Random x Male Reader

tw: panic attack, difficulty eating (kinda?)

It couldn't be so hard, could it? Just let Jake rant on about Die Hard. Usually you loved that. The way his eyes lit up and damn it- he just gets so excited everytime. And that just gave you an excuse to look smitten.
Not right now though.

You tried to swallow past the urge to throw up. Too many smells in here, too many people. People who made noise, people who scratched with their knives over plates and who shouted and who seemed way too close, people who looked at you and people who would notice and people who had opinions on you and-

"Hey", Jake had interrupted himself. Great, just great.
You had promised him a date after ages of overworking- both of you this time- and even that you couldn't do for him. He folded his napkin in his lap and reached over the table, going for your hand, but then thought better of it.
"Hey, are you alright?"

When you didn't answer right away he cautiously asked, "Is it alright if I touch you?"

You weren't sure. But it was Jake, Jake was safe, so you nodded.
He gently put his hand over yours, squeezing it a bit once he saw you weren't gonna freak out over it.
And fuck, yeah. That was better. It grounded you, a bit at least.
Jake was still looking directly at you, not breaking eye contact. Gave you something to focus on.

"What's going on?", he asked again. Those fucking concerned and stupidly earnest eyes were gonna be the death of you some day.

Your chest felt way too tight. You felt trapped, which didn't make sense, there was so much space around you and yet- was your hand shaking, trembling even though Jake held on tight?

"Nothing", you tried for a smile, "really, I'm fine."
Again, you tried to swallow around the urge to throw up the two or three spoons of soup you'd had during the last hour. This was one of your favorite places to eat, usually. It just didn't appeal to you today, for some reason.
"So what were you saying about Die Hard-ing off a roof?"
Just breathe. It'll pass. The light will stop being so goddamn bright and you'll be able to tune out all that noise again and it'll stop being so suffocatingly hot in here and you'll be fine. It's gonna be fine.

Jake looked at you for a long moment and then pulled out his wallet.
"Yeah, alright. Not buying that. We're getting out of here."

Your grip on your spoon tightened involuntarily, because this was supposed to be a nice evening, just for the two of you. But you couldn't help the relieved sigh when the waiter finally came over so Jake could pay and you could just get the fuck out of that place.

"Do you wanna go to the bathroom first, calm down...?", he trailed off. This didn't exactly happen often, so he still wasn't sure how to handle it.

"No", your voice broke, "just. Out, please."

"Of course", he immediately replied, voice so full of sympathy you might actually just vomit now.

Jake took your jacket and then grabbed your hand, leading you out into the chilly evening air.

"Fuck", you breathed, because that was so much better already.

Smoothly he guided you through the few pedestrians who went out for a walk in the crisp January air and sat you down on some bench.

"Okay. So. Just to be sure what's happening, this is a panic attack right?"
You squeezed your eyes together, humiliation for needing his help flooding through your veins, but nodded anyways. Only when he laid a gentle hand on your knee you noticed you'd been bouncing nervously.
"Alright. Let's just breathe for a second then. I promise you it's gonna get better, alright? Just listen to my voice and take a breath."

You barely trusted anyone like you trusted him, so you followed his instructions and breathed. You weren't sure for how long you sat there and breathed, but eventually you stopped feeling so fucking nauseous and sweaty all over.
Jake seemed to realize you were catching up with your surroundings again and stopped giving you a fucking guide on how to breathe. God, how pathetic.

"Better?", and again, he just sounded so genuinely concerned about you it overwhelmed you all over again.

"Yeah. Er. Thanks."
Jake slumped back against the backrest and exhaled. He never let go of your hand though, still squeezing it and rubbing soothing circles over your palm.

"So, when'd you learn all that meditation-guiding-app stuff?", you teased and grinned at him.

But his expression was still so damn fond and tender, your attitude faltered quickly.
"I dunno. Couldn't sleep a while back and did some research on what could help", he deliberately kept from looking at you, instead taking a great interest in the Brooklyn night life and that just gave you the rest.

"God, I love you", you blurted, making him snap his head towards you in surprise.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. That's way too soon, isn't it? Blame it on my panic attack, it's fine, won't-", you were rambling now.

Jake's expression went all affectionate again and he had that stupid smile on. The one that felt private and only you ever got to see.

"I love you, too."
And somehow that just made sense and not even your stupid brain had anything to object.
The kiss wasn't anywhere near heated or demanding. Just a tender brush of lips and for the lack of a less cheesy word- perfect.






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also just wanted to thank y'all for the good luck wishes on my last chapter. didn't exactly go how either the hospital nor i planned (like. at all. wouldn't recommend that experience lol) but uh... i'll be fine. so thanks again for being so supportive :)