The outpatient treatment facility's group therapy room was painted in soothing sage green, but all Meredith could think of was that that was the color Derek wanted to paint the nursery- a decision he made without even considering her opinion. The walls were adorned with motivational posters that the blonde found both trite and oddly comforting. She sat in one of the circle of chairs, her fingers absently twisting her engagement ring – a nervous habit that she had been engaging in more than usual ever since she began letting Addison take the night shift with Luca two weeks prior.
"Would anyone like to share today?" Dr. Chen asked. Meredith shifted in her seat uncomfortably. When Dr. Wyatt recommended this particular program, she warned Meredith that the group therapy sessions were run by one of the intern's in New York who left surgery because of Derek. She ended up becoming a trauma counselor and relocated to Seattle where she was hired at the outpatient center the same year that Meredith was an intern and found herself caught in Derek's web. At first, she wasn't sure that she would be comfortable being face to face with someone who managed to escape the web before it was too late, but then she realized that there would be at least one person in the circle who would believe her and know that she wasn't crazy.
Meredith hadn't planned to speak. She'd been attending the program for two weeks now, and she spent the mandatory group therapy sessions mostly observing, occasionally nodding in recognition at others' stories. But today felt different. Maybe it was because Luca had slept through the night for the first time, or because Addison had kissed her goodbye that morning with such tenderness it made her heart ache. "I will," she heard herself say, surprising even herself. She cleared her throat, aware of the eyes turning toward her. "I'm Meredith, and I'm here because..." she paused, gathering her thoughts. "I'm here because I'm terrified of becoming my abuser." The words hung in the air, heavy with truth. From the corner of her eye, she noticed one of the participants shift in their seat, but she kept her focus on her hands. "I have a son, he's almost seven months old and every time I hold him, every time he cries, there's this voice in my head wondering if I'm capable of the same violence that was done to me." She took a deep breath. "When I was pregnant the first time – not with my son, it was about a year before I got pregnant with Luca– my husband pushed me during an argument. I lost the baby." Someone gasped softly, but Meredith continued, the words flowing now that she'd started. "He apologized, said it would never happen again. But it did. Over and over, in different ways. The physical abuse, the emotional manipulation, the way he'd make me question my own reality. When I got pregnant the second time, I didn't want to tell him, but when he caught me throwing up about a week after I found out, I didn't have a choice but to tell him. At that point he wasn't hitting me and I didn't believe that he was physically abusive, but I was still scared. Derek was..." she searched for the right word. "Cruel. And I had learned a long time ago that it was best to stay on his good side, so I told him that I thought I was pregnant. He never found out that I lied and had already known for a week and considering how he escalated during my pregnancy, that lie about me not yet knowing and him never putting together that it was in fact a lie, may have saved both mine and Luca's lives." She wiped the tears from her face and took a shuddering breath.
"How does this affect your relationship with your son now?" Dr. Chen prompted gently.
"I'm overprotective. I know I am. I barely let anyone else hold him, even my fiancé, who's amazing and patient and everything my ex-husband wasn't. I check his breathing constantly. I'm terrified of leaving him at daycare, even though it's literally in the hospital where I work." Meredith laughed humorlessly. "I'm a surgeon. I'm supposed to be rational, logical. But when it comes to Luca, I can't think straight sometimes. Addison, that's my fiancé, she says that it's understandable considering everything that I went through during my pregnancy, but I don't want him to grow up afraid. A couple of weeks ago, the same day I started coming here actually, he rolled over for the first time." She smiled proudly. "He was so pleased with himself, then he looked at me and I might have been imagining it, but for a split second I swear I saw him almost look scared."
"Do you think that he was scared of you?" Dr. Chen asked, but Meredith quickly shook her head no.
