"Rafael, how long will you stay with us?" my little sister asks the person sitting next to me obliviously, looking at him with sparkling eyes. Both her and Sasha are very fond of this new addition I have spontaneously and temporarily made to our household. Rafael gives her a sweet, genuine smile, then answers truthfully,
"I'm not sure yet, Daisy. A few days, if your brother doesn't mind. Of course, only if that is okay with you too."
"Yes please!!" my sister screeches and folds her hands in front of her, grinning widely while looking back and forth between Raf and me with shiny eyes. Wordlessly, she asks me if we could keep this one.
"It'd be a pleasure to have you stay," I answer her subconscious request, dedicating my words rather towards Raf than my little, overly excited sister. The scene I find myself in lifts my spirit a bit, I feel a bit relieved hearing Rafael's heartful laughter. The four of us, with me being the one who is instructed to do the least due to my condition, clean up the dining table and kitchen in no time and sit down on the sofa for a round of Uno.
The first and second landslide victories go to Sasha, who's been deemed the 'King of Uno' among the three of us ever since we were younger. After the third round, which I win narrowly against Daisy, Rafael looks at me apologetically and interrupts our card-game-session.
"Hey, I'll just clear this up really quickly, okay? I'll be back."
Without any verbal response, I nod reassuringly, my eyes follow him as he gets up and makes his way out of the apartment's door, still in his socks, just to have some more privacy.
"Eli, can we pleeeease play Monopoly?" Daisy asks, frustrated by the defeat she suffered. Affectionately, I pat her head and snicker fretfully,
"Of course, princess. Rafael can join one of us when he's back."
While talking, I pull the box out from the narrow shelf under the coffee-table, opening it and setting up a game. Even though I chose the hat as my playing figurine, I know more than well that my head is one door away, right where Rafael has been caught up for quite some time now. Radio silence. Not a single noise coming from out there, it worries me.
Not until I hear the main door open again. The sight I'm revealed to reignites the tension in my chest that makes me want to cry. Yes, it's Rafael who steps back into the flat, but he's not the same as before. On his face, there is this distinct expression of a mixture between fury, guilt and deep sadness.
Without a word or distinct look at us, Rafael walks past us into my room, coming out only moments later. His clothes are not the same anymore, he is now wearing his coat. What is he wearing his coat for? He's not leaving, is he? The tears that begin shooting into my eyes, I struggle blinking them away for the sake of my siblings.
Only now, Rafael walks over to us, his furrowed brows not seeming to move an inch.
"Is everything alr-...," I set to ask Rafael the question to which the answer is rather obvious already, but he doesn't even let me finish before his harsh words ring painfully in my ears,
"I need to catch some fresh air. I'll be back soon, okay?"
Even though his words are spoken sharply, his voice trembles and breaks on the last note. Before anyone could notice the tears dwelling in his eyes and before I could make any move to stop him from leaving, Rafael is already out the door, after grabbing the key off the hallway cabinet. I jump up from where I'm sitting, but whatever I planned on shouting after him is pointless anyway, as the entrance door already slams shut in front of me.
What have I done wrong?
For a moment, I stand there, with my torso turned towards the door and my heart physically aching. The two children exchange confused expressions, but soon, Sasha plays my little hero and overplays the seriousness of the situation by using the air plane figurine to make our sister laugh.
A single tear runs down my cheek, my open mouth seems to have been left by all reasonable things to say. It hurts to watch him leave so unhindered. Should I have stopped him? Should I run after him and leave the kids alone? Will he really come back? Is all of this my fault? Please, not him too.
I don't want to lose another loved one. I can't lose him.
Rafael doesn't return, not until my siblings and I are done playing and not until I've put them to bed either.
"Eli, are you sure you're okay?" my brother asks me worriedly in the same moment I turn off the light in his room to say goodnight.
"I'll be fine, kiddo. Please don't worry about it, okay?" I let out a deep sigh and try my best to refrain from bawling my eyes out in front of my little brother. After that, I am quick to say goodnight to him too and leave for the safety of my own bedroom. It's there that I cannot keep my emotions under control anymore.
It hurts, it hurts so much.
How can he just run away like this?
