A reason to doubt me

We‘re two weeks into the On With The Show tour. It‘s been quite good so far, it‘s very different. I got so used to it being just me and Lindsey splitting the set list, but now with Christine back, I have much less time on stage and I can‘t say I‘m a big fan of that. I go out there to perform, and now I spend more time getting on and off stage. Although I‘m sure I will be fine soon.

Lindsey is being so sweet to me, he cares a lot, which is good, because we don‘t spend the whole time screaming at each other. We‘re getting so much closer too, we‘re getting to know each other again. We tease and laugh and that‘s what it‘s all about. The way our relationship is now, this is what I want. And if I knew it wouldn‘t change, I would take that step and divorce Jeff. But I can‘t, not yet. If I do and Lindsey and I fail, that‘s it, it‘s all gone and I have nothing, I‘m afraid of being alone and lonely. Yes, I would still have Dylan and Matthew, but it‘s not the same as to what I need.

The night Jeff and I spent together before I had to leave was magical, really. He couldn‘t be more loving and it reminded me exactly why I‘ve stayed with him all these years. And it might have been only half a month, but I miss him a lot already. Especially now that our anniversary is coming up.

I‘m in my hotel room, my journal, pen and glasses on the bed by my side. I want to talk to him.

“Hey, baby.“

I smile to myself. “Hello yourself.“

“How are you? Everything ok?”

“Oh yeah, things are going smoothly, almost too good I’d say.”

“Don’t curse it, my little witch.”

“You call me that again and I’m hanging up on you.”

“I’m sorry!” He’s quick to apologize. “Do you want anything?”

“Well, I was wondering if you were able to get yourself a free Friday?”

“Friday? Why would I…”

“Oh my god, you forgot!”

“No, no Stephanie, I didn’t. It’s our wedding anniversary, I know, but I’ve been a little stressed out, I’ve got a lot of work.”

“Right. And if I was the one who forgot it, you’d be hating me right now.”

“Don’t talk like that baby, that’s not true.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Now you’re pissed at me.”

“Because it’s an important day, Jeff.”

“I know, I know, sweetheart. I swear to you, I’ll do my best to fly over there, wherever you’ll be that night, and spend some time with you.”

“We’ll see how it goes.”

“I love you.”

I can’t stop myself. “I love you, too.”

~

Friday is here and it’s after the show already. I left everyone behind shortly after, because I wanted to get to my hotel room as soon as possible, shower, put on something sexy and wait for my husband to show up. I’m even a little surprised how excited I am about seeing Jeff.

I did all of the above and I’m lying on the bed, getting slightly nervous. I glance at the time and he’s late. It’s ok, he’ll be here. I’m feeling less optimistic with each passing minute. I’m beginning to cry and I hate that. I wanted this night to be more than me alone in bed with my dog. I had plans for us and he craps all over it. I’m sad and angry, and emotional and that’s the worst state of me.

There’s a knock on the door and I practically run to open it, but it’s not Jeff. I’m way too exposed, so I tie the sash of my robe, crossing my arms. “What do you want?”

“Why are you upset?”

How can he read me so well is a mystery to me. “It doesn’t matter, I’m fine.”

“Are you fine or it doesn’t matter?”

“Lindsey!”

“Ok, ok. Sorry.”

I’m touched that the first thing he noticed was that I’m sad and not the fact I’m basically naked. “Why are you here?”

“I found this, believe it’s yours.” He holds up my bracelet and I nod, taking it from him.

“Thank you so much for bringing it back to me! I was going crazy, thinking I’ve lost it.”

“Well, you did, but I found it, so I’m really a hero.”

He’s too adorable for me too handle right now. “You are, it was a gift from…”

“I get.” He finishes for me. “Um… Can I come in?”

“I… Lindsey, I’m not sure it’s such a good idea.”

“You’re upset, Stevie, I don’t want you to be sad. Let me in and we’ll talk about it.”

I’m a little hesitant. Jeff might still show up and what a disaster that would be. Against my better judgment, I step aside and Lindsey enters the room. “Can I get you anything?”

He eyes the champagne sitting in the ice bucket and raises his eyebrow at me. “Stevie, is this even somehow important?”

“It was supposed to be, yes.” I sit down next to him, forgetting to adjust my choice of clothing.

“What was today?”

“My twenty seventh wedding anniversary.”

“Oh, no way… He didn’t come?”

I shake my head and look away. “I got ready and I was waiting for him for hours, but it doesn’t seem as important to him as it is to me.”

“My poor, baby.” That sounds so inappropriate and yet it doesn’t. His hand is on my thigh and I don’t shake it off. “I can celebrate with you.”

“You? Celebrating my wedding anniversary with me?”

He shrugs. “Why not? You have it all set up and you wouldn’t want it to go to waste, would you?”

“Lindsey, are you serious?” I have to laugh at what he’s suggesting.

“Sure! Why? You’re afraid he’ll show up?”

“Well… yeah.”

He takes my hands in his and looks at me, seeing right through me, so there’s no point in being dishonest. “Will he?”

“No.”

“Let’s open up that bottle then.”

I hold out two glasses for Lindsey to fill up, silently praying now that Jeff’s flight didn’t got delayed or anything like that, that he just really didn’t want to come and spend the night with me.