TW: Self Harm, Eating Disordered Behaviors (Binging and low appetite), mood swings due to severe depression + anxiety
Snow's POV:
"Are you sure you don't want to sit with the prefects? I don't mind sitting with my friends." Mattheo was technically supposed to sit in the prefect's lounge, but he said he wanted to sit with me this time around.
"Are you crazy? I literally asked if you're okay with us sitting together." The two of us, along with hundreds of other students, began boarding the train. We immediately went to the back compartment, where the least amount of students would be. "Let's get in here." As the two of us sat across from each other and put our bags away, an announcements began.
A robotic voice came overhead. "Hello fellow Hogwarts students. Please find a seat, we will be departing shortly."
It was silent for a few moments after that, after which the train lurched and began driving past the station and to the outside. I looked outside, trying to think of how to act upon every single movement and word I said. Mattheo could read me like a book. I make one tiny misstep, and he'll know everything. "How was summer?" I asked him.
He sighed and sat up a bit straighter. "Do I really need to answer that?"
"Right, stupid question." I shifted uncomfortably in my chair and tried to sound as natural as possible. "I can't wait for this year. And you're a 7th year. I'm so excited for you!" He nodded and looked outside the window. "What's wrong?"
He shook his head and looked at me. "Nothing it's just... I don't know what to do after Hogwarts, and I need to start filling out applications in a month and I have NO idea what to do." I didn't even think that he would feel that way. "I might take an extra year at Hogwarts, it's an option and it'll cut time off for my college, but I seriously have no idea what to do!
"I- I didn't even think of that," I genuinely say. I take the two of his hands in mine to make it easier for us to speak. "D- do you want me to help you think of some options?" I ask.
He shook his head and his hung his head down. "It's ok, I'll figure it out." He suddenly stood up and walked outside of our section. "The cart just rolled by, I'll go get us something."I was about to call him back, but by then, he'd already headed outside. Everything felt ruined. As if I just ruined such a happy and bright mood. I sulked down in my chair, playing around with the sleeves around my wrists. My knees were being held against my chest with my arms while I played around with the sleeves. I hissed in pain when my nails brushed against my wrists. My attempt at being gentle didn't work out too well because I managed to rub my healing scars.
"Snow?" I flinched at the sudden sound of his voice and sat up immediately.
"Shit, I didn't hear you!" He closed the compartment door and handed me one of the snacks he just bought. "Hey, I'm sorry about pushing it earlier, I shouldn't have done that." He shook his head, brushing it off, while taking a huge bite of the cauldron cake. I felt my sleeves getting all soaked up. Fuck. "I'm heading to the restroom, I'll be right back."
I quickly storm to the restroom in this part of train and shut the door behind me. I panic and I pull up my sleeves and see one of the wounds slightly bleeding. I must have scratched it back open. "Fuck me." I quickly clean it up and it luckily stopped bleeding. I cuffed up the sleeve a bit, and went back to the compartment, trying to maintain my composure.
The Sorting Ceremony: Third Person POV
"GRYFFINDOR!" The Sorting Hat yelled out. All of use at the Gryffindor table began clapping as the little first year girl came to the table, a small smile on her face. She was the last one and everyone began eating. Snow was sitting next to Harry and Ron, and Hermione was sitting in across from them. Chatter was constant through the halls. Forks were heard clanging against the tables. Snow was picking at her food, not feeling the urge to eat after what happened in the train earlier.
You idiot... you could've been caught by Mattheo. What would've happened? He wouldn't understand.
But of course he'd understand. He of ALL people would understand. She did, after all, catch him self harming once. However, some part of Snow wanted her to keep herself closeted. She didn't want to say anything. She didn't want Mattheo or her brother and friends to blow it out of proportion. She would figure it out on her own. She always has, always will.
"Snow! It's our favorite," Harry exclaimed. He passed down the desert to her and it was ice cream cake. Snow ate it of course, but if felt as if there was no flavor in the desert. She felt tired and completely out of it. All the joy of even the simplest things were sucked out. The easiest tasks seemed like it would take a lifetime.