Tears stream down my pale face, I have to hold onto my closet so I don't collapse under the pain raging inside of me. When my legs give in, I let myself sink down onto the mattress and, with my head held low, I sob uncontrollably as I squeeze my wrist to remain in touch with reality.
I can't afford to panic now, it'll only cause me to dissociate until I end up in a state in which I can't even remember my own name. It has happened before, I know this feeling just too well. I feel the urge to scream, but I can't. Even for that, the pressure inside of my ribcage is too heavy. Three or four consecutive times, I don't manage to breathe out after taking anxious breaths in.
My lungs are filled to the point of hurting as if I'm drowning underwater.
There is no water, so why do I have such a hard time breathing? Please, make it stop, just make it all stop.
My vision turns blurry, I know it's not solely from all my tears. Next thing I know, I'm sitting in the middle of the bed, with my back rested against the headboard and sobbing quietly. I don't recall how I got here, I don't remember moving from the edge of the bed and I don't know how much time has passed since then. All I know is that I'm still waiting.
For Rafael.
He promised me he'll return, so where is he now? I've tried calling, without any response from him. Turns out his phone is lying on the floor, somewhere between my desk and bed, where he must have dropped it after making the call.
Ensuing what feels like hours of waiting, there's finally a shimmer of hope. I listen up, hearing the front door open quietly. A person's sigh can be heard quietly. It's Rafael, I know it's him. Yet now that he's back, my body is too exhausted for me to jump up and run to him. When the door to my bedroom finally opens after another while of cold nothingness, I gaze right into the teary eyes of Rafael. This sight brings back the silent tears, both of us remain quiet. That is, until he turns his back to me so he can take off his coat again.
"Are you mad at me?" I whisper in a shaky voice, pulling my hands into the sleeves of my sweatshirt. With one arm already out of the coat and the other one still in its armhole, Rafael's movement stops entirely.
"I'm not," he exhales, shaking his head without giving me a proper look. His voice sounds exactly like mine does, weak and quiet. Where's this strong, soothing voice of his that has become my grounding point? What am I supposed to do without the comfort of his strength now?
Only then, Rafael turns his head to look at me, he steps backwards from where he is standing and sits down on the mattress, close to the bedside-table on the side he has claimed only days before.
"Listen, Eli..." Rafael raises his low voice after taking a deep, self-soothing breath. Under the blanket I'm halfway lying under, I sit back up and scoot closer to where he is sitting. I reach out for his right hand. Without protest, he lets me hold it, stroking the skin on the back of it only in the gentlest way before continuing.
"The call I made before, I was talking to my boss, the senior physician at the hospital I work at. Eli, do you remember how I said I'll be taking around half a month of break here in Nevada before returning to my job?"
The sound of his voice is calm now, I can tell he is forcing himself to stay serene for both our sake. Unwilling to grasp or accept what I believe he is hinting at, I nod, giving nothing but a quiet, concerned 'mhm' as an answer.
The next breath Rafael takes is not quiet nor as steady as the one before, and even though he fights so hard to stop it, it turns into a deep-rooted sob before he can resume explaining what is going on. My body works on autopilot when I move myself closer to him and pull the now desperately crying Rafael into my arms. At the sight of his despair, I myself can't hold back my own tears, that are suddenly far from as painful as his ones are.
"It's okay, Rafael. I'm still here with you," I whisper against his shoulder quietly, running my fingertips through his hair and stroking his back up and down with my other arm. Apart from the hand I can feel on my cheek for a mere second, the hug of mine is not reciprocated, Rafael simply does not have the strength in him to do so right now.
"You shouldn't have to see me like this, Eli."
Rafael sobs hoarsely against the crook of my neck he buries his face in. The wetness of his tears leaves a burning pain behind on my skin, but all I do is pull him even closer to me. I don't care if I'm hurt anymore, what matters more is that Rafael is not.
It takes a while for him to catch his breath again, I barely recognize the person lifting their head off my shoulder now. They're beautiful, he's always been, but the pain in their eyes is something I don't want to accept being a part of Rafael.
"Eli, the reason I asked you that is because...b-because-...," Rafael can't seem to pluck up the courage to force these painful words out of his mouth. I bring my hand up to his face, wiping away the tears flowing down his cheek as I give him an encouraging nod through tears, mouthing an aching 'it's okay' towards him.
