"Noon."
I looked up when I heard Ms. Pram's voice calling my name. I had been waiting for her inside a café as I couldn't bear to meet her at the company building.
In her hand was the envelope I had asked her to bring. She was holding it tightly, her eyes fixed on me.
I gave her a smile before gesturing for her to sit in the chair in front of me. "I already ordered you a drink, Ms. Pram. It's your favorite," I told her.
She let out a sigh before sitting down. "Are you really sure about this?" she asked right away.
I nodded. "Yeah. I've been thinking about it for months, Ms. Pram. This decision is final," I told her sincerely.
Seeing my determination, Ms. Pram could only manage a sad smile. Then she handed me the envelope. I took it and placed it on my side.
"Thank you, Ms. Pram. For everything. I really appreciate all the work you've done for me, for us, all these years." I thanked my manager/older sister sincerely with a smile.
Ms. Pram quickly looked up, but I could see the tears already forming in her eyes. "Stop it," she scolded me while wiping the side of her eyes. "It's not like we're never seeing each other after this, anyway. So don't say things like that," she said.
I looked away. "Right."
"And besides, I'm not accepting just words as a form of thanks. You should treat me to something, a meal, for example," she joked, which made me chuckle.
"Of course. Not a problem," I agreed.
"And I mean right now, Noon," she added, quickly raising her hand for a server. I just shook my head, giggling.
While she ordered her food to her heart's content, I opened the envelope she brought. Inside were my contract and other documents that severed my ties with my entertainment company.
Yes, that's right. I left. The entertainment company. My career. Cosmos.
And her.
---
[Praewa's]
The car entered the parking lot and finally came to a stop.
I was removing my seatbelt when Mai spoke. "Until when should I wait, Praewa?" she asked seriously, causing me to stop moving. I didn't turn to her; afraid that she might see the answer written in my eyes.
P'Mai and I were not together. However, she had been pursuing me, all on her accord. I had told her several times that I couldn't return her affection and love, but she insisted.
She was there that night when I told Noon that lie—that she was my girlfriend. I had apologized to her for it, but she suddenly proposed that we let Noon think that way. I didn't want to. I don't like lies. I hated them.
But the pain caused by Noon's lie of falling for me made me agree to her plan.
Yes, I didn't believe her. And even if I did, she was already damn too late! How dare she take my feelings so lightly. My love?
So what if she realized she felt the same for me? She had already broken my heart, for goodness' sake! What about the things I did to forget her? My sleepless nights full of the sound of my own crying? What about them?
I was so mad at her—no, even the word "mad" is too light. I loathed her. Not because she was late in falling for me, no. But because she disregarded my feelings so easily and just thought only about her own.
She didn't like me, so she treated me like I was one pathetic and desperate person, craving her attention. She broke me. And when I finally woke up from my delusions and was finally healing, she came back and confessed as if my world hadn't shattered when she rejected me? As if what I felt was insignificant, and that since she felt the same, I should be merry and accept her with open arms?
No way! I can't accept that. I won't accept that!
"Praewa?"
P'Mai's gentle voice brought me back from my wandering thoughts. I swallowed, trying to bring out the words to answer her.
"I..."
I don't know what to tell her. This is the first time she had brought up this topic with me. I am not prepared.
Suddenly, Noon's words from the farewell event echoed inside my head. They had caused an uproar, and I had even thought it would ruin our team-up, but instead, we received more support from fans and even non-fans.
This surge of support was supposed to make me happy, but for some reason, it didn't. Her words, and the message along with them—I received it.
And so did P'Mai. P'Noon was telling us both to go public, assuring us that she had taken care of everything to ensure we wouldn't receive any hate for it. That is why P'Mai is asking me this question now.
I turned to her and looked at her. She was pretty, kind, and always took care of me. However, I knew deep down that she was someone I couldn't see in that light.
She didn't deserve someone like me—someone messy, broken, unsure, and incomplete. What she deserves is someone better. Someone who is as sincere as her. Someone that can and will reciprocate her affection and efforts.
And that someone is not me.
I gave her a genuine yet mellow smile. "I am so sorry, P'Mai..."
---
With heavy steps, I made my way toward our rehearsal room. Though P'Mai had left earlier with a smile full of understanding, I couldn't help but still feel guilty. And it was no use convincing myself that I had committed no wrong either.
I was fully aware that agreeing to her idea of pretending to be lovers would give her a flicker of hope. But I turned a blind eye to it, only thinking about my own feelings.
The very exact same thing that Noon did to me. How am I different from her, then?
I let out a sigh.
"Praewa!"
I took a step back in surprise when Pin welcomed me after pushing the door open. Behind her were the other girls, who looked gloomy for some reason.
"Girls? Why? What's wrong? What happened?" I quickly asked them, worried.
The girls exchanged looks first, as if pushing each other to be the one to share whatever the news was. Then, suddenly, P'Anda slowly walked closer to me, pulling Pin behind her. Upon closer look, I noticed that her eyes were swollen, as if she had spent the night crying.
"P'Anda? What's going on? You guys are making me nervous," I asked her, feeling my heart pound. I tried to think of anything while I waited for P'Anda's answer.
Our mid-year comeback preparation was going well, the recent romantic drama series with P'Noon had been a success, and our brand promotion offers were also coming in steadily. No matter how much I tried to find something that could cause their current expressions, I couldn't seem to.
Just as P'Anda opened her mouth to answer me, a conversation between two passing employees in the hallway caught my attention. My brows furrowed. Did I hear them right?
I looked back at P'Anda and the girls to find an answer. Jenny, Som, Bua, and Lookkaew were already wiping their tears. Pin and Atom were looking away from me. Devi and Scene were holding each other, and in tears already as well.
My eyes landed back to P'Anda and saw her clenching her teeth as she looked up, trying to stop her tears.
"Praewa..."
Pammu called my name. She was already sobbing, and I couldn't help but become teary-eyed as well. "Pam... d-did you hear what those people said? They said that—that... Was that true?" I asked slowly, perhaps hoping for her to deny it.
She reached for my hand and held it tight. While suppressing her sobs, she nodded slowly. My knees weakened. "Y-yes, Praewa. It's true. Ms. Pram just came to tell us minutes ago," she confirmed.
I shook my head. "No," I tried to deny. But P'Anda spoke and confirmed it once more.
I dropped to the floor, a whirlwind of thoughts spinning inside my head. Why? Why did she leave? Isn't this her dream? So, why give it up?
Was it because of me? Did I hurt her that much?
No...
The question should be, why am I asking all of this? And what is this— this hollow feeling inside of me. Did I just lose something big?