Staring at my diplomas and photos of me with various celebrities- I feel broken inside.
Demoted.
Hmmph...demoted because I pulled a Max.
Because I cared too much.
Because I wanted to make a bloody difference for once in my life.
I can't believe it.
It hurts so terribly.
Brantley really had it out for me- but how did she know?
How did she know I took my patient to a safe injection sight?
There's something else I'm missing.
Someone else at play here.
"Helen!! I came as soon as I heard! If Brantley thinks she can demote you and strip your titles from you then she and the board have another thing coming...."
"She can and she already has, Max." I say and look at him sorrowfully.
"No...I won't allow this- you did nothing wrong. I will go back to the board..."
"It was unanimous. Honestly Max, I'm lucky I wasn't fired." He comes up towards me and becomes all defensive.
"Fire you?! You think I would let that happen? If they're demoting you then they can demote me too and..."
"Oh stop it Max! I don't need you coming in here acting all tough and brave and trying to purge yourself and fix everything- I just need time to think." I say and his head cocks to the side.
"Think...think about what?" His confusion hurts me. I've been by his side loyally for over nearly two years now and he has yet to actually notice me and how I feel towards him.
He's beyond oblivious and yet completely complicit.
Telling me sweet nothings all the time like they're factual little nuggets he would tell anyone.
"What...what am I still doing here?"
"I can fix this. We can get your chair back, deputy- in the meantime time there's your programs, your patients need you here...I...I need you here." There's that small glimmer of need and want- but very little truth behind it.
"And what about what I need?" His big blue eyes widen with confusion and pain. "Cause I don't think I'm going to find it at New Amsterdam."
"A...are you...are you seriously...con...considering leaving?" He's so close to me that I can see a small shake run through him as his body tries to stiffen up and play brave as he waits for my answer.
"I'm...I'm looking for a reason to stay....and right now...I can't find one." Walking past him, I can't look in his eyes any more. It hurts too much and I know my words have only hurt him just as bad.
"Helen..." He turns and looks at me deep in my eyes and I feel I may just break.
"Max...just...please go. I...I don't have anything more to say..."
"Is...is it m..."
"Please, Max—I don't want to..."
Reveal how I have always felt about you.
Admit my guilt to living while your wife died.
To loving your daughter as she was my own.
And dreaming of you every waking and sleeping hour.
"How can I fix this...how can I h..."
"By leaving. Just go-Max...please." He searches my eyes and sighs heavily before turning to head to the door. Once there, he turns back and opens his mouth to speak, but thinks better of it.
For once in his life.
As I begin to go through the files on my desk, I watch Castro walk past my room, calling for Max.
She makes me sick.
Threatening me for half my department so Max will get treated.
I bet she turned me over to Brantley.
She has motive too.
She hates me for firing her a long time ago.
And then I had to go and hire her back.
I'm not the least bit surprised in her betrayal.
Clever girl.
She truly got me this time.
And sadly, I have to say she has won.
I don't want to stick around a place I've been demoted from.
To be looked down at and disgraced.
Sure, Max thinks he could bring me back up- make everything better for me...but his ambition and charm can only stretch so far and unfortunately, Brantley isn't a big fan of his as it is and is hardly going to bend over backwards to hear him out.
She hates me as much as Valentina Castro and I have no doubt, in a matter of time I will be fired from this place as well.
So might as well just jump to it and file my resignation.
The only reason I would ever stay at the Dam is because of Max.
I came back for him.
Twice.
I would give everything I have to make him happy, healthy, and safe within arms reach.
Even if it meant risking my life.
"Code Silver- please go to the nearest room and lock the doors."
The PA system blares and my body shakes.
Silver...combative person with a fire arm.
Shit.
Shit this is not good.
The alarm continues to go off with the same safety instructions and my heart is in my throat. Going to all my patients rooms, I make sure they are locked in and when I arrive at Astrid's room. She is one of my most critical patients and she needs constant care.
"Dr. Sharpe?!"
"We need to get you out of here. You need to get to Baptist." I state and pull a wheelchair from the corner of the room.
