TW: Discussions of self-harm.
!!!!PLEASE READ THE A/N WHEN DONE READING!!!!
I am... a difficult person.
Because I need to recover. And constantly breaking off little pieces of myself one by one in order to save others isn't helping. But then again,
If I don't sacrifice myself in order to save others,
Can I really call myself a hero?
I laid in bed tossing and turning over the events of tomorrow- sure, I'd practiced all I could;
But Eri wasn't better yet. I told her to come and see me perform once she was well. And I have failed.
Despite this, I'll keep giving myself. Because I want to, and because it's the right thing to do.
Whether it breaks me or not.
Once I'd finally gotten up, it was time to get dressed into my wonderful, tangerine-coloured band t-shirt. Great choice, Momo...
I paired it with high-waisted black skinny jeans, ripped all down the legs, with a chain and utility belt to go with it. This fine-ass fit was finished off with some chunky black high-heeled ankle boots. Yes, what a mouthful.
After not-so-skilfully slapping some makeup on, I decided to head out.
"Y/N!! You ready??" Kaminari slung an arm around my shoulder lazily.
"Hell yeah." I feigned a grin.
All I could think about was suffering Eri on a hospital bed.
An innocent girl imprisoned in a ward,
Yet I'm free? Why is that fair?
It's not.
"Let's go kill em with our sound." Katsuki firmly smacked me on the back.
"OOF- Someone's enthusiastic." I ruffled the boy's hair- all whilst he looked a little less grumpy than usual.
Backstage, we all made our preparations. Some were riddled with nerves, and some were absolutely wracked with excitement as they fine-tuned their equipment.
And some don't fall into those categories.
Because I was overpowered by guilt.
"I'm gonna have a quick cigarette." I stood up abruptly, needing an ironic breath of fresh air from it all.
That climb to the roof was a long one. Each step felt harder than the last, reminding me of the steps up the hospital. To Eri's room...
Maybe U.A. just needs to install an elevator.
I headed to the edge of the rooftop, trying my best to admire the sunny day before me.
Until I heard footsteps approaching.
"Hey." I turned to see a hoarse-voiced Hizashi, looking tired as hell. And scared...
He can't figure it out. Not now.
"Wassup, 'Zash-"
"Cut the crap, Y/N." His hands were stuffed in his pockets., slowly walking towards me. I was fucking cornered.
"I- I've been thinking about it all night, why you would flinch when I squeezed your arm, and only one answer seemed logical, y'know?" His eyebrows were upturned with worry. I did this to him...?
I suddenly found my shoes very interesting.
"Yamada, I don't know what you're talking about, but it's not important right now, we have a show to put o-"
"Don't call me that! And you know what I'm talking about! And it is freaking importa- No, it's fucking important, Y/N. Because I'm worried about you." He was getting more frustrated by the second.
"Zashi, I-"
"You- you've been cutting yourself again, haven't you?" He said pretty bluntly. I was, quite frankly, taken aback.
"You know what?? I don't wanna talk about this right now!! I wanna put on this show, then you can do whatever afterwards! It's literally not even that bad this time!!" I burst out.
"No. I wanna see it, now, because I don't trust you. I don't trust you when you say it's 'not that bad'. You said yesterday you were safe. You said you'd 'keep it together', but-"
"But I AM. This is temporary. I promise, it'll stop soon-"
"When the hell is soon?!" Tears were now slowly rolling down his cheeks.
"I can't stand it! I can't stand watching my student, and my friend breaking apart like this. I want to help you, but you have to let me! Because I don't know what to do now!" He practically pleaded.
Destroying myself... was destroying others in the process.
"After the show! Please. I can't do this now." My voice trembled.
"And I'm sick of crying up here." I wiped the wetness from my eyes. Without another word, I took one last look at my distraught friend before jumping off the roof and grappling down the building to safety. I know that may have scared him for a moment, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let me run through the door he was blocking.
"Jesus L/N, did you chainsmoke up there or something?" Jirou smirked, poking fun at me for being up there so long.
"Ha, sorry." I rubbed the back of my neck nervously.
"Right, we sent Midoriya out for some supplies from the store ages ago for rope and stuff, but the show's gonna start soon and he's nowhere to be seen. Can you go find him??" Jirou was beginning to panic.
"Sure. Back in a jiffy!" I winked, trying to maintain a bubbly persona.
I ran from the building- from Mic, from confronting what was happening. I ran to distract myself from reality.
"That's weird..." I spotted a plastic bag on the floor, right outside the shops, filled with the stuff Midoriya was sent out for. The best course of action would be to head inside and ask the clerk if he'd seen him.
"Sorry, have you seen a green haired kid with freckles come in here and buy this stuff?" I showed the red-head clerk the contents of the bag.
"Yeah, he left about half an hour ago. Looks like he went back that way." He pointed towards the forest leading to U.A. I tied the bag shut and clipped it to my belt.
"Ah, thanks dude-"
"Y-Y/N?"
