I never liked school. Never did and never will, which I'm pretty sure you know my reason why from the glimpse of my deathly experience regarding it. But what kept me going in life was my little sister, Noelle.
She was the utmost sweetest little girl in this world who deserved a better life, a better home, and a better family. My innocent baby sister deserved better, and apparently I am the only one in this world who is able to grant that wish.
"How was your first day at school, Noelle?" I asked, fearing her path in life would be the same as mine.
"Awesome!" she squealed, bouncing on her toys as her eyes glossed over, reliving her experience in school. "T-There was this girl named T-Terrah a-and...and s-she's exactly not like me."
"Slow down there," I chuckled, swinging our clasped hands a bit in a calm rhythm. "Collect your thoughts, sister. That way you can clearly tell me what exactly is so different about the two of you."
"She has black hair, I have blonde hair. She has blue eyes, I have green eyes. She loves vanilla, and I love chocolate! Isn't that awesome?"
"Totally. So, how did the two of you meet?"
"Today at lunchtime! She saw that vanilla pudding swirl you packed me last night and fell in love with it. She says that it was her 'Prince Charming," she giggled. "Weird, huh?"
"Definitely," I beamed.
At least I knew her school life was going to be stellar while I'm away at college, unlike what Jason had done with me. I vowed to be the greatest big sister of all time, despite the hardships I'd face along the way. Because, no matter what, I'd put Noelle first in my life.
"Hey, do you wanna visit the park?" I asked, not wanting to go home just yet. I didn't want to cease this short lived tranquility between Noelle and I. It was the tranquility that allowed the both of us to forget about our chaotic lives.
"Really? Of course I want to visit the park, it would be awesome!"
I always loved her spirit. She was the exact opposite of me, but also the same. She was a blonde, I was a brunette. She was a fan of dogs, I preferred cats. She was a shy, but timid spitfire, while I was just almost a literal nobody. Her eyes was green, mine was brown. But you know what they say, opposites attract.
Noelle had everything going for her. And I was here to make sure it was to remain that way. I was here to make sure that she would receive what was promised to me when I was her age. I was here to give her the live that I should've had after that fated incident three years ago. Every one will recognize how useful Noelle is, how beautiful she is inside and out. And they won't dump her, just as Jason dumped me for the swish of another woman's hips.
"Hey, are you even listening to me?" I heard Noelle sigh aloud, breaking my deep ponder.
"I'm sorry, Noelle. Could you repeat that for me again?"
She huffed, "Can we, pretty please, go to the swings?"
I was shocked. We rarely ever went to the park, but whenever we did, she would always race to the direction of any other activity besides the swings. She viewed the set to be a lot more foreboding than getting electrocuted or cooked alive by the slide.
"Aren't you afraid of the..."
"Nope, not anymore. I'm a big girl now, "she beamed, puffing out her chest to prove what she spoke were truths. That she genuinely was not afraid of the swing set. "Besides, Terrah showed me how."
Happily I sighed a, "Of course you can to go."
She flashed me an even larger beam before racing towards the swings. But suddenly she stop, whipping her small head around to look at me. Her small legs began to quickly carry her back to me, arms barely wrapping around my waist in a hug that seemed to be tight for her.
"Best big sister ever," she whispered adoringly. "I love you, Maggie."
I softly smiled back, eyes watering. " I love you, too."
Noelle then escaped from my grasp, sprinting back towards the swings. But I couldn't help but wonder how in the world Noelle had done it. How in the world could Noelle still be Noelle after experiencing hell at home?
I mean, looking at myself, even I wonder how I'm able to go through so many problems without breaking. Daily pondering whether it was my looks, my personality, or even my lifestyle why people aren't of me. I wondered what was wrong with me so much to have others hurt me.
Why me?
I sometimes thought crazy, suicidal thoughts. And sometimes I thought about cutting myself or taking pills to ease down my wrecked thoughts a bit. To abate my problem by damaging my body, but I just couldn't pull myself to do it. Every time I tried, something was there stopping me. And that was my sole motivation, Noelle, there to save me. Every time.
But there was this one time, while Noelle was in daycare, I found a gun in my Dad's sock drawer. I remember myself just staring at it. And all I could think was how easy it was to end my life. Just like that, no one would suffer because of me. But just like that, my conscious screamed one name who would suffer from my death, one name that I'd ruin their life because of my death.
Noelle.
"Hey, nerd!" I heard a feminine voice shout from across the playground, snapping me out of my thoughts. Inwardly, I sighed in irritation. Every time I tried to find some sort of piece, trouble would always find me. It never fails. Even when I'm outside of school, I didn't have any freedom.
"Is she talking about you?" Noelle asked, climbing off of the swing and closer to me.
I nodded, turning towards the feminine voice. It was probably Amber and her cheer squad, cheering about who can lose their virginity first with their dances. Actually, scratch that. They all lost their virginity ages ago. They're probably cheering who can...
Forget it. I can't think of a snarky comeback.
"Let's go home," I muttered, taking her hand and walking in the direction towards our home.
"Nerd, are you deaf or something?" she continued, growing closer.