"I don't think he was scared so much of me as he was scared that I was going to freak out and wrap him in bubble wrap." Meredith explained quietly. "When I found out about my ex husband's death and my ex mother in law's intention to go to court for visitation of Luca, I held him so tight against my chest that when I finally let go his face was beet red." She felt tears stream down her face at the memory. "He's used to my anxiety, it's really the only version of me that he knows. I didn't even get to enjoy my pregnancy, because I spent the entire twenty nine weeks that I carried Luca in survival mode. My ex husband starved me, he beat me, I was hospitalized for high blood pressure twice, and then I finally got away, but he still found ways to torture me. Then at our divorce hearing, he scared me so badly that I went into labor and Luca could have died, he still could. Two weeks ago he was hospitalized for three days because he stopped breathing while he was in daycare and they had to do CPR. I am terrified of losing him and he feels it, so when he rolled over I think a part of him thought that I wouldn't be happy."
"How did you feel when he rolled over?"
"I was so happy and so proud of my little monkey." Meredith smiled through her tears. "He's growing up so fast and I want him to grow up happy and unafraid. I want him to be independent, but letting go is... terrifying."
As she spoke, she didn't notice the dark-haired woman in the back of the room who had gone completely still, her hands gripping her chair's armrests so tightly her knuckles had turned white. After the session ended, Meredith was gathering her things when a familiar voice stopped her cold. "Meredith?" She turned slowly, her heart hammering in her chest. Amelia Shepherd stood before her, looking both smaller and more vulnerable than Meredith had ever seen her. Gone was the confident and slightly inappropriate woman that Meredith knew when she was married to Derek. This Amelia looked haunted. "I didn't know you'd be here," Amelia said quickly. "I mean, obviously. I'm here for... well, it doesn't matter. Would you maybe want to get coffee? To talk?"
Meredith's first instinct was to refuse, to run. But something in Amelia's expression – a mixture of guilt and genuine concern – made her pause. She pulled out her phone, checking the time. "I need to check on Luca first." she said, already dialing the hospital daycare's number. After confirming that he was fine, having just finished a bottle with Addison who had stopped by during her lunch break, Meredith nodded. "Okay. Coffee. But just for a little while."
They walked in silence to a small café across from the treatment center. It wasn't until they were seated with their drinks – herbal tea for Amelia, strong coffee for Meredith – that either of them spoke. "I didn't know," Amelia blurted out. "About the baby. The first one. Derek never told us."
Meredith stared into her coffee. "Why would he? It would have ruined his image as the perfect son, the perfect brother, the perfect surgeon."
"He was like our dad," Amelia said, her voice quiet. "At least, he tried to be. Dad only drank at Christmas, just one glass of wine. Derek was the same way. That's why I'm so confused about... about how he died. Drunk driving? It doesn't make sense."
Meredith's hands tightened around her cup. "People aren't always who they seem to be, Amelia. People change, sometimes for the worst. You of all people should know that."
"I do know that. God, do I know that." Amelia ran a hand through her hair. "I should have said something. When I saw how he treated you, I just laughed. But I was... I was so high most of the time I saw you guys, I barely registered anything beyond my next fix. He treated you like a dog, and I just... I let it happen. I am sorry, Meredith."
The raw honesty in Amelia's voice made Meredith look up. She saw tears in the younger woman's eyes.
"You were dealing with your own demons," Meredith said softly. "And honestly? You were always my favorite Shepherd. The only one who seemed real."
A ghost of a smile crossed Amelia's face. "Thank you. High praise, considering the competition." Her expression turned serious again. "For the record, I think everything that my mother is doing is wrong."
"She's grieving Derek, it doesn't make it okay, but when I left, I went through my own grieving process and I did some things that I'm not proud of either." Meredith shrugged.
"Am I allowed to ask about that?" Amelia bit her lip and Meredith couldn't help but notice the slight shake in her hands.
"You're in withdrawal, aren't you?" Meredith asked.
"I've been clean for a whole fifteen hours." Amelia forced a smile. "I had eight months, but then Derek died and my mom went psycho, so I relapsed. My therapist recommended the treatment program a few weeks ago, but up until today I was in another group therapy session. If it makes you uncomfortable, I can switch again."
"No, um, it's fine." Meredith tripped over her words. Part of her was glad that there was a familiar face, but at the same time this was Derek's sister and arguably the one who looked the most like him. "I didn't realize that you were in Seattle. Last I heard from Derek, you were in LA."
"I was." Amelia nodded. "I came when Derek left, I work at Mercy West."
