Finding Life Again

During the following days, Kai's thoughts kept returning to Noah, specifically to their conversation in the woods. They had known each other all their lives, and yet Kai had never seen him so broken. He was genuinely afraid of losing him. If he lost Noah, then he would have no one left. That thought, though, never crossed his mind before.

It was then by the lake that Noah yelled at him for the first time in months. He was always considerate and cautious while handling him, but everyone had their limits in patience. Kai knew that, and he could feel its edge.

For a split second, Kai thought of being left behind on the side of the road, Noah driving away without looking back. He knew that he needed to do something but wasn't sure what and how.

He got up from the sofa where criminal TV series played on the screen to look around for his phone. He felt the need to make sure that they were on speaking terms to keep a clear mind. Kai felt uncomfortable knowing that someone was angry with him. Especially when it was the only person who had been solid in his life, so he picked Noah's number and called him. A few signals passed before he heard Noah's voice.

"Can you talk now?" Kai returned to the living room and paused next to the couch.

"Sure. What's up?" Noah's voice sounded stressed, struck of guilt lingered in his chest hearing it.

"I've been thinking about what you said, and I'm sorry... for everything."

"Oh. It's fine. I guess there is nothing really to be sorry about in the first place. I hope you are feeling better?" He sighed loudly enough for Kai to hear it. "You looked pale when I dropped you off."

"Yeah, I'm okay." There was a long awkward silence after he said it. He felt his heart hammering against his ribs.

"Noah?" He sounded a bit more desperate than he would like to admit.

"Yes?" There was no emotion in his voice, and Kai felt disappointed. Another long silence followed.

"Oh my god, this conversation is too suffocating." Noah snapped. "Why did you call me in the first place? To merely say sorry? How about later? Will it be the same?"

"I... What would you want me to change? I can't..." Kai shakily said, feeling his hands tremble.

"That's a rich question coming from you. You should apprehend that well by now."

"I know that you are tired and angry at me, but I have only you. I don't want to argue, but I need you to understand that I can't change from one day to another." There was a long pause before he continued. This time the silence was comfortable. "You are my family Noah, you always were."

"You hate arguments, but it always works with you." He laughed. "You are dealing with some stuff, and I understand that, but it's pissing me off when you shut me out. There is no logic in that. You should lean on me more." He continued after pausing to take a deep breath. "If I'm the only person you are afraid to lose, then why are you pushing me away?"

"I'm lost. Besides, I think I just overreacted a bit. I can't believe you argued with me to make me talk to you." Kai chuckled to himself, trying to hide his embarrassment behind his palm. "I have no idea how it came to this. I remember how we sat on the bench in the campus park chatting about our classes. It feels like it was only yesterday. We also talked about our plans, dreams and future. I feel different now. Like it was someone else talking instead." His voice lowered as he got lost in his memories.

"I never expected this either, yet I kind of understand." Kai jerked up in his sit. Forgetting for a moment that he was on the phone. "All your life, you wanted to impress your parents. When you gave up on that stupid mission of yours, then with what were you left? You need to learn to live for yourself, Kai." Kai reminded silent, and Noah continued. "Your parents are horrible, and they never cared. I can't understand why you have listened to them and tried so hard to get their attention. Have you ever thought about yourself? What do you want to do?"