Perfect Doesn't Last Forever

Chapter Four

            “I didn’t sacrifice my family.  I hoped that you would understand my motives for wanting more freedom.  You had all the freedom you could ask for last year for your first year of college.  You barely even saw Hayley last year.  Why are you allowed to get away with that and not me?  Why do the dads get off so easily?”  I was so done with this conversation.  It was times like this when I knew I made the right decision breaking up with Damien.  What if we did get married and we started fighting like this?  What was I supposed to do then?  I would have been stuck.

            I quickly grabbed my purse and proceeded to go back in the house, not wanting to fight anymore, but Damien wouldn’t allow it.  He forcefully grabbed my upper arm and pulled me back, our bodies colliding together.  “I’m not done talking!” he growled through his teeth. 

            “Let go of me,” I warned him, trying to yank my arm out of his hand, but he wouldn’t let go.  “Damien…” I looked up at him, my eyes pleading him to release my arm, but he was gone.  His eyes were intense and filled with rage and he wasn’t the Damien I’d come to know the past few months or the one that I met, he was someone else.  And I was so scared that I couldn’t do anything except helplessly punch his chest until he let go a minute or two later. 

            “I’m so sorry,” he breathed, backing away from me.  His temper was gone and the monster within him disappeared.  I was so shaken, I couldn’t move.  I was so confused and afraid of the guy Damien became just now.  I’d never seen him so violent and forceful and I knew that I should be terrified, and I was in that moment, but all I could think of to do was to walk towards him. 

            “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,” I repeated over and over again, trying to calm him down.  I raised my hand to caress his face, but was surprised at the pain that was spreading through my arm.  Damien winced at my pain and backed further away from me, his eyes locked with mine, pleading me to forgive him.  “Damien, everything is fine,” I assured him, careful not to raise my arm again.  I kept walking towards him and slowly but surely, I got closer to him. 

            “Damien, it’s not that I don’t want us to be a family, it is just that I think we need to move slower.  Baby steps.”  I wanted a lot of things.  I wanted to be able to have a normal college life, but that wasn’t going to happen.  Yes, I wanted more freedom, but I also wanted a family for Hayley.  There was just way too much going on in my life and everything was moving so fast.  I needed to slow down and Hayley’s arrival two years ago pushed my life plan ten years ahead. 

            He nodded, “baby steps,” and pulled me tightly against him for a hug.  He was breathing heavily and his breath was hot against my skin, but I could feel him relaxing against me just as I felt myself relax into his arms.  It was like we were finding our way back to each other, but it was one small move he made, resting his forehead against mine, that ruined the moment. 

            “No, we can’t do that,” I whispered, wiggling out of his arms.  “We need to just be parents first before we think about taking things any further.”  If we got back together, I knew we would just fight and break up again.  That wasn’t stable and I wasn’t going to sacrifice Noah for a perfect family. 

            “Why?  Are you with someone?”

            Should I tell him?  Would it make things better if I just told him so he wouldn’t expect that we would get back together?  But was it worth risking Damien reverting back to his anger and resentment?  “No,” I said, shaking my head, “I’m not with anyone.” I wasn’t ready for him to know.  And he wasn’t ready to know either.