Mess

I take a deep breath. I brace and caution and calm myself, something will be different when I return through this door later on. Good or bad, I wish I knew. I wish there was a way for me to decide my own fate but it’s in the hands of the Universe, which I have trusted so wholeheartedly, so profoundly that it will array the threatening turbatio, in order for me to enjoy my life. Stress is the absolute epitome of my life, an everlasting bane and I’m just waiting for it to go.

I walk slowly, counting my light steps and shallow breaths. The words I want to say to Scott are embedded in my mind, taunting and abusing me, daring to fasten the pace of my frail heart.

Seventeen minutes later I’m facing the white and red, consistently vivid school. The one I will belong to for two agonising years more. I now decide to switch my phone on—it’s been off since after my talk with Evie on Saturday night. I was thinking, it wouldn’t be so bad to avoid him until Monday, right?

Oh well, any decisions I’ve made up until now are insignificant. What really matters, is how today goes. I trace a crucifix over my forehead, shoulders and chest before speeding up through the entrance.

The obnoxious screams from superficial beauty-queens surrounding me, happy that they’re reuniting with their friends after two days, cause me to scowl. I exhale as I try to decide where to go. Should I head straight to homeroom? Should I wait outside? Should I look for him myself? I don’t even know if he’d be at school already. Maybe I should text him. Ugh, I think before turning around to head to the parking lot instead, Evie will be here in a few minutes.

Suddenly I stop dead in my tracks, frozen by the sight of my current boyfriend. Who looks absolutely livid. His eyes burn into mine as he clenches his jaw and walks over to me. I continue to stand in my helpless position, lips parted and eyes dilated.

“Skyla, what the fuck? Why haven’t you been answering my calls?” I flinch at the sound of my full name coming off his lips with friction. I don’t look at him.

“Scott, I…” I try to form a coherent, sensical sentence but I feel so frantic. There are too many distractions, people glancing at us from the corner of their eyes, mindless conversations buzzing in my ears, I can’t handle it all at the same time. I decide to look up into his dark indigo eyes before asking, “Can we go somewhere quieter?” And he nods and moves to hold my hand but I immediately move away to rake my fingers through my hair. I feel so merciless for that but I don’t want to act like everything’s normal, okay when it’s not. He runs his hand through the roots of his hair in frustration before briskly walking ahead of me towards the bleachers. I know we’ll both be late for class but this important and needs to be done, I’ve procrastinated enough.

 

I sit on the gritty ground before crossing my legs and arms and resting my elbows on my inner thighs. Scott sits on one of the metal bars on the other side of the open area, avoiding my gaze. I take this as a hint to speak first.

“I’m not good for you, Scott.” I say, my voice sounding louder than it did in my head. Scott rubs his face in exasperation and groans before turning to face me.

“Sky, you are. You are and that’s why I’m in love with you, because you’re good and I hate it because I’m constantly afraid that you’ll push me away like you did before, but I love it at the same time because you make me want to be good too, to give a shit about things. Christ, I quit smoking for you and it’s been hard but I want to make you happy. Because you are good, and I know because you’ve been through so much crap and you are still so fucking beautiful, inside and out. If you leave me now I won’t be able to cope, please. Please, Sky.” At this point his hands are covering mine, kissing them with endless pleads and his eyes are glazed over and impassioned, burning with the fire of a thousand suns, boring into mine as he gives himself to me and I’m utterly overthrown.