Pucker Up, Buttercup | Jaeyong

l e - o n d e

I had slammed the entrance shut as tightly as I could, although my body was about to give up on me and collapse to the floor in defeat, I proceeded my quest in pressing the whole expanse of my back into it so I could be alone in this dark, filthy place of the school. I swear I saw a dreadful-looking rat briefly scattering past in my periphery, I am too intoxicated by my fear to react to the creature.

I am feeling a wave of Deja Vu strike me.

"Taeyong! I'm sorry! I was only asking a question out of curiosity! I don't want to- like- do it with you or anything-"

He's an egotistical liar! I cannot trust anything that he tells me! Not from this point onwards! Never again! I may be a man, but my gender alone is born with greed and deception! Sometimes, it makes me want to vomit from the number of times I considered myself part of the 'man culture'! I am Taeyong, that is who I am. I may be male but I do not want to be a part of half the things men do! Some might say, I am androgynous. Maybe that's too far... Is it? I mean, I am interested in woman's fashion, those magazines I have... I'm just too scared to try some of it...

Plus if his intense kissing sessions with me are anything to go by, I am sure he definitely thought about hooking up with me at least once! (I may or may not have dreamt about it a few times here and there but it is not as if I actually will let it happen, of course, no thanks). He is a perfectionist at curling me tightly around his finger. Mind you, his hands are beautiful.

I must become more aware. I must learn to realise what he is doing might as well be manipulative!

Possibly I am just venting too extensively because I'm clearly frightened - I'm acting as if I went through hell and back...

Here, if somebody else was to approach me right now at this moment, they would perhaps believe that I have gone to hell.

I feel disgusting, tainted, estranged. If there was a word that combined all of those things, I am that exactly and I would use that word to describe my current feeling. However, my vocabulary range can only reach so far until my brain becomes fried and sound waves travel like static.

"I'm not gonna hurt you!"

He's lying.

They all say that, but in the end, they do. In the end... I will always be a broken record.

I feel my bag drift off of my shoulder, smacking the ground with a heavy impact - most of the weight inside of the bag is brought on by thick textbooks and reading books from the local school library. They are free books (to borrow) until you lose them, that's when you have to pay for them. I have lost six already. It's an unpleasant payment, seeing as you pay for accidentally losing it, plus I get scolded heavily by my grandma and aunt who don't have a lot of money to give. You end up having nothing after - because you lost the book in the first place! I have only managed to find one of the books that I lost, in my garden, the pages turned soggy and drenched along with splatters of mud, some bugs had created a home inside of it too, I don't blame them. I left the book there, I felt bad about throwing it away when the wild-life has already inhabited it. The book is biodegradable anyway.

I speculate that my breathing is beginning to regulate itself. Slowly but certainly, I feel calmer. When I talk to myself, out loud or inside of my mind, it reassures me. The only person in this entire world that I have a firm and genuine trust for is me, myself and I only. I am my own family. I am my own best friend. Although loneliness may shorten my lifespan just a little bit, at least I won't have to live longer like this— I heard myself mumble. Did I just say that out loud? I think... I did. I am not depressed, I'm just coming up with excuses for my own fears...! Right? There's nothing wrong with that!