Ayda Blackburn : The Deviants

The next Morning, I woke up with a knock on my bedroom door. My curtains billowed in the draft that escaped from my window. I rubbed my eyelids and crawled out of my bed, approaching the door and turning my brass knob, with my white oversized nightie trailing behind me. I looked up sleepily and there were my two parents, standing in the doorway with their arms around each other. They had told me that I would be going to school next week, I didn't know whether I was supposed to be excited or not. For a moment in time I felt disconnected, I felt as if someone was wrapping their bare fingers around my throat and the gripping of my stomach, my head was pounding and thoughts were whirling in my head. My parents exchanged breif looks and all I wanted to do was get back into bed and hide under the covers. A rush of anxiety is what it was. Just thinking of how I would approach the other students and what they would think of me made me extremely conscious, I don't think anyone would want to be friends with the likes of me. Having been educated at home throughout my whole life, I didn't have a lot of knowledge or experience of the outside world. Just small, basic socialization would be difficult without being too awkward and feeling rushes of apprehension. My parents feared the inequality that I would have to face from those around me and the impact it would have, and yet now I am to be enrolled at my local school. It was overwhelming. I felt annoyed and slightly pressured not having much choice in the matter as it seemed, but thinking about it, if the choice came, I would have said no. Though I longed to have friends, to not feel so alone and to fit in like a piece in this jigsaw world..I'm not the fitting-in type.

''School..?'' I said, ''...Do I get any say in this..how do you know I'm ready?'' I stood, eyes wide open, shaking my head slowly and letting these words fall out of my mouth. My hair tied messily, slowly began to unfold and my eyes still tired, felt weary.

My father opened his mouth and then closed it again.

There was a short silence. Then my mother had simply said that I deserved a better education.  I needed to face reality, I may be different but I can't hide myself from the world because of it. So..I guess, school it was. I'd have to put on some shades, let my mum take me into town, pick up some new outfits, perhaps buy some more stationary and a good enough looking backpack and I would have to walk in, quite honestly not knowing what to expect, having no experience of high school. Although I wasn't emotionally prepared, I knew my sister would pick up the pieces when I'd feel myself breaking.

~

My parents showed more kindness as the long days past, frequently telling me that I'd be just fine at school and people would learn to accept me..I guess like they did as to I. Around the afternoon, I was ready to drive into town with my mother and Marie. As we arrived in the town square, my mother was greeted by folks passing by as she often stopped to chat with distant friends while Marie and I strolled off and popped into stores. I normally kept to myself when it came to meeting new people, which added to the many reasons of why I was incapable of making acquaintances with strangers. The clothing stores weren't as big but they had decent clothes. I picked up a few pairs of jeans, a couple of tank tops,  got some new sneakers and a pretty ordinary flower embroidered backpack - and some dull stationary. I thought about buying contacts but the last time I tried wearing them they just irritated my eyes, making my eyesight worse. On the drive home, it was pretty quiet but Marie talked about high school, she filled me in with all the latest gossip and I laughed at the stories she told me about her and the  school life she lead..though towards the end of the ride the mood no longer remained a happy one. She suggested we pretend we didn't know each other - it seemed she had a reputation to keep. Turns out I was alone in this after all.

When we arrived back at the house, I stepped out of the car and strolled off into the never-ending fields of grass, that stretched out before my home, I had zoned out completely. I took a glance over at my mother and sister who walked into the house, clutching the brown grocery bags and other shopping and continued to walk further into the meadow. I laid back, letting my long, dark hair fall past my shoulders. I closed my eyes and let the shafts of sunlight stroke my pale skin as I let the flowers cushion my body.

I convinced myself not to dwell on the thoughts that lingered around school and let myself sink into my own imaginary world, where everything was perfect and I travelled from place to place, living a dream..Then I heard my mother's voice, calling me to come inside because dinner was served.

*

After the meal, I thanked my mother and sister for taking me out, bid goodnight to everyone and walked up to my room. Sitting on my bed opposite me, was my bags of shopping which I started to slowly unfold and hang up in my white, vintage wardrobe. While I stood unfolding, at the corner of my eye, I could see a figure outside, looking up at my window. I dropped my clothes and jumped up onto my bed, opening the window as wide as it possibly could go, which wasn't very far, and scanned all the land I could see. It was getting darker by the minute and the night opened up like a whale's jaw, a deep blue chasm, hence It was difficult to see. Perhaps I had looked too late because the mysterious figure was clearly nowhere to be seen. Then again, It could have just been an illusion. The night does tend to play tricks with the mind. I shut my window and fell back onto my bed, sinking into my fluffy pillow and found myself questioning who the strange silhouette was and whether I had imagined it. I guess a lot was on my mind.