Soon enough, it was already time for everyone to head back to their dormitories. Snow followed behind in the single file line, staring at the ground. She looked up and waved goodbye to Mattheo as he smiled back in return. He was leading the students back into the Slytherin dorms.
When they entered the dorms, they all dispersed. Snow was changed into her pajamas, which were a nice, cotton, full sleeved fabric. She was all alone in her dorm. Ginny snuck out to be with Luna earlier in the evening. All her energy was drained out. The mask had been taken off for the night. The little energy she did have left was used so she wouldn't cry and think about everything that happened. What she needed the most was a distraction.
She took out a book from her bag and started reading it from the bookmark. She tried being as calm as she could. She was flipping a page when she felt as if someone was staring at her. Her book was lowered down and she flinched when she saw a bird behind the window.
"Holy shit!" She quickly rushed over to the window and opened it up. Of course, Mattheo. It quickly flew in and transformed back into Mattheo. "Oh my god, you finally come into my dorm!" He chuckles and quickly hugs Snow. "What's up?" She asked. Snow may have been showing a smile on her face, but in reality, human interaction was the last thing she wanted right now, even with Mattheo. She was shutting down. Fast and hard.
"I was bored and I made all my rounds already. I saw Ginny in the halls sneaking into the Ravenclaw dorms," he snickered, going to sit on the bed. "I let her go with a warning." Snow shook her head in disbelief and sat right next to him.
"How kind of you," she replied. The book laid forgotten on the pillow. "Ready for the first day of school?" She said in fake, high pitched voice.
He scoffed and shook his head. "No. Break was way too short." He laid back on sideways on the bed, and Snow laid next to him. "Honestly, I might just fake being sick tomorrow."
"Bad idea. If you're caught you will be in tremendous trouble!" Snow joked around.
He shrugged his shoulders, as if he didn't care. "Might as well fit the stereotype of being a Riddle." Snow scrunched her eyebrows together in concern and looked to the left at Mattheo, but he was looking at the ceiling. She know the rumors and terrible standards affected him, but she never thought way too much about it. That thought caused a sinking feeling in her. The teenage girl felt as if she was a bad girlfriend, which just made the pit in her stomach deeper.
"Don't say that. You're so much more than a stereotype, Mattheo. You're a real person with feelings, and a BIG heart. Whoever doesn't see that is an idiot!" Mattheo turned to look at her, who was already looking at him. He smiled and quickly pecked her lips.
"When did you get so good at sappy speeches?"
The brown haired girl flushed red at her cheesiness. "It's not meant to be sappy, it's supposed to make sure you know you're not a bad person," she said. The two of them lay down in a comfortable silence for a moment, before Mattheo started talking.
"Maybe we should go to Hogsmeade this weekend? It's been a while since we had like... a proper date?" Snow hummed in response and turned to the other side. "How's Adalie? I haven't been able to mail her too much."
"She's fine." She was feeling slightly irritated at his constant questions. It was bubbling over in her stomach, for whatever reason. She was usually able to keep her calm.
"Did you end up getting her does books? She told me about them." Snow could hear him shifting around, which annoyed her even more.
"Yeah, I did. Two, actually."
He shifted over to be a bit closer to Snow and put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Anything else you want to say?" She spat with a little too much venom in her voice."
"Uhm, no not really."
"Good!" She grabbed the pillow and hugged her arms around it. "Maybe give me a little warning next time before you come barging through my damn window!" She spat out.
Snow heard him take a breath before getting up from the bed. She didn't say or do anything. She just stayed still in bed. "When you're willing to have a conversation, let me know then, I guess," he said, his voice clearly showing he was slightly annoyed. Snow paid no heed and just scoffed. She heard her window open and then close. If she'd turned around, she would notice Mattheo looked back at Snow with a small look of concern before flying off into the night.