"They want me to stop this sooner than that, Eli."
All the voices in my head shut down the second Rafael finishes the sentence he only barely manages to push out through his everlasting sobs. A voice inside of me returns, all it does is repeat the sentence I just heard from the person in front of me to reassure me I didn't mishear a thing. They want him to go back, Eli.
All visible emotion on my face vanishes, I blankly stare into his equally as vacant eyes as I ask him this one question.
"How much sooner?"
Rafael diverts his eyes from mine, looking at the hand of mine he is now taking a proper hold of before responding reluctantly. Only in a whisper, he exclaims exactly two words.
"Thursday night at the latest."
These two words break me, more than I swore to myself to ever let another person break me again. In disbelief, I state the obvious as if it's something I don't want to be true.
"That's only five days from now."
That's right, I don't want this to be true. All this time, I've tried so hard to push away the fact that he'll eventually leave and now he's telling me it's not in a month but, in five days? Please, let this be another nightmare. I want to wake up in his arms again, in a reality where we have more time together.
"That's right. I'm sorry", Rafael whispers, his brows shrivel as the expression of his pain creates more of it inside of me too.
Don't I already have enough of it? Enough pain? Enough fear? Enough hurt?
He's holding his head low now as he rests it against my shoulder to seek comfort again. My tears stop for a moment, I freeze as I refuse to accept what he's just told me.
"I don't want to have to leave you, Eli," his whisper silences the thoughts in my head. All that is in there is him now. Slowly, I wrap my arms around his back again, pulling him with me as I lie back down on the mattress.
I do so in a way that allows him to lie down on top of me, hugging me tightly as he rests his bodyweight on me. Rafael and I scoot closer to the middle of the bed again, continuously entwined like a pair of entangled headphones.
"I don't want you to leave either, Rafael," I sigh achingly as I nuzzle my lips against his hairline. I receive nothing but heavy sobs as a response. Mine have stopped now, I am too exhausted and too repudiating than to properly cry now. Of course, it hurts, it hurts even more to know I have no way of venting now that I can't even cry anymore.
My open mouth, I close it again, staring blankly at the ceiling. Maybe this really is it, maybe this is the moment my whole world collapses and I'm left floating in the white nothingness. But even then, I want Rafael to be there, right by my side. Without him, there is no purpose left for me, no glimmer of faith inside of me.
"What about your lectures?" I eventually throw a question into the silence, in which Rafael's sobs seem to have calmed down a bit too. The pain of two bonding hearts, who would have ever thought it'd be so immense?
Rafael sighs, breathing deeply on top of me.
"I'll finish them until I have to leave, but the exam on Friday will definitely be supervised and graded by your actual professors," he explains prosaically and carefully plays with the seam of my sweater between his jittery fingers.
"Does the principal know?" I resume catechizing him calmly. Maybe it's because I'm trying to understand, maybe it's because there's nothing else that I can do right now. I feel helpless and I know how to help Raf even less than I know how to help myself. I sense a nod against my shoulder.
"Everyone knows, it's just that nobody cared to tell me about their stupid plan. I'd probably have found out when it's already too late, hadn't Stevie noticed my name being scheduled for Friday's night shift on the duty roster at the hospital."
"So, what are we going to do?" I follow up his explanation with more interrogation. I can now feel him shaking his head, before readjusting his position in a way that he can turn his head and look at my face. I turn to look at him too, he looks so full of regret and anguish. It's not his fault, none of this is.
"I'm afraid there's nothing we can do about it, Eli. All I know is that I'm not leaving your side until then. Eli, no matter what happens, you need to know that I've always been on your side, okay? I really don't want this to change now."
Another tear runs down his temple as he speaks. Gently, I place my hand on his cheek and nod, whispering my answer against his wet lips.
"Good."
It feels like the most natural reaction to kiss him, so with the deepest gaze into his beautiful eyes, I push my lips against his, moving them slowly while I brush the tears away from his cheeks over and over again. If I had to, I'd be willing to do this forever, until I'm certain that there is no tear of his left that I could have possibly missed.
