Letters to an Optimist

She felt hollow.  

Cold and hollowed out inside, as if something inside of her was taken out forcefully, and replaced by a void of nothingness, a void that was full of weariness, and worry, the void ate her up. Her heart ached, even more so than normal, but not to the extent of excruciating pain.  

But even the pain wasn't as horrid as this, this... feeling of emptiness, of nothing, of having nothing with you, no hope. No love. No life. Only grief, sadness... death.  

She heard things, only hearing never properly viewing what was happening. She remembered hearing someone's voice, she'd never heard the voice, but it was deep, gentle, full of honesty, grief, it felt as if the person's life was on the line, and he just poured out his story towards her unconscious, coma induced mind.  

The voice echoed in her mind, but she already knew who it was the second she felt a pair of lips touch her own. She wanted to kiss him back, to move her arms so they were around his neck rather than lying limply by her sides. She hated it, she hated not being able to help someone in any way possible.  

She could've tried harder, she could've just fought the cancer, or let the police pay her to pay for a new pair of lungs and a heart. A heart not full of idiocy and selfishness, she wanted to have a heart like her mother, a heart as bright as gold, a Golden Heart. Her coal heart welled up inside of her and she felt the backs of her eyes burn with tears, warm, fat salty tears that wanted to shed, to show the world her sadness.  

She couldn't, she wouldn't cry. It'll only show everyone that the world has broken down the person she's tried to hard to maintain since her siblings unkind deaths. She didn't want the world to see the broken girl inside, the girl whom lost her entire family but one, only Edison was left. The last out of her family, the broken family from France.  

She always missed France, always had dreams or imagery running through her mind of what could have happened if her parents hadn't died, if her siblings haven't died. If no-one died, a world of immortals. The thought of immortality scared her, it scared her as much as the though of death did. Death, an adventure, in which no man, woman or child will ever be able to return to.  

It will be her adventure soon, her crossing, her fear blooming into paranoia, Eddie once told her that she was just paranoid because she had a traumatic childhood experience. No, Blanca knew more than that. She didn't want to be hooked up to instrument to keep her alive, she wanted to be a human being, not a human robot. Attached to metal to keep her alive, metal, as cold and powerful as it is. It was her life force. For years she thought that, until she stumbled across that one letter about a boy with a supposed 'fucked up life.'  

She changed since she met Logan.  She understood the meaning of life in a way she never would have thought was possible. Logan--she figured out from the letters he'd sent her-- lives a life of adventure, of danger, and no regrets. He didn't seem to regret his actions, only question what would have been better, that isn't regret. That's a human mind thinking of possibilities.   

 What was the possibility of her surviving? She'd heard deep voices once saying that its next to impossible, very slim chance that she might live on. She remembered feeling Eddie's hand search for hers, and squeezed her hand. She wanted him next to her again, she felt frozen, scared and confused.   

Blanca hated that, more than anything else in the world, she disliked confusion, along with fear. Confused by the fact of how she ended up here, scared that she might never see light, or colour again. It was like everything was washed out, everything was bland, was dark, was nothing. Everything was nothing. Nothing was everything, but if that was true then Blanca had nothing.   Blanca had nothing, she needed nothing more, because she had everything she needed. She has a brother, a family member, someone with the same blood running through their veins as her. She had an education, she graduated high school, and is yet to go to college, but that might never happen. It might never happen because she might never wake up, stuck in an endless slumber full of dread and fear.