The next morning:
Snow's POV:
I was in a deep sleep. And I mean DEEP DEEP. So deep that I only woke up when water was poured over me. I jumped up from my bed. "What the hell, Ginny!"
"You weren't waking up! Hurry the fuck up, we're gonna be late!" I groaned, feeling tired and like absolute shit. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. All the events of last night immediately came to me. I knew it happened. I felt bad. And I felt like the worst person on planet Earth. He didn't even do or say anything wrong. It was just me and my stupidity. The thought that I hurt his feelings in that way caused a terrible, rising feeling in my stomach. Shit.
I immediately put my toothbrush away and washed out my mouth. I looked in the mirror and took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. Why am I like this? Why. Why why why! I can't seem to make smart decisions AT ALL, anymore. It made me feel so incredibly low, as if I don't even have control over the decisions I make anymore. And when I felt like I wasn't in control over myself, then what was the point of having control over anything?
"Snow?" I heard a couple knocks and my door and I quickly opened it. I was completely ready. "10 PM tonight, there's a party at the Black Lake. Wanna go?" I nodded quickly, knowing what I'd want most would be there. I just needed one night of distraction, one more night before I'd stop everything and face reality.
"Hell yeah, I'm going," I say, brushing through my hair. My shoulders slightly relaxed at the thought of tonight. Me and Mattheo could go together after we make up, and then all would be well! I know from going over our schedules, that we both have the same free period, 2nd period. That would be the perfect time for us to make up for everything.
Charms Class:
"Now that I've made all the classroom rules clear, please keep in mind, this is an advanced Charms class for 6th years! The dropout date is the 7th of September! I will now be passing out the syllabuses," Professor Flitwick stated with a flourish. I heard and was also paying attention to everything he was saying, but I was mostly focused on something else. A piece of paper on my desk.
On this piece of paper, I was writing down potential universities, colleges, and things that Mattheo could study since he was COMPLETELY clueless about it. God knows he needed help on it. There were about 10 things on the list by now. The syllabuses were passed out and class was over! Already? I shrugged, hoping I'd done enough, and swung my bag over my shoulder, along with the paper in my hand. I stuffed the syllabus in my bag, and began walking down the halls. I was looking around, until I saw him leaning against a wall in the corner, reading from the syllabus.
Damn he looked hot.
Paper in my hand, I go up to him and just stand next to him, waiting for acknowledgment. He quickly saw me and put the paper down. A very soft glare was on his face. He was clearly slightly upset, but not very much so. I handed the paper to him and leaned back, waiting for him to go over it. When he finished looking over it, he just folded the paper and stuffed it in his pocket. He quickly glanced at me and shook his head before looking back in front of him.
Rude, much?
"You're welcome?" I say, hoping he would respond.
He shook his head and turned around, leaning his shoulder against the wall to face me directly. "Seriously?"
"What do you mean, 'Seriously?'" He gave me a certain look, suggesting that I've messed up. " I literally spent all of Charms class for that."
"What the hell is up with you?" He scoffed and stood up straight, putting his hands in his pocket. "You're NEVER, like this."
"Like what?" I deadpan, starting to feel a bit more annoyed now, but I kept my composure.
"I dunno, maybe you not apologizing for getting mad at me over nothing is out of character. What's even more out of character is you went out of your way to do something and not apologize. You, of ALL people, apologize when you do something wrong because you know how to acknowledge that you did something wrong. Now, I'm not seeing that," he explained.
I take a deep breath and stand up straighter. "Ok, sorry. I wasn't feeling great yesterday. Won't happen again." I purse my lips to prevent myself from saying anything else.
"You..." He shook his head. "Nevermind."
I disregard whatever he wanted to say and ask him what I came to. "Wanna go to the Black Lake Party with me tonight? I'll stop by at your dorm."
He scrunched his eyebrows and opened his mouth to rebuttal, before just closing it and nodding. "Cool."
Later that day:
"You've outdone yourself this time, Harry."
