Hamilton characters x reader

now before you all yell at me "THIS ISN'T THE HEATHERS FIC" I know. I still haven't finished it. life keeps getting in the way. and I know I keep making excuses but past trauma has been coming up more frequently and so I can't finish a certain part of the story. as much as I'd like to think I am okay. my mind is a very messed up place. but I promised something and it will be up eventually. this is something I wrote a while ago, but felt as though it wasn't good enough to be published. so here it is. it's really sad. i'm sorry.
~~~~~
Lafayette x reader

warnings: mentions of death, mentions of suicide, cursing, bad writing.

requests: none

prompts: none

i'm sorry
~~~~~

   for such a small town with a ton of people you would think you could move on from something like this. being surrounded be people who love you, and yet you push every single one away. it is hard. but I have some news for you, it gets harder.

   "y/n sweetie did you hear me?" one of my friends said. I couldn't tell which because I was just standing in front of a door. looking at something so simple yet so triggering. I turned to look at the person behind me to see how lovingly they look. boy do I miss him.

   "sorry what?" I said trying not to let the shakiness take over my voice. it was herc. he looked a little worried. but not enough to ask what's going on. he took my hand and squeezed it. he then led me to the kitchen table.

   his spot is empty. cold. dusty. my therapist told me to imagine him there. imagine him here with me. but she was wrong. she said it would help. it hurts to think of him. she discharged me three months ago and my mind can't erase him. she called me 'too damaged to work with'.

   I sat down and made sure to try and notify everyone I was okay by striking up conversation.

   "what's for dinner?" I asked. simple question, with a multitude of possible answers. but the answer was always the same.

   "food" Alex said setting the table. I smiled at the simple remark I knew so well. then I asked further testing him.

   "what kind of food?" I pushed mocking his snarky attitude. he laughed and sent a smirk my way.

   "food you eat." he said through a light-hearted chuckle. he then set a plate of food infront of me. I felt at home. it almost felt as though he was there. laughing at the stupid chain of jokes Alex and I always made. I looked over to his place mat again and for once it was set.

   "u-um is a guest coming for d-dinner?" I asked starring at the place. the boys have gotten out of the habit of putting stuff at his place. John walked into the room and looked at me with soft eyes.

   "um Jefferson is coming over tonight. him and Alex have some business to discuss with the new legal papers." herc said putting his hand on my shoulder. I smiled up at him to tell him it's okay. but I was shaking inside. I was screaming.
"that's laf's place fuck off" I wanted to walk out of the room and cry. but I didn't. I sat there. just looking at the place mat till the doorbell rang.

   "I'll get it." I said getting up from my chair and over to the door. as I was opening the door to greet the new person a familiar smell came to mind. cinnamon and vanilla. I opened the door to see a man with untamed hair and a velvet jacket.  standing tall and sassily. with a cocky demeanor.

   "hello Mr. Jefferson. come in. I hear you're here for Alexander, he's in the kitchen. let me take your coat and make yourself comfortable." I said with a fake smile stepping to the side so he could come in. I kept telling myself the way he smelled was where the similarities ended but something about him reminds me so much of Lafayette.

   "why thank you miss. oh and do please call me Thomas, what shall I call you~" he said the last part in a humming tone. I took his coat and walked to the closet saying my name.

   "y/n" I said closing the closet after hanging up his coat. he was wearing a black button up and a velvet tie. he looked all fancy and here I was in simple black leggings and a f/c top.

   "well miss y/n it is very nice to meet you." he said as I escorted him to the dining area. Alex gave a scowling look as he saw me bring in Thomas.

   "you all don't kill each other i'm going to the bathroom." I said making my way to the hallway that leads to the master bathroom. once I got inside I decided I could finally let my feelings overwhelm my senses and take control. I climbed out the large window and landed in front of the house. it being a ground floor bathroom only gave me a scratch on my leg from a rose bush.

   I let my body direct me to the nearest spot where I could just cry. I ended up walking to a stream a long ways away from home. I took my shoes off, dipped my feet in the water and cried. I cried and screamed and just let myself go. I could hear myself tearing to shreds. my heart broken. I could feel him there. next to me. I could hear his French whispers in the swaying trees. the exact smell of cinnamon and vanilla in the cool spring breeze.

   by the time I got enough energy to pick myself up and start to walk somewhere else it started to rain. plus it was already getting dark. the far away city sounds became more loud. and I became more quiet. but on my walk home I couldn't help but talk to him. as if he were the one helping me home.

   "why. why did you do it? you were happy on the outside. or was that a lie too. you told me to do the exact opposite of what you did. you killed yourself. and are you happy? I LOVED YOU FOR GODS SAKE." I said. I kinda screamed the last part but it had to be said. it was true. every bit of it. the nights he told my not to do the
unthinkable. and how he became a hypocrite. I do love him. that's something that will never change. but what I don't understand is why I love him.