So Where Does that Put Us (boy x boy)

Chapter Two - Ben

"Ben? Cool name!" She seems a bit too enthusiastic for such an uninteresting name.

"It's common," I yell over the music before opening the door until I can explain in a normal tone of voice even with the whole building shaking with the volume. "My mom wanted an American sounding name so I got stuck with the most boring name ever," I think for a moment then say, "she's Japanese for context."

"That's cool!" No it isn't. "I've watched some anime. Japan is such a cool country."

"Never been," I clench my jaw, leading the way to my car without saying more.

The music still echoes around in my head, making my headache worse and worse and worse. She keeps talking as we walk the long row of cars disappearing down into the street but I barely pay attention, vision blurring. I try to stop thinking as a coldness seeps through my chest until my fingers go numb even though it's warm out. I can barely hear Reid talking in the background, "I've been coming to the school for just this year, how long have you been?"

"Mmhm," I say absent-mindedly, not registering the question as I reach my car and unlock the door.

She looks up and down at my well-maintained Challenger, pulling her hair into a ponytail, revealing her shaved neck. "How many part-time jobs did it take to afford this baby?"

"None. My parents got it for me when I got my license," I reach in and pull out a Mountain Dew for her and a second one for myself.

"Gotcha, gotcha," she says before chugging the Mountain Dew as we (unfortunately) head back to the party. I can see the bright lights flashing through the windows and the music will probably be ingrained in my head for the rest of time.

I open the door for her and blink into the place. Stairs loom in front of me, light seeping out from the top. I follow in after Reid, glancing up at the light. It's coming from an open door. Reid keeps talking, too quiet for the music volume, but somehow it all fades into the background as I narrow my eyes at the door. A flash of curly copper hair flashes by before the door partially closes. Is that...Justin?

"You alright?" Reid says, already halfway back to the living room where most of the party-goers still dance, though some have dropped to the floor like flies.

"Yeah uh, nice meeting you, but I need to check something...The music is loud and stuff. I need some air."

"Weren't you just outside?" She says.

I don't respond, walking up the steps as if something pulls me from the other end. Why would Justin be at a party like this? Hell, why am I at a party like this?

The music isn't much quieter once I reach the landing at the top of the steps, but the lack of people releases a small amount of tension between my shoulders. The white door stands right in front of me now, open enough for me to catch a glimpse inside. I hear quiet voices, not words exactly, but sounds. Some noise disturbing the endless beating coming from downstairs. My hand automatically reaches out, grabbing the door handle, eyes flickering up to the gap.

And there he is. Justin sits on the bed, talking to someone. I hold my breath, adjusting my angle to see who it is. Ugh. Griffin Fiergang. My heart plummets and I almost gag as a hole opens in my chest. I try to turn away but I can't move. I'm frozen. I watch half in horror, half in sick fascination as my best friend leans forward, eyes fluttering shut. Griffin has a hand on his cheek and he says something I can't make out right before kissing Justin.

My mouth falls open and I stumble back as if someone punched me in the gut. What the hell? This can't be right. Before my brain has time to think, I run down the stairs and into the crowd, music and world spinning around and around and around. Thoughts spin around too, tangled with the words of pastors and sermons "Gay bad, big no-no" along with "he's your best friend, he's your best friend."

Here I am again, in the middle of the crowd, wishing I could scream but even if I did no one would hear me over the thundering music. No one even looks my way as I stumble past people, some girl grinding against me before I fall back onto a couple making out. Gross. My soccer friend looks over at me from his spot surrounded by girls. "YO!" He shouts, slurring, "Ben! My driver! My main man."

I force myself to keep my expression calm. Even if they're all drunk, no one needs to think I'm losing it. I can't lose it.

I need to get out of here.

Lost in the thicket of the crowd, I turn to the door, catching a glimpse of red hair. I watch Justin bolt through the front door and hurry after him, shoving people out of the way. I hear Reid call after me, "Hey! Ben! Wait up, would you?"

"Sorry I have to go!" I shout back, voice lost in the crowd.

"HEY!" Another voice calls right as I step through the front door and into the dark night. Someone grabs my arm and I whirl around, sneering.

"What do you want?" I glare at Griffin.

"You're friends with Justin, right?" His icy eyes bore into mine so I make my posture even better than it usually is just so he can see how small he is in comparison to me.

"Yes."

"What's wrong with him?" Griffin seems genuinely confused even though he doesn't seem to have a genuine bone in his body.

"Excuse me?" There's nothing wrong with him! Well...

"I mean he's so...I don't know how to describe it. Anxious?"

"So he's a little skittish. So what. Leave him alone."

"It's not that...can't you just tell me what's going on here? Why do I feel like everyone knows this big secret and I'm just fucking clueless?"

"Like I said, leave him alone," I say, jerking away from him and walking further through the open door.

He follows. "Tell me! I want to know what I'm getting into here."

"Maybe you shouldn't 'get into' anything."

"What's your problem with me?" Griffin growls as I walk all the way through the door.

I don't say anything.

"Just tell me. I won't leave you alone until you do."

I have no doubt he means it. But Griffin won't understand. Justin didn't speak for a month after it happened. Justin's changed so much in just a year... I run a hand down my face, still seeing him standing by the casket, staring at his shoes as his hands fidget uncontrollably. Griffin could never fathom what it was like when it happened. Sighing, I turn to Griffin, "His sister died," I finally say before dashing off into the night in search of my best friend.

I give Griffin one last glance as he stands on the front porch, eyes wide and mouth half open. He didn't hear the second part of that sentence I don't say out loud.

His sister died and it's my fault.