Gangleader's Lost

WE RUN AWAY from our feelings so we won't be captured by love. We're all so scared of what love could do to us. How it might end up changing us. Most of us end up asking their self is it worth the risk, of total destruction. Ace. Chase. Fletcher. There all names, with different meaning when applied to their owner. Love: a term used to express strong emotion to one whom they care deeply about? Yes, I am asking is that what it means? I mean sure, I could look it up and get the emotionless theoretical meaning but it only makes me think, who wrote this? Who gets to say what love means? To tell you the truth I don't think love is a meaning. I don't think it's those cheesy movies, or books we've all read with this female character with no backbone falls in love with this to God and back devilishly handsome stranger or a childhood lover, so is giving up everything you ever had to make someone else happy?
No, that's sacrifice, I tell myself. I sacrificed my happiness for him. For Ace. Then there was Chase. If I can ever say that there was a him, seeing as how there wasn't a US.

Chase was sane, in a overly cocky kind of way. He was flawed but no where near as much as we all were. And not even he could save us all from falling . And maybe Ace and I didn't exactly fall in love, maybe we fell into chaos. And there's nothing beautiful are great about chaos, though that doesn't stop most from saying it is. Chase was good, pure. I could have been pure to. But instead I'm chaos.
Now it's Fletcher.
He's egotistical. Corky. Romantic, and needy, all in that order. We could be great; me and fletcher. We could be the closest I'll ever get to perfect, but only in exchange, if I gave him my everything. And If I give him my everything I'll have nothing. And whats life with nothing, you may ask? Fletcher is.

I'll lose my father, which is already happening but I think it's more in depth when it happens all at once. So as selfish as it is I'll rather my father die slow, because I'm afraid that if I blink he'll be gone. I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and be fatherless.
I'm afraid that I fall for Ace. Either in love or in chaos.
//

My head hurts. I should be used to this feeling by now, seeing as how as soon as I got in college in went to frat parties, I mostly drunk my problems away, before I met Fletcher, before my dad got sick, drinking became a part of my life.

Ace has my head in his lap and his eyes are towering my own and I am consumed of his worry. His eyes, are clear and deep and a breathe slips from my lip at how intimate the connection is, are use to be.

I don't speak, and not because I don't want to but because I find myself stuck, and not knowing how to.

"You changed.."
I'm cut off guard when Ace opens his mouth and indifference is filled in every part of my body as I pull away from him, mortified with uprising embarrassment as I finally process the fact I fainted at first glance of him.

I stand up and he joined me but his hand still rest around my wrist. Ace. Ace. Ace. He's here. The face that I cried over, the voice I longed to hear, the eyes I imagined staring in. He's here, and I hate him for it.
"Fuck you," the words flew effortlessly off my tongue so casually like I asked him how he's been. Ace sucks in a breathe like I socked him in the stomach. He's eyes drop from mine, to the ground, and his grip on my wrist loosens.

"Look Jinx, we need to talk, " Ace says when his eyes return to mine, and he looks just as stone cold as the first day I meet him. No correction, we never met, we just saw and knew of each other. We were just strangers with names.

We still are.
I don't even bother to amuse him like I would have all those years ago. I feel so empty. Like half of a shell, I'm a ghost of the girl I used to be and all because of Ace. I'm staring at my destructor, and he's staring back at me;practically pleading with his eyes masking his empty facade.

"There's nothing to talk about, I'm not here for you, " I inform him. He nods solidly, and his Adams Apple bobs, and I can feel him holding something back. Goosebumps creep up on my arm and a sudden blanket of worry surrounds me.

"I know, your here for Ethan. I just thought you should know that, the day I left you was the third most worst day of my life,coming after my sister's death and me being born of course. After Amelia died I told myself I would never allow myself to care for anyone again. But then you came out of no where like rain in a deserted desert, and it had been so long since I felt anything cause I was living in the dark. Jinx, I know you think I'm shit, and I agree but you showed me the light, and when you did that you ended up taking my place in the dark. And I left you there. And I hate myself for it. I don't deserve your petty I just thought you should know why I left that day. Ethan was the guy that took Amelia out all those years ago, drunk off his ass and left her for dead when they got in a car crash, while taking the locket that belonged to her at the time. Now its yours. Chase tried to kill him-"
My mouth drops open in horror and my stomach turns in fear and disgust at what he might be saying.

Ace looks at me with worry before continuing. "No. He didn't kill him Jinx. We thought he was at first. We were going to get him help as much as it sickened me. We took him to the park and placed him on a bench hidden by a few bushes. He had a steady pulse, he could have made it. But when I came back from having the talk with you, he was gone. I don't know how he end up in that pool but it wasn't because of us. But now Chase pleaded guilty in the murder/suicide of Ethanol. That why I'm here. For Chase. And because we're all so fucking tired of running. "

\\
A/N
Unedited

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Happy late Father's day