When You Realize You've Become 'That Mom'...and What Comes Next

The time had arrived. It wasn't like it had been before but I was still afraid. Tami and Charlie were there and so was Chris. We were all piled into the delivery room.

I was having back labor and the contractions sent sharp pain into my spine. 

"The pain is in my back!" I cried. Sweat pouring down my face. I was exhausted.

"You are having back labor, let's change your position," Tami said as she stroked my back. 

I shifted as she had instructed but with each one, the pain in my back had become unbearable. I was failing again. 

"I can't do this!" I was sobbing now. The tears streamed down my face and burned my eyes. 

I could see Charlie standing there unsure of himself and Chris was holding my hand. I wanted to be stronger for him but I was so weak. All I could muster was a small smile. 

"Are you hurting mommy?" he asked me. 

"It hurts a bit my prince but I will be OK,"

"You promise?"

Could I tell him I promise when I wasn't sure? What if I didn't make it this time? He would hate me for breaking my promise to him. 

"I can promise that I will do my best," I lowered my gaze.

Charlie picked him up and held him in an embrace. "Your mom is going to do the best that she can. We have doctors here to take care of her and of baby Christina. We are going to get through this together, alright little man?"

Chris nodded his head and smiled. 

Tami and I both smiled as well and another contraction shot through my back. "It feels like my back is being torn in two," I gasped.

"I think it might be time for an epidural," Tami said softly as she ran her fingers through my hair.

"But the last time..."

"I know, but this time I will be here and make sure that you are OK. There is no reason for you to suffer like this and you need your strength. You know I prefer to go natural but back labor is different and with your previous experience I want you to be as strong as possible. You are going to try to push her out and you need your strength for that." her words and her fingers soothed me and I nodded in agreement.

"So, we are moving onto Plan B," I said softly.

"We are moving onto Plan B," she confirmed.

With that, she went and told the doctor to medicate me and they did. This time my blood pressure didn't plummet. This time, it seemed like everything would be alright. The pain started to fade. Not completely, but it was enough for me to regain some strength. It had been over 20 hours.

Several more hours passed and I was fully dilated. It was time to push. 

"You can do this," Tami said.

"I believe in you, babe," Charlie whispered as he laid a kiss on my forehead.

"I love you, mommy," Chris said still in his father's arms.

"Thank you, I love you too," 

"Are you ready?" the doctor asked while positioned between my legs. 

"Yes," 

"Push," 

I pushed and pushed, and it was working. We were doing it. I was delivering her the normal way. I was delivering her the way a real woman is supposed to deliver a baby. 

"Stop pushing," the doctor called out harshly.

"What?" I asked stunned.

"Nurse, call the OR. We are going to need to perform an emergency C-section,"

"What's happening, doctor?" Tami asked immediately.

He used some technical jargon at first which I didn't understand but then he looked at me and said, "the baby pooped inside the sack and she is drowning in it. We need to get her out now or she won't survive. I'm sorry but pushing her out is no longer an option. I've scheduled the room. We are going to save your baby,"

My world came crashing down around me. I must be being punished for being mean, for being weak, for being worthless. There was no other explanation. I had done everything right. I had done everything Tami told me to do yet here we were. At this moment, again.

I closed my eyes, taking in deep slow breathes. I was a failure, again. It would seem that I wasn't good enough after all. 

Tami took my hand gently into her own. "I know what you must be thinking right now," she said softly. Her eyes so filled with compassion that it made my heart ache. 

"You did good, you did right by this baby and this isn't your fault. So now, we move onto Plan C, but remember that you have people here that love you and care about you. No matter what happens now, hold onto that love. Find strength in it and take comfort in knowing that you did an amazing job under terrible circumstances. You did good," she said.

I couldn't stop the tears from flowing even if I tried. I didn't do good. I didn't.

"I...failed again,"

"No, you didn't. Look at it this way, you did the best that you could and that has to be enough because there was nothing more you could have done and you are in capable hands. They are going to save your baby, you have to have faith and leave the rest in God's hands. No matter what happens from this moment forward, take comfort in that knowledge." her words were filled with a firm resolve. 

She was pressing her faith into me, trying to will me to fight for just a little bit longer but I was struggling with my faith. I was struggling with my will to keep fighting because I was a failure.

I closed my eyes, trying to will myself someplace else. If I had only left when I had thought about it all those months ago maybe this wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe, the possibility of losing her wouldn't tear at my soul the way that it was.

My breaths became ragged and short. 

"You need to breath in deeply," she reminded me.

I still had my eyes closed. I didn't want to see the disappointment on their faces. I didn't want to see the hate in their eyes at my failure. I wanted to become invisible and let the world swallow me up. 

The bed began to move and I opened my eyes to see the three of them standing there staring at me as I was wheeled away. My heart was breaking.