"But...but the code..."
"It's alright. I won't let anything happen to you- but we have to move quickly before they start shutting down the elevators." She struggles to get out of bed, but she hurries the best she can. Getting her in, I grab her chart and hand it to her. Racing her out of the room- the nurses watch me from rooms and I ignore their calls of disapproval.
"Helen? What are you doing? Get in a room- now!" Valentina says as she's about to shut her door.
"Unlike some- I'm taking care of patients needs before my own. Something you can hardly say you know about." I snap quickly before racing to the elevator. Pressing the down button, we wait and the code still sounds over the PA and I can tell Astrid is becoming more nervous the longer we wait. "It's almost here. Don't worry."
Just as I finish saying it, the door opens up and we rush inside and hit the ground level.
"Dr. Sharpe- what's going to happen?"
"Well...police will be shutting the building down very shortly I presume...and they will slowly corner who ever is doing this. But to be on the safe side, I need to get you evacuated to Baptist." I state and the doors open up, I run us down the hall and around the corner to the lobby- where I find Max speaking with a police officer. "Max! I need to get my patient to Baptist- she needs constant care!"
"Basement-come with me- we're diverting our sickest patients out." He states confidently and my only thought is what about Luna. That poor baby girl.
Max should be with her.
They should be at home.
Eating cheerios and watching some silly colorful cartoon that makes Luna go nuts.
My heart races at the thought of what could happen.
"Helen?"
"What?" I mindlessly ask as we hustle down the hallway to the service elevator.
"How are you doing?" He nervously asks and I blink a few times and I can tell he is slowly unraveling...just a tad.
"Perfect. You?"
"Yeah...same." He says and Astrid looks between us.
"Dr. Sharpe- are you coming to Baptist with me?"
"No...I have everyone else to look after. But you will be just fine, my dear. I promise you. Everyone will be just fine." When I say it, I feel a sharp pain in my chest as I feel Max's eyes on me.
I feel there's nearly a thousand patients and nurses down in the basement tunnel, funneling out to the waiting ambulances and taxis. I could so easily just slip out with Astrid or anyone else. It would be simple.
Max got caught up back near the entrance near the service elevator and I notice him from afar looking slightly disheveled and worried.
I hardly blame him.
He should be getting out.
With Luna.
But he'll never leave.
This is his hospital.
It means the world to him and no one will take it from him.
Not without a fight.
Over his dead body.
"Max..." I come up to him and he seems relieved. "How did this happen?"
"Helen! Jackie from Riker's..."
"Max! We need you over here." The female officer calls to him and he turns back to me.
"I know you have no reason to be here and it's not your responsibility any more and you should go and get to safety..."
"I'm not leaving, Max. I'll keep things moving down here- you go." I say confidently and his whole body drops in relief. Nodding thanks, he turns and heads back down the hallway to the police.
I continue moving all patients and staff that are leaving.
In my heart, I know Max should be one of them.
I have it in my mind to just go grab him and Luna and tug them out of here.
Thought of anything happening to either of them is a knife to my heart. They are my world and I don't know why.
I've given Max nothing.
I've kept him at arms length this entire time and yet he wormed his way in and Luna is no exception.
That little girl is my munchkin.
Though I have no actual claim to possessing her.
I love them both.
I would do anything for them and I may never get the chance to tell them that.
"That's the last patient, Dr. Sharpe..."A young nurse from the ED tells me through chattering teeth.
"Go. Get out of here." I state and she quietly thanks me and starts running to catch up with the others. Turning just in time, I find Max. "That's the last of them."
"Security asked me to clear the Oncology Department." His voice is low and anxious.
"I'll come with you." We move as one and turn on our heels to head back upstairs- but he suddenly stops at a crossways and I run into his back. "Max...."
"Look..." He crouched down and shines his light on what is so obviously blood. We slowly follow it down the darkened hallway and I eerily feel as though this is a trap. Once we follow it to an open door, we spot a patient on her back in the middle of a storage room of boxed medical equipment.
