The Worst (Unthinkable)

This Way

"I'm about to go to the restroom real quick" I announce slightly pushing my chair back standing up rushing to the restroom before they could say anything.

I waited for the lady at the sink to finish drying her hands and walk out  the restroom before I locked the door behind her.

Dialing her number I held the phone up to my ear listening to it ring.

"Wh-"

"Why are you doing this right now?" My voice cracks and my vision blurs as tears well in my eyes.

"What am I doing? You can say fuck me but I can't say fuck you?

"What pleasure do you get out of fucking with my head? Your trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty like all of this isn't your fault" Sighing deeply I close me eyes evening out my breathing so I could calm down, I was shaking so bad.

"I'm not fucking with ya head and this ain't my fault, it's yo lil friend fault"

"Stop. Stop trying to blame everything on rah when you know all of this could've been prevented if you would've just called me"

"I already took accountability for that but when you gone take accountability for what you did? Cause you not innocent either but you so stuck on playing this victim role"

"What the fuck are you talking about right now" I sniffle drying my eyes with the back of my hand.

"How you gone be with this nigga after all that shit? That's fucked up nic"

"Fucked up like how you cheated on me with kiyo then after all that shit you did in miami I walk in ya house to see you right back with her, fucked up like that right?"

The line fell silent and I softly chuckle shaking my head.

"Exactly. You put me through so much shit because you can't sleep alone, and like the dummy I am, I'm still here" I softly laugh shaking my head.

"Then let me go, you acting like I'm forcing you to fuck with me. Just tell me that you don't love me no more, please, I'm begging you"

"You think I haven't tried to let you go? Every little thing I do leads me right back to you, no matter what I do I always end up right back under you"

"So why you fighting the inevitable? Fallback into me" Shutting my eyes I rest my head against the wall with a small sigh.

It sounded so fucking good, but it wasn't that simple.

"You don't even love that nigga, you just scared to give ya all to me again. I will never have you feeling that low again nic, just trust me" She spoke soft and gentle, like she knew I was clinging on to every word that fell from her lips.

"You know I'm the only one that can fix you"

Midnight
Bronx, New York
Onika Maraj

I watched his chest slowly rise then fall, he looked so peaceful.

He didn't deserve what I was doing to him, the distance between us these past months was evident but he never dared to speak on it.

I honestly think he was scared to lose me but in all actuality he never had me, I knew that sounded harsh but it was true.

It was pitiful that I couldn't think of one moment I was with him and wasn't thinking about her.

Every night we layed in this bed together pulling the thick comforter over our bodies but it wasn't thick enough to hide the thin sheet of tension between us.

We both knew that once we addressed the elephant in the room nothing would be the same.

Cardi was right when she said he didn't know me, it was like he was outside with his ear up to the walls of my world.

He layed on left side of me every night and somehow was still on the outside of my world with no way in.

It was never supposed to go this far anyways, what started off as a simple distraction turned into a huge situation.

Now I'm tangled up in his sheets, suffocating, and I didn't know how to unravel myself out this bed without hurting him in the process.

My phone buzzes behind me and I freeze hoping he didn't hear it, after watching his chest rise and fall for 30 seconds I slowly turn on my right side with my back facing him.

Reaching over I quietly pick my phone up off the nightstand focusing my eyes on the dimly lit screen.

The Worst📵- Come outside.

Yo y'all gotta go listen to H.E.R x Khalid this way, it's krazyy how much this song applies to this book and word to it wasn't intentional😭