"Just ignore her," I muttered again towards Noelle, picking up my pace.
"I'll remember that! Just wait till tomorrow comes!"
I sometimes wondered why the heck do they bother me if they don't like me? And then they get pissed over the fact that I ignored them. Like, what other response did the expect from me? Even though they treated me lesser than a human being, I still was one. Meaning, I still had human emotions that drive me to safety.
-
As soon as I walked into the house, I was met with a large palm smacked against my cheek. I then hit the floor, sputtering to gain any common knowledge on what I did to receive that.
"Daddy, no!" I heard Noelle scream, instantly regaining my conscious from the shock. I knew that if I had stayed on the ground any longer, my father would hurt Noelle. Right before he took a swing in her direction, I kicked his balls, causing him to groan in pain.
"You slut," My father grunted, dropping to his knees on the floor in a fetal position. "I can't believe you just defied me," he chuckled maniacally, positioning himself to stand. "How dare you? Who are you to do this to me? You're nothing more than a piece of trash I grunted out seventeen years ago."
"I guess that makes you lesser than me to produce trash," I glared, instantly regretting my words. I knew I should have kept my snarky comments to myself, clutching them on a tight leash. But no, of course I had to let one slip at the worst moment ever. I mean, it wasn't like I had a long list of reasons my father should punish me already today.
"What?"
"Joseph, please," my mother pleaded with my father. "Don't do this. I-Is it sex? That's what you want, right? Just leave our girls alone."
"What did you just say?" he calmly asked, silently sending a frightening glare her direction. "Is that all you think I care about? Sex? Did you not just f*cking hear what that daughter said?"
"Of course I did," she sighed in exasperation. "But it doesn't change the fact that you are abusing them. Not just physically, but mentally, Joesph."
Father then chuckled, "Like I give a damn."
"But you give a damn about Jason!" She screamed, voice raising in volume. Using this distraction, I began to inch away from the scene, indicating to Noelle to follow in suit. "And that is so like you, Joesph! You give a damn about every one else besides your family."
"Jason is family."
"Not yours," she mumbled, eyes gazing aside her to the wall.
"I'm sorry," father chuckled. His eyes followed my mother's frame, shifting to what she could possibly be gazing at, to her frame once more. "I think I misheard you."
"Jason is not your son."
Time to go.
Grasping a firm hold on Noelle's trembling palm, I began to inch my sister and I further away from the scene.
"So, you cheated on me."
"No," she denied, body trembling as my father towered. "I was forced."
I couldn't listen to their conversation anymore. It was a painful subject that I was not willing to process at the moment. The only thing I could have in mind was the dire need to whisk Noelle to safety.
Thankfully, Momma purposely drifted his attention to give her two daughters the chance to escape. Usually, after his beatings, father would drown himself in whiskey until he passed out. And sometimes he would force my mother into sex. This time it seemed as though both options would occur today.
I honestly pitied my mother. She somehow ended up in this crappy life, but still managed to cope with it. And I had loved her for that, for being so independent and strong.
"Is Momma going to be okay?" Noelle asked as we made our way into my room.
"I hope so."
Glancing at the clock on my nightstand, I found that it was a quarter to nine. It was a bit confusing, considering how fast time went, but I ignored it.
"Get ready, it's almost time for a bath," I instructed Noelle as I locked my door, soon taking off my shirt.
"Okay," she obediently answered, trudging off to my drawer to look for her clothes. "I love you, Maggie."
You see, neither Noelle nor I trust her to sleep in her room by herself. Especially when my father was upset, she would solely reside with me. But then my father would go on his irrational sprees and accuse me of molesting Noelle.
As if he had morals all of a sudden.
As I was in the middle of taking off my bra, there was a hard knock at my door.
"Daddy, I'm getting dressed," I called.
"Open this door, NOW!"
I quickly turned to Noelle, lip syncing for her to draw the bath, close the bathroom door, and to lock it. Afterwards, I fetched a large shirt, throwing it over my head in a haste.
The door started to rattle as my father rapidly twisted the knob. I soon unlocked it and opened the door, only to be kicked in the stomach. The air I relied on was then knocked out of me. I started to gasp for air, panicked by the painful feeling of not having any air in my system.
"Don't ever have me wait again!"
All I could do is nod at this point as I still tried to collect air. But this had made my father even more angry, soon punching me in my jaw as I stumble back.
"I raised you better than this," he growled. "Speak!"
The air came back into my system. "Y-Yes, Daddy."
"Good," he said, then left.
I sometimes wonder why that man even bothers in ruining my life.
-
"Bubbles!" Noelle giggled, splashing the bubbles a bit as I scrubbed her back. We sat in the bathtub, soaking in every moment of tranquility we could together.
"You know, now that you're getting older, we won't be able to do this anymore." I warned her, not wanting her to get use to this routine.
She sighed, "Yeah, I know."
"You're not mad?"
"Of course I'm not, I love you too much to ever get mad," she sympathetically smiled, hugging me.
"I love you, too." I replied, recalling her declaration of love for me when father was interrogating our mother.
By the time we got out of the bathtub and dressed, it was around nine in the afternoon. "Bedtime, Noelle."