'Nope. Fuck no. Fuck right off. Nope. Not today.' I thought, immediately recognising the voice. I turned to see my mother, looking skinny and emaciated, clutching a basket of shopping. Her hair had begun to gray, framing her slender cheekbones. But, despite looking so weak, she seemed... less terrifying. At least she wasn't dead, I guess. Despite the bruise on her frail cheek.
Not that I gave a shit.
She ain't my fucking responsibility. Especially when she sat and watched as my father decided to be an asshole.
"Uh- I-" I began to hyperventilate, feeling the walls closing in. My chest felt as though the deadly serpent known as 'anxiety' had tightly coiled around, trying to suffocate me.
"I- I can't..." I whispered, before bolting out the door.
"Fuckfuckfuckfuck-" I repeated with every stride, ignoring the branches whipping against me.
"Ah- fuck, I-" I doubled over, clutching my knees, unable to run any further.
And that's when I couldn't fight it off anymore. All I could think about was- everything. Me pushing away Shouta and my friends, my past, the pain, Eri- It all flashed through my head at once.
"FUCK YOU!!" A yell erupted from my throat, as I fell to the ground and clutched myself, sobbing loudly. The bark of the tree rubbed against my arm, and my wretched cries were muffled by my hands.
"Why?? Why me?! Why am I so fucking stupid?!" I mumbled in between tears. However, gunshots in the distance distracted me. They grew closer and closer with every second.
"W-what the hell?" I slowly stood up, now quietly weeping and hitching my breath.
A dishevelled man appeared through the underbrush- his hair a dirty blonde, and glasses sitting crookedly atop the bridge of his nose. His suit was unkempt, and he was grasping onto a case of some sort for dear life.
"L/N..." He approached me.
"W-what now? Who even are you? What the fuck is my life?" I trembled, trying to speak despite my breaking down.
"I'm Nemoto." He affirmed, looking panicked. Seems I couldn't recognise him without the plague mask...
"Oh shit... haha... great timing!" I smiled sarcastically, wiping my tears with my sleeve. At this point, I was fucking drained.
"I heard you needed this." He opened the case, to reveal one bullet of the quirk-destroying drug, sitting next to empty slots for where the rest of the doses should have been.
"H-holy fuck..." I covered my mouth with my hands- it was over. It was finally over.
"I have to shoot you with it though. I apologise..." He quickly began to load the gun.
"Does this have something to do with the firefight behind us?" I questioned.
"Yes. I stole it. I wanted to do something good for once. For that little girl. If I get out of this alive, I'll move somewhere far away and forget all this. Do something that involves helping people, perhaps. Although my chances are slim. Now get back. If I do this point-blank, it'll be bad." He started to back away from me, up to the edge of the clearing, and I did the same.
"OI!!! NEMOTO, YOU DIRTY TRAITOR!" I heard a voice yell, shortly followed by a group of men appearing through the trees armed to the teeth. With all my concentration, I used my quirk one last time. Pain shot through my skull- but seeing those men disappear made it worth it. Luckily, the adrenaline of it all allowed me to overclock my quirk.
"I- I made them go back 10 minutes. You'll get out of this." We locked eyes for a moment, as he took aim at me. His eyes stared down at me just over the sight of the weapon- washing me over with a beautiful relief...
That this was over.
Now, I had a new journey ahead of me. Gritting my teeth, I stood my ground and prepared myself.
"Thank you." He said, right before the welcomed bang of the bullet pierced through the side of my thigh.
A heated, burning sensation spread throughout my leg- but do you know what surprised me?
It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
It just burned, with an insatiable rage. I winced, grasping the wound.
As the ticking of my watch carried on, without me being able to feel it anymore.
"Fuck, man, get out of here already!!" I half-joked, smiling at the man that saved Eri.
"Till next time." He threw a small bag at me before disappearing into the bracken- which I then discovered was a first aid kit. Looking down at my leg, it luckily wasn't bleeding too much.
I hope he ends up making something of his life.
"Ah-" I winced, pouring disinfectant over the wound before placing layers of gauze over it. I tightly wrapped the bandage over, tying it off as tight as I could.
"It's done..." My tired, heavy body fell with a thump against the grass, allowing me to look up at the clouds.
"I hope Eri's okay..." I smiled lightly, my arm resting upon my forehead.
"But now, the show must go on."
----
"Oi. What's the holdup?" I asked Jirou.
"Oh, Aizawa-sensei. We're just waiting on supplies."
"Fine, but you need to hurry up with it." I addressed all the students. Subconsciously, my eyes wandered around to look for Y/N. However, she was nowhere to be seen.
I hated not talking to her. But, she insisted on being secretive and running off to god-knows-where with Bakugo and Todoroki. I was trying to help her, but she simply refused.
And I don't know what to do about it anymore.
"S-Sho!" An exhausted Hizashi appeared behind me.
"Hm?" I grunted.
"I have to talk to you. About L/N." I raised my eyebrows. Immediately, my mind went to the worst-case scenario.
"Okay... but she refuses to let me help her, so I'm not sure what you expect me to do, Yamada." I lashed out at him without meaning to. I was just feeling... powerless.
