Everything feels so far away. My mind's blurry, and the world is twisting, like I'm stuck inside a snow globe that's been shaken too hard. I try to focus on something—anything—but it's all out of reach. The edges of my thoughts are hazy, slipping away like water between my fingers.
I don't even know why I did it again. I told myself I wouldn't. I promised I wouldn't. But here I am, just... floating. I can feel the buzz in my veins, a numb kind of warmth that sinks deeper the more I let it take me. And maybe it's for the best. Maybe it's easier this way, not thinking about everything. Not thinking about him.
Kallias.
I can't escape him. Not really. Not when he's been here, in my head, buried deep for so long. He's... not good for me. I know that. He makes me feel like I'm drowning every time I look at him. But then again, I can't stop looking. I can't stop thinking about how he ruined everything. How he ruined me.
I should've stopped when I had the chance. When it was just a stupid habit, when I could live and feel without it. But I didn't. I let myself hide behind these stupid pills, that won't do anything but worsen my pain.
I can't be fixed. I know that. But not everyone around me gets it.
They don't get how deep I've sunk, how hard it is to climb back up when I'm always slipping down.
I hurt Kallias, too. I know that. And the worst part is, I don't even feel it the way I should. The guilt's there, floating, somewhere just out of reach. But it's fuzzy, like everything else. I can't grab it, can't hold onto it.
I'm just... tired. So tired of running from everything. From him. From what he did. From myself.
But I can't stop. Every time I try, I end up here. In this mess. In this numbness. And it's easier to stay in it than to face the mess I've made of everything and everyone around me.
I tell myself it's fine. It's fine. It's not. But the more I repeat it, the more I believe it.
I heard a banging sound which snapped me back to reality. It was distant and insistent, though I had no idea where it was coming from.
I'm not high enough to be imagining things. Or so I tell myself.
But no, it can't be my imagination.
The sound was too sharp, too real, cutting through the thick fog in my head.
It took me a solid five minutes just to understand that someone was knocking on my door. Five more minutes to drag myself up, stumble over something—probably nothing—fall, get up again, and finally make it there.
When I opened the door, I didn't know who was standing in front of me. My vision blurred at the edges, and I stayed frozen, swaying slightly as they threw their arms around me, holding on like they were afraid I'd disappear.
It must've been a girl—I noticed that much.
Before I could say a word, she pulled back—and slapped me. Hard.
The sound cracked through the room, and for a second, everything went still. My skin stung, the sharp pain almost, almost, sobering me up.
"What the—" The words fell out of my mouth, slurred and confused, as I pressed a shaking hand to my face.
She talked, she talked a lot, although I couldn't catch anything she said. I couldn't hear her, nor could I bring myself to care.
Rage was slowly building up inside me as I realized that someone who I probably didn't even know, slapped me across my face. And not just weakly either, no, she almost knocked me out!
Before I could react, she was already inside my room, pacing and yelling, her words crashing over me like waves I couldn't keep up with.
"Shut up for a moment," I said, my voice low and rough. I didn't know if I was calm or if I was shouting too—but either way, she stopped talking.
The silence left my ears buzzing. I stumbled toward the bathroom, splashed cold water on my face, and sank onto the tiles, knees drawn up to my chest. The cold bit through my skin, but I barely felt it. I just sat there, trying to breathe, trying to make sense of anything.
I had a stranger in my room.
And she had slapped me.
Hard.
It took everything in me just to push through the dizziness and start thinking clearly again. When I finally managed to stand, the room still tilted slightly—but at least I could stay on my feet.
"For a moment, I thought you died in there," a sharp voice called out, cutting through the haze like a knife.
The familiarity of it hit me like a punch to the gut.
I knew that voice. I knew it.
"...Sonya?" The name fell from my lips, barely more than a whisper.
She crossed her arms, eyes flashing. "You remember my name. What a surprise."
My throat closed up. I tried to swallow the lump rising there, but it wouldn't go down.
My sister was standing in front of me.
"You've grown," I said, my voice cracking. "A lot."
"No shit. People grow, Newt."
"I know that, I just—"
"Just what?" she snapped. "What excuse do you have this time? Three years, Newt. Three years and not one call. Not one message. Do you know how that felt? Do you even care? What kind of brother just disappears like that?!"
"Sonya—"
"No! You don't get to talk your way out of this!" Her voice broke, and she took a shaky breath before continuing. "I get it—you weren't doing well. But why did you have to bleed all over me? What did I ever do to deserve that?"
I wanted to explain. God, I wanted to tell her everything. The words sat heavily on my tongue, desperate to spill out—but I bit them back.
I couldn't tell her.
I couldn't rip that last piece of hope away from her—not when I'd already taken so much.
"Kallias told me you were here, you know?" Her voice softened just a little, but it only made the ache worse. "I didn't even know if you were alive. Do you understand that? I thought you were dead because that was the only reason I could think of for why you wouldn't call me."
My breath caught. "Kallias told you? When the hell did you see him?"
"Last week. He was in town for Mabel's birthday. Unlike you, he actually cares about his sister."
The words hit me harder than the slap.
But I didn't argue. I had no right to argue.
I'd left the camp a year ago and still hadn't reached out—not even once. Of course she had a right to be mad.
"I do care about you," I whispered. My voice wavered, and I closed my eyes, hoping it would somehow hold me together.
"Bullshit," she spat, and when I opened my eyes, hers were burning with tears. "You clearly care more about those stupid pills that make you so insanely high that you can't even recognize your own damn sister."
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Hey loves!
I'm sorry for not updating as often, life got so busy I had to take a little break from my phone. I'm back now, not for long but I'll make sure to publish more chapters before I have to leave again.
Give feedback if you'd like! I'd appreciate it a lot<3
Also, I'll introduce Thomas in the next chapter because I think the mood needs to lighten up a bit:)
Anyway. Take care!!