My kiss quietens not only the thoughts in his head for a moment, but mine too and, while it doesn't necessarily make the situation we're in any better, it definitely helps with coping. The reciprocation I can feel coming from Rafael, who pulls me closer to him by wherever his hands seem to find themselves, is soothing. His presence makes it all better.
And he is, in fact, very much still with me, and I'm not alone.
Yet.
Rafael and I move apart as a result of the lack of oxygen our kiss caused, but keep our foreheads connected. With closed eyes and under deep, steady breaths, the person in front of me breaks the comfortable silence by whispering,
"Please, let's not let this take quality off the time we do have left, okay? I want us to at least be happy together while we still can be."
I appreciate his way of thinking, the encouragement to accept this misfortune helps me come to terms with it. At least, it will be.
I let out a rather light-hearted sigh, whispering,
"How about we start doing that tomorrow?"
By all means, I'd love to pretend as if nothing is happening inside of me right now.
However, it wouldn't change anything for the better. If it did change anything at all, it would only cause me to be even more stuck inside my own mess of emotions, so I'll need Rafael to give me this one night to let my real feelings about what is happening even themselves out.
"Sounds good," I hear his soft, hoarse voice quietly, right before feeling his loving lips on mine again. He sets a rhythm for our kiss, all I do is follow wherever he leads us and enjoy every millisecond I get to spend with him so purely. Maybe kissing does make things better, because soon enough, both his and my tears vanish, and the bad thoughts that seemed so present before are getting quieter and quieter.
All that is left is the moment. Rafael and me. In the end, nothing else matters. Not the past and not the future. It's the moments we turn into memories that make life valuable. Dwelling over what's to come or hanging yourself up on the things that happened in the past only hinders you from immersing yourself in present situations, including all feelings, thoughts, sensations and words involved.
I don't know when or how exactly our kissing turned into something more than that, but I do know that my head feels absurdly light and hazy when Rafael worms out of my tight embrace only to use the freshly acquired freedom to reach his gentle hand out for my shoulder and pin it against the mattress while I reposition mine to keep them somewhere between his shoulder, nape and hair.
My fear and sorrow are nothing now, compared to only minutes before. Perished, as if they never existed in the first place. An unknown sense of heat rises inside of me, fills up every single cell of my body without my consent.
It feels odd. So odd, in fact, that I push Rafael's head back by his jaw as he hovers closely above me and mellowly caresses my cheek, supporting his bodyweight on his forearm next to my head. The very second he senses the slightest glimpse of resistance through the mild pressure I put on his cheek, Rafael halts all strokes of his thumb on my jawline and retreats his head to check the cause of my discomfort.
All these scattered, messy thoughts in my head, I try to gather them as I take a few heavy, deep breaths to calm my trembling limbs.
"Are you okay?" Rafael asks cautiously, observing my every move as I still try to catch my breath. Vigorously, I nod before turning to truthfully answer his question,
"I'm okay, It's just that...I've never felt this way and it scares me a bit."
By no means am I afraid of Rafael or his affection, the unknown sensations I feel in combination with the fear of making myself so vulnerable to another person are the things I'm worried about. I'm agitated and aroused, but not in a negative or even necessarily sexual manner. Maybe it's a type of euphoria I feel, or is it just nervousness after all?
"Is it okay for me to kiss you like this? If you're uncomfortable, don't like it or don't feel good doing it, I'll stop, no questions asked, okay?" Rafael speaks softly and creates some distance between us to give me a bit of space in fear of making me feel distressed. I bite my lip thoughtfully and look in between our bodies. One of his legs is between mine, the other one supports his body on the outer side of my left thigh.
No part of him touches my body in an inappropriate or sensual manner. What is causing me a substantial amount of confusion is that I can't tell if I'm glad that it's this way or if I would actually like him to be more courageous with his affection. After thinking about what to respond to his sweet words of reassurance, I give him a genuine, content smile and whisper,
"This feels nice, Rafael. Let's not stop just yet, okay?"
The relieved nod from Rafael is all I need before I pull his face down to reunite our lips again, bringing him all the way down with me until my head rests comfortably on the pillow beneath me again. Rafael gently runs his fingers through my hair while allowing his body to relax, simultaneously putting more passion into the kiss that even I don't ever want to end.
