SINCE DAY ONE ― luke hemmings ?

go ahead rip my heart out
if you think that's what
love's all about

*・。*゜・。・o゜・。*゜・。・o*゜・。・o*

The first thing Luke Hemmings did was walk.

There were endless paths, so many road to take yet not a single destination that he stumbled on a liquor store and ended up buying enough booze to make three people drunk. It was dumb, but upon walking the streets back, he never cared much if anyone else sees him. He doesn't care much if he was pictured drinking on a bottle of vodka straight through as if the cold bitterness of it didn't numb his tongue and traced within his throat. He didn't seem to care when people looked at him at the elevator while still chugging down nonchalantly.

He went straight in front their room, stopping midway to change his mind yet finding it useless to recoil when he thought he'd just get his things and moved to the boys. Luke Hemmings was hurting, yet he managed to keep it at bay until he walked into the room and found it—almost empty.

Theo already moved out before he even could.

It made him furious when it reminded him of the time she went away. It made him hurt when it reminded him of the time where he felt alone at their apartment. Of her lingering scent still there yet she was nowhere. Theodora Auclair managed to break his heart over and over again he wondered if he was just stupidly in love to be blinded about the fact.

Yet somewhere, somehow, there was a part of his heart that couldn't hate her no matter how desperately he wanted to. There was a part of him that ached so much, that all he wanted was to reach out. To ask her if she's okay, to ask her if anything still hurts. But there was a feeling that flooded his mind again, one that wanted to cry, one that wanted to lash out when he knew there was been a chance he'd never see her again and never know why. There was a chance Luke was just gonna know one day, he lost her over the battles and he was not there. He wasn't there to calm her heart, he wasn't there to tell her everything will be okay.

Luke Hemmings wasn't there to remind her every minute of her life that he's not going away.

No matter what.

Finding someone in the sea of people was just a little task that came with loving someone. Yet he knew, even before the truth, that he was willing to go through heaven and back just to be with her. Luke knew that there was no way, not even that damn disease, would change his mind. And he felt so angry she doubted him. She doubted how much he loves her. She doubted how much he was willing to do everything for her.

Theo kept saying it. Theo kept repeating that she didn't want him to do everything for her. But Luke knew deep in his heart, he'd already made that decision since day one.

He could remember it, while sitting in front of the window downing the second bottle of vodka, when she sat there at the wooden chair struggling to save her hair piece by piece. How even if her brows were all furrowed, or when she kept cursing quietly while being disgusted and pissed at the same time, the vocalist knew there was a part of him that already went to her. There was a part of his heart growing slowly that he wanted nothing else but to know her. To be with her. No matter how high the tides get.

Luke found himself crying, against his will. He cried, and cried until his cheeks were wet and his visions started to blur. His phone kept ringing, one after the other every passing hour yet a person crossed his mind all while his phone flashed a million times. One that he dialed almost instantly and waited patiently, not caring about the different timezones when the man answered it on the other line all while still yawning. "Luke? Is this really you?"

"Yeah, it's me, Eric."

"What's wrong? Is Theo alright? Are you with her?"

"N-No, I'm not. I just..." He felt weak all of a sudden, not being able to bring himself to do what he wanted to do just minutes ago before he called him on a whim.

"You found out, didn't you?" Luke closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. Trying his best not to let his sobs be heard.

"What happened to her?" He knew there was no way he could ask Theo and not panic. There was no way he could just waltz in and make her remember about every gruesome day there was that he found it fitting to ask Eric instead.

"It started when she's in stage two. There were already clear symptoms that she didn't know how to tell you. She lost weight very rapidly along the way and managed to lose half her hair by the six month period in therapy. I—I could tell you everything but it was too much, Luke. Maybe even more, that I could personally see the reason why she lied to you."

"Why?"

"It took up all our days. Twenty four seven of making sure she's still breathing. Of making sure her heart beat stays calm every thirty minutes, of holding her whenever she's too weak to throw up. Blood samples were taken every week, she was pale, she had nothing else to hold on to other than the photo of you together. It was going to ruin your career one way or another—"

"Do I look like I care about that?! More than her?! Theo was—" He sighed, he couldn't bring himself to say much or he'll burst. Break down and cry hard with the thought of it. The thought of everything that happened to her. "Eric, I wasn't there. I wasn't there to make her feel better. I wasn't there. And that hurts more than anything else. Knowing I was probably somewhere drunk hating her all while—all while she was in pain. While she was suffering."

"Luke, stop blaming yourself over it—"

"I hated her. And I hurted her so much these past few weeks. I told her I wished I—never met her. Not knowing it. Not knowing everything!"

"Does it matter?" Eric suddenly said. Making him stop for a moment.

"What?"

"Does it matter now? Does it still matter than you weren't able to do the things you could have done. That you regret hating her for years, that you could've changed things. Does it?"

"I don't—"

"Luke. My sister is there with you right at this moment. The only reason she wanted to live was to see you again! And she's there, isn't she? So? Does the past still matter if you could change everything in the future now?"

"Eric—"

"No, Hemmings. You listen to me. I know it's unfair. I know it hurts. We all wished we could've done things differently for her. But there's no point living in the past, no point in regretting anymore because she's still here. All you gotta do is reach out, man."

"Luke! Luke are you there?" Kyle yelled from outside. Something in his tone compelled him to say goodbye hastily and wipe his tears as he rush to door. Opening it wide only to see the man, a phone on his ear all while looking at him worriedly. "She left to get a drink. She said she'll be back by 2 but—it's already past 3 and—Luke, I've been everywhere! I can't find Theo."

*・。*゜・。・o゜・。*゜・。・o*゜・。・o*

let me say it for ya'll
"don't u dare!"
"stop it, trish!"