Detecting Falsehood

(K)18(M)7(A)224(A)    

One day I will have to move on, like everyone else. I don't want to.

Message not received. Please try again later.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Taehyung, where the fuck are you? What's going on? Are you even alive?"

"Taewa, what are you-"
"You can hear me? Great, now tell me where you are. You've been missing for months, and I'm still trying to find your body. Where is it?"
"But noona, I'm still-"

"Ghosts always talk like that. They always think they're alive. In reality, they're already dead. I can't protect you anymore, little brother. You're gone. Give us closure. Help us live again after you left us. The whole family is shattered. We can't fix ourselves until we know you've been buried properly."

My eyes widen as her words sink in. They've given up. I don't exist in their minds anymore, not even as someone who could possibly be alive. All they want is to move on, but I don't want them to give up on me. I'm still here. Still breathing, heart still beating, somehow. I still wonder how it manages to do that when there's nothing there to beat for.

They just want a funeral so that I can disappear into the ether. It's kind of selfish, but I understand it. I have always understood them, better than they realise. I know what they lie to themselves about. I know what they're willing to admit. I know what genuinely makes them happy. And I know what breaks them.

This is one of those things.

"I don't know where I am, noona, I'm sorry. I have no idea where I am. Trapped somewhere."

Trapped, just as 21 always says. She's not lying when she says that. She's almost never lying. It's refreshing. It's something that's rare. Something I never saw before her, even in my own family.

And yet I trust Jungkook more than I trust her. How does that even work? Where is the common sense in that? There is none. None at all.

"Well that's fucking helpful isn't it, you stupid little brother?" she returns sarcastically, her voice suddenly cruel, and my heart drops.
"Noona-"
"If you can't help your own sister, then you have no sister."
"But what about Taeyeon-"

"She's not ours, Tae, she'll never even know that she has a real family that exists beyond everything else. She belongs to someone else now. Get real. You're never going to have another family like us. And I cast you out."

My heart drops, a physical movement that I can somehow feel, and everything begins to break apart. My body is shaking, trembling like a leaf caught in a tornado, and there's nothing I can do to escape from it. "Noona, please-"

"I am not your noona. I am just another person you know. I have given up on you, Taehyung. I need to carry on living, so stop being so selfish."

i bite my lip, unsure of how to react, how to feel, how to do anything anymore. my understanding of her has completely changed. the patient, loving sister who gave me advice and held my hand on the first day of school is gone, replaced by a cold shell of someone who's waited far too long for her little brother to come home.

if she's lost hope, i don't know whether i will be able to believe in myself either. her attitude towards me has always been positive, and now that it's changed i have no idea what to do. i'm trapped within my own confusion, words tumbling in my mind like moths circling around a light.