TW: This chapter contains talk of suicide and suicide attempts, and it will have explicit details about said subject. If this is something that will trigger you please do not read further. I put a small summary at the bottom that doesn't have details, and it is all you need to know for future chapters if you don't want to read the details. It begins when I put a * and ends at the other *.
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After finding out what Bryce did to Atlas, I've been paranoid out of my mind, basically.
I'm always scared that if I'm not there somethings gonna happen to her, and it did. She was pushed into a goddamn janitors closet of all places and he tried to hurt her. So I hurt him.
Whenever I got him outside I immediately texted Eli, knowing he'd want in on this. When he walks outside and Atlas was safely inside the school, Eli punched him a few times, but nothing enough to knock him out.
Then we both threatened him. We basically told him that if he ever went near Atlas, Leah, or any of us for that matter, we would kill him. I meant it too.
Bryce may be a big guy but he's actually just an airhead jock that talks to fucking much. He was visibly nervous around Me and Eli, and when we threatened him he agreed without any hesitation. He said he was moving schools anyways and promised not bother her again.
I know Atlas was upset I didn't tell her everything about what happened but she doesn't need to know. He tried to hurt her. That's enough reason for him to be dead in my mind, but for her, I left him living.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I wake up on Tuesday, Atlas is lying on top of me and my arms are wrapped around her waist, my own hands interlocked underneath her stomach. How the hell did we get in this position.
I move around slightly, trying to get her off of me but nothing works. I pull my arms out from under her and push her off of me, her somehow staying asleep when I do.
I shake my head and go brush my teeth in her bathroom, Her sitting up on her bed when I come back.
"Good morning darling." I say, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
"Mm" she responds, lying back on her bed and pulling the covers over her head.
I laugh and walk out to get dressed.
I get dressed and fix my hair, a few minutes later I go and grab Athena out of Her and Paige's room, her still fast asleep. I lay her in my arms as I make my way down the stairs.
Leah is already down here, Zach has already left as well as Eli and Paige. I sigh into the fridge as I grab a bottle of apple juice and pour some into a cup, chugging it down.
I take a granola bar from the cabinet and tear it open, eating all of it very quickly.
I hear Atlas walking down the stairs and I grab my bag from beside the front door and pick up Athena, who's rubbing her eyes tiredly.
"Hi love, Eat something before you go okay?"
I've been noticing she isn't eating as much recently.
She nods her head and tells me goodbye.
I give her a look and continue to walk out of the door with Athena in my arms, kissing Atlas softly before I go.
I take Athena to daycare and then head to school.
I pull up into the parking lot and I run my eyes across it looking for any sign of Bryce's car, which I don't see. I pull into a parking spot and get out of my car, leaning up against the doors of the school when I get up there.
I'm always pretty early to school so I just sit out here. I smile as I see Leah and Atlas pull into the parking lot and park in the spot across from my car.
As Atlas walks up to the door she notices me on the ground and rolls her eyes playfully.
"What are you doing?" She asks.
"Sitting." I respond.
She laughs and holds out her hand, I take it and pull myself up, steadying myself with her shoulders. Leah walks up to us and we all walk inside together.
I walk to Atlas locker with her, needing to make sure that no one is fucking bothering her. Sarah doesn't get taken off suspension until next week, and no one else has really bothered us except for Bryce, but I know he's not a problem.
As she stuffs her bags inside her locker I see her turn around, looking towards the office and her eyes widen and she smiles.
I look up and see a familiar girl standing in front of our principal. Hannah, we met her at Leah's volleyball game.
"What's she doing here?" I ask atlas
"I don't know, maybe Leah knows?" She says and I nod.
"Hey Leah whys Hannah here?" She asks gesturing to the office doors
"I don't know." Leah shrugs.
Me and Atlas go to our first class and begin working on an assignment when the door opens and the teacher looks up. Me and Atlas both turn around and Hannah's standing in the doorway.
"Oh, you must be Hannah Lin?" The teacher asks and she nods.
The teacher asks to her to the front and when she notices me and Atlas she smiles and waves.
The teacher introduces Hannah to the class and seats her behind me and Atlas.
"I didn't know you were transferring here?" Atlas whispers to Hannah when she sits down.
"I wasn't supposed to be but my dad found a better job and it was too far, so we had to move houses and this school is closer." She explains and looks down to her paper.
Me and atlas both mutter quiet "oh okays" in understanding and finish our work.
"Can Hannah sit with us at lunch?" Atlas asks me before class ends
"Of course, you don't have to ask to sit with your friends love." I say to her, I don't want to control her. She can sits with whoever she wants too.
"I know, I just know Kai and James don't know her."
"It doesn't matter, she can sit with us." I say.
