By 9:00 p.m., my siblings are both in bed and I make sure to be as silent as I possibly can when leaving the flat. I feel terrified, walking down the stairway of our building, as if Joe would jump me any second. My hands begin trembling. Fuck.
Pretending like nothing's wrong whatsoever, I walk through the empty streets along our block, where the park in question is. The walk there isn't a long one, the Nighting Park is the one my siblings and I usually frequent - the one with the big, fancy playground. Admittedly, Rafael and I are kind of stupid for not agreeing on where to meet in this vast area. Yet again, I walk along the well-lit pathway until I notice the familiar silhouette of the man I know so well and yet so barely.
The paranoia inside of me remains, I feel nauseous. With all the courage I have, I walk up to him and make sure to make some noise, so he hears me. I don't have the intention of startling him again.
"Hey there," he pulls his hands out of his pockets as he turns around and spots me.
"Hi, Raf," I respond weakly and go for the mandatory hug, pressing myself against him as he uses his arms to pull me even closer.
"How was your day?" Rafael asks as he lets go of me, much too quickly for my liking. I shrug my shoulders and fake a smile.
"Just...one of those days, you know?"
As much as I try, I can't act as if nothing happened, at least not around him.
"Do you want to talk about it?", Rafael questions carefully while we set moving in the direction of the subway nearby.
I sigh and nod my head reassuring myself than him, "Not necessarily. Don't worry, I'm just glad we got to meet today"
These words, I mean them. Even though I am scared, I know that Rafael has his ways of making me feel at ease, he always does.
We're walking closely, with significantly less space between us than we used to keep.
"Oh, that's okay. I'm happy I get to hang out with you too. Just know that I'll be here if you need anything. Anyways, have people at college been okay to you today?"
"I guess so. Honestly, I can't even tell what's okay and what's not anymore. All I know is that I'll be fine at the end of the day." I shrug. Together, we walk until we arrive at the subway station, where a few people are waiting for their metro.
"Do you think it'll have consequences if people see us together?", I ask him quietly as we're standing by the tracks, waiting.
"No. Well, maybe, but I honestly couldn't care less," Rafael looks at me. His words run through me blankly, while I resume side-eyeing these dangerously tempting train-tracks next to us.
"I agree, but I wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable." I snicker shyly and fully turn my attention towards the tracks as a mellifluous voice announces our arriving train via the PA system.
"You could never," I hear Rafael's answer that sounds so dull and distorted in my head. My mind is drowning out his words and every other noise around me. Jump. Jump. JUMP! My thoughts become loud, they scream at me to just leap onto the tracks. We are standing just close enough for me to let myself fall forward and...die. End it all right here and now. To no more pain and suffering.
My guts turn over, I suddenly feel this intense, almost ecstatic rush of excitement and terror. From one moment to another, I can feel an unfamiliar, light warmth on the palm on my hand. Rafael's fingertips. Without saying a word, he puts pressure on my hand and pulls me a step or two away from the gap in front of us, running his thumb over my knuckles carefully.
In shock, I look down at our hands, then at him. My thoughts are scaring me, they're terrifying. I know that it's not me speaking to myself, telling me to jump. I know it, because I don't usually have thoughts like this. Not anymore. Why do they have to surface again now? Still holding my hand tightly, Rafael gives me a sad smile and nods reassuringly, as if to say 'I know. It's okay, I'm right here.'.
His hand feels so pleasant in mine, a sense of comfort streams through my body, as does the feeling of wanting to cry. Before that happens, I turn my body towards him and lean my forehead against his chest. Rafael wraps his arm around my shoulders, holding me protectively as the metro arrives. Yeah, that would have killed me for sure.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, not even sure whether or not he hears my muted voice. He does.
"Please don't do this. You have no idea how important you are," he returns in the same, quiet tone. His voice breaks, he sounds upset and frightened, in a way. I notice his arm tremble as he wraps it around me, he is being serious.
I repeat myself, "I'm sorry". We enter the subway and sit down somewhere in the middle of the car, away from most of the crowd. I'm sitting next to the thick, polycarbonate window, with Rafael next to me.
"Raf, can I promise you something?", I speak up, immersed in my own thoughts.
"Of course, what is it?", Rafael replies, concerned and curious at the same time.
"Raf...I promise you I won't kill myself, okay?", In a serious, honest voice, I mean every single word I utter. Maybe this way I'll have another reason not to do it in case my head throws all these terrible thoughts at me again.
"Okay. Thank you, Eli." Raf nods and looks deeply into my eyes.
From the very back of the wagon, we hear some asshole kids blasting asshole music through their asshole speakers, way too loudly, just to annoy anyone on the train so they can, i don't know, assert dominance or something. Whatever, I'll never understand the whole point of bothering people like this.