"Are you alright?! What happened?!" I ask the young Latina and she raspily answers.
"I got separated from my group and wound up in here..." She's bleeding profusely. I look at Max and he knows it isn't good.
"We need to get her out of here." He says.
"She tore her stitches open. We need to get her packed or she'll be dead and not going anywhere." I state and he stares at me for a moment- contemplating what to do. "Max?"
"I'll go get supplies and we can get her up to Reynolds in the OR." He finally speaks before getting up and rushing out of the room. Once he's gone, I check the girls pulse and notice she has a dark purple band around it.
"What um...what happened to your wrist band?" I ask and she seems nervous.
"I thought I was getting out of here...thought I didn't need it any more." Looking at her other wrist- it's the same thing.
"You're from the prison...aren't you?" I bravely ask and she cries slightly.
"I swear- I didn't have any part in this plan."
"What plan..."
"To get that prisoner who turned State's witness. I swear...I didn't have any part in this. They just stabbed me at the prison and took me along. I just want to get out of here...I don't want my daughter to think I'm apart of this..."
"It's okay...I believe you...we will get you stitched up and..."
"No...if you fix me up- they'll send me back and I'm dead...they'll kill me too." I continue to hold pressure on her wound and I soon hear footsteps approaching. It has to be Max, so I stand up.
"Max! Did you warn Reynolds? Did you get the supplies.." He walks in all stiff and tries not to seem startled at all.
"No..." His voice is so quiet and deep that it immediately tells me somethings up. Before I can even ask, Jackie comes walking in with a gun pointed directly at his head.
"Can you walk?" She angrily asks the girl on the floor and I feel my entire body seize up.
"I don't know...why..."
"Dr. Goodwin has a plan." Jackie says hastily.
"I'm getting you both out of here." His voice is so quiet and calm- yet I feel his anxiety when he looks into my eyes.
He's beyond scared and frankly so am I.
"Jackie, she needs to have surgery. She can't just..."
"I don't care about her!" Jackie yells and gets closer to Max- actually putting the gun against the back of his head. His eyes squeeze shut and he brutes his lower lip as he holds his breath.
"Stop! Okay....okay...let's just get you out of here then." I say frantically and move towards her- which takes the gun from Max to focusing on me.
That's it.
If I just keep it away from Max-it'll be alright.
We get the other girl up on her feet and we start walking down the basement hallway. The whole way we're going, Max stays extremely close to my side, his pinky at one point interlaces around mine and I squeeze it to let him know I'm not going anywhere.
"Jackie...why would you do this? You were so helpful earlier and..." I begin and she snaps slightly.
"Don't act like you know me! I take orders from her group, she rewards me- I get what I want and it all trickles downward. Every body has a price and everybody gets what they need." Jackie spouts and our phone ping the second we get service back. "Hey! Take their phones! Read them!"
We hand the other girl our phones and she sighs.
"They're both the same. It says the surgery was delayed but ultimately a success."
"Fran failed. She didn't get it done. We have to go back in."
"No! I said I can get you out...I can't get you back in there- there are armed guards everywhere and..." Max begins to argue and Jackie pulls the gun right out to his face and I jump in front.
"I CAN TAKE YOU THERE!!!" I yell and Max's hands come to my waist and he literally tries to move me away from the gun's point. "I know a back way! I'll take you myself—we can avoid the guards!"
"Well then let's go, Dr. Sharpe." Jackie says and puts the gun to my head and guides me. Max follows and tries to get back up next to me. We walk back towards the other basement entrance and in my mind I'm trying to plan out how to get Max away from this psychotic woman safely. I just need him to go. I need him to run as far away from here as possible.
"Helen...what are you doing?"
"Do you trust me?" I ask him and he just glances at me for a few moments.
"This isn't about trust. This is about..."
"It is completely about trust and if you can't do that...then I truly do not belong here." I say and we come near the breezeway. "We just have to go through these doors and to the other side."
I state and Jackie pushes me along with the gun. Entering the. Reese way, we find a single guard, who stares us down.
