The next morning was just painful. No one wanted y/n to leave and when they did it was with Wilbur shuffling up to them mumbling a very half assed and a very forced apology that they took simply because they were too tired to care. Tommy yeled at y/n to take care of tubbo and technoblade left them with a head pat and a small smile. That's the only thing that made y/n actually leave. Their hearts warmed by the small gesture. Even if they felt bad.
They might have. Sort of. Let technoblade run away from his emotions. He had ended up snatching the book out of y/n hands and rushed off on his horse with a mumbled apology. y/n let him., and the awkward stares and tension between the two was enough for y/n to almsot be glad to go back to the hell hole that was manburg. Which yes. They knew they needed to talk to technoblade but they were just too anxious.
They didn't understand their feelings in all reality. Whether or not they truly felt some sort of love wasn't clear to them at the moment. Their feelings were bungled and the current opentent and mission they had at hand was enough to keep pushing down the emotions.
Not all was gloomy though. Technoblade had left a note in their bag stating that it was okay for they didn't feel the same. He wanted them to focus on the mission. And not to get killed. And y/n took it to heart. They were going to head back only to protect tubbo and only that and then leave. Hopefully go back with technoblade to their home and atuallywork out their emotions instead of turning them off like a switch and a light. Now that. Was a plan they could get behind.
When they did get back. It was hell. Tubbo was frantically running around trying to ease schlatt. Schlatt was yelling on the top of his lungs to find Taylor because they were not in sight. Quality looked like he was either gonna have a break down or shoot the man. Nikki was worried out of her poor mind. The rest of the lmanburgians just wanted Schlatt to be quiet and for Tubbo to stop crying.
It was hell. And the second 'taylor'(y/n as we all know) walked in and everyone stopped and practically tackled them. Tubbo actually tackled them, quakity speaking very loud and mad spanish at them and then schlatt threw a beer bottle at them. And the technoblade who was hiding in the bushes not too far behind had almost dared blow his cover just to slit the man's throat.
"Where the FUCK were you doll" schlatt said as he tried to act like he never got angry.
"I decided to go out last night and search for the lost ones. Just To help ease Tubbos job. I got lost and had to sleep in a field for the night. One of the dream smp members helped me back. They only just dropped me off." y/n said their mind thinking on the fly.
"You did this without my permission. Why?"
"I thought it would be nice if I brought their heads back for you. After all, I really dont think a child should be killing anyone." y/n spoke defiantly.
"That's not your call to make."
"Well i'm sorry. I wont do it again."
"Good. now fetch me another beer and go clean up the rest of the town. The festival is tomorrow. And i also need you to send out all the letters with your stupid raven messenger."
"As you wish" y/n had nodded with a little bow before turning on their heels and marching through the town towards the white house to grab schlatt his next beer. Stupid ram horned btich. Who the fu-
"TAYLOR" some sweet voice had called. y/n looked over to see nikki, tears streaming down her face as she ran forward a worried looking eret following close behind. y/n wasn't pleased to see erect as much as they were to see nicki but they weren't going to dwell on that at the moment. Instead they opened their arms as Nikki jumped into them.
"WHERE WERE YOU?? YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH" nikki had raised her voice partially. Not enough to yell. But enough to show how is just afraid they are. y/n patted nikkis back and waited for her tears to dry as eret stood awkwardly to the side.
y/n sighed before smiling and opening their arm to him as well.. To which he looked surprised but stepped forward and hugged the two of them too. The hug was warm and embraced for a few moments before Nikki finally stopped hiccuping and stepped back, rubbing their face.
"I'm sorry nikki. And eret too i guess" y/n laughed at the last part of theri speech. A bright smile on their face as they apologized. Nikki smiled and nodded before eret had handed mushi a beer,
"here. For the "president" we guessed he wanted one" eret spoke frowning when he spoke about schlatt.
y/n smiled and nodded while taking the beer before looking back. "Thank you Eret, by the way we should talk later. To catch uphaha. Wait shit, I should head off. After I give this to him I have to go to a clean town." y/n sighed and looked back at them a wave in their hand. They smiled and waved y/n off.
the day had been long and tiring. but finnaly the town was ready. invatations had been sent to everyone but wilbur and tommy. people had sent letters back already, y/n had tried out all of the games to make sure they were in top shape. nikki had finnaly finished baking with the help of eret. and of course. y/n had taken one last round of everything they needed, and mayeb sabatoged some of the things that were wupposdly going to be used tomorrow for the excution. y/n didnt know who was going to do it, since neither quakity nor schlatt seemed to be to to excited for it. and they hadnt warned y/n. so it cofnused them on that level but everyhting else was ready. so nowthey were relaxing.
y/n could be found on top of the podium that night. The podium was high, higher than most things with it being so far up someone could easily die if they fell off. They were sitting on the edge swinging their legs back and forth staring out into the night sky.