"If I tell you about the grieving process I went through after leaving Derek, will you tell me why you came to Seattle after Derek went to Minnesota?" Meredith took a small sip of her coffee.
"Sure." Amelia agreed. "Would you like me to go first?" When Meredith nodded, Amelia took a deep breath before starting. "All the times that I visited Seattle, I liked it and I thought that I could build a life here away from my triggers and past mistakes, but then I remembered that Derek was here, and he never did it front of you, but he loved to remind me of my biggest mistakes. I wouldn't have been able to stay clean if he was here, so when I found out that he left, I moved here and I started therapy and I was clean until..."
"Until he died unexpectedly and your mother started screaming about how I was keeping your family away from the last remaining piece of Derek." Meredith finished for her as she looked up. "Luca may have Derek's DNA, but he isn't Derek's son. I don't just say that because his rights were terminated, but because he's too pure and innocent to have any connection other than DNA to someone so dark and cruel. Derek wanted to name him Damien, actually not just wanted, he did name him that. He had carefully planned everything out without even talking to me. Luca is not Derek's son, he's mine and Addison's." Amelia reached across the table and laid her shaking hand over Meredith's who surprisingly didn't flinch.
"I know what you mean." Tears shone in Amelia's eyes. "I was pregnant once. My dealer raped me when I was so high that I didn't even know where I was and I got pregnant. I loved that baby, and I knew that despite how they were conceived and who provided the other half of their DNA, he wasn't theirs. He was mine. I ended up miscarrying, probably due to the drugs, but I still love that baby and I still know that despite the darkness surrounding their conception, they would be good." Amelia paused momentarily before continuing. "Mer, I know that Derek had some... old fashion views, if Luca's conception wasn't totally consensual then I am so so sorry." Meredith shut her eyes and took a deep breath, flashes of the night she conceived Luca flashing in her mind.
"I can't talk about that." Meredith whispered. "But thank you."
"You're welcome." Amelia took a sip of her tea. "So, grieving Derek?"
"When I finally left, I was able to breathe for the first time in years and it gave me the chance to see my marriage through a different lense." Meredith explained. "I reconnected with my friends and found out their perspective on my marriage and I had to grieve the person I thought I was married to while also having to come to grips with the fact that everything was a carefully constructed facade to trap me and make me fully dependent on him. And the worst part is I was doing this while I was pregnant."
"Can I ask about your fiancé? My mom says that she was your doctor that manipulated you away from Derek, but I have the feeling that there is a lot more to the story than the bullshit that Derek fed our mother." Amelia shook her head and rolled her eyes as she thought about her mother. The mother who idolized Derek, but was never there for her and only talked to her when she needed something or needed someone to direct her anger at.
"Addison was my doctor, but we also worked on a few cases together and she became my friend." Meredith couldn't help but smile when she thought about the early days when her friendship with Addison was starting to bloom. "She noticed red flags during my first appointment and recognized that I needed a friend, so she was my friend. Neither one of us expected to fall in love, but we did. It was gradual, but then it was all at once. Kind of like falling asleep. She's patient and she understands me in a way no one else ever has. She's an amazing mother and Luca just adores her. I know it's genetically impossible, but sometimes when I look at him, I see her. She's a good person and nothing like what your mother said about her on TV. Derek blamed Addie for the breakdown of our marriage, but it was his fault. Addie didn't manipulate me into think my husband was slapping me while I lay in a hospital bed with high blood pressure simply because I said something he didn't like, that is what happened. Being married to Derek was like navigating a mind field, and when I got pregnant and started to stand up for myself there were multiple explosions."
"Would you mind if I saw a picture of Luca?" Amelia's voice was veiled with fear and although Meredith hesitated for a moment, she took out her phone and found a picture of Luca from the night before of him laid out on his playmate before bedtime, a smirk on his face while his eyes sparkled, his thick blonde curls wild just like Meredith's. Amelia's eyes widened as she looked at the picture. "Oh my god, Meredith. He's literally a mini you! Those eyes, that little mischievous smirk, those wild blonde curls that will probably become uncomfortable waves as he gets older– that's all Grey. I swear, it's like you made him yourself!"