He rolled his eyes and kept looking at the book. "The Half-Blood Prince. Who the heck is the Half Blood Prince?"
"Don't know. But I will definitely be stealing that book for potions class," I say. He pauses for a moment, his eyes wandering all over the book. "Anyways, get ready, the party's in an hour." I quickly jog upstairs so I can get in my room. Went I enter the room, I notice Ginny holding an arm over Luna's shoulder, who looked like she was crying. "What's going on here..."
They both looked up, and it was clear Luna was previously crying. Her eyes was glossy and slightly red. Her cheeks were stained with tears. "No uhm... Come, sit," she said. I hesitantly made my way over to her so sit and she shifted a bit. "Well... I came out to my dad during the summer, he took his time to process and he decided that it's just something he won't discuss."
"So basically... her liking girls isn't real," Ginny said, her voice in despair. I felt so bad and gave a quick hug to Luna.
"I'm so sorry," I genuinely said. She shook her head against my chest.
"It's fine, I know it's real."
"As you should!" I stand back from the hug and look at the both of them intently. "You two need to get a little loose. Come to the party, get drunk, let loose, whatever. It's one night!"
"I dunno bout the getting drunk part, but..."
"It's not as bad as you think. But yea, your choice! I'll be getting ready." I head into the bathroom and just change into jean shorts and a black half sleeved short. I really didn't need an entire hour to get ready, but I wanted to stay in Mattheo's dorm for a bit so we could warm up to each other a bit before the party, because right now, I had a feeling he was still slightly upset with me.
At his dorm:
He was writing at his table when I entered. He saw me, but he didn't even greet me. "So..." I say after a few minutes. He doesn't respond and keeps on writing. "Whatcha writing?"
"Those applications you so desperately are trying to help me with, " he bitterly spat.
I stand up, slightly upset. "Ok, this is ridiculous," I murmur, mostly to myself. "I was literally trying to HELP you, and then you act like an asshole towards me!" He drops his pen and looks at me. His eyes have a stern look before softening a bit.
"You're right," he said. He stood up and hugged me. "I'm just... I understand things were tough and I was being an asshole." I practically melted in his arms. If I could, I'd stay there forever. It was so comfortable. I wanted to get lost in the sensations so I wouldn't have to think of anything else.
"It's fine, I just didn't want us to go out upset," I murmured into his chest. I pull away slightly and give a smile. " Shall we get going?"
"We shall," he said dramatically, offering his hand. I intertwined my hand with his, and we started walking through the halls to go to the Black Lake. A couple more people were walking the halls, likely to go to the same destination as us. As we approached closer and closer, laughter and screams could be heard. As the two of us entered, my eyes widened at everyone AND everything there.
"Well..."
"Yea, I know..." I say in awe. "This is a HUGE step up from last year..." He hummed in response and accepted two cups of a drink from a fellow Slytherin girl, who was his friend. He quickly looked at the two drinks and put them both away on a table. "Wh- why'd you do that?"
"It's alcohol. You don't drink and I'm trying to quit drinking." I nervously laugh and nod.
"I'll get us something else..." I quickly walk away and go to the drink table. Making sure Mattheo wasn't looking in my direction, I quickly get a shot and put it down my throat. The warm, almost burning feeling, traveled down my throat as I relished in the feeling. I shook my head to clear my head for a minute and quickly took another one.
"Wow," a voice said. I moved my head to the side and quickly realized that was a mistake. "You've been pushed to drinking." Loren.
"Uhm..." I looked behind me again and picked up two cups of a drink. "I know he was kinda shitty to you, but please don't tell him?"
He gave a small smile and raised his cup in a toast. "Course' not." He took a sip and walked away. I took a sigh of relief at this and quickly dug through my pocket. I found a piece of gum and popped it in my mouth so that the smell of alcohol wouldn't be on my breath.
Mattheo was talking to a guy from Ravenclaw. He likely saw me coming from his peripheral vision and bid goodbye to the boy. "Thank you," he said while accepting the drink. "Who were you talking to over there?" Shit, he saw?