"Okay. Hey Hannah!" She runs off towards Hannah and I laugh. She's so cute.
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At lunch Hannah, Leah, and Atlas are already seated when me, James, and Kai get there.
Kai immediately notices Hannah and calls her hot or something like that. I don't know I wasn't really paying attention to him. Kai respects women but he's definitely a... player of sorts. He sleeps with any girl that looks at him, basically, is what I'm getting at.
When we sit down Leah introduces Hannah To Kai and James and Kai and Hannah spark conversation between the table. We mainly talk about volleyball, as well as homecoming.
I'm gonna ask Atlas, obviously. James wants to ask Leah to homecoming and possibly make it official that night. I really do think they're good for each other.
During my other classes, I took 3 tests and got assigned like 50 homework assignments. I do really well in school but that doesn't mean I like it. I hate the people, I hate the workload, I hate the teachers, I basically hate everything about it.
~~~~~~~~~~
When I get home I sit on the couch, Leah and Atlas went over to Hannah's for a sleepover so I'm lonely. Most of the time after school me and Atlas work on homework together and then watch movies.
I knock and Paiges door and she opens it. I ask for my sister and she hands her to me.
"Hi baby!" I say excitedly to Athena. I haven't seen her as much since we moved in with Atlas's family because most of the time Paige is watching her, but Paige is 14 and she needs a break sometimes too.
She giggles as I put her on my back and walk down the spiral staircase and lightly toss her on the couch.
"Wanna go shopping?" I ask her. She needs new clothes. I've bought Athena's clothes pretty much ever since she was born because my parents were always too busy or drunk to care.
She's older now so I don't have to buy her as much because she doesn't out grow out of it as fast, she needs some stuff though.
"Ya!" She says happily. I grab my keys off the counter and put her in my car, we drive to the nearest mall and we walk through to this store that I always buy her clothes at. I don't even know what it's called.
I get her a few t-shirts and shorts, I also get her a tiny pair of converse because I can. There's really no other reason.
I go into a few other stores and buy me a few things as well. Most of my sweatshirts are gone because Atlas takes them, not that I mind.
I get me and Athena some food and we leave the mall, Athena getting a bit fussy before we leave. She's really an amazing kid and she's been through way to much. I wish so badly that I could've shielded it from her better, the abuse.
Most of the time I don't think about my parents anymore. It's been a little over 2 months since I started staying with Atlas, and most of the time I forget.
But times like this, Athena sleeping in the back of my car, silence filling the air, I can't help but remember.
It used to destroy me, silence I mean. Whenever I was a kid, my parents argued every single day, 24/7. Silence was scary.
I got used to the yelling and the crashing of glass on the floor. When it was silent, it meant something was wrong.
I'm used to the quiet now, it barely bothers me anymore. But when I do think of them, it's always the worst memories.
I don't really have any good memories of my parents, but some are better than others. I have nightmares too, about the abuse, about Athena getting hurt, and about the suicides attempts I've been through.
I haven't relapsed in 3 years. When I was 14 was the last time I attempted. I hate thinking about that one.
The others happened before Athena was born, when I was 11 and 12. I never succeeded, never even came close. But that time when I was 14, I almost died, truly.
I haven't told anyone about it. James knows about the few I had in middle school, but I kept that one secret. The only person I've ever came close to telling is Atlas but I don't want to scare her away. I'm just hoping one day she doesn't realize I have too much baggage and walk away.
I still struggle with suicidal thoughts. Heavily. But it's just never been an option.
I'm pulled out of my thoughts as I pull into the driveway of Atlas home. I wake up Athena and grab the bags out of the back of the car. I take Athena's hand and lead her to the house, using my key to get in.
I give Athena a bath when we get inside and she gets dressed for bed, she falls asleep a little after eight and I sit on the couch with Eli, he's playing video games and I read. Eli heads upstairs about a half hour later and I follow him, knowing I have homework to do.
When I walk up the stairs I go in Leah and Atlas room to do homework because Eli is already asleep in our room. I hear a knock on the door and I open it, Paige standing i front of me with a panicked expression on her face.
"Paige, what's wrong?" I ask her
"I need your advice" she says and walks in the room, sitting on Leahs bed.
"Okay?"
"How do you talk to girls?" She asks me.
"Why are you asking me?"
"Well because your kind of like my brother, and you like girls."
"Paige you have brothers that like girls?"
"Yeah, but they'd kill me if they found out I liked someone."
"Fair enough, what do you want to know?"
"How do you ask a girl to be your girlfriend?" She asks me. I'm kind of surprised she's coming to me for this.
"Well, it depends on who she is. Some girls like it in person, others prefer it over text, what do you think she'd prefer?"