Despite herself, Meredith felt a surge of pride. "Yeah, he doesn't look much like..." she trailed off.
"Like Derek," Amelia finished. "Maybe that's a blessing."
They sat in companionable silence for a moment before Meredith spoke again. "I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for you to be part of his life, Amelia. Not really. There's too much history, too much pain."
Amelia nodded. "I understand. I do. But thank you for this – for talking to me, for showing me his picture. For being honest about Derek. It helps, somehow, knowing I wasn't crazy. That what I saw was real. Sometimes I couldn't help but wonder if it was just the oxy." She let out a bitter laugh and Meredith's eyes softened with sympathy.
"Amelia, if you ever want help, more help than just outpatient, I want you to call me." Meredith pulled a pen and a scrap of paper out of her purse and scribbled down her number. "Addison has connections, we could help get you into an intensive rehab program." She slid the paper over to Amelia who stared at it for a long moment before slipping it into her pocket.
"Thank you." Amelia whispered. "I'll think about it."
After they finished talking, Meredith went to the hospital to pick Luca up from daycare and brought him home for some quality time before Addison arrived home after her shift. She laid him down on his playmat in the living room and sat down next to him. "I missed you today monkey, but mommy needs help so she can be the best mommy possible for you, but I want you to know that I am so proud of you for learning to roll over and being the sweet, empathetic little guy that you are." She smiled and then laughed when, as if on cue, Luca rolled over.
"Goo!" Luca looked up at Meredith with a proud smile and she couldn't help but take a picture and text it to Addison.
"That's my boy! Good job!" Meredith praised and clapped her hands together. "I am so proud of you!" She smiled and giggled at the look of concentration on Luca's face as he pushed himself back over and rolled onto his back again.
"Oooh!" Luca giggled as he reached his arms out for Meredith, who happily picked him up and pressed multiple kisses to his wild blonde curls and inhaled his baby powder scent.
"I love you so much little guy." Meredith felt tears sting at her eyes, but they were tears of pride for how well Luca was doing despite everything. "I'm sorry if I'm a little crazy sometimes."
"You're not crazy, just a little frazzled sometimes." Addison's voice startled Meredith, but it didn't take long before a smile graced her face.
"Get over here and kiss us!" Meredith demanded with a giggle as she extended one arm towards Addison and made a grabby motion.
"Gladly." Addison let out a tinkling laugh that never failed to warm Meredith's heart as she kicked her high heels off and practically ran over to the two of them. She kissed Luca's chubby cheek before loosely cupping Meredith's chin and turning her head so she could press a soft and loving kiss to her lips. "How was your day?"
"It was... interesting." Meredith settled on. "I talked during group therapy today."
"How did that go?" Addison brushed a particularly wild blonde wave out of Meredith's eyes and tucked it behind her ear.
"It felt good." Meredith smiled. "I talked a lot about Luca and my attachment to him. Letting go isn't easy, but I know it's not healthy for me to be so obsessive. It may make sense, but that doesn't mean it's healthy."
"You have been doing really well at letting me take night shifts these past couple of weeks." Addison reminded her. "I know that it hasn't been easy for you."
"It hasn't, but I know that he's safe with you. That I'm not the only one capable of keeping him safe." Meredith smiled as Luca babbled in her arms and kissed his blonde curls. "Something else happened, why don't we put Mr. Man here in his bouncer and I'll tell you about it while we cook dinner?"
"You're going to help me cook?" Addison tried and failed to keep the amusement off of her face as she raised an eyebrow. "I may have had a relatively boring day at work, but that doesn't mean that I want to liven it up with a house fire."
"So mean." Meredith kissed Addison softly. "I am perfectly capable of cutting vegetables. I happen to cut things for a living in case you forgot."
"How could I ever forget that my fiancé, who I love so deeply, is an extraordinary pediatric surgeon?" Addison chuckled softly.
"Fellow." Meredith reminded her. "I'm a pediatric fellow."
"A fellow is still a surgeon Edie, you still cut people open, quite beautifully if I may add." Addison smiled warmly as she stood up and held her arms out. "Here, I'll take him so you can stand up without Mr. Chub throwing off your balance." Meredith kissed Luca's head before letting Addison take him. "Hey Monkey." Addison smiled at Luca as she adjusted him on her hip and kissed him on the forehead as she ran her hand through his thick curls. "I missed you today."