I can feel myself getting lost in the feeling. The confusion raging inside of me doesn't stop me from exploring this undiscovered range of emotions, so I decide to fully trust Rafael and give in to the warmth I feel. While making out with him and without a thought dedicated to the possibility of letting my mouth stop touching his, I detangle my arms and slip further down under the perfect human being on top of me.
My movement causes Rafael's leg to briefly brush against my midsection, and hadn't he recoiled his knee immediately in fear of pushing something I'm certainly not ready for, I am sure the sensation I feel for only a short moment would have snowballed into something that would have only ended up overwhelming me. I slip my arms under his and rest my shaky fingertips on the sides of his ribcage.
I do so gently at first, but soon find myself pulling him closer to me by exactly this spot in no time. The uncertainty is replaced by pure curiosity and joy, I let go of the negative feelings I've been holding on to and begin tugging on Rafael's shirt with a cocksure goal. His exposed skin feels good under my freezing fingertips, my counterpart lets me have my way with touching him unconditionally. I believe that he has figured out my approximate boundaries by now, and that he understands how I need moments like this to inch my way towards overcoming all the things that happened to me in the past.
None of them are on my mind now, all there is is Rafael and the way he reaches for my arm to intertwine out fingers and gently hold my hand against the soft mattress, kisses deepening together with the connection we have established mentally. There is no force behind his doings, if I wanted to, I'd be out this grip in a millisecond, but I deliberately clasp my fingers to hold his hand closely.
The butterflies in my stomach are doing cartwheels and reach their final destination the moment he moves his head away from mine only to gaze down at me with eyes that show a desire and love in a way I have never seen before.
I breathe heavily, it's the only thing I can do besides returning all the unspoken things he is telling me through his eyes right now. I am too stunned and paralysed by all the positive feelings inside of me. With my lips slightly parted and a persistent stare upwards at this utterly flawless, comforting person, I continue following the lead of my naughty hand, that resumes its journey over the smooth skin on Rafael's back.
In the end, my craving for more of these wonderful feelings overtakes and I mumble hazily into the warm air between our lips,
"Can you take off your shirt, please?"
Expectedly, Rafael is a bis perplexed by my sudden, straightforward request, raising his eyebrows in surprise. To confirm my statement, I answer his unasked question by nodding encouragingly. Raf, to fulfil my wish and obey my demand, pushes himself away from me and sits back onto his knees and the heels of his feet to scrutinize me thoroughly.
He reaches for the collar of his turtle-neck to pull it over his head, holding eye contact with me for as long as possible as he casually strips off his shirt. Under him, I use the physical fixation of his strong legs to my advantage and sit up using my abs and the leverage Rafael's hold creates for me.
"Can I touch you?" I ask for his consent and admire the immaculate body he reveals to my plain sight. Having someone so faultless so close to me humbles me in the same way it gives me a sense of pride.
Rafael, to answer my question, grabs the hand he had just pinned to the bed to bring it up to his face and press a gentle kiss against the back of it, nodding in the same motion he does so. As soon as he lets go of my hand again, I let my fingers wander from his shoulder over his chest and all the way down to the abdominal muscles I can feel twitch under my touch.
"Your body is so perfect," I murmur in utter fascination while I keep my hand on him ceaselessly.
My eyes are stuck on his unblemished skin, I absorb every spot through my eyes, so my brain will never forget what he looks like from the exact angle I am looking at him from. The position we're in, I use it as my opportunity to bring my own body even closer to his.
I look up at Rafael's content, loving expression and purse my lips as to ask him for another kiss, all while wrapping my arms around his now bare waist.
"Oh, Eli...you have no idea what you're doing to me," he sighs, shakes his head with a simper and pushes his lips against mine longingly.
Rafael softly forces my body back down to the mattress, with our lips connected, unyielding. His body feels good so close to mine, almost as if he gives me the power to fly. I am not lying when I say that I have never felt a sensation so different, so bizarre, so odd and so good at the same time. But I like it.
To initiate an intimacy than it is even closer than this, I let go of Rafael's lips and rest my chin on his shoulder, so he has no other choice than to give in to my hug. He lets himself fall into my arms without question, is even comfortable enough to rest his bodyweight on me more than before. He won't crush me, and if he did, I couldn't possibly bring myself to be mad at him.