"I'm just glad I'm not like them," I change the topic drastically to something more positive, in a way so only he can hear me. Rafael looks at me, biting his lips thoughtfully.
"Yeah, it's better not to get near these people. I mean, even though I'm definitely older than them, I'd still avoid trouble with them. Who knows what they might try and do in a group of, I don't know, five or so," Raf hops on to my sneaky little switcheroo, I can see his eyes flickering as he looks out the window, watching all the lights flit by quickly.
After scrutinizing my surroundings to spot any people who might recognize me and without being able to identify anyone, I gently rest my head against Raf's shoulder. I'm fucking exhausted. Raf readjusts his position in a way that gives me a more comfortable position to rest my head at, which practically means slipping further down in his seat to align his shoulder with the side of my head a bit more.
Position unchanged, we sit until the subway arrives at the next station, which is where we get off.
"Wow, you live in this part of the town? These are some nice-ass apartments, I've heard," I express my astonishment as soon as we leave the subway station and begin walking through the streets of the busier part of the town.
"You're right, I really can't complain. It's kind of nice here though, I like the nightlife," he tells me and gives me a smile that shows an expression of excitement and appreciation. His eyes are glimmering under the shimmer of all the surrounding lights. Mindlessly, I admire his utter beauty and begin wondering once again how he could possibly be so perfect.
However, as soon as a nice feeling arises inside of me, the thousands of negative ones ruin this one thin thread of hope I am so desperately holding onto. What if this is all his plan? What if he's been trying to lure me into his apartment all along? What is he going to do to me in there? Whatever it is that he'd do, there would be nobody around to help me. I'm such a foolish person for running right into his trap with open arms, aren't I?!
No, that is not true. He is not like him. I refuse to believe that he'll hurt me and try my best to push these terrible, manipulative thoughts to the back of my mind.
"Hey, wait," my paralysed brain speaks and stops me from moving ahead. It's so unreasonable to think Rafael would ever hurt me. Right?
"Huh? What's up, is everything okay?," he asks worriedly and halts his steps too, but after gathering my thoughts and not coming up with anything rational to say, I shake my head and shrug it off awkwardly,
"Sorry, it's-...never mind."
Rafael eyes me up and down with a concerned look on his face, but eventually lets go of this strange interaction as we resume walking, all the way until we arrive at a plain white building that looks inconspicuous on the outside. Raf leads the way and uses his key to unlock the communal front entrance. The light in the hallway and stairwell turns on automatically, it startles me.
We mount the stairs up to the third floor, where he uses his key to unlock the door to his flat. This feeling of fear rises inside of me as I step through the door and close it behind me. Or is it nervousness? I honestly can't tell anymore. Fuck all these feelings, man.
"Here we are, welcome to my apartment." Rafael chuckles softly and turns on the lights of the friendly looking flat. Both him and I take off our shoes and jackets before he leads me through the hallway into the living room/dining area. His flat is not even far off the one we live in, layout-wise. It's just sized down to fit one person instead of three.
In the living room, there's a big TV mounted on the wall between some empty shelves, with a black sofa and a dark brown coffee table in front of it. His kitchen is small but looks neat and practical regardless. It smells so neutral, I like the smell of new things. The scent that resembles a clean slate immediately transfers onto how I feel about myself. In a way, it's soothing.
"There. Bedroom...bathroom, what do you say?", Raf tells me once we arrive back in the living room after his short tour.
"Not bad. I really like the warm lighting," I say and nod approvingly. Wait, that's such a weird thing to comment on. The thing is, something like the type of lighting in a room might seem unbelievably irrelevant to some people, but to me, this warm, natural light is somewhat comforting. I've never been a huge fan of the cold, blue-tinted lights, they remind me too much of the cathouse.
"It's also designed in a rather modern style, I think. Then again, what do I know about fucking interior design? It...it's a nice flat, Raf," I chuckle and stand there a bit awkwardly in a lack of knowing what else to do while Raf fumbles around on the small stereo beneath the TV.
"Nah, you're not too far off, I believe. Hey, would you like to listen to some music to avoid awkward silence in case we don't know what to talk about?", Raf laughs sweetly, directly addressing the problem that's present in my head too.
"Sure, that sounds great."
"Perfect. But don't you dare make fun of my taste in music, it's something I'm genuinely insecure about. Go ahead, take a seat," Rafael instructs me, his honest words make me crack up as I sit down.
"Don't worry, I'd be the last person to judge you. Having some pretty questionable taste in music myself, I can only relate," I explain and watch him turn on some music, making sure it's not too loud. I'm pretty sure the first song that begins playing is 'Death of a Bachelor' by Panic! At The Disco. Hey, I also have some of their songs in my playlists too, so maybe his taste in music isn't too far off from mine after all. Not saying that it's necessarily good music,our taste being similar can't be a bad thing.
