The volleyball game stopped once people started to gather around the bonfire. I stayed in my corner of the dock until Sunwoo jogged up to me. There was a drop of sweat running down his forehead and his hair was messy from the wind and the jumping.
I hopped off the edge and I nearly tripped but his fast reflexes reached out and steadied me.
"Woah there," He said. "Is this the same drink?" he asked.
I shook my head. I felt the rough fabric of velcro on my hand and I looked down at his brace. "Sunwoo your wrist."
"Hm?" he asked.
"You're not supposed to play volleyball with an injury, silly." I said. It was almost like I didn't have control over my words. My knees felt like they might give out and I could just lay there in the sand and never get up.
"Nah it doesn't even hurt." Sunwoo answered. "Doctors are so fucking dramatic."
"Like you aren't,"
He scoffed. "Come, walk with me," Sunwoo grabbed my hand so I wouldn't trip over my own delusion and he led me closer to the bonfire. "Are you having fun?"
"Time of my life," I said. I wasn't sure if I was joking or not.
We happened to be standing a few feet away from Serri and her friends, and they were gathered in a tight circle with red cups.
"Looks like the new girl fit in well," Sunwoo said.
"You know her?"
"I know everyone," He answered. "Do you?" he asked.
Serri answered for me, as we heard her saying, "I think Changmin is, like, my boyfriend now."
Sunwoo and I both glanced at each other and inched forward to eavesdrop. I hoped my face didn't drop as much as I felt.
"Really?? oh my god, what's he like?" Her friend asked.
"He's so cute, I love his smile. He's nothing like the guys I dated back in the States." Serri answered.
"Girl you scored big time, you know half the school has been drooling over him since the 6th grade," Her friend said.
"Really? Yeah, I mean I get it," She said. "I hope I'm coming across as innocent as he is though."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean like I kind of feel like I fake my personality around him a little bit, but as long as he likes me right? It doesn't really matter if he doesn't know the real me that well. You know what I mean?" Serri said.
"Yeah."
I frowned. Her voice sounded a bit different from when I spoke to her before. But maybe it was the alcohol getting to my head.
"He's so sweet and polite too," Serri added.
I agreed, he was sweet and polite. But he was so much more than that.
"Don't you think there has to be something wrong with him?" Her friend asked.
"I know right, there's no way someone can be so perfect!" She laughed.
He hated that word. Perfect. He and I both agreed a few years ago that no person should ever be described as perfect.
It started to piss me off, the way they were all talking about him. It was so surface level, and it was unfair how he would end up with someone who knew nothing about him. When in reality, the best parts of Changmin weren't the 'always smiling' and 'always polite' face he put on, it was much more than that.
"I just feel like I know him, you know?" serri said. "He's predictable, and that's so comforting to me. He's not difficult to figure out, but in the best way."
That did it for me. They treated him like a 2D book character. analyzing him as if they knew him his whole life. They probably didn't even know what his family was going through.
I swallowed the rest of my drink in one sip.
"Doah," Sunwoo started. "while that was impressive, you might want to--"
I shoved the can into his hand and I took a step towards the girls with my arms crossed.
"Do you know what his favorite color is?" I asked loudly.
They all turned to me.
"Oh, Doah!" Serri grinned. "I didn't expect to see you here, how are you?"
"When's his birthday?" I asked.
She tilted her head at me, still wearing the same wide smile. "...birthday?"
"Changmin's birthday. When is it?" I asked.
"Doah," I heard Sunwoo call from somewhere behind me, but I wasn't leaving this alone. I didn't care if I was drunk or not, because I would have done the same thing if I wasn't. I hated the way they talked about him.
"Um..." Serri glanced at me. "Why are you asking?"
November 5th.
"I'm asking you. To see if you know as much as you say you do," I said.
Her smile faltered. "I don't.... are you drunk? Why are you being like this?"
"So what if I am?" I said. "Do you even know if he has siblings? His pet? Favorite movie genre?"
Serri looked nervous now, and I felt a spark of joy from that.