"I am so attracted to you, Rafael," I confess to him honestly. It's embarrassing and far from easy for me to admit this since I have never said these words to anyone so honestly before, but I do it regardless because I want to play with open cards when I'm with him.
Why?
Because I want to give Rafael the chance to see me the way I truly am, and I want to give myself a chance for growth by choosing to take risks that even the slightest part of me sees potential in.
I use my fingernails to lightly run them up and down his sides, Rafael nuzzles his face into the crook of my neck and breathes calmly against my skin. The warmth of his breath is pleasant, I deliberately turn my head to feel more of it.
His comfort catches me in its ban and leaves me to get devoured as a whole, the more I have him lie in my arms like this, the more the sleepiness joins the desire in me.
"I'd give everything to stay in this moment with you forever," Rafael mumbles against my skin and seals his statement with a mellow kiss.
Even though my heart is now beating substantially faster and my current mind barely makes any valid points as to hold me back from going all the way with him, something inside me still tells me that what we have is perfect the way it is now and therefore keeps me from initiating anything more. It's better like this.
Deep down, I am aware that I'm far from ready to give myself to another person in this way, and even if I were in this exact moment, I'd rather give myself the time to ensure I'm not only feeling this way because it's my brain's coping mechanism to process what happened to me. Yes, I've been through a lot, so this final straw might not seem to make such a huge difference, but something inside me tells me that it does. The deliberate humiliation and dehumanization they put me through will forever be burnt into my memory.
The mere glimpse of the happenings at the cathouse I allow for a mere second in my head is enough to remind me of the physical damage I am still dealing with and of the fact that, despite trusting Rafael with my life for everything he has done for me, I am certainly not ready to sleep with him.
And I am glad I am able to realise this before we started acting on any inappropriate thoughts. So, while I don't regret any of the choices I have made so far, I take our doings to a level that's lower than the one we're on now.
"Rafael, would it be okay for you if we watched a movie now?"
The person in question retreats his head and looks at me with sparkly eyes.
"Disney?" he asks happily with a bright grin decorating his face, as if he expected nothing more than that.
"Hell yeah," I chuckle and cheerfully peck his lips once more.
Rafael rolls off me so I can get myself ready for bed, which I am quick to do, being practically in and out of the bathroom within seconds. Okay, maybe not seconds, but having Rafael choose a movie for us to watch in the bedroom is a huge motivation to hurry. In some shorts and a large shirt, I enter my room again, which is Rafael's cue to get up and head to the bathroom as well.
However, before the still shirtless Raf manages to escape, I reach for his wrist and look at his confused face with a mischievous grin on my face.
"So, just, like, hypothetically...do you really need a shirt to sleep?"
His confusion turns into amusement and surprise in the same moment I said the word 'shirt' and, as he has done multiple times in the past, he brings my hand up to his face to kiss the back of it.
"Does 'Aristocats' sound good to you?" he disregards my implied request completely and promptly returns the question, so I am the one to give an actual answer. Of course, I only receive his response together with an acknowledging smirk on his face and a suggestive undertone in his voice that brings a slight blush to my pale face. All I can do in my flustered state is nod briefly and playfully punch his upper arm.
While he gets ready to cuddle with m-...UHM, I mean 'go to bed' of course, I get cozy on the bed and prepare the laptop in the same way I did only nights before. To my pleasant surprise, Rafael is, in fact, still not wearing a shirt when he returns to my room. And, believe me, I can't help but let my gaze wander lower than where his face is.
Shamelessly, I keep my eyes glued to his pecks and abs, watching him come closer and sit down by the edge of the bed. Rafael is fit. Super fit. Beyond the 'regularly at the gym' sort of fit and way beyond the 'genetically blessed' sort of fit.
He must have certainly be training professionally or doing professional athletics to achieve this level of fitness, if he isn't still doing so.
In need of another embrace from this amazing human being, I open my arms wide to receive his body within them.
Rafael smiles widely and writhes over the mattress to accept the hug unquestioned. I don't remember falling asleep, all I know is that it is pretty early into the movie and that Rafael's bare chest is much too good of a pillow for me not to fall asleep on it.