"Starting off like this can only mean your taste isn't as terrible as you think it is. I mean it," I approve as Rafael gets up to get both him and me a glass of water, which I accept thankfully. Raf sits down next to me, looking at me fondly. To get more comfortable, I pull my knees to my chest and turn my torso towards Raf, who seems like he wants to say something but doesn't quite know how.
"What is it?", I chuckle curiously, but a bit concerned as his expression becomes a bit more doubtful.
"What's what?", he gives back and shakes his head. His arms are crossed in front of his chest, either because it is more comfortable for him this way or because he is mad. Thinking of the latter makes my smile drop instantly as I ask him in surprise,
"Wait, did I do something wrong?"
Immediately, Rafael's expression softens as he apologizes in a calm, serious voice,
"What? No, not at all. It's just...you look so sad today and I'm worried about you, that's all. And I know you don't like it when I say that, but I can't help but worry, you know?"
The tone of his voice breaks my heart and gets me to the point of almost tearing up. I'll need to sleep on what happened for a night or two to get back to my cooler, less whiny side, I think. As I think about an appropriate response, I stumble across the memory from this afternoon. It's something about the realisation that he can see that I feel terrible that brings me right back to the cause of my fear.
Suddenly, my chest feels tight, my throat closes up. This is not good, not at all. The tears shoot into my eyes as I gasp for air. When I look at Rafael, I see no other than Joe, getting closer and closer to me, his hands are all over my naked, fragile body yet again. Furiously, I push all these imaginary hands off my body and jerk away from Rafael, who stares at me in utter shock.
I shake my head and look at him again. Raf. It's Raf. Not Joe. Rafael. Rafael.
"Fuck," I gasp and reach for my throat, breathing heavily, in shallow hiccups, as if my lungs are unable to take in any air, causing me to think they're about to explode.
"Hey, hey, hey...Eli? Eli, look at me, alright?", Raf instructs and gets up from the sofa, crouching down in front of me and carefully placing his hand on my shoulder. With my paranoid eyes darting all over the place, I try my best to ground myself and focus on Rafael instead. I reach for his shoulder and place my hand on it, feeling the soft fabric of his shirt beneath my sweaty fingertips.
"Eli, I want you to take a deep breath with me, okay?", he tells me and gently wipes a tear from my cheek with his thumb, keeping his hand on my jaw to keep me focused on him. As deeply as I can, I breathe in, Rafael does it all together with me, setting a rhythm to a deep, slow respiration.
"There we go," he sighs as he exhales, noticing how my fingertips slowly stop jittering as heavily, how my eyes are now fully focused on him and how my breath has adapted to his rhythm. All that's left are the tears. These terrifying tears I cannot hold back. Then, I sob. Once, twice, then again and again. I shift from panicking to full on bawling my eyes out. Slowly, I let go of Rafael's shoulder and bury my face in the palm of my hands instead. Raf gets up, gazes at me and returns to the sofa, throwing a box of tissues onto the coffee-table before sitting down next to me and wrapping his arm around me, running his fingers through my hair to soothe me.
"It's alright. I know things like this are terrifying, but look, you're okay. You''re okay. I'm right here with you, Eli," he coos in a calm voice and gently draws a few tiny invisible circles onto my arm.
"I don't understand," I whisper when I can finally bring myself to say something again. Gently, I push myself away from his comforting half-hug, thanking him as I grab a tissue off the coffee-table, blowing my snotty nose and drying my wet cheeks, that continue getting overflown with tears.
"How can you not think I'm fucking pathetic?", I ask and look directly into his painfully concerned eyes. He can see the torment in mine, they're red and glazed from all the tears.
Rafael raises his broken voice,
"Eli, I would never think that. Hell, all I want is for you to be okay. And I don't even know why, but I care about you so, so much that watching you suffer like this hurts so fucking much."
In his eyes, I can see a tear building up, it slowly rolls down his cheek. No. What have I done? He is crying because of me. I am a monster indeed.
"Please don't," I whisper and reach out to wipe the single tear off his soft skin before ever so cautiously climbing to rest astride him, this time doing what I've been wanting to do at the club every single time, pushing myself close to him and hugging him tightly, pressing my face against the crook of his neck as he wraps his arms around my back protectively. This is the first time I question this thing going on between us. Sure, friends care for each other, but why does this feel so much deeper and more meaningful?
His chest is touching mine. Physically, we are incredibly close to each other. My knees are hitting the crook between the backrest of the sofa and the cushion Raf is sitting on, his head is leaned against my shoulder. I can feel the slight movement of his arms wandering up and down my back. Something about the way he moves them makes my mind go into bad directions again. I like the feeling of his warm, comforting hands on my back, but something inside of me refuses to let go of this draining memory of Joe.