"Goo!" Luca giggled. "Ahhh boo!"
"Oh really?" Addison laughed while Meredith stood up off of the floor. "You tell the best stories in the world, Bubba."
"He does, doesn't he." Meredith smiled as she watched Addison and Luca interact. "I love watching you with him. He knows that you're his mama, I think he may have known before either one of us did."
"I think you're right." Addison pulled Meredith to them and kissed her temple. "So, dinner?" Once the blonde nodded they walked into the kitchen and Addison settled Luca into his bouncer and took a minute to just look at him in adoration. "I still can't get over how chubby and handsome our little guy is."
"I know." Meredith wrapped her arms around Addison from behind and rested her chin on her fiancé's shoulder. "If you didn't know he was born early, you would think I delivered him full term." She kissed Addison's cheek. "Dinner?"
Addison turned around in Meredith's arms and kissed her softly, smiling into the kiss. "Yes. It's time for you to show me your veggie chopping skills."
Shortly thereafter, Meredith was chopping peppers and onions while Addison started the base of the sauce for the pasta they had decided to make. "Derek's youngest sister, Amelia, is in the same group therapy group as me. We talked afterwards and it turns out that not only does she believe me, but she apologized for never speaking up and for laughing at the way Derek treated me. She said she was so high during the times that she saw us, that part of her didn't know if it was real and part of her simply didn't care about anything but her next fix."
"Amelia is the one that you actually liked, other than the drug problem, right?" Addison asked.
"Yeah, she was the only one who ever seemed genuine and real. The only one who didn't withhold her emotions and carefully decide which ones to show." Meredith explained. "I know that the restraining order applies to all the Shepherd's, but I don't think Amelia is a threat. I don't know if I want her in our lives, let alone Luca's, but I don't want her to get into trouble for being in the same therapy group as me at the very least."
"That makes sense." Addison commented, stirring the pasta sauce. "What's she like?"
Meredith considered this as she chopped vegetables. "Complicated. Brilliant, probably. Damaged, definitely. But there's something... authentic about her. She's not trying to pretend everything's fine, you know?"
"Unlike the rest of the Shepherds," Addison noted.
"Exactly." Meredith set down her knife, turning to face Addison, she couldn't help but smile at how natural the redhead looked as she stirred the pasta sauce as she poured in spices and some of the vegetables that Meredith had already chopped . "I gave her my phone number and told her that if she ever wants more help than just outpatient, that we can help her get into a good rehab. She had eight months until Derek died and Carolyn went psycho." She paused for a moment before adding. "Her words not mine."
Addison abandoned the sauce to wrap her arms around Meredith from behind. "How do you feel about how everything went?"
"Honestly? I don't know. Part of me wants to keep her at arm's length forever, protect Luca from anything connected to Derek. But another part..." she leaned back into Addison's embrace. "Another part recognizes that she's as much a victim of that family as I was, just in a different way."
"You don't have to decide anything now," Addison murmured, pressing a kiss to Meredith's temple. "We can take it day by day." Luca began to fuss in his bouncer and Meredith turned to grab him, but was stopped by Addison's gentle hand on her arm.
"I got him. He probably just needs a diaper change." Addison kissed Meredith's temple once more before she bent down to lift Luca out of his bouncer. "Oh yeah, someone needs a diapy change! Yes they do!" The little boy giggled in his mama's arms as she carried him towards the stairs.
Watching Addison leave the kitchen, Meredith felt a familiar flutter of anxiety, but it was softer now, more manageable. Once the two great loves of Meredith's life reached the nursery, she could hear Addison's voice through the monitor, singing softly to their son, and something in her chest loosened just a little more. Maybe that's what healing really was, she thought – not the absence of fear, but learning to live alongside it, to recognize it without letting it control you. She picked up the knife again, resuming her chopping as she let Addison's soothing voice and Luca's happy gurgling comfort her. One day at a time, she reminded herself. One moment at a time. That's all anyone could ask for.