"We have a patient that needs to get to the O.R as soon as possible."I say once more. He watches us and exams all four of us, contemplating my words.
"He's the medical director...Dr. Max Goodwin."
I state and look at Max, who after a few minutes pulls his badge up and sighs.
"Let us through...please." He states and the officer waits a moment before stepping aside. We slowly make our way across the breezeway and as we reach the other side-I'm hoping my plan worked. We stand at the doors for a second and I look deep into Max's eyes.
"Do you trust me?" I ask once more and doesn't hesitate.
"With my life." As we push open the doors, Max yells to the surround officers, whose backs were to our door. "Gun! Gun!"
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Jackie pull the trigger right at Max- I don't hesitate.
Not even for a second, I step in front and shove Max as hard as I can to the side so he is out of range.
And I feel it.
I feel the bullet enter my forehead and leave the opposite side.
"NO!!!!!!!!!" I hear Max yell in pain.
More guns go off and I drop to the ground.
...........................
Beeeeeeep.... beeeeeeeep..... beeeeeeep
Opening my eyes- I'm surrounded by blackness and I find I'm all alone.
"I...I stepped in front of a loaded gun...for Max..." I say blankly, a small smile coming to my face. "Twice...I didn't think twice..."
"And look what happened." The other me shows up and shakes her head.
"He's alive..."
"And you're as good as dead."
"But he's alive. He trusted me with his life and I didn't let him down." I say proudly and yet full of remorse.
"Yeah...feel that? That's sorrow- because you permanently lost him- you daft fool." The other me growls and simply lays on the floor- staring up into the black void as though by some miracle it changes the facts we already know to be true. "Was it worth it?"
I don't say anything and she continues.
"Was it worth knowing that you died without ever hearing him say how he feels about you? You'll never know if he ever loved you or not...if he ever could. Was it worth it...knowing you'll never be able to tell him everything you've done has been for him. How much you love him and his daughter. Was. It. Worth. It?"
"Yes."
She shoots up in her spot and glares at me angrily.
"Really?! You think it was!!!!???!!! Losing your life for him! Knowing you loved him more than your own life and he never felt the same way nor would he ever do what you did for him for you!!!" She goes off and stands up- fuming mad that my emotions pretty much killed us. "You're a blithering fool!! You took a bullet for him and..."
"And if that doesn't tell him how much I loved him...then he's the idiot."
"Oh my God. You have completely lost your Goddamn mind! I don't believe it! I was better off not knowing why we lay here in the dark going insane!!! I wish we never looked! I wish we just believed it was some weird act of God and never find comfort for it!!! That would've been better than this bullshit."
"I don't know why you're acting like this. You love him just as much as I do."
"But I wouldn't die for him!!! I wouldn't be stupid enough to walk in front of a loaded gun and pretty much say to the wielder- go ahead, shoot me. Love prevails me—no!!! Absolutely not!"
"You're wrong....because you made the same choice I had."
"No." She refutes and I look deep into her eyes.
"Yes. You did."
"No! I most certainly did not!"
"You did because you stepped in front first. When Jackie needed to go back in and Max said no- you, logic- stepped in front and came up with the plan to lead them to the guards. You did that. The second one...sure...that was all me. All emotion. But it truly doesn't matter...because as you so kindly pointed out before all this- we are the same person. I just keep you around to feel not so crazy- but I'm all of this. I am you and me and Max and anyone else who decides to show up in this blank empty space that is nothingness. And do you know what?"
"What?" She grumbles with her arms crossed.
"It was worth dying for. He was worth dying for...and I would do it every time." Closing my eyes, I lay down like she had earlier. After a few moments, I open them and stare up at the vast emptiness. "Now...if you're quite satisfied...leave me. I wish to be alone with my memories of him. For however long I have."
I close my eyes and the beeping of the monitor on the outside keeps a slow steady rhythm as I lay there.
I'm okay with this.
I'm okay dying this way.
Knowing I saved the love of my life without a second thought.
And so what if he would never do the same for me.
He was my reason.
The reason I would've continued to stay at the Dam.
He and Luna.
It was worth it.