Dysphoria [Janet & Toni]

Toni

September 10th

I sat in the studio with Kenneth Edmonds, my close friend and brother, sitting next to me.

We were listening to a beat as it played in the background. We had come up with a chorus a while back and simply titled it 'Hurt You.'

"What's been up with you and B?" He asked me out of nowhere.

"I don't know. What's been going on between you and Nic?" I asked sarcastically.

Kenny knew how much I hated talking personal with him, but I'd never just been that rude. It was because this whole situation with Janet was wearing me out. She had really been ignoring me. Like phone calls, texts and everything.

"Don't do that Tone." He told me as he frowned. "But we're good, since you asked."

"Bryan and I are—." I stopped trying to find a word that would truly describe us. "Dead. Done. There's no love Ken. What I thought was there, just ain't."

My brother looked at me and sighed. "How are you dealing with that?"

"He's been cheating. Why can't I?"

"Cause you're a woman."

"Sexism is real!" I exclaimed as I pushed his shoulder.

"Well, here we go." Kenny spoke.

My eyebrows furrowed. "Here we go?"

Kenny began singing.

"Here we go. Damn, here we go again." He stopped singing. "That's where I get stuck. Should I say, something about a rain? Like, since you've been gone, all I see is rain."

I shook my head. "Uh no. Play it back." Kenny played the song back and I sung his part. "Here we go. Damn, here we go again. Loving you has caused me so much pain."

"Yes!" He jumped up smiling. "I like that. I feel that."

Chuckling at him, I smiled back. "Boy sit down, this is just the beginning of the song."

"Well, you already have yours written, and I wrote mines, I just didn't like that part, so I'll change it later. My part will feed into the song first, just do yours. Might as well start, so let's record."

"Today?!" I asked in excitement. "We weren't supposed to record today."

"Come on, hop in there." Kenny pointed to the room and I nodded.

I got up and walked in as I sat on the stool. The headphones sat on top of the microphone and I grabbed them and put them on top of my head.

Kenny's corny self sent me a thumbs up as the music began feeding into my ears.

This song spoke to me for some reason. Maybe because it described Bryan and I right now.

"So why apologize. I was just doing what I had to do baby. An eye for an eye. God knows I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to break your heart, your heart babe. God knows I never meant to turn you out, turn you out. Never meant to take it that far, that far babe. God knows I never meant to hurt you, hurt you, hurt you, hurt you, hurt you."

The music continued but I stopped.

Kenny mic'ed in. "You good?"

"Yeah, that's just all I got for my part. Play it back for me please." He nodded and the music went back and I listened to it. As I was, Ella walked in looking nervous. "Pause it Ken."

He paused it as I exited the recording booth and went into the studio.

"Hi, Mrs.Bra— Toni." Ella corrected herself.

"Hey Ella. Glad to see that you could make it. Hey Ken, this is Ella. She can really sing, like all jokes aside. Ella, this is Kenneth Edmonds also known as—."

"Babyface!" She shouted as she squealed. "I'm a huge fan. Never Keeping Secrets was and is my personal favorite."

Kenny looked at me. "See Toni, she got a good ear! Toni's favorite Babyface song isn't Never Keeping Secrets."

"Whip Appeal was just amazing! You can't sleep on your own song Ken." I told him.

Ella chuckled at us and Ken responded to me. "Well, my favorite Toni song is UnBreak My Heart."

"You uncultured swine." I shot out. "I have produced more than that one hit. That was just my most popular hit."

"I liked He Wasn't Man Enough." Ella entered the conversation and I pointed at her.

"See! She sees it." I told Kenneth as my phone rang.

I looked down and saw that Bryan had texted me.

Bryan
Where u at

Rolling my eyes, I responded.

To: Bryan
Studio 60 with Ken. You?

Bryan
Pulling up, we need to talk.

To: Bryan
About?

Bryan
Please Toni, just come outside.

I looked up at Ella and Kenny. "Bryan's outside. I'll be back. Kenny, play a beat for Ella. You seriously have to hear her sing."

Leaving out the studio, I went outside and found Bryan leaning against his Ferrari.

He looked up slowly when he saw me and I saw he had tears in his eyes. "Toni."

"Bryan, what's wrong?" Even though I didn't love this man like I used to, seeing him cry still broke me.

"I'm fucked up." He mumbled as he handed me some papers. "I just came from the place man."

My eyes trailed the words on the paper and they widened when I realized that the papers told me in bold that Bryan had Bipolar Disorder.

"B—."

Before I could finish he cut me off. "Baby, I been thinking I'm going crazy and shit. Been hurting you and hitting you and then waking up calm. I thought— mane I don't know what the fuck I thought. This doctor said this shit may last for years. Toni, I can't do this shit for years. I'm a rapper, this don't work out."

For a while, I hadn't seen my husband get this emotional in front of me. He was always closed off and in his own world.

"Hey." My hands cupped his face. "You're going to get through this. Like you always say, it's just a minor set back for a major come back. Don't let this phase you like this B."

When he grabbed my hand, on instinct I winced and he noticed. "You're fucking terrified of me shawty. I can't come back from this, this shit ain't no phase man."

"Bryan, with no medicine you're just a totally different person."

"I'm sorry baby." Bryan broke down in tears as he fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Baby you gotta believe me. You got to. Baby, I love you."

I needed to respond to him, but I didn't know how to respond to the man.

He couldn't control his actions.

Right?

Tears fell from my eyes as three words left my lips. "I love you too."