In Your Arms

Chap. 64: Always

            After about an hour or so, I hear slow footsteps coming up the hallway. I close my eyes, sighing. Here it comes. It's going to happen. It was great while it lasted....the sound of Chris's lips smacking for Copper fill the air.
             "Bubba." Copper goes running to Chris, copper ears flapping. "Good boy."
           I bury my face into the pillow, sniffing. Our argument of his shots and my fires go back and forth in my mind. I can feel the weight of Chris's body on the bed at my middle. He remains silent for the longest time, I wonder what he's thinking. If he's debating on how we should address our situation or if he should just try to help me for a while before we forever become a lost cause.
          Chris sniffs, his body shifting on the bed—HEY THERE NOW! My tight jeans are being unbuttoned and my shirt is being pulled up. I frantically look at Chris to see a shocking surprise: tear filled eyes and a stretched smile. He puts his plump lips to my stomach, his hand gently caressing my belly fat.
          "Hello, my beautiful son or daughter, this is your daddy speaking." Chris's voice is shaky, uneven. "I love you so, so, so much! I can't wait to hold you in my arms and tell you stories. You sitting in my lap—"
            I lightly grip his slick hair, stopping him. He closes his eyes and presses his face onto my stomach. His hand moves to my bottom and the other to the top of my stomach.
              "You and your mommy is the most precious things I have." Chris says softly, "I love you both so, so much it physically hurts."
              "Chris—" I say as his voice breaks.
               Chris looks up at me with those blue eyes, sad. "Marry me."
             "I can't marry you." I say in a low voice, "There's too much hurt and risk involved now."
           Chris sits up straighter, his expression serious. "Marry me tonight."
         I give him a horrified look, shocked. I am speechless. I search for my words, trying to find something logical and sane to say after THAT.
         "Have you lost your mind?!" I growl.
          "Katie, I want you to be my wife. I already think of you as my wife. I've told you that." Chris says with stars in his wild eyes, "Now we're going to have a baby! A baby! Why don't we get married? It's the logical explanation. We're already in love, Katie. Why don't we make this official and just elope?"
            I fumble on my words, struggling to process his logic. "Because it-it-it-it-it's—NEVER GOING TO WORK!"
              Chris gives me a confused look. I shake my head, my cheeks heated. I sit up, a wave of nausea rushing over me. I cover my mouth, feeling queasy.
              "Why won't it work?" Chris says confused, a little defensive.
              "Chris, I don't know what Dr. Brooks told you, but I have a HIGH chance of losing this kid or it being defected...or with no heartbeat. And there's an even higher chance that I'll become infertile!" I put my hands on Chris's shoulders, looking deep in the eyes. "Chris, you want a BIG family and to have your wife's belly big and round AND I CAN'T GIVE YOU THAT! This baby is in danger because my body isn't meant to carry one! We're going to lose it and you're sitting there acting like everything's normal—"
             "I'm trying to stay positive, Katie! Don't you think I'm aware of all that COULD go wrong? I KNOW that we could lose our baby, I know this is going to be hard—but let's not focus on something we can't control! Let's focus on what we CAN do." Chris says angrily, cooling down. "I'm madly in love with you, Katie. I'm crazy about you! I want you both to be healthy and safe. I don't want to lose either of you, so let's hope and pray to God that you both remain healthy."
          "I'm sorry, Chris. I wish I wasn't so damaged inside so I could give you what you deserve. But I'm not." I say with tears streaking down my face.
              Chris shakes his head. "You're NOT damaged."
            "Yes, I am!" I shout at him, "And marrying me will only make you resent me and hate me because I can't give you the one thing you want most in life!"
              Chris shakes his head, his voice soft. "I could never."
            "You're going to wake up one day wondering what the hell it would have been like if you hadn't wasted the rest your life by settling on me!" I scream at him, "I will never be able to satisfy you! You'll always feel regret, even if you never admit it!"
           "Well you're pregnant now, Katie." Chris puts his hands on my stomach, "Now calm down before you hurt MY baby."
            "I can't marry you, Chris. I could never ask you to ruin your life and take away your desires and dreams. I'm not selfish enough...I love you too much to be so cruel." I go weak, my head down. "It's not such a beautiful place after all."
            Chris lifts my chin up, making me look him in his blue eyes. "Katie Isabella Morgan, please marry me tonight. I want what you can give me, not what you can't. Make me the happiest man, Baby. We'll work through our problems and make do on what we can. I'll never give up on you. Never. If we fail, we'll try again. And if we fail again, we'll try something else—but I can't lose you. I got you and now I can't lose you. Please."
           "But I can't—" I start.
            "Yes, you can." Chris says in a soft voice, his thumb caressing my cheek. "In my heart, you're already my wife. Don't run from me because you're scared. Baby breathe, I'm right here. Always."