« Stop looking at him Faye, it's a waste of time ! ». That's what my friends Rosie, Effie and Georgie have been literally yelling at me for about 10 minutes now.
« Girls I can't. He is the one. I know it. Plus, I saw glancing in my direction. It's a sign of the time! Please girls tell me that you got it, right? ».. Yes, I may have been delusional when I shouted them back this way too cliche sentence. But I knew he had been glancing in my direction, I could make this fact up. And yes, I can be way too optimist sometimes.
« Oh my god Faye, please tell us that you are drunk! You can't be serious right now. He is just one of those famous pop star who doesn't give a care in the world about people like us, you know the normal ones ». Said Rosie trying to get her third « bloody Mary » drink since we got here.
Inside of me, I kind of knew that she wasn't wrong but at the same time trying to reach for the unreachable wasn't the stupidest thing to do. Well, in my case in could I guess. After all, I'm just a way too curvy and a way too unexperienced 24 years old woman, but mostly way too unlucky regarding my looks to get to the point that, me Faye Buchanan would manage to get involved in a relationship with Harry Styles. I don't want to sound pathetic or pitiful but sometimes you cannot deny the truth, a truth you have to deal with every single day of your life.
« Faye to Earth! Earth to Faye, hello! » said Rosie, my best friend yet to be the wife of one of the best neuro surgeon of Los Angeles.
Rosie wasn't just a lucky girl, she was one of those blessed with the « flawless option » women. She was so beautiful and yet so unaware of it which made it harder not to despise her sometimes. God, I sound so jealous although she is one of my best friends. Oh did I tell you that she was extremely smart on top of that? I remember that day when we were 19 and she called us at midnight urging Georgie, Effie and I to come at her place. Thinking she was dealing with a serious issue, I made my way to her place, stressed as hell. Only to be greeted by the happiest human being I had ever seen :
« Faye I got into Harvard. I got my acceptation email! Oh my gosh my Faye you don't know how much I will never forget this day. Like ever. »
I didn't forget that day either, since the next morning I received my Harvard application answer and it was a no or more like a polite « oh hell no ». I got to study French law in a public university in France just because they needed a specific quota of foreigners in their university.
Anyway... I suddenly felt bittersweet and decided to ignore Rosie's and Effie's worried looks and took another shot of this new drink that everyone had been talking about but whom I had zero clue of what its name was.
« You know what, I think you should go talk to him ». I almost spat my drink all over my overused jean when I heard Georgie saying this.
« Are you insane? You know what's going to happen. Plus, she's going to be a mess when this guy is going to say a brutal no to her ». Said the heartless version of Effie who was more focused on texting with her new beau than enjoying this girl night out.
Weirdly her words didn't affected me as much as it should had. I oddly was okay with her thinking that he would obviously refuse to go out with me. Even though I try not to, I constantly am self conscious about my weight, a weight that polite people would put the word « strong » on (« oh what a strong woman you are ») but whom I would put the word « obese » on. Those IMC calculator websites would surely agree with me on that fact. But still, under my friends opinion, I would wear dresses, skirt or whatever would wear a fit woman. I don't really know why, even though I just wear these on our girls night out. On my daily life and being a lawyer assistant in a well known law firm I would never dress like that ever.
That night I had opted for a white and black mid long dress, with those kind of shoes you only wear once since they were high heels and high heels are what I like to call : serial foot killers. Every sain woman knows that. My long black hair were tight in a chignon whereas my make up certainly looked faded because of the heat coming from this nightclub. And god knows I sweat way too easily when other perfect girls need to google image the word « sweat » to know what it is.
« She's right Georgie, I'm just going to stay here staring at him for a little and I swear I'll forget about him tomorrow morning » . I said suddenly being self conscious of who I was.
The three of them looked at me, full of remorses as If they did hear my inner thoughts yelling at me : « you're going to make a fool of yourself. Do not go. He's going to make fun of you ».
« No Faye, life isn't about dreaming it's about conquering your aspiration in life. So, if right now your aspiration in life is to go talk to this pop star guy and ask him to hang out. Then go. Just enjoy the moment. And if he's too dumb to not realize how amazing you are then come back to us, we will leave as quick as possible to get ice cream and make fun of him for the rest of the night ». Said «Georgie number 2 » (this girl must live with two personalities) her hands squeezing real hard my shoulders, gazing at him as if she was trying to hypnotise me.
