I'm Sorry (Watty Nominated 2019)

Dear Reaper,

I think i made my first friend today.

But i also think that i might've made a complete fool out of myself before doing so.

I had another panic attack.

It wasn't even a big deal but before i knew it, i couldn't breathe and i was running out of class like my life depended on it.

I knew they were laughing at me again, Reaper. They were laughing and silently judging me. I don't understand, Reaper. What is so wrong with me that people avoid me like I'm a plague?

Anyways, his name is a Nikolai.

Yes, HIS name.

I never expected my first friend to be a guy but then again, you never expected i would put flowers on your cover, Reaper. Anyways, he is really handsome. His hair is dark and a bit curly and he has these nice brown eyes. They aren't boring, but they aren't anything special. He has a really beautiful smile too, Reaper.

Although at first glance, i thought he was a bit impish looking, after spending a bit more time with him (if you could call 5 minutes more time), i started to see how attractive he actually was.

He told me his cousin was like me.

Happy on the outside.

Broken on the inside.

With a nice side serving of panic attacks.

She killed herself.

He thought i was thinking about killing myself too, Reaper. How ridiculous is that? Me?

Killing myself? Pffft...

I'd be dead.

Gone.

No more panic attacks.

No more loneliness.

No more..pain...

Pfft! No...no ways, Reaper. I'd never do something like that. I love Mom and Dad too much.

Plus i made a new friend today; so that's a good sign, yes?

I have no reason to do something so reckless, and stupid! I think I'm stronger than that, Reaper, aren't i?

I survive the bullying.

I survive the taunting, the mocking.

I survive the rumours, the confrontations, the hitting, the beatings.

I survive the laughter, the whispers.

I survived what HE did to me all those years ago.

I survived it all.

I'm still here and even though I'm a mess, I'm not going to do it, i am not going to kill myself. Things will get better.

It WILL get better.

Reaper, i wish you could respond. It's like I'm writing to a real person who can see and hear me, but i cannot see or hear them. It's horrible. I wish we could talk, Reaper.

I know it's weird that I'm telling this to you and yes, i realise that you are a notebook, that i named after the Grim Reaper...but that's not the point. You're like my best..and ONLY friend.

But anyways, enough of my rambling, Mother just called me. I'll be sure to keep you updated if anything happens in the time it takes me to help her with dinner.

Goodnight, Reaper.