"Probably text." Paige answers
"Okay, so just ask her. It's simple over text."
"That's it?"
"Yeah."
Honestly I wouldn't know. I've only ever dated you Sarah Jenkins my freshman year but she cheated on me and we broke up after a month anyway, so I don't even really count it.
"What if she says no?" Paige asks
"Then she says no. You'll find someone new, don't scare yourself away from asking just because your afraid she'll say no. If she does, that's okay. It isn't the end of the world and you'll find someone who will say yes, Paige."
"Thanks Everette." She says smiling and pulls out her phone.
"I just asked her."
"Okay, tell me when Aliyah says yes."
She looks at me, confused.
"How'd you know?"
"Your sister talks."
She rolls her eyes when her phone gets a notification.
"She said yes!" She squeals
"Thanks again!" She says excitedly
"No problem paige." I say and she goes back to her room.
I eventually finish most of my homework and sneak into my room and lay in bed. Atlas texts me goodnight and I text her back, trying to fall asleep myself.
It takes me about 2 hours to finally fall asleep.
I wake up panting, memories from that night flood my mind and I feel tears prick my eyes. I shake my head and walk to the bathroom, checking the time on my phone.
5:02 am. Well at least I got 3 hours of sleep. I splash my face with water and try to get the image out of my head.
I go downstairs and sit at the kitchen table, scrolling through social media. I like One of Atlas's photos she took last night with Leah and Hannah.
I eventually get off my phone and getting some eggs out of the fridge, cooking it in a skillet coated with butter.
I eat the eggs quickly and wash the plate, Carlos walking down the stairs shortly after.
"Hey kid, what are you doing up?" He says, his voice scratchy from just waking up.
"Just couldn't sleep well." I lie.
"Oh, okay." He makes himself a cup of coffee and drinks it standing at the counter.
"Eggs?" I offer him but he shakes his head. I walk into the living room.
I turn on the tv and flip through channels, eventually turning on some random movie on Netflix.
Carlos leaves to get ready for work, and I lie down on the couch.
About a half hour later the door opens and Atlas and Leah walk in, Them both already dressed for school. Atlas sees me on the couch and immediately looks worried.
I didn't know I looked that bad.
Leah goes upstairs and Atlas sits by me. I look at her and my vision blurs. I hate crying.
She pulls me into a hug immediately and I have to stop myself from sobbing into her shoulder. I pull away from her and she wipes my tears from my eyes.
"What's wrong?" She asks softly.
"Just a nightmare. I'm fine." I say quickly.
"Are you sure? I know bad dreams suck."
"I'm sure love." I force a smile onto my lips.
She kisses me and tells me to get ready for school.
I listen to her and drag my feet up the stairs, throwing on jeans and a sweatshirt. I wake up Athena and get her dressed, picking her up and taking her downstairs.
Atlas makes her something to eat while I fix my hair and study my face in the mirror.
I hate feeling like this, like your entire world is under water. I keep trying to breathe, to swim to the surface, but there are constantly riptides pulling me deeper into the water and I don't know how to escape them.
I walk out of the bathroom and take Athena's hand. I tell Atlas bye and I take Athena to daycare.
When I get to school Atlas is already here, waiting at the door for me.
I walk in with her and kiss her before she goes to her locker and I go to mine.
During class I can't pay attention. I try to focus but all I can think about is that goddamn suicide attempt.
I trudge through the day, I'm tried and I feel like shit. I'm miserable. Utterly miserable. I'm pathetic.
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I walk into Atlas's empty house with Athena and sit at the table. Athena goes off to play and I try to work on homework.
Atlas and Leah are almost home, Zach has late classes at university, Eli is at some sort of Party and Paige is at her girlfriends house.
I sigh looking down at the pages of homework I have and get a water from the fridge. I hear Atlas car pull up and I continue working on homework.
She comes to the table when she gets in and Leah goes upstairs.
"Everette. Please tell me what's wrong. I know you said you're fine but you haven't been yourself all day long."
"I know. I'm sorry love, it's just the dream I had."
"What was it about?"
I sigh loudly. I need to tell someone. I need to tell her.
"What Everette?" She asks.
"Cmon, let me take you somewhere"
"What?" She asks again.
"I need to show you something." I say
"Okay." She responds. She tells Leah we're leaving and we get in my car as we drive across town to a lake.
"Why are we at the lake? She asks, her confusion evident in her voice.
I don't answer and instead interlock our fingers and begin walking up the trail to a cliff I used to come to. I came here when I needed to think. I came here the night I attempted.
I sit on the edge of the cliff that overlooks the lake, the sunset clear in-front of me.
Atlas sits down nexts to me and I pull her into my side, us both silently admiring the sunset infront of us.