For once, I stopped overthinking and with one last glance at my friends I headed to Harry's one and only direction (no bad joke intended). The closer I got the more I could notice how good looking he was in person. His hair, his style, everything seemed to suit him so well that I felt my heart skip a beat knowing that in a matter of seconds I would be talking to him. And even though I looked awful today, Georgie's number 2 wise words made me keep on walking towards his way. When I awkwardly sat down next to him he immediately looked at me, a smile on his gorgeous face and said with his beautiful British accent:
Hey there! »
When I unexpectedly felt like he actually was enjoying the fact that I eventually came up to him I managed to pronounce those few words. Not understanding the reason why my brain decided to go on a break :
« Good.. Good mor..ning »
I swear I wanted to slap myself real hard. How could I be so stupid? My « good morning » must have made such an unforgettable first impression that he began to smirk. And at that exact moment all I wanted to do was to get out of my body and run as fast as possible away from him and my craziness of the night.
« Well, that's a new. What's your name darling? » His eyes were now scanning my whole damn not perfect self and I suddenly felt like sweat was coming out of my forehead.
« My name is Fa- ... »
« Listen, would you mind helping me with something? Could you please tell your friend Rosie that I miss her, and that from here, she still looks like a goddess. »
Hearing Rosie's name and realizing that he did not even let me finish saying my name made me loose my sanity. He gazed at me, almost worried but all I could do was staring at him as if he told to leave him alone and I instinctively crossed my arms and began touching my right wrist, the touch of my scars under the sleeve of my dress made me understand that either I could tell with self confidence that his behavior was unacceptable or flee as fast as possible and do the only thing that would calm me in such a humiliating situation.Guess what I choose :
« Su...re I'll t..tell her ».
« WAIT ! » I heard him shout with his sumptuous British accent.
I ignored him and the tears that I had managed to control the whole time were now pouring on my cheeks and my eyes were so blurry that I could hardly see the people I was shoving on my way to the toilets. It's only when I walked by the girls that I looked at Rosie and said :
« What kind of friends are you to... to let me dream ab...about a guy who's clearly into you? Why did you never tell... m...me about you and him? And for god's sake why did you let me go knowing that he hadn't acknowledge my existence at all? ».
Without waiting any more seconds I headed to the toilets, letting a shocked Georgie and Effie and a crying Rosie (she had to play the victim I guess).
I locked myself into the toilet, my eyes were still so blurry as hell. With my hands trembling I managed to open my small way too pricy Miu Miu bag and tried looking for only one little thing, the only thing that I needed to stop the pain from seeking into my body : my razor blade. When I, at least found it, I removed my sleeve from my right arm and began cutting multiple times avoiding my already bruised wrist. Putting my wrist above the toilet hole I let the blood sink and I finally felt a wave of relief that I had been hoping for. But it didn't stop myself from crying hard. Not because he had been rude to me without even really knowing it but because once again, I made a fool of myself. I let my imagination fool me, I let myself be the naive girl that I hate being when I'm out with my oh so confident and beautiful friends. Why couldn't I realize that we weren't playing at the same level of this stupid « find a soulmate game ».
Gosh, why was I making it such big of a deal ? After all, it was obvious that the perfect Harry Styles would never have fall for me. Love at first sight, my ass. I was so deep in my thoughts, blood still sinking that I didn't hear footsteps coming my way and a male voice saying :
« Please, open the door. I know you're there ». It was the voice of the one I would have never imagine hearing again in such a short lapse of time : Harry's.
Under the shock of realizing he had been following me, giving an actual care but not my oh so best friends made me speechless. But mostly under a deep panic knowing that the timing what the worst ever.
« Let me alone, I'm... I'm busy. » I said slowly standing up and taking enough paper to wrap it around my bleeding wrist.
« You are not doing what people usually do in toilets so please open this door. This is serious and you know it ».
An utter shock of realization that he managed to understand what I had been doing made me loose my mind. Nobody had ever known my little secret. A secret I had kept since I was 13. Doing it wasn't a call of help, it just was my way of keeping a trace of every bit of deep sadness that I had in my life. Such as at 13 when I found out that nobody wanted to be my friend at school because people didn't want to get their reputation ruined hanging out with the « cow » as they would call me. Or at 15 when I came under the realization that I was the only girl not having a boyfriend or a secret admirer at school. Or at 18 when I struggled so hard with my weight during the summer, that the frustration of not being able to wear bikinis or not having a group of friends to hang out with during the summer made me hurt myself even more. I would not say that it gets easier with time, but it gets more acceptable. I do it as a secret powerful medicine of mine that nobody knows about but whom I sure I'd be judge if anyone knew about it. And yes, I was the best at hiding my scars, people thought I was a « long sleeve lover » just because of my weight but I surely was not.