I don't want to think of Rafael that way. But secretly, I might be waiting for him to hurt me, so I can go back to keeping anything and everything to myself without exposing myself to another person the way I do with him. While holding back my bitter tears, I very silently and heavy-heartedly mumble my words against his shoulder, "Why don't you just rape me?"
In utter shock, Rafael pulls his head away from my shoulder forcefully and looks into my terrified eyes, loosening the grip around my back and letting go of me completely with his hands frozen in the air next to my body.
"Eli, what are you saying? Are...are you afraid of me?"
Thoughtfully, I shake my head, then speak up in a shaky voice.
"But if you did, I could prove my point of not trusting anyone."
"Well, I won't do that. I would never, absolutely NEVER want or try to hurt you, I promise," he tells me with a persistent stare into my eyes.
"I know", I nod and take a deep, shaky breath while grabbing his hands and simply holding them gently. I want to tell him about what happened, but I don't dare doing so. I am unsure whether I'll ever be able to do that. Worriedly, Rafael looks at me, then exclaims calmly,
"Do you have these thoughts very often?"
"What thoughts?", I respond, fearing the topic he's touching up on.
"About wanting to kill yourself?", he follows up cautiously.
Since I know I can't avoid this topic forever and because it might be helpful to talk someone about it, I think a bit about how to answer, then sigh.
"I haven't had them in a long time, actually. Today was just...very bad. But as I said, I promise I won't do it. It's just that sometimes, when it all gets too heavy, my mind goes to that dark place that makes me want to...do things, you know?"
Understandingly, Raf nods,
"I understand what you're saying, Eli. Do you want to tell me what happened today that had such an impact on you?"
This question doesn't come as a shock to me, it's foreseeable and inevitable. Still, I'm too ashamed and embarrassed to reveal the truth.
"Rafael, I really can't talk about it. But it has nothing to do with college, if that's what you're asking."
The manner in which we're speaking is calm and honest.
"That's alright, you don't need to if you don't want to, I promise. Whatever it is, you shouldn't blame yourself for the reactions you're having, it's a normal response from your body, alright? And yeah, maybe these attacks and thoughts won't stop happening tomorrow or even next week, but I promise it'll be okay eventually. Hold on, let me give you something," Raf gestures me to roll off him so he can get up from where he's sitting.
As he's looking for something in his bedroom, I mindlessly reach for the necklace he's given me and caress the little charm with my fingers, breathing deeply to ground myself.
When he comes back, he grabs my hand and gently slips a rubber band over it, so it first around my wrist like a tight bracelet. In total, he puts three rubber bands around my wrist, that are fitting tightly, but don't cut off my circulation. Rafael sits down next to me again.
"There."
When he notices the bit of confusion on my face as I don't quite grasp the process of his thoughts, he gives me a soft smile and tells me,
"You snap them against your wrist when you feel like your thoughts are going into a dark place. I've heard it helps some people to stay focused when feeling especially anxious. Now, unfortunately I can't promise you that they'll magically heal you, since it takes a lot more than this, but I thought it might be worth a try. See, every single time you manage to calm down at least in the slightest thanks to these rubber bands makes it way worth it already, if you ask me."
To try out what he's told me, I hook my index finger under one of the bands, pulling and releasing it so it snaps against my sensitive skin. The stinging pain makes me feel. It pulls me back into reality. Of course, it's not something that can take away these thoughts and urges, but maybe it'll be a little bit of relief.
With a gentle smile on my face, I nod approvingly and speak my appreciation,
"Thank you, Rafael. I appreciate it a lot."
I look around the room, it reminds me a lot of our flat. The relaxing atmosphere kind of does it for me. In front of us, there is a grey wall, hidden behind the large assortment of shelves that bear the TV. To the right, there is the door to the bathroom, around the corner the one that leads to Rafael's bedroom. On our left, there's a small table for about four people, with a big window that shows the nightlife of the busy town behind it.
From there, some blurry lights move by, probably caused by the bypassing cars. The material of the sofa we're sitting on, I feel it with my fingertips. It's soft, but sleek and clean. The room has a distinct smell to it, it's so fresh and new and mixed with the same scent I like so much about the sweater Raf gave me. Speaking of, he's sitting next to me, with one of his legs resting on the sofa as he's leaning against the backrest with one of his elbows. His dark, fluffy curls look as stunning as ever.
He's wearing beige sweatpants and a plain white shirt. I love the colours of the clothes he tends to wear most often. These neutral, muted colours fit in with his calm, sophisticated persona perfectly. Even if I didn't know who he was, I would probably guess that he has some type of high-status job when seeing him in public. He just has this kind of look about him. I love it, though.
I myself am also wearing sweatpants, dark grey ones, plus a purple, soft-as-fuck hoodie. Man, how I love clothes that are a bit too large for me, hence why I like to wear Rafael's sweater so much, of course because of his scent on it too, though. Is that weird for me to say?