*"When I was 14, I tried to kill myself." I blurt out, still looking infront of me.
I feel her gaze on me and I turn to her slowly, she looks like she saw a ghost.
"Oh my god, baby." She says hugging me tightly.
I can't stop myself at this point.
"My parents were fighting as usual, and my dad had just hit me, harder than he ever had before."
"You don't have to tell me" Atlas interrupts.
"I want to. I need to." I say, pulling away from her hug and looking into her eyes.
I turn my body forward again. "I had tried to kill myself before that night, a bunch of times. But I was in middle school and I had no idea what I was doing so I never got even close to succeeding." The words roll off my tongue like it's the easiest thing in the world to say.
Atlas stays silent, holding my hand tightly.
"I had just had enough, Atlas. I was so tired. I was tired of the fighting, and the beatings, and the constant overwhelming anxiety that I'd never be okay."
"I hung myself."
When I first imagined telling someone this I figured I'd be a wreck. A sobbing, crying wreck, but I'm not. I don't feel anything at all, saying it now, and that scares the hell out of me.
"It didn't work, I didn't do it right, but it almost did. One tighter knot, I'd be dead right now. The rope came untied and I fell. I didn't move for a while, I just wanted it to be over. And then I heard Athena crying. My parents were screaming, but I heard her. It was enough for me to get up. When I realized what I had done I ran to my mom. My mom watched my dad abuse me but she never did it herself, so I trusted her enough to go to her."
"When I did she freaked out. She took me to the hospital. They put me on a 72 hour psych hold."
"Those 72 hours were the worst 3 days of my life. I wasn't able to be there for my sister and the result of it was a very sick 1 year old baby. So I decided I was done, as long as Athena was alive I was going stay alive because I needed to be there for her. I needed to get her out of that house, away from those people. The hospital didn't even question my burns and bruises. They suspected they were self inflicted. They weren't." I finish explaining and Atlas has tears rolling down her cheeks.
I wipe her tears. "Don't cry, sweetheart please don't cry."
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything you've been through, Everette. And I'm so proud of you, you're here. Through everything you've been through you're still here and wiping my tears. You're incredible." She says.
I smile.
"It was a long time ago. I'm okay. I'm not going to lie to you though, sometimes I can't stop thinking about it."
Her eyes fill with hurt and I instantly regret saying that.
"I get it. I don't expect you to always want to be here, especially after what you've been through. I won't lie to you either, and say that the thought has never crossed my mind, it has, it does. But we're both here, and I can't explain how grateful I am that you are."
I feel my chest tighten and my breathing slow, I didn't know how badly it would hurt to know that someone you love wants to die until she said it out loud.
"Don't feel that way, ever. You need to be alive."I say to her.
"You do too." She leans her forehead against mine and I finally feel a tear escape my eye. I close my eyes tightly.* I feel Atlas kiss me and I kiss her back, her pulling away and looking at the sunset again.
It's basically gone now but still beautiful.
"It's beautiful."
"Mhm, almost as beautiful as you."
I internally cringe. That was corny, true, but corny.
"That was cheesy." She responds with a laugh.
"I know." I laugh with her before I eventually stand up and pull her up to me.
"Time to go?" She asks, sorta sadly.
"Yeah." I say in a whisper and we walk back to my car.
~~~~~~~~~~~
When we get back I shower and climb into Atlas's bed. I am so fucking tired.
She lies down a few minutes after me and kisses my face softly.
I laugh at her and she giggles.
She turns away from me and presses her body against mine. I kiss her head before remembering something.
"Do you want to go to homecoming with me? I know I didn't make a big deal about asking but I just figured that-
"Yes." Atlas cuts me off. I turn to her and see she has a huge smile on her face that makes my heart race.
She kisses me again and I fall asleep with my mind on her. I can't wait to take her to homecoming.
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Word count: 4000
(Woah)
Summary; Everette reveals that when he was 14 he attempted suicide. He has a bad nightmare about it which affects him through the day because he didn't sleep and it's all he can think about. Atlas notices this and he decides he's gonna tell her. Everette takes her to a cliff he goes to when he needs to think and they watch the sunset while he tells her what happened. He explains to her that Athena was the reason that he didn't fully go through with it and they have a very emotional moment between the two of them before they leave.
Okay. This chapter physically hurt me to write but is also my favorite chapter so far. We saw more of Everettes trauma.
Also, they're going to homecoming together. Be excited for that chapter because we get a break from all of the pain for a little while.
For everyone who has/had suicidal thoughts you are not alone. You deserve to be here. You are here for a reason. You can always message me if you need someone to talk to, I will always answer. Socials are in my bio, but it is easiest to reach me through Instagram.
stay alive.