"Whatchya thinking about" some voice sounded behind y/n. They looked behind them to see quakity approaching behind them a small smile on his face.
"Home. or well. My old home." y/n spoke quickly fixing their mistake.
"Ah, did you have a special someone back there?" quality asked looking at y/n with a sheepish smile. It Was obvious he wasn't hitting on them, just curious. Wanting to know more about y/n possibly.
"I-" y/n stopped themself and looked at their feet. "I dont know." They spoke quietly, their voices cracking partially. Quakity laid a hand on their shoulder and nodded for them to go on.
"And it sucks that I don't know because I hate it. I hate not knowing what I'm not doing anymore. I hate not having a plan. Some sort of plan in life. And right now I'm just reaching into the dark hoping to not step into a bottomless pit. And this person. They're so so amazing. I love them. But... i don't know if i love them that way.... I don't think ive ever felt that love before. I hardly believe in the subject."
"You don't believe in love?"
"Parents were bullshit. That's a long story but in the end they were really toxic, they told me i dont know what love feels like. and i was constantly battling with the idea of if they truly loved me... at one point i thought i loved someone but i stood back and looked at myself and couldn't decide if i even know if i was feeling anything." y/n whispered softly their voice cracking as they held back a sob.
"Well. when you look at tubbo what do you feel" quality spoke, like he was tryiong to fix their conundrum
"Empty. Maybe a little protective."
"When you look at nikki what do you feel?"
"Empty. But sometimes she makes me happy."
"When you look at me what do you feel?"
"...empty.... Sorry, i dont know you well."
"Its fine man, i get it. Im only helping you because schlatt was mad at me and i found you here in all honesty. But besides that, When you look at schlatt what do you feel"
"Sometimes angry with him. Other times just empty"
"How about your old ruler. The person you used to knight for?"
"E-" y/n stopped again. They suddenly felt confused thinking back to when they were traveling to the antarctic. When they were in the boat and y/n clasped technos hand under thiers and led it on top of a killer whale's back. back to what they felt the night before when technoblade had confessed. "I don't know..." they finally spoke a conflicted emotion in their chest.
"Explain the feeling" quality spoke. This was odd for him to be speaking so softly. To be helping. But y/n decided to push it off.
"Its... weird.... I have this weird feeling in my chest where it hardens when I get anxious. And then my stomach feels all tight like you just ate a really big meal. I can't really think and I'm sloppy with how I move. When i first met him i was scared and put off- it's a long story don't ask- but after a while. After the conversations we shared. It felt. Different. I wasn't empty. But i've never felt the emotion before."
Quality chuckled softly pating y/n's back. "Alright. Think about it. What emotion have you never felt?"
"Love?"
"Mhmmmm"
y/n stopped. They Stared at their lap. Then it hit them. Like a boulder and they nearly fell off the podium. Because suddenly it felt like the puzzle pieces fell in place. Like this little conversation the two shared was something incomparable to most others. Like they had finally read the page when they healed technoblade... wait. Mr.blade.... No.... they're the same people...
Yn stood up quickly. They had never ran so quickly off a podium, their feet tripping them as they headed down the ladder. Quality was laughing in the back of the stadium leaning back with a small smile on his face. But y/n wasn't paying attention. They were running. Quicker then they ever had before. They had to find a way to show their reciprocation of their emotions. But how?
"You're welcome... y/n"
(1791 words :> okay so. i will be posting the link to a spotify playlist i made for the story in the comments soon after i post this. i apologize for the late upload ive been focusing on school work and actually doing the playlist. speaking of which again, just a fair warning a few of the songs have spoilers :"> like. their theme and stuff comes for upcoming stuff. soooo yeah. be aware and dont look into the songs that havent related into a specific moment toooo much ahehehehehe. anyways i love yall <3 you should all sleep eat drink and remember to let go of the bad and remember the good from it <3)