Pucker Up, Buttercup | Jaeyong

- s e v e n -

My heart is hammering, I can't tell if it is because I'm flattered by his words or if I am terribly overwhelmed with the uncountable numbers of circumstances that are happening in mere instants. I don't think there is a single person on Earth who would intentionally kill someone for my sake, except Jaehyun. My own grandmother wouldn't. However, I have come to terms with the fact that he has had a massive crush on me for years now without me knowing who he really is - I am not that dimwitted, he has told me things, and he has also been quite obvious about it... Especially right now.

Sometimes I wonder why he would even notice me, especially since I avoid all chances of being noticed by anyone. He just managed to slip through the gaps in time where I have let my guard down.

"That's funny, " Krystal utters, walking over to her boyfriend Donghae (they're the school's most famous couple at the moment) who is being strangled by Jaehyun - without giving a single care in the world about it. She's either cocky or doesn't love the man at all, this could be a result of her possible cold-heartedness. Not only that, it amazes me how she gets away with wearing high heels to school every day, but then again, her dad has been rumoured be the brother of the principle. Her and Donghae simply get away with anything and everything, that's how crap our school really is, it's a bliss for any bully. She still isn't relatively as tall as Jaehyun in those heels of hers though. "I heard a rumour that you strived to jump off of the school roof back in January, that's if your scars are anything to go by." She roughly grabs Jaehyun's arm and squeezes a particular area until his eyes water and he let's go of Donghae's neck.

While I listen, I almost forget to breathe.

He's suicidal?

It somehow really shocks me, knowing this information, even though I thought that most bullying victims did have some sort of depression before I met him. I just thought... Well, I didn't want to believe that he felt that way. He always seems so happy and lively around me.

"Admit it, you're a pushover. You're cowering just from me touching you! Did you really think that you could escape this? You can't. You never will. You don't have the guts—"

I want to say something but I can't, I...

"—you're better off dead—"

Maybe...

"—nobody cares about you, that boyfriend of yours can't even defend you! You're hopeless—"

I can. I can! I really can! If I try! I feel it fizzing up in my stomach, I can do this, if I just try, I need to do something- if I just... Shout loud enough... "S-s-shut up!" My face immediately turns bright red, and I move my eyes back to the concrete ground so I can distract myself from all of the eyes burning into my entire body and judging me. Also so I can stop myself from crying any more since my eyes are already achingly sore. "L-leave him alone...!" I mutter through biting my lower lip nervously, which is a coping mechanism. I am trying my absolute best to suppress the panic beginning to grow from within me and threatening to climb out from the depth of deep-seated trauma. My lip-biting mechanism is not good, I always am in agony later-on, especially when I eat because I bite my mouth until it is raw and swollen.

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Jaehyun has not exactly spoken to me after I managed to slightly break through my ultimate comfort zone just to shout in defence, anxiously walk through the crowd, being pushed around a little, until eventually grabbing his hand and running away with him. It was that simple, it somehow shocked me. I was expecting to be sliced across the throat with a knife by one of them. Turns out they truly are not as frightening as I made them out to be, they only have words for weapons.

That's why I have always disagreed with that one saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but, words will never hurt me.' It's a lie. Words hurt ten times more than being punched, kicked, pulled around and slapped. Words hit different, they trigger insecurities of mentally ill people - those words eat away at you and the pain can take years, decades even, to heal from. Even the words that people do not insinuate to cause pain. I think that my very first words directed to Jaehyun should be that too. "Y-y-you know uh-" I gulp, I'm already screwing this up. Instead, I close my eyes and trick myself into thinking that I am talking to my grandma instead. "T-that saying?" I reopen my eyes, trying to force a smile from the edges of my mouth.

Jaehyun instantly gets snapped out his thoughts, whirling his skull to face me promptly. "What saying would that be?" He replies to me, gripping on tighter to my hand until I feel the need to lean into him for some strange reason, like a cat with their scent glands.

I'm quite envious about how his words easily drip off of his tongue like a waterfall, instead, I have to deal with the courtesy of a stutter... I suppose that's just the price I have to pay.

I gulp again, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." I speak in a rush, trying to avoid that stutter as much as I can! "It's an- a-a lie..." Damn it...

He nods his head approvingly and additionally hums, "Yeah." I likewise notice a charming grin prospering on his face for whatever reason that might be.

"W-words hurt m-more..." I add.

"Yeah, " he agrees, "they do." He removes his hand from mine, immediately coldness fills that space and causes me to long for more of his warmth again. But I cannot complain for too long, since he begins to stroke my hair gently, moving downwards to the nape of my neck, he massages the area with his fingertips. "Word's can hurt a lot." At this, I wince, my shoulder blades rising in an act to move his hand away - trying my best to not giggle but I do. "Ticklish?" He tilts his head, smiling more.

As much as I love his smile I know he's only smiling to make me feel better, I know he's hurt, I would be; if I was verbally insulted and humiliated.

He's just putting on his façade again...