Still panicked and deeply unconscious of the serious situation I got myself in, I took the razor blade that I had left on the floor and placed it under my right hand, pressuring it enough so that it would hurt me even more. I stopped crying and brutally opened up the door to an oddly worried Harry Styles. And at that exact moment I didn't care how I looked nay how I my brutal gesture must have been scary, the only thing I cared about at that exact moment was to make him regret and to make him feel really bad about himself.
« You know what Harry Edward Styles? I'll stop whatever you think I was doing if you say my name. » I said calmly but still looking like a fury. Even though the pain that was giving me the blade hidden in my right hand gave me an exquisite moment of relief.
« You are not playing fair right now and you know it » He replied, remorses showing up on his face. Then he looked at my arms and said with an unexpected angry tone :
« Show me your right hand right now! »
Not being able to deal with this way too unexpected situation I backed out and yelled :
« DON'T YOU DARE APPROACHING ME OR I SWEAR I ... »
And then he did the most unexpected thing I could have ever think of : he abruptly but gently pushed on the wall of the toilet and in a swift movement grabbed both of my arms by placing them above my head. The razor blade now on the floor, his face suddenly came inches from mine and he slowly but firmly said :
« You what ugh? »
His words and the way that he kept looking at me as if I he was trying to figure out something about me made me feel so caught off guard that at first, I didn't even notice that he had removed one of his hands from my now lifted arms and grabbed some tissue to wrap it around the now bleeding palm of my right hand. The touch of his warm fingers on my cold hand gave me such a sudden wave of realization that I immediately reacted by firmly pushing him away from me with my left hand but he came back closer this time. I was so focused on trying to get away from this situation and the anxiety that he was giving me that at first I didn't realize that he also got injured by the razor blade. It must have happened when he first pushed on the wall, it was a short cut but yet pretty deep on the thumb of his right hand. However when I looked into his eyes, he didn't seem to feel the hurt, instead his face had remain neutral the whole time and looked way more concerned about myself than he should had. That is at this exact moment that I felt myself unable to pursue this unreal situation and my mind just decided to let go. I closed my eyes and just let my tears fall deciding to cry my eyes out as if he wasn't here. Feeling my body to heavy for my own sadness I lost balance and fell on the cold hard floor. Not paying attention to the fact that Harry immediately grabbed me by my waist and slowly made both of us sat down on the floor.
He then he put his arm around my shoulders and with his right injured hand slowly covered my bloody wrist by giving it gently yet unexpected caresses. And now, all I could hear was the water sinking, loud bad music and Harry's slow beating heart. I didn't dare looking at his face, all I wanted to do stay numb even though it was in his arms and even though I knew that after this I won't ever see his face again. And you might say, but girl you are in his arms right now, don't you feel lucky? Yes, I was in his arms but for the wrongest reasons, the reasons that nobody would ever associate to what love is. And this did hurt a little bit more.
« What's your name ? He suddenly said with his dark husky voice mixed with slight annoyance and concern.
« What for? » I clearly had nothing in mind, it wasn't to make him regret his behavior or something, I just honestly didn't feel like giving him my name would improve the situation or making it less dramatic. I would never see him again, I was fully aware of it so what was the point of letting him know the name of the person he got to stop cutting herself in a toilet after humiliating her?
« I want to know the name of the person I'm going to spend a little bit of time with » He said, whispering in my ear. Letting myself shift a little by the sudden gesture. Nobody had ever been whispering in my ear in that kind of way. Obviously I did not realize at first what he said I just abruptly replied :
« I have to go. ». Here was the first part guys, hope you enjoyed reading what seems to be the beginning of a very long story aah! Will do regular updates so don't hesitate to follow me to get notifications and to notify me any comments, critics you would have for my story, would love to get them! And if you also have stories I would love to read yours and comment on them too ! Ps: I'm French, English isn't my first language but I'm in love with it so..haha! So excuse the English mistakes ! - Sincerely yours (xoxo;) see you soon! -Ferdaouss