Two older sisters. Gana. Horror.
"I don't.... know." She said in a quiet voice, maybe so that her friends wouldn't hear. "But I know that you should go somewhere to sober up. You don't want to say something you'll regret."
I nodded, I put my hands in my pockets like Sunwoo usually did. "Sure, I'll go 'sober up,' but at least I can sleep at night knowing damn well I know when to get his birthday gift."
I turned around before I could see the look on her face because I didn't care. All I wanted was her to know how important it was to understand him. He was more than his face, and the smile and the way he appeared at school.
I brushed past Sunwoo and he jogged to catch up with me. "That was badass." He said.
I stumbled over a mound of sand as I got further from the fire and closer to the water.
"I need to cool off," I said. I was mostly talking to myself. My body felt warm, like if I just let go I might explode, or fall to the ground. Drinking alcohol is such a strange experience.
"okay, you want to walk or..."
I lifted my shirt off my head and tossed it to him.
"Or we could do that," Sunwoo caught it.
I turned from him and waded into the water.
"Oh." I heard him say.
It was dark now, and the ocean looked menacing. It's funny how in the day time something can look so welcoming, but now my fear of the dark was creeping up on me.
I went in further, and it seemed like if I walked a few more steps I would disappear into the pure darkness.
I wonder what Changmin knows about Serri. I wonder if he wants to know more. If he wants to know all of her, even the bad parts.
I wonder what he thinks about me now. I feel that I've changed since the beginning of the year. The tension between us has changed.
I inhaled the cold and salty air.
"Doah," Sunwoo splashed towards me. "It's kind of deep over here, are you sure you're up to swim?"
I didn't answer him. It felt like I was living outside of my body. I couldn't believe I had said what I did to Serri. Never in my life did I have that much fire inside me. Except when it came to Changmin.
Because of the darkness, I didn't see the wave creeping up. I felt my head swept under the sea, and for a moment I couldn't decide which way was up, and what was down. Honestly I didn't really care if I found out. It felt like I was living in a hallucination.
I wish I could live with this much carefree energy. I wish I didn't care what people though of me, or if I could have been honest with Changmin. How would it all have been different?
I felt a firm hand around my wrist and I was yanked above the water again. My lungs burned, and my eyes stung, and I still felt strange.
"Okay, that's enough swimming for tonight," Sunwoo said. His hair was damp now, it was perfectly swept away from his forehead.
I let him half drag me back to the sand where nobody acknowledged us.
"Can you maybe let some steam off in a different way?" He grunted as he struggled to push my body onto the deck of the house. "Swimming seems a tad bit inconvenient right now."
"Okay," I said. From here I was squatting on the deck, looking down at him. He raked a hand through his dark hair and his tan skin gleamed from the moonlight. I dared to glance further down. His already open shirt was stuck to his skin from the water, and I saw the lines of his chest and his abs. He looked like he could be a model, and I suddenly felt very insignificant next to him.
I wonder what someone like him saw in me. It's not like he was one to appreciate reading and organization skills.
When I met Sunwoo's eyes again he looked different. He looked hungry for something.
"Really?" He asked. His voice was low, and for once it seemed like all his focus was purely on me.
I swallowed. "Unless you don't want to."
He hoisted himself onto the deck next to me. "I've wanted to since the day I laid eyes on you on the soccer field."
"I knew you were a perv," I scoffed, though I still had to lean on him for balance as I stood up.
Somehow we made it up the stairs to the third floor of the beach house. Multiple rooms were occupied, but mostly it was empty since everybody was outside.
I didn't feel right in my mind, but I didn't care. I hated the feeling of being too late. Feeling like something could have happened if I had acted sooner, but I didn't. It was all my own fault.
I closed the door behind us and the lighting in the room was already dim. It was a guest room, and it seemed like nobody had ever lived in it before.
I didn't know what to do, or what to say, but Sunwoo definitely did. I felt his kiss again, on my lips, on my neck, everywhere. And yet it still didn't feel like anything.
