Melancholia

25th of April, 2014 - 9:44pm

Nothing felt right. Nothing felt wrong. Nor was anything balanced, the world was spinning all around me.

There was a soft hum somewhere in the distance that left my eardrums tingling as I walked down the road, feeling feisty, yet cool.

My body felt numb.

Not cold, not warm, I didn't know how to explain it. It just felt how it felt. It was merely how it was.

I could feel people's gazes burning holes in my skin as the glared from behind me, staring at me as I walked past them. But it didn't faze me much.

I was looking ahead, the whizz of the bright lights and powdered nostrils only a fading memory.

There was no light as far as I could see except for perhaps the moon, but in that moment, everything felt so unreal. It was like a hallucination, I didn't know whether it was happening or whether I was simply just going crazy. My bet was on the latter.

Sighing, I finally had the courage to lay down on the middle of the road. The asphalt felt bumpy and rough, rough enough to feel through all this numbness, though not rough enough to hurt.

I was gazing up at the stars, until I felt myself being lifted up into the air.

I was scared.

I didn't know what to do, didn't know what this was, but I didn't have enough time to think.

I was a star, I was hot and burning and slowly beginning to scorch and pop like a magnificent supernova.

I was about to combust. So I screamed.

I couldn't feel my lungs at all, nor did I even think I had them. I screamed so loud, I swear the Earth a million miles away from me shook. Though I felt the shake as if I was there, when I really wasn't. Or so I thought I wasn't.

Everything was coruscating, I was incandescing. I was in flames, it didn't hurt, I couldn't feel it at all. In fact, it felt almost a little too good.

I erupted in an explosion of different colours.

I could hear screams. I could hear blaring sirens.

What was that all about?

Suddenly, I began falling, falling fast back down to Earth.

It was awful.

The pit of my stomach emptied out.

There was no bliss, no goodness, no appreciation of creation within destruction left inside of me. Everything was slowly oozing out of me, drizzling out of my pores, the air around me soaking it up.

I could hear myself mumbling, "This is all a dream," as the sound of sirens got unbearably loud.

Beneath me, the ground was slowly moving, like I was being carried away. I wondered if I was dead. I really hoped so, because a little taste of another realm had really got me longing to go back for another lick.

I wanted to eat the stars. I want to be the stars.

I wanted to be a beautiful, burning supernova, distinguishing my territory within this vast universe, instead of being an insect of a human.

I felt myself floating away down a stream of water.

Water.

Fresh water.

Tears.

I could hear them. I could feel them. I could feel myself swimming in them, drowning in them, in fact. Shrieks and petrified screams drilled through my mind and soul. The ringing in my ear intensified as it started again.

I had no clue as to where I was or what was happening, but as I rubbed my eyes and opened them again, I realized I had never become a star. In fact, I hadn't even left the party, but I swear I could remember it all vividly.

Gulping, I looked around frankly and told myself that if it was real then the universe should send me a sign.

And, of course, it did.

That's when I dropped to the middle of the dance floor and passed out for four days, waking up in a hospital room and not my bed.

Time went by so fast. I felt crazy.

"I don't want to be alive," I murmured as someone handed me flowers. Someone. No one important.

No one I knew really cared.

"What?" They asked.

"Nothing," I slurred out before I fell asleep again, wishing I was really dead.

Wishing I could once again become a supernova.