i'm sorry | ethan dolan

chapter fifty three
——ethan's pov
march 8th, 2020

i could hear voices inside kylie's hospital room. the door was cracked, but i couldn't see who was in there. was i supposed to knock? walk in? wait for whoever it was to leave? a nurse walked by me and shot me a sort of disturbed look, like maybe i was there to steal a baby or something. i flashed my visitor's pass at her and knocked on the door.

god, please don't let it be her dad in there.
or tyler.
"come in!"

kylie and mackenzie both looked up. i froze and almost dropped the vase full of lilies. mackenzie was here. oh, shit. mackenzie was here. why hadn't i considered that possibility?

"hi," kylie said.
mackenzie didn't say anything.
i looked over my shoulder.
"um, i can come back."
they exchanged one of those looks. those looks between girls where it's like they have an entire conversation without saying anything.
"it's okay," kylie said eventually. "come on in."

i approached the corner of her bed awkwardly. she looked pretty good, but tired. almost, like, droopy. her hair was back and she had no makeup on and there were dark circles under her eyes. it seemed like forever that i just stood there with no clue what to say. there was only one chair in the room and mackenzie was in it.

"here. put those on the windowsill," mackenzie said finally, standing up so i could slide by. my arm brushed hers and i felt like i was having a heart attack.

i put the flowers down next to the other ones, there were a lot. mackenzie sat down again.
if i wanted to get out of the two foot space between me and kylie's bed, i would have to step over her knees. i cleared my throat and leaned my butt back against the windowsill. I hadn't been this close to mackenzie ryan in ages. it was torture. all i wanted right now was to touch her. my body started to shake and my breathing was unsteady.
they both stared at me.

"s-so," i said finally. "um, how was it?"
kylie scoffed and looked past me out the window. "it sucked."

i nodded. my collar prickled. my palms were slick. mackenzie was looking at me like she'd never seen a guy before. was she surprised i was here, or did she think that i shouldn't be? all i wanted to do was talk to her, why did it have to be so fucking hard?

"did you...i mean, did you get to see the baby?"
kylie shook her head and a tear slipped down her face. shit.
"she doesn't even know what she had," mackenzie told me quietly. "boy or girl. she told them she didn't want to know."

i nodded again. my heart felt four times as heavy as usual. what was i doing here? what was i supposed to say? i looked at mackenzie. i just wanted to grab her and pull her out of here and go do something normal with her. like get a burger or go for a walk or see a movie. but i couldn't do that. because we weren't together. because she hated me. because there were huger things going on right now.

"is there anything i can do?" i asked.
"you've done enough," kylie said.
my insides dropped. was she seriously mad at me? again?

"i'm sorry. that didn't come out the way i meant it," kylie said. she wiped her eyes with both hands and grabbed a tissue from a cart next to her bed. "you guys, thank you so much for last night. for getting tyler here. i mean it. i'm sorry i'm such a mess." she blew her nose noisily and the tears came faster. i clenched my hands. i'd seriously never been more uncomfortable in my life.

"it's okay. you don't have to apologize." mackenzie got up and went over to kylie's bed, sitting down right next to her. she put her arm around her, and kylie leaned into her, crying. i couldn't help but peek at her stomach, her shirt had gone up a little and it was kinda driving me crazy. mackenzie stared at me. i turned up my palms like 'what should i do?'

she kind of jerked her head toward the door.
i really didn't think it was possible to feel any worse, but that did it. that killed me. i stood up straight and wiped my palms on my jeans.

"um...kylie, i'm just gonna go," i said quietly. "but if you need anything—"

she nodded, sobbing, and pressed her eyes closed. on my way to the door, i shot one look over my shoulder at mackenzie, hoping for something, i don't know what, but she wasn't looking at me. she had pulled her knees up onto the bed and turned toward kylie completely. it was like i was already gone.

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teaser: mackenzie realizes something

hi this chapter completely broke my heart
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i love you all <33
[862 words]
-m
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