His shirt was thrown across the room and we were sitting on the edge of the bed in a drunken make out session.
Sunwoo suddenly pulled away, his chest was breathing heavily. "Are you sure?" he asked.
"You think I can't handle it?" I asked. I didn't have control over my own words, it was like I was a different person.
"No I.... I just don't want--I mean you just look... upset. A little bit." sunwoo said cautiously.
"I'm not," I answered with my guard up. "...I need a distraction."
"From what?"
I stared at him and I shook my head. "It doesn't matter." I said. "Didn't we agree on no questions asked?"
He nodded.
And then, the empty kisses were back. It was nothing but empty movement but I needed something. Anything.
I needed to be in a moment where I wasn't thinking about Changmin. Recounting all of the conversations we shared just between us. Having the same music taste, and reading the same books, caring for each other. And yet, he was still just my brother's best friend. And I was just his best friend's little sister.
How can a year have made so much difference? Or maybe, it wasn't the age gap. Maybe it was just us. Maybe he didn't want it to work, and maybe it shouldn't have.
Sunwoo's hand touched the clasp of my swimsuit top and I was put back into reality.
My body tensed up, as I realized what was happening.
How far was I willing to go for a distraction?
I opened my eyes when Sunwoo's lips separated from mine. His hands were resting on either side of my head and I was laying on the soft covers of the bed.
He looked down at me with emotion I had never seen on his face before. Sunwoo's hand caressed the side of my cheek and it felt damp where he touched.
"You're crying," He whispered.
I blinked. I hadn't cried in so long, I forgot what it felt like. Maybe it was the alcohol, but I didn't even notice it happening. I tried to push down the heartbreak I was feeling but nothing was working. Not even this.
My lips parted and Sunwoo rolled off of me. I brushed the tears off my face and I sat up.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"No, don't do that shit." Sunwoo glanced at me. "Don't apologize like you did something wrong."
"It's not that, it's just.... we weren't supposed to have to lean on each other emotionally." I said. "I shouldn't be crying in front of you when we have a no expectations rule."
Sunwoo shook his head. "It's cool." he answered.
We sat in silence. We could hear the sounds of the ocean waves outside, the party happening on the sand. In theory it was the perfect moment for this to happen, and yet.... it just wasn't.
"Doah. I'm not the person you need." Sunwoo said after a while.
'Sunwoo you don't get it. You're exactly the person I need.' is what I told him on our first date.
I nodded. He was right. I was in tears from this. My knees were shaking but it wasn't anything he did. He did nothing wrong.
"You don't deserve to have another meaningless night with someone," I answered quietly. "You deserve someone that would stay."
Sunwoo looked away from me. He stared at his hands. Eventually a sad laugh was forced out of him. "sometimes I think that'll never happen. I think there's something wrong with me."
"Don't say that," I said. "You just haven't met the right person."
"Yeah, maybe."
"And I'm sorry that this wasn't enough," I said. "For either of us."
Sunwoo glanced at me. "You're lucky, you know."
"How so?"
"You've found that person that will make you stay," He said.
"....but he won't." I answered. "I've found him and he won't. Isn't that worse?"
Sunwoo sniffed and shook his head. "Nah. I heard the way Serri was talking. They won't last."
I didn't want to get my hopes up.
"Also am I-- I mean are you--"
"I have a ride home," I answered.
He stood up and grabbed his shirt off the floor. "But hey, if it's cool with you, can we still like... talk? When we see each other at school and stuff. You're still the most interesting girl I've ever met, Doah."
I gave him a small smile. "When's your next soccer game?"
"Next tuesday."
"I'll be there," I said.
"Sideline girl." He stepped back towards the door. "And thanks, by the way. For this."
"I didn't do anything," I said. I felt so small, sitting on the edge of this bed.
"You did more than you know for me." Sunwoo answered.
We shared a last look and he shut the door with a quiet click. And just like that, the distraction was gone.
I had to face what I was trying so hard to ignore.