This Life ? (J.C)

[-25-]

"I could've been there... could've helped pay for it, I don't know. I could've done something."

"You had a girlfriend. It would've complicated things."

Julian shook his head, letting it fall back against the wall. His heavy lids struggled to stay open as he stared at the ceiling across the way as if lost in thought.

Finally, he spoke. "It wouldn't have mattered, she left me anyway. Maybe if you would've told me, she would've left me sooner, instead of wasting more of my time." Julian shrugged, pushing himself off the wall.

He was talking too much—saying the first thing that came to mind without so much as a second thought. Joy had always had the power to do that to him—to make him talk about things he typically wouldn't. He spoke with no filter half the time around Joy, which wasn't like Julian. He was always very cautious of everything he said—over analyzing his every word to the point of sounding a bit... well, stupid. It didn't help that he was almost always inebriated.

"You sound like a scorned lover." Joy smirked, trying her damnedest to distract him. She didn't want to talk about it—it happened two years ago—what happened, happened; there was no turning back now.

A smile tugged at the corner of Julian's mouth, "After eight years... she left me while recording the album. It was hard. But it's good, the way it is, it's good."

Joy's brows meshed, studying Julian's face. It seemed as though he was trying to convince himself of that. "How is that good?"

"Because I wouldn't be here... with you, right now." He sighed, rubbing his brows in drunken frustration. "I just wish you would've told me. You know, and if you wanted to keep it... I mean, maybe we could've talked about it, I don't know." He removed his hand from his face, looking uncomfortable. "Did... did you want it? Or was that why you didn't tell me, you were afraid I'd want you to keep it?"

She swallowed hard, folding her arms over her chest. Joy felt exposed—as if she were standing naked in front of a crowd. "I wasn't ready- you weren't ready. Fuck, we're still not ready; if it were to happen again-"

The sound of Julian's laughs interrupted Joy's sentence. "It will never happen again. Ever. I was... I was fucked up. I always use protection- I always wear condoms. I don't know what the fuck happened."

"I'm just saying... I wasn't ready then and I'm not ready now. You aren't either, so even entertaining the thought of keeping it is, just... mad! It's fucking insane." Joy forced a laugh, trying to maintain the façade—she'd never admit that sometimes, she regretted it. She assumed it was only natural.

"My dad... he, uh... he didn't have much to do with me. I mean, it's gotten better over the years, I guess. But... I'm not my dad, alright? I would've raised him, or her, I wouldn't have walked out or... what the fuck am I trying to say..." Julian sighed, the corner of his lips twisting into a snarl, clearly frustrated with himself. The truth was, he had begun to tell Joy everything—things she probably didn't want to hear—he stopped midway through once realizing what words were coming out of his own mouth.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you-"

"You have nothing to be sorry about. I'm sorry you felt you couldn't talk to me, that you couldn't tell me about it. I mean... shit, you must think I'm some kind of prick if you thought-"

Joy's lips muffled his train of thought—kissing away the next words that were about to come tumbling out of his mouth. She knew the moment her lips touched his that she had made a mistake. But for some reason, it was instinctual to do so—it simply felt right.