A Barrier Meant To Be Broken

What Lies Beneath Part II

This is a continuation of Author's Note: What Lies Beneath Part I. You may read this part first if you like. This is part of my project that I had to turn in for 'Understanding The Self'. I turned this in November 2018 and I felt that I should share the content with you all since it fit the theme of how I've gone through many life changes.

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"You cannot truly run away from yourself, no matter how hard you try." –DJ

As I inferred earlier, me and My Foundation did not stay together. However, My Foundation did set a standard. My first relationship lasted two years because we understood the concept of communication, trust, and honesty. However, the fact was, I was twelve when we got into the relationship and she was thirteen. When we parted ways officially I was fourteen and she was fifteen. At that age, and even today, there is no certainty for tomorrow. At that that time, I was livening in the moment but we were at the stage where we were asking each other now what? And it triggered a fear in me, because I didn't know. But neither did she.

After my aunt died I learned to love someone else. I learned to love My Foundation. But then, she was gone. Due to my lack of experience in the word and my fear. She was always a phone call away, but she made sure that she didn't physically appear in my life. She became toxic to me, and I became toxic to her.

In 2010, we broke up officially and she had transferred schools. I had a chance to transfer with her but when I showed up to school to see my friends I realized that, she wasn't everything to me. My friends made me happy which eased my mind. That meant, I could live without her. Or at least, I could try.

Grade nine was my first year without My Foundation and my best friend at the time introduced me to a writing website. A lot of what I had written was lost somewhere in the depths of my room or in a journal in a stack, somewhere in a somewhat organized pile. I gave the website a chance but I was still fourteen. The internet was a scary place and even though I had a Myspace like all the cool kids did at the time, I still didn't want my information out where people could find me. So, I came up with a pen name and a male persona.

Danieljames Domar was the original name that I had chosen. Now, I use Danieljames Joaquin Domar due to my father's displeasure in the backstory that I was unaware of. When I was born, I had my umbilical cord wrapped around my leg and because of that, the doctors thought I was a boy. My name was going to be Daniel James or Joaquin or—whatever my parents would have agreed on at the time. But. My dad not like the 'James' portion of my name because 'James' was my mother's 'ex'.

My father said, "She had a choice between him and me. And luckily, she chose me." He then went on about how he wanted to call me Joaquin because he wanted his son's name to be 'The King'. So, after learning the truth I added Joaquin to my pen name. Domar doesn't have any special meanings except that I typed in 'Domar' and it didn't show up as a last name, so I used it.

The Promise

I told my friends that they should sign my senior ring to remind me that I made an impact in their life. That I shouldn't self-harm because they believe in me so I should believe in me. I lost faith in myself and gave into self-harm. Today, I am glad to say that though I am only close to three names on that ring. Today, I haven't self-harmed for many years and hopefully I never will again.

Living For Myself

Living for myself was something I came to realize at a young age. If I said that I lived without the help of others I would be lying and I believe that honesty is the best policy. These two pages are proof that even though I live for myself I cannot live by myself.

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This next portion deals with a lot of pictures. I want to make sure that I post the poems that I've written in my project, there are two. The titles are ones that I recognize but I'm not fully sure if they are actually posted or not. There are two books that could contain such content so I don't have to look very far.

The two poems are in this poetry book. They are called "Broken As A Reminder" and "A Broken Family". I'd like to clear up that I don't feel bitter towards my family. I feel neutral and I don't feel close. If I'm close to anyone it's my sisters and my brother in law. It was my eldest sister and brother in law who raised me. It was my middle sister who accepted me despite the distance. At first it was odd but she is very intelligent and creative. I wish I had more time with her but the fact is that we're very different people and we live very different lives. That doesn't change how much I care about her.

My parents lacked in a lot of things but I know that they didn't sacrifice their time with me because they hated me. They did it because they were trying to survive. It took my parents longer to recover from my Aunt's death. I understand my parents now. However, that make me any closer to them. I do my best to spend time with them but the truth is that I don't think I could ever feel as close to them as I do to my siblings or to my friends.