All Again

Chapter 4

"Lisa," Chris said pleadingly, "please don't." Reaching out, he ran his thumb gently over her cheek, wiping away the wetness there before dropping his hand back to his lap. "It wasn't like that, Lisa. I was going to tell you," he continued with a hint of urgency in his voice. But Lisa's anger started to mount again. She could feel herself tensing, wishing now that she had thought through what she was going to say before coming here tonight.

"When, Chris? When were you going to tell me? Certainly not months ago when Rosé found out. Not during any of the dozens of times we spoke on the phone or over dinner. What is it then, Chris? Does our friendship not mean as much to you as it does to me? Is that it?" Lisa demanded to know.

"Ugh, fuuuuck," Chris let out in frustration. He always did have a way with words. "Fuck, fuck, fuuuuuck," he carried on, getting up off the couch and pacing in front of the fireplace, rubbing his face repeatedly. "This was not how this was supposed to go," he mumbled to himself.

And just like that, the pacing and the face-rubbing and the talking all stopped and he turned to Lisa, "I'm in love with you," he let out in a breath.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop...

"I've been in love with you since...well... forever," he continued, coming back to sit beside her on the couch.

Oh my god, please stop. Stop, stop, stop.

"And all those disapproving looks you use to give my girlfriends over the years - every one of them - you always had one excuse or another why you didn't think they were right for me. And I thought... well, I had hoped that maybe you were jealous. That maybe that meant you felt the same way."

No, no, no. 'Chris, stop', Lisa's mind was begging. Her discomfort was palpable.

"Chris, please," Lisa finally managed to say, her voice barely above a whisper. "You have to stop."

"You're right, Lisa," Chris conceded. "That's just it, I have to stop," he sighed, visibly deflating.

Getting over the initial shock of his words, Lisa's discomfort was quickly replaced by an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach. She looked at Chris - really looked at him - sitting there next to her, so lost and defeated. His usually boyish face had a distinct aged quality to it, as if revealing his long-held secret had literally worn him out.

"I don't know what to say, Chris."

"You don't need to say anything. I've realized for a while now that whatever it is that I felt for you wasn't mutual. I hadn't planned to tell you, but this whole thing with Jennie got completely out of control." Chris reached for Lisa's hands, grasping them firmly in his own and drawing her eyes back up to his face. "Lisa, I am so sorry," he said with such sincerity," for everything."

At his words, fresh tears fell from Lisa's eyes. Her heart broke for this beautiful man sitting in front of her.

"Firstly," she sniffled, "I hate you for making me cry." That earned her a warm smile from Chris which she happily returned. "And secondly, I owe you an apology as well. I didn't mean to belittle your relationship with Jennie just because I was upset with you about something else. She is an amazing woman and I can see that you really care for her." And as much as it pained her to say it, she really did want her friend to be happy. If Jennie was what was going to do that for him, then she would need to set aside her own feelings and desires and support the two of them as a couple.

"As much as I would love to lighten the mood a bit and move on to talking about the weather or sports, even - god help me - you never said why it was that you kept Jennie a secret from me this whole time."

"Oh my god, Lisa, are you trying to kill me?" Chris whined. "I really think we should let this lie and chalk it up to poor judgment on my part."

"Please, Chris," Lisa prodded gently. "I just need to know, and I promise that whatever it is you're going to say, it won't change anything between us or make things awkward. Really," she added, nudging his knee with her own.

Chris redirected his gaze to the burning fire, taking a moment to think about what he wanted to say.

"I think I avoided introducing you to her because," he paused, squinting slightly as if trying to see something far off in the distance, "I was afraid of being in the same room with the two of you."

That was an unusual response. Lisa wasn't entirely sure what that meant but was almost afraid to ask for clarification. But she didn't need to because Chris began to speak again, as if sensing her confusion.

"It's like... when you're around, all I can see is you."

Lisa was speechless. Chris was never one to express such romantic sentiments, and Lisa had certainly never been on the receiving end. Torn between making some type of physical contact to reassure him that she had heard him and was okay with what he had said, or giving him space to collect his thoughts, she went with the latter.

After another brief pause, he continued, "From the moment I met her, I really thought that Jennie and I had a chance and I didn't want to ruin the promise of something more by setting us up for failure." Chris leaned further back into the couch, extending his legs out in front of him and crossing his feet at the ankles, striking a surprisingly casual pose given the circumstances. "I kept holding off your meeting - week after week after week. Obviously some of that was just bad timing and time just... got away."

And there it all was - everything out in the open. Well... almost everything. He didn't need to know about Lisa's crazy infatuation with Jennie, or getting caught flirting at Rosé's house this evening. That was water under the bridge. Lisa was ready to move forward and told Chris more or less the same. To ease the tension in the room and give herself a moment to collect her thoughts, Lisa asked Chris to tell her about how he and Jennie had met and get her up to speed on everything she had missed in that time. As Chris spoke enthusiastically about all things 'Jennie', Lisa sat comfortably in her corner of the soft leather couch, nursing her beer. She wondered idly if all the important things in her life were destined to happen on this couch. The thought brought a smile to her lips, though it didn't last long.

Truth carries a lot of weight. And Lisa had wanted so badly to mean it when she had promised Chris that she would be okay with whatever he told her; that it wouldn't change things between them. But she knew, even as she said it, that it was a lie. She felt the very foundation of their friendship shift tonight. It was unfair in so many ways. For Chris, nothing was different. He had carried his feelings for Lisa for years and had forged and strengthened that friendship with those feelings firmly in place. But for Lisa, she struggled to assimilate this new information. It was like when she was in grade school and learned that humans had once walked from Russia to Alaska. But no matter how ridiculous it may sound when you say it out loud, it doesn't make it any less true.

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough...

*

A/N:

Let's complicate things...