"She's- hurting herself again, 'cause this Eri thing is eating her up. I don't know what she's been up to, but it's too much for her on her own I think." My fears came true. She was doing so well lately... but relapses happen, sadly. And now, I just wanted to be there for her, no matter what was going on.
"How do you know?" I interrogated.
"Yesterday, I saw her on the roof during homeroom, and I squeezed her arm, and she was clearly in pain. So- so I asked her about it just now, and I sorta backed her into a corner, and she admitted it. She said she didn't wanna talk about it now, and would talk about it after the show. But- but yesterday, she said she'd 'hold herself together' till she 'saved Eri', but she- she couldn't, Sho." He wrapped his arms around me in a silent hug. Hyper-aware of my students, I gingerly returned the embrace, feeling the eyes and every quirked brow looking at us.
I prayed she was okay.
"Where's L/N?" I asked the class.
"We sent her out to find Midoriya, because he took ages getting supplies, but now she's been gone ages too... I'm worried to send anyone else out after them now..." Jirou told me.
"...Fuck."
----
With determination, I forced myself up. My leg didn't quite want to move, causing me to limp through the forest. Still clutching the bag of supplies, but of course.
And what do you know, there's the broccoli bastard Midoriya- standing over some emo-looking Colonel Sanders wannabe. Upon closer inspection, I recognised him.
"L/N! The teachers are coming, we've got to go-"
"Is that the fucking youtuber that said he'd break in today?!" I exclaimed, staring at the struggling villain and his accomplice not too far away.
"More importantly, what the heck happened to your leg?!" I looked down to see blood beginning to seep through my bandages.
"Oh, I got shot. Anyways, we have a show to put on, preferably before I pass out from blood loss. And we were meant to be on 5 minutes ago." I glanced at my watch.
"Uh- alright!" He put my arm over my shoulder, helping me to the building.
"You two!! Where on earth have you been??" Iida was the first to berate us.
"Got lost." My head pounded, and my leg was burning. This was not good.
"What the fuck happened to you?!" Katsuki stared gobsmacked at my bleeding leg. Then at a very injured Midoriya.
"He fell in a ditch. In an attempt to rescue him, I too, succumbed to the ditch. The ditch was unforgiving- but we managed to escape, with not our dignity, but our lives." 20 pairs of eyes all stared at me, as if to say 'Really, L/N...?'
"Fine. I got shot, jeez. Not sure about Deku. In other news, we have some instruments that need playing!" I limped to my guitar, plugging in the cable.
"Anyone care to join me?" I rolled my eyes. Jirou shrugged, grabbing her bass guitar.
The others raced ahead of me to the stage, when I was stopped by two of my favourite teachers.
"Got shot, huh?" Aizawa looked at me with a half relieved, half 'I'm gonna kill you' expression. I wrapped him up in a hug, burying my head in his chest. He sighed, rubbing the back of my head gently.
"You really worried me this time, Y/N." He whispered. I looked to the side to see Hizashi welling up.
"I was really scared, kid!" I opened an arm, inviting him in for a group hug. The three of us stood there for a few seconds before separating.
"I am going to tell you everything after we play. Can you wait just a little longer?" I smiled. Shouta nodded just a fraction, while Mic shook his head up and down vigorously.
"You can tell us after a visit to Recovery Girl." He looked at my wound.
"Alright! See you out there."
I just barely managed to get through the song- watching all my schoolmates cheer and dance like there was no tomorrow. Confetti and snowflakes elegantly spread themselves across the room, making the experience just that much more beautiful.
But the real kicker?
Eri. Sitting on Mirio's shoulders, watching Midoriya and I with a silent amazement. Thank God she recovered so quickly after my quirk was removed.
And right near the end of the song, the most adorable smile spread across her face. Finally, she learned to smile.
Things were looking up again, huh?
----
A/N PLEASE READ
Wassup!
Now, it's time for a dose of honesty for you guys. This book is starting to reach its end. THIS CHAPTER IS NOT THE END. It really hurts me to say that... but I have given everything I could to this story, and it has given just as much back. I honestly don't know what to write about anymore. In terms of this story, at least. I LOVE writing. The thought of finishing my most favourite story in the world hurts. When I started this book, I wrote the exact kind of book I would want to read. And thinking of something else to write is scary! And if I do write something new, I'd be worried it would be too similar to this book. Because I love Y/N's personality in this book. And I'd be worried about writing the same book again, but I don't want to write something I hate. Because I HATE HATE HATE xReaders that have the main character super OP and shy. But then again, I've now already explored a quirkless reader AND a pretty headstrong reader.
And that's where you, my wonderful, loyal, supportive readers come in!
I have a few options here. But I'd love suggestions.
1) Quirkless AU- Aizawa is your college professor.
2) Quirkless AU- Aizawa's your classmate at college.
3) You're a pro-hero meeting Aizawa on a patrol?
3) I keep this book going for a bit.
If I keep writing this book... I need some help with ideas. What arcs or situations would you want to happen? Or, do any of you have an idea for a new book you'd like to see?
Please help!!!!
I love you all, please take care!
-Wyatt.