Eight years, eight full years of crying for him, blaming myself for his disappearance, avoiding to mention the word 'death' and his name in the same sentence because I refused to accept the fact that I'll never see him again,or at least I thought it would be like that.
I think my eyes are deceiving me,I think my whole brain is,why wouldn't it? I've been popping antidepressants like tic-tacs for days now and I'm pretty sure that one of the side effects is feeling completely fried and out of it,the saddest part is that it doesn't even phase me anymore.
This isn't the first hallucination I had but it's definitely the weirdest one, it's making me feel different,to be specific it's making me feel hope and happiness,when usually,all I ever felt was an anxious icky feeling in my chest,I think some would call that shock or the good old fear.
He looks different than what I remember, I can tell he's really a product of my imagination by the way his face is glowing.His complexion is pale but radiant,with faint dark circles forming under his tired eyes.
God,he looks so real.
A small smile creeps on his face and I feel my stomach turn.It feels so real.
I close my eyes and inhale sharply.
"You're not here,this is from medication and sleep deprivation, you're not here,you are not-"
"No more sleep deprivation, sweetheart."My eyes fly open as his voice sends cold chills through my whole body.
"W-what?"I stutter.
He takes a step forward and I take a step back, frightened.
"You're not real."
"I am."He utters with his deep voice as he stares at me pleadingly, the white in his eyes now turned a light shade of red.
"You-you are not real!! This is from the medication-"
He takes another step forward and grabs my arm roughly, pulling me towards him until my head hits his chest.I began squirming but his big arms wrap around me, holding me in place.
Only then I realized that this wasn't the side effect of my medication,nor was it the outcome of my sleepless nights,he was actually here, standing in front of me.
"Adelaine,baby, it's me."He whispers in my ear hurriedly, sounding panicked.
"I know you're afraid,mad,sad even,but please keep your voice down or they'll hear you, okay? Can you do that for me,baby?"
I inhale sharply and feel my knees buckle under me, shock overtaking my whole body as I nearly collapse again,but this time he's there to hold me.
My face is buried in the crook of his neck, allowing me to inhale his scent,it didn't change not one bit, it's still as alluring as it once was, so comforting and strong, it's shaking me back to reality.
"Adelaine,say something, please."He begs,and I pull away staring at him in shock.Tears are sliding down his cheeks as he looks into my eyes, waiting for me to say something,but only a quiet sob escapes my lips.
I can't even feel my body,I feel like I'm on a floating cloud that's about to disappear and I'll fall right through it...this doesn't feel real,I don't feel real.
I'm not believing my own eyes,or my ears,or these bodily sensations I'm getting,it has to be a lie.
"It's not the medication, I'm really here"He says,like he sensed my overthinking.
He's really here?
I hold my breath as I stretch my hand out, slowly placing it on his cheek.I don't know why I expected my fingers to pass right through his face,maybe because all my hallucinations work like that, but not this one, because it's real.
A smile creeps on his lips and he puts his hand on top of mine, leaning into my touch.
"I missed you so much,Adelaine, please forgive me,I will explain everything and I promise I didn't want to be away from you—"Another sob escapes my lips and I throw my arms around him.
I'm supposed to be pissed right now, I shouldn't even be allowing him to talk to me let alone touch me,but I can't, I've missed him too much to question him.
"Why—why did you do this to me? W-why did–"
"I can explain everything, just please calm down,I promise it will all make sense once I explain it"He whispers in my ear and puts his arms around my waist, lifting me off the ground.
"You're shaking so much,are you cold?"
"I'm scared."
He sits down on the porch swing and wraps his arms around me tightly"Scared of me?"
"Scared that this is all a dream, that you're not really here."
He lets out a small chuckle and kisses the side of my head"I'm right here, sweetheart,I know you're going to be so mad at me when the shock wears off but I didn't plan to come back like this,I was waiting for the right time,took me longer than expected."
I pull away and look at him through blurry eyes,he wipes my tears with his thumbs and cups my face, looking at me as if he's relieved to see me"I was always here,you just couldn't see me,well you saw me once,on the street."
I blink in confusion and then it hits me.He was the mysterious looking man I saw on the road yesterday,aka the reason why I took a double dose of my medication and had insane hot flashes.
"That was you? What were you doing here? And why were you dressed like that?"He adjusts under me and puts his hands on my hips, my whole body tensing under his touch.
"I'll tell you everything right now if you want, you're just going to have to...sit beside me."He clears his throat and I shake my head.
"I don't want to,why?"
He smirks,his grip on my hips tightening"I know it's a bad time but I haven't done a damn thing for years,and watching you from a distance has been a damn torture."A smile forms on my lips.
"You didn't stop loving me?"His eyes darken and he shakes his head, looking offended.
"Don't ask me that shit,why would I ever stop loving you?"
I swallow hard"Because you left me."
He presses his lips together, regret filling his eyes. I don't know what to say without sounding like I am guilt tripping him, making him feel bad for leaving me,but it's true,he did leave,he did hurt me,he left me with two kids,no matter what the reason is it doesn't hurt me any less,nor is it making things easier.
I don't know what to say,I don't even know if he's actually here right now,it can always be a vivid dream.
We stare at each other in choking silence before I clear my throat.
I refuse to calm down and pretend everything is okay just because he's back, that would be insane.
"I'm waiting for an explanation,and I'm not moving either, start talking."I demand, crossing my arms.An impressive smirk appears on his face and he runs his hands down my arms.
"I missed your attitude the most, I missed touching you and having you in my arms...you haven't changed one bit, still the same soft skin and beautiful face–"
"You're stalling on purpose and I know it, it's been years and you still haven't learned how to get to the point,are you planning on telling me the truth or should I just go find out myself?"I snap, pushing his hands away and getting off his lap.
"You were gone for years and now you think you can just show up? Not giving me an explanation? You're just stalling here,you haven't changed–"
He stands up and pulls me by my robe,my chest hitting his,the hardness of them taking me by surprise.
Of course he had time to workout,he wasn't the one going crazy all this time.
"You have every right to be mad at me, but for your sake listen to me first,then you can decide what part of the story you can be mad at the most."He says, almost jokingly.
I try to squirm out of his arms but he chuckles and wraps his arms around my waist.
"Angel,I know you missed me and I know you're curious about what happened, please stop squirming."
"No, you're wrong,I just realized that you're expecting me to act like nothing happened,you always did that—"
"No, Adelaine,sit and listen-"
"Absolutely not,let me to-"
"Stop cutting me off."
"You started it first."
He rolls his eyes and pulls me down on the swing, squatting between my legs"You were hugging me ten minutes ago and now you're mad, why?"
"Because you keep stalling and I'm sick of waiting,you didn't plan on coming back yet,I saw it by the way you looked at me when I walked out,I clearly don't mean anything to you,neither do the kids,if you cared one bit you would have told me you're in trouble and that you need to keep your distance,but you decided to fake your...leaving."
It's been so long and I still refuse to say the word "death", something so natural and expected yet I'm terrified of it,I wasn't once,then after everything that happened with Kingston I realized how, no matter how much you are aware of death,the arrival of it still shocks you,it can happen any minute to anyone,I guess my mind convinced me that the less I talk about it the less it will happen to people.
"You still can't say the word death? Nasius told me you refused to talk about anything related to it,the whole family had to stop bringing it up around you."
I offer him a faint nod and lean back, looking anywhere but his face.
"Yup."I reply, dryly.
He puts his hands on my knees and gives them a light squeeze."I'm going to tell you everything,are you ready?"