"Uhm... Loren," I hesitantly respond. He nodded, but it was clear he was holding back a few words. "We- we were just saying 'Hi,' it was nothing like that."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it," he brightly commented. "I trust you." That made my smile, but I also felt guilty, because I keeping major things from him. "I'll be back," he said. I was confused, but decided to just let him do whatever he needed to do.
When he was out of sight, I went back to the table and got myself another drink, careful to make sure it wasn't in a clear cup. I took one cup. Then another. AND another. I know it was stupid, especially considering how many people were around me and the fact that Mattheo would be back soon, but at that point, all reason and logic at flew out the window.
"Woah!" I turned around, cup in my hand. Everything was starting to distort. I loved it here. Being in this state of mind was like being in a different world. One where my thoughts could take a back seat. "Snow, what the fuck?"
"Oh, hi Mattheo." Oops. BUSTED. "D- don't mind all this, I was juzzz bored."
"I can see that," he said with slight irritability in his words. "W- ok, just..." He looked around, seeing that people were still being stupid and partying without a care in the world. "Since this is your first time getting drunk, we should probably get going... hangovers are not pretty," he explained.
"First time? As-" Even in my drunken state of mind, I remembered that Mattheo couldn't know about my drinking. "Well yea, I was bored."
"You already said that," he said, slightly annoyed.
"Right." He tried to prop his arms around my shoulders, likely to support me in walking, but I brushed it off and started walking towards the castle. "I can walk," I slurred slightly. And it was true, I could. Sure, I stumbled slightly, but I was definitely able to walk more than the average drunk person. I heard him hesitate behind me, but he followed either way.
"We're going to head to my dorm, you're going to sleep, and then we'll talk it out in the morning."
"Yes, sir!" I said jokingly, saluting him. I knew for a fact that my tone showed annoyance. "You know, we can just stay at the party a bit longer?"
He laughed, as if I just said some funny joke and put a hand on the small of my back. "Keep walking, love."
"You're no fun," I deadpan.
"Yeah yeah, tell that to me when you have a massive headache in the morning." I roll my eyes, but keep walking with him still holding me slightly. "I still don't understand why you of all people, decided to drink today, in front of so many dangerous people."
I groaned, but didn't respond. "Whatever, I just wanna sleep." I heard him chuckle slightly at that, as we neared near the Slytherin dormitories. When we entered, no one was in there, as everyone was still at the party. "See!" I exclaim. "No one is here! You and your worried ass dragged me back here... FOR NOTHING!"
"Yeah yeah, gotchu," he said, unbothered. He started gently pushing me upstairs, and towards his room. "Get something to wear from the closet, and freshen up in the restroom if you need too. I have an extra toothbrush for you. I'll be right back, I'm getting you water." As he leaves, I watch in somewhat disgust and somewhat in awe.
"Pfft, I'm not even that drunk..." When I open his closet, I see many black and grey hoodies and just grab one of them. It was my favorite one, but it was also his so he took it back, sadly. I found a random pair of shorts and then went to the restroom to freshen up. While in there, I heard him come back and sit on the bed, but I stayed inside.
It was burning hot, and he didn't have full sleeved shirts, meaning I'd have to roll up the sleeves of the hoodie to sleep. I had to do a spell. A spell to hide the appearance of my scars. With shaking hands, I pull out my wand and mutter a spell on my arms.
"Snow, you good in there?"
"Yeah!" I finish up quickly and then head outside the restroom and sit next to him on bed.
He handed me the water bottle he got. "Drink up."
"Thanks," I mutter. I take a few long drinks before closing the bottle and putting it on my bedside. "Night."
"Goodnight, Snow." He turned the lights off. He still stayed sitting in bed, but I was likely too drunk to really care. The last thing I felt were his lips on my forehead before I fell asleep.
In the Morning:
I wake up. No headache. Thank the lords. I look next to me and see Mattheo soundly sleeping. He has his arms around my waist, his face cuddled up into my chest. I smile at how comfortable it feels. I feel him rouse underneath me as I'm deep in my thoughts and he slowly gets up.
"Morning," he rasps. Goddamn, his morning voice is hot.
"Morning." I pray that I'm off the hook and that he won't question anything about last night. "Well, I should get going back to my dorm."
"Are you going to give me back that hoodie this time around?" He asked playfully. I look at him and shrug before getting up. "Why did you drink, last night?" Of course, he asked the dreaded question.
"Cause you pointed out how I don't drink, and I figured I might as well try," I say. "I mean, I'm almost 17."
"Ok, but Snow, please never do that again... I don't want you to go the same path as me." He sat up as well and pulled me into his chest. "I can't risk losing you like that." A pang of tears came to my eyes. I nodded yes into his chest, and he let go. "See you in class."
As I left, the guilt was spiraling in my again. He would never lose me. I won't let that happen. I won't let whatever I'm dealing with get in between my and any of my friendships and my relationship.
"Hey." I jumped, because I was pulled away from my thoughts and looked up to see Loren again. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." He leaned against the wall facing me, and had a slight smile on his face. "How are you, you know, from yesterday?"
I hesitated for a moment before answering. "Uhm, I'm okay. I'm okay, yeah. Not hungover, so that's good I guess."
"Snow... look, I know I wasn't the smartest in the past, but I'm not stupid."
Not really true, you were clever as fuck.
"It's obvious. You've been drinking for a while. Perhaps even for months. That's why you're not hungover, despite having so much yesterday, and why you had a pretty damn high tolerance." I sighed and shook my head.
"I- it's complicated, Loren. Please, don't tell anyone. I know I'm the last person who should be asking you for favors, but-"
He shook his head and smiled again. "It's a secret. See you around." He began walking away, making me fell more stupid. Ok, Loren figuring it out was fine. He's clever. He doesn't really have much to gain from telling others. But Mattheo ABSOLUTELY, 100% cannot find out.
I started walking back to the Gryffindor dormitories, carefully observing the hallways as I went along. The intricate designs distracted me in such a way, it was almost as if I was in a museum. Next to me, was THE bathroom. The one where the Chamber of Secrets were revealed. The one where Ginny almost died. The one where I almost used the Cruciatus curse on Tyler...
The Cruciatus curse... All the dread that was being held back suddenly all flooded into my head. "Fuck fuck fuck!" I remember Moody teaching us... or more like Barty Crouch Junior that only those who were truly evil at their core could do the curse. And right at that moment, when I began to cast the spell, I felt the power at my finger tips. The urge I felt to make him feel an ounce of the pain he caused me. It was all to real. In fact, if I thought about it too much, I could still feel it, right at my fingertips. How could I be so willing to torture someone? Harm someone? My thoughts were all jumbling into one. My breath was becoming rapid. I rushed into the empty bathroom and sat at on the ground out of sight of the door and got my knife out. I needed to center my thoughts, and right now, with all my thoughts running free, I couldn't focus on myself and I couldn't calm myself. Tears were coming out my eyes as I pulled up the loose shorts and slowly dug the knife in my inner thigh.
"FUCK!" I muttered out in slight pain. But as I slightly dug more and more and went to another spot in my inner thigh, it was different. Sure, there was some agony, but I could think. I could feel. It had centered me. And while I was able to think clearly now, I hated myself even more for having to resort to THIS, to center my thoughts.
The thought of that made my cry more and dig the knife into my skin again. And again.
Well... it took so long for me to write the 5000 word chapter and I'm so sorry for that. Like literally so sorry. I tried to get it done but i had writers block and i just wanted it to be as good as I could make it.
I think we can all agree that Snow is acting VERY different from her usual self. Sadly, she's not doing to good mentally. A lot of her behaviors (anger at friends, family, etc, are based on my experiences with mental challenges so hopefully sum of u like it :))
Loren's coming through again lmfaoooo
Word Count: 5184