MY SECRET ADMIRER ? (aka addict)

I think I messed it up

Monica pov:

When he said those words infront of everyone , I couldn't take it. like what we talked that night was nothing to him and he just found me bothering him and annoying.

I felt like all the clouds in me started raining at a time.

I am not weeping because of RM sshi. he did nothing actually. I am crying because of me. How annoying I could be, To him to talk like that.

What if he thought I just needed someone like him to fill the empty parts of my life. That's the only thing that's bothering me more right now.

At terrace when I was trying to console myself. Thinking why RM sshi talked like that. And why is he so angry and why he hugs me every time.
I felt like I found someone like Hunnie but no I guess. I should let go of everything that doesn't work for my mental health, I might get PhD in overthinking if I don't stop now.

Actually nothing in this world is promised me to stay or belonged to me. Isn't it?

To heal you have to get the root up not by sharing with people. That's what I was doing all this time untill I met RM sshi in person.

Whenever I shut the door behind me I always wait for that whishper you might say like "stay". But not now. I don't want to let anyone know me.

"Luck- Lucky iam...iam really sorry. I heard someone stuttering while hugging me tightly from back. And just by the voice I know who it is but what exactly is he thinking now coming and hugging me."

"Namjoon sshi please. Don't hug me again, please don't cross the line ever again. I don't like people hugging me. I said freeing myself from him.The last thing I want now is that not to show him that I'm crying because of him."

"I- I am really sorry I didn't mean anything I said. he said wiping away my tears. Still being just inches away from me."

Have you ever felt like you are extremely angry with that person but at the same time you just wanna hug that person tightly and cry!?

The effect he had on me scared the hell out of me.

"W-Why Namjoon sshi one minute you are being angry with me and another minute you are being nice to me. When you said I can lean on you and talk to you freely about anything running on my mind. I thought you meant it. Maybe I am wrong, and i truly am dying right now because of your actions. I said stuttering a bit. You prooved me again that I should not open up with anyone again I added."

"I went beserk. I myself don't know what I have done but my affection was true so was my anger I couldn't handle seeing you in somebody else's arms. I am attracted to you in a ways I can't explain. I am really sorry Lucky I can't see you cry like this. I just realised how much you mean to me. I am so sorry Namjoon sshi said. Still holding me."

I closed my eyes stopping furthermore tears and I don't wanna witness his sincere expression in his eyes I might get fooled again.

"Namjoon sshi can you please leave me. I still admire you as a person and idol. I am really sorry for annoying you and because of someone like me the relationship between you guys should never be disturbed so I will try my best to not show you my face again I said running away from there."

"Monica didn't you get what I just said. Are you avoiding me again, he yelled. But I was already at the exit and I couldn't hear him anymore."

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••