The guys had left the bar. Joy had been too drunk to comprehend that she was alone. She sat thinking about Julian, contemplating on giving into his suggestions. What did she have to lose? She'd probably never see him again anyway; sleeping with Jules would just give herself some sexual closure.
A simple one night stand—they knew each other, they were both adults. And on top of that, Joy was drunk.
She hailed a cab; she had made up her mind at the bar that she was going to sleep with Julian.
She knocked on the door to the apartment that Albert and Jules shared, internally hoping that Julian would change her mind about what she had planned to do. Deep down, she hoped that he would reject her—admit that it was all just a game and that he had never looked at her more than a friend.
Joy wasn't so sure she was strong enough to sleep with Jules. Perhaps becoming physical in every way with him would bring out intense feelings she wasn't ready to feel yet.
Not with Julian, Joy thought.
He was careless—reckless and empty. Why did she find that so goddamn endearing? Nothing would ever come of them. Every time Joy thought of Jules negatively, she always thought back to that night he had admitted that he too struggled with personal demons. She thought of him taking up for her; punching the stranger that had gotten too handsy.
No matter how much Julian tried to mask his golden heart, Joy could still sense it. He was protecting himself... from himself.
"Hey... What are you doing here?" Albert asked, standing at the threshold of the front door. He had a drink in his hand. She could hear loud music blaring—ricocheting off the walls of the confines of the apartment.
"I was invited." She spoke drunkenly, bracing herself against the banister.
Albert glanced over his shoulder. He seemed nervous as he looked back to Joy. "I don't think you should be here right now. Can you come back in like... an hour?"
"Why, what are you guys doing? Is it an orgy? You said I could be apart of those." Joy whined playfully, pleased that she had made Al laugh.
"Look-" Al sighed. "Okay, since you're leaving us soon, I'll let you in. But... keep the judgements to yourself." He waved Joy inside, closing the door behind her as she made her way past.
She stood just at the foyer; her eyes growing wide when seeing Fab leaning over the coffee table hovering over some white lines. She looked at Albert, his eyes narrowed before taking the beer away from his lips. "I said no judgements." He mumbled. "Okay, which one of you idiots invited the girl?!" Al yelled over the music, getting everyone's attention.
Ryan looked to Joy from the sofa with confusion in his eyes. Or maybe it was worry. Ryan had known of the drug use the entire time—he was part of it.
"Uh, Jules... Julian invited me." Joy found herself backing away, suddenly feeling uninvited.
"Oh, well that's gonna be a problem." Al said, