So Where Does that Put Us (boy x boy)

Mr. Burness nods at me, "You're doing much better with breathing, good job. Loosen up a bit more though. Now, let's dive into the text."

He continues talking but I tune out, staring out the window at the sunny day waiting outside. A bird sits right on the windowsill, peering at me with an intelligent stare. I blink at it, tilting my head and it does the same. Then the bird squawks, barely audible through the droning on of the piano as Mr. Burness tries to emphasize whatever point he just made. The bird spreads its oily black wings and disappears in a flash of feathers.

Now I have nothing to stare at but the rest of the class, which I refuse to do. Because what if they stare back at me? Or make faces at me or flip me off and then I break down and then the whole school starts staring at me.

No. I fix my gaze on the dark wood floor, watching the feet of my fellow peers tap in rhythm to Mr. Burness' voice as he belts out my piece much better than I could ever do. He stops, "And that's how you convey the bitter longing the character is feeling. We know he wants her with all his heart but he's trapped in a proverbial cage."

He looks at me now and I force myself to look back, watching his tweed jacket move with the frantic motions of his hands. "Think of examples from your own life," he leans back against the piano, fawn hair sticking out in all directions. He smooths it back, "be vulnerable with yourself. That's the key to putting emotion into singing. Use your own. Try the exposition just one more time, no piano," he waves his hand at me and I nod.

He doesn't give me a starting note but I easily find the pitch in my head and start. The piece is slow and I instantly close my eyes, trying to pretend that there aren't people watching me.

Think of examples from your own life...

Longing? Do I long for something? Or someone? My heart and voice decide yes while my head still struggles to grasp what the words really mean. My lungs decide that today they will function properly (thanks lungs, now just do this every other day), and I sing with renewed strength. I should sing for Griffin, seeing as he and I are together. Except when I think his name, an image of what he did to me that day behind the school pops into my head. The air in my lungs suddenly deflates like a balloon. I struggle to get back into the song but his name makes me feel like someone punched me in the gut.

Then the bell rings.

I'm left standing there, frozen, breathing in and out like a firing piston my mind far away.

"Okay everyone," Mr. Burness says, pulling me back to reality. "Good job, Justin but I still don't think you're being vulnerable with yourself. I feel no passion and I've seen it in you before so I know you can do it."

I give him a nervous nod, running to my desk and grabbing my backpack. I scurry out of the room, almost slipping on the freshly waxed floors, the image of Griffin still fresh in my mind. And when I dash to my locker for the last time that day, dodging past my peers as they emerge from their final classes, I spot Ben walking down the hall, taller than almost everyone around him. My heart immediately stops. I find myself staring at him even as people shove past me. His hair falls into his face (I noticed he stopped gelling it recently), and he brushes it away. I can barely see his eyes but he starts walking towards me.

For some reason, I turn the other way.

I need to take care of something first.

Dodging and weaving through the crowd again, I step out into the court yard, finding an old green bench underneath a tree. Griffin always comes out this way, usually followed by Rodrick. My breath hitches and I tug at my hair, pulling harder and harder. My other hand goes to my arm, scratching at my exposed skin. My wounds have mostly healed since the last time...