"Sing me a lullaby, please," Noelle whispered, snuggling closer to me as we made ourselves comfortable in the bed.
I smiled, soon singing:
"Hush now, quiet now,
It's time to lay your sleepy head.
Hush now, quiet now,
It's time to go to bed."
"Not from My Little Pony," she groaned. "I hate that show. I want to another song."
"You know, if hadn't adored my baby sister so much, I would've given you a piece of my mind for saying that," I joked, secretly appreciative of Noelle's disdain in my choice of entertainment. "But I'm afraid that I can't recall another song."
"Just try," she begged, eyes glossy of sleep and desperation. "Please?"
"Lost in your light,
I wanna stay right here all night.
Let's get lost in the light,
I wanna stay right here all night."
Before I knew it, Noelle was out like a light. All I could do was beam down at her in amazement before drifting off soon after with her.
-
"Psst, Maggie! Wake up, it quiet in the house." I heard Noelle whisper, causing me to snap up out of alarm and to scramble for my glasses.
"Hurry, get ready for school. And be quiet." I whispered, getting out of the bed. I made quick work to get myself ready alongside my sister.
"Ok," she whispered back, hopping off of the bed and racing quietly towards the drawers.
I opened up my closet, skimming through for clothes. For some odd reason, I wanted to look different today. Different in a way that I was recognized as someone other than myself, other than the nerd I was labelled.
Thankfully, I ignored that feeling, getting dressed into my usual attire. I could never get tired of the usual worn down jeans, beat up sneakers, and my over sized graphic tee. Why? Because, every day was graphic tee day in my book.
"Ready," she whispered, waiting patiently for me by my bedroom door.
"Did you brush your teeth?" I ask, making my way to my bathroom mirror.
"Yeah."
"Good, just wait for a bit longer and I'll be right out."
I quickly freshened myself up, pulling my hair up into its usual high ponytail. Once finished, I grabbed my bag and tiptoed out my room with Noelle at my heels.
There was just enough time to grab an apple for the both of us to split for breakfast. Gripping the apple in my hand, Noelle and I raced out of the house, away from our father. At the same time, the both of us sighed in relief, the feeling of paranoia evading our system. What was left to fill that hole was tranquility, there to engulf our nerves with warm arms.
Down the hill we raced, now having to be accountable for each other not being late for school. With mother preoccupied with father, I was now responsible for getting Noelle to school safely this morning.
"We have to hurry, Noelle, or we'll be late," I spoke, palm on her back as I pushed her closer to the direction her school was located. "Have fun. If anyone tries to mess with you or Tarrah, call me."
"Okie dokie," she giggled, smile reaching her eyes. "I love you, Maggie."
With a loving smile in return, I replied, "I love you, too."
-
I walked Noelle towards the entrance of the Elementary school, watching the little kids scramble into their assigned lines, getting ready for the beginning of school.
"Hurry, they're lining up."
"Okay, goodbye, Maggie! I love you!"
"Goodbye, Noelle. I love you, too," I called out to her, feet trailing me backwards in the direction of my own school.
The second day of school seemed to be going well for Noelle, so far. I loved her too much to have her path crumble into my own. She deserved a much better life to live.
Racing across the street towards my high school, I ran past all of the teens to my desired destination. Thankfully, I was prepared for anything Amber could say after her declaration from yesterday.
"Nerd!" I heard a deep voice boom, punching me into a random locker. "You listen to your superiors."
God, he sounded like my Dad. Always putting people in their places by their ranks, when they knew damn well that no one was man lesser. If anything, we were all made as equals. But that was not how society functioned. They thrived off of each other, domineering over the slogan, "Eat or Be Eaten."
"You hear that? You answer to me from now on!" I heard Amber screech, prompting everyone in the halls to stop and observe the scene. But suddenly, the last warning bell rang, triggering everyone to scramble to their classes.
Unfortunately for me, I couldn't even made it to my locker, let alone to class with out trouble following me.
"Need help?" I heard a familiar deep voice ask over the horde voices of teens.
I shook my head in a no, fumbling to get up.
"Here's your things," he muttered, causing me to look at what he had in his hands.
What he held was definitely mine, that I recognized. But how he got a hold of them in the first place was beyond me. The last time I checked, I stored them into my locker.
"H-How did you...?"
"The guys on the football team smashed the lock on your locker. Seemed to me they damaged most of the stuff that was in there," he sighed, lifting his hands up a bit to show me my remaining things. "This was what I was able to salvage."
Snatching my remaining items from his grasp, I mumbled out a small, "Thanks," before attempting to rush to my next class. The last thing I wanted was my father to speculate the reason why I was late to homeroom was due to a boy. And then finding out that it was actually because of a boy.
"Hey, wait up. Are you alright? I mean, those guys wrecked your stuff."
"Yes, I'm fine. Now please leave me alone. I thank you and everything for my things, but I'm not interested into dating or friends," I snapped, continuing my pace to homeroom.
"So much for being nice," he grumbled. "Could've just left it at thanks."
"Yeah? Well, you could've just left me alone."