Mae
The feeling of my chest burning as I watched Grayson, or Gray, talk to Katie West doesn't subdue. Even now as I lay in the back of an old Ford-F150 pick up truck that Kai's older brother handed down to him before running out of town.
His body is pressed on top of me, his large frame engulfing nearly the entire back seat and as much as I used to enjoy this feeling, I'm nothing but numb now. He brings his mouth to mine, his kisses are hot and hurried, sliding from my mouth to my cheek and down to my neck. I cringe, fisting his shirt, trying to shut off my mind and the endless images that are burned there. I need Kai to clear my mind, to erase the pain and hurt.
I pull on his shirt, signaling for him to take it off. He laughs softly. "Eager girl, aren't you?"
I don't say anything, don't trust myself not to crumble and fall apart all over his floor. His midnight black head brushes against the roof of the car, his dark, blue eyes blown wide with lust. He licks his lips as he looks down at me, the white top I was wearing now discarded on his floor and leaving me in my black bra. He reaches behind his neck and pulls his shirt up.
I try not to gape, not to ogle the man I am about to use for my own selfish reason. But that was why we did this, we both had demons that neither of us were brave enough to face. We found comfort in this, in our routine. It was safe.
He comes back down on top of me, the warmth of his skin, soothing the chill that has settled in the truck. We parked tucked away off a small trail in the woods, blanketed by nothing but foliage and the few wild animals that strolled by. He's back to my mouth, urgently pressing his lips to mine, his breathing rough.
He pulls back and gives me a grin, any other instance and I would have swooned, but right now I need more than that. His mouth finds the exposed skin above my bra. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the images of Grayson that have suddenly appeared. The worry in his eyes, the warmth in his voice, the way he was concerned about my lack of sleep. Jesus, was that all it took for me to be weak? Suddenly, I feel sick.
"Kai?" I try pushing against his chest, but he's back to my mouth, gnawing on my lip and trying to press for more. "Kai," I saw firmly, pushing harder against his chest.
"Please," he groans, breathes, then stills. "Shit, sorry."
He presses up and I use the little space to scramble back, pressing into the door on the other side as I lean my head back. I look at Kai, his brows furrowed in confusion.
"What's wrong?" He asks, his voice gravely and deep and my stomach is sinking because this is what I wanted. My eyes sting with tears and I'm angrily wiping them away but, Kai is faster, his hands framing my face as he uses his thumbs to wipe the tears away. "Shit, Mae, did I hurt you?"
I give a watery laugh because no, he didn't hurt me. Quite the opposite actually. It's the kindest and most gently anyone has been to me in the past month and I'm filled deep with regret for making him come out here just to fall apart.
"Hey, how about I take you out, I've missed you and didn't expect you to actually take me up on my offer." He slides his shirt back on and looks at me.
My face is on fire and I fully expect the Earth to open up and swallow me then and there. Anything to not live through this painfully embarrassing experience.
Kai was one of the rare friends I managed to make and keep after attending Seaview High. He was kind, smart and a little bit sporty, but he was always a good time. We had fallen into each other after I was having a shouting match with someone from Katie's group. They were pissed I had torn down their posters asking for votes for prom queen. They called me names and spread rumors about going all the way with a bunch of random guys. It was humiliating to say the least.
Kai had stepped in, calling them a bunch of good for nothing assholes who picked on people weaker than them because they were scared to face the ugly inside them. From that day, I had clung to him, giving him my first kiss and all the firsts there after. I imagine if I wasn't so riddled with the burdens of life my mother has so gratefully bestowed upon me, he and I would be together. We'd be travelling around the world, going to all the beaches he likes to surf and seeing all the places where the sun manages to kiss his skin.
We hadn't talked in a few months since he had left to chase his dreams of being a surfer and moved to Huntington Beach. I had missed him and now, being pressed into the back door, overwhelmed by the sea salt smell that seems to be infused into his tanned skin, the feeling was consuming me.
"That would be nice," I whisper. He nods, helping me find my shirt and climbing out the back door and hurrying to my door, carefully opening the door as to not cause me to tumble out.
He leads me to the passenger side, opening the door, his strong hand on my hip as I settle in my seat and he leans over to buckle me in. He makes his way to his own seat, a lazy grin on his face, his cheeks pink from the heat of the past five minutes as he carefully backs us up and back onto the trail.
₊˚ ‿︵‿︵‿︵୨୧ · · ♡ · · ୨୧‿︵‿︵‿︵ ˚₊
We're sitting outside, at a small wooden table, at the Crestview Golf Club. Kai is engulfed in his menu but I can't help the feeling of not belonging here. Old men showing dazzling, white teeth while their wives with equally as polished mouths clutch their husband's arms, their necks covered in diamonds and pearls I could only dream of.
It's Tuesday today, the last day they're open for Dinner until seven and Kai decided this would be a good place to catch up. His dad has a membership and while I knew Kai was no stranger to money, I never imagined he had Golf Club Membership money.
A waitress comes up to us, her blonde hair is pulled into a slick, low bun, her cheeks are high and sharp, dusted with a rosy pink and tan from working the patio from the summer. Her blue eyes are sharp, even behind the glasses I know are too expensive for just anyone. She's ethereal.
Her eyes narrow on me before making their way to Kai who still pours over the menu. "Kai?" She says, eyes widening.
He looks up, eyebrows raising and his own eyes wide as he registers the girl, he stands, "Ginny?" She makes her way over, hugging him. They stay like that for a breath too long and I'm all too aware that my jaw is slack. I click my teeth shut, indulging in my own menu.
"Oh, my god, it's been way too long. Where have you been?" She isn't as subtle about her ogling as I had been. I know Kai is attractive, it's part of the reason why we work. We're both attracted to each other and aren't afraid of it. I'm just more scared of commitment.
His body is leaner than when we were in high school, another random growth spurt and he was now teetering on the edge of being six foot three. He is all tanned skin, corded muscles, and a heart stopping smile. He smells of the ocean and seemed to carry it in his blue, blue eyes. He is jaw dropping.
"I know, I moved to Huntington Beach after graduation, wanted to chase the waves," he says casually. "I see you're working for your old man."
There's a pause. "Yeah, haven't decided if college is the thing for me or if I just want to take this over." I imagine this meant the golf club her dad apparently owned.
They chat for a little while longer before she's asking if we're ready to order, casually brushing over my existence.
"Oh, this is Mae, an old friend from Seaview." He points to me and I try not to shrink under her scrutinizing gaze.
"Oh yes, Mae, it's lovely to meet you," she says, her smile too tight for her perfect face.
"I'm ready when you are," Kai says, his full attention now on me.
I order a Doctor Pepper and the Crestview Burger, asking for the guac on the side. Kai gets the BLT club and a basket of fries for us to share.
When Ginny finally leaves, Kai is looking at me expectantly. I swallow my water, trying to avoid his gaze, but it sears the side of my head.
"What?"
He smiles, "You're just as gorgeous as ever, Mae."
I stop and stare at him, narrowing my eyes before he's cracking up. I roll my eyes. "Sorry, sorry, that was awful, I know you don't like sentiments, but I mean it. You look great. How's Ash?"
My stomach flips at the mention of my brother's name. I had forgot to text him that I'd be home late tonight, but he knew if I wasn't there by a certain time, he could take refuge at our elderly neighbor's house. She didn't mind, having known both Ash and I since we were bumbling toddlers. Plus, she appreciated having a man in the house since her husband had passed away a few months prior.
"He's fine, he's a junior at Seaview now," I say. I would have ran the moment I had a chance but Ash had to finish school and Maybel dying had set me up to be the primary caretaker of the library her and her side of the family owned in part with the town. I was stuck here for at least another year and I didn't know how much more I could take.
"That's good, your mom the same?" I don't answer, catching a glimpse of Ginny as she makes her way over with my drink. I hungrily take a sip as soon as she sets it down, the sugary syrup and all twenty six flavors instantly soothing me.
"Yeah, she's same old same old. I'm thinking of leaving someday. Tell me about California, what's it like?" I want this conversation away from me and the bad things that happen here. I need to get carried away somewhere else, and right now living vicariously through Kai, was how I was going to achieve that.
"Oh," he says eyebrows raising in surprise. "Where would you go?"
I think about my aunt, Janine, who lives in La Conner. Her small, quaint house with its fresh baby pink paint, how it sits by the marina that I visited a few times before Mom's drinking made her stop caring about seeing her sister. How every morning she made the best pancakes and we ate until we were so full she had to practically roll us to the couch. I think about the Salish Sea and how close it is to Canada, the thrill of being able to just leave the country too much to contain.
"I think, I'd go North," I say with a smile.
Kai talks for most of our early dinner, the sun begins to set and I'm grateful I didn't have to do much talking. I finish the last bite of my burger, and I'm about to wave over Ginny to ask for our check, when someone calls my name.
"Mae?" I turn, squinting through the darkening light as a figure with curling brown hair and hazel eyes makes his way over. Shit.
"Oh, hey, Grayson," I saw quietly. He steps next to me, his black shirt, that says "May the Force be With You" in large, block print, is clinging to every inch of his skin so deliciously and he wears pants that sit low on his hips with beat up converse.
Kai looks between us, but Grayson is already stretching out his hand, "Hey, I'm Gray, I just started at the library this week."
"Hey, man, nice to meet you." Kai looks to me, "You still running that dump?" He teases, a boyish smile takes over his face.
I roll my eyes and cross my arms over my chest and huff. "It's not a dump, it has character."
"Right, the character of a dumpster," Kai deadpans. I glare at him as he laughs, Grayson looking slightly awkward.
"I didn't mean to interrupt your date," Grayson says. His eyes hooded as he begins to turn. Before I can think, I'm reaching up and touching his arm, stopping him in his tracks.
"Oh, no, this isn't" I wave at our messy table and the automatic candle lights that are on now. It definitely looks like a date, and I don't know why I need to clarify that it's not to Grayson, but I do. I sigh, "It's not a date, old friend from school. He's in town for the summer, so we were catching up."
Grayson nods, that furrow between his brows. "Oh, okay, where from?"
"Huntington Beach," Kai responds. Ginny finally makes her way over to use, slipping the small paper receipt to Kai and whispering something that makes his eyes wide before glaring at me and turning to leave.
Grayson seems to ignore her, his eyes still on me despite the fact that Kai was responding now. "Oh, yeah, I just transferred from UCLA, you're a little further south than I was."
"What are you studying," I find myself asking.
"Aerospace Engineering, I'm gonna finish the last of my prerequisites here and then I'll jump ship and find somewhere else for my master's."
I contemplate that. "Why are you at the golf club?" I ask him. He's dressed more casual than I am and seems to be alone.
"Oh, I'm meeting Katie, her mom is a board member here and she offered to be my ride to Bayshore." My stomach sinks at her name.
"Right," I say. I watch as Kai slips the receipt into his pocket and make a move to stand. I stand too, careful not to bump into Grayson as we prepare to leave.
"I think I see her now," Grayson says, his eyes pointed at something inside the golf club. "I'll see you tomorrow," he says with one final look.
I ignore the pang in my heart and the food I ate earlier threatens to come up. Kai doesn't say anything as we make our way back to his truck.
"He was nice," Kai says softly, when we finally reach his silver truck. I look back at him, my hand frozen on the passenger door handle. "Smart kid, Aerospace Engineering?" He whistles.
I shoo him and climb inside the truck just as he runs off to his side. We make our way back to the library, my stuff from earlier long forgotten in the back room. I tell Kai to wait a second before I return with my bag and a light sweater that I kept for night chills.
The drive home is quiet, Kai rubs soothing circles on my thigh, his face lit by the small radio. We don't say anything for a long while, my head lulls against the window as we cruise down the empty road, our path lit by nothing but the headlights.
"What did Ginny say to you?" I ask before I can stop myself.
His rubbing on my hand stops and suddenly, I'm wishing for it back. Get a grip, Mae.
"She said, 'I'll make your tab free if you come with me to the beach later'. and a few other things I'd rather not ruin this night with ," he glances at me.
I huff and close my eyes, regretting ever asking. Everyone seems to be going to this damn beach. I don't wish I was invited, I don't wish that I knew the other things Ginny had told Kai to get him to look so shocked and I certainly don't wish that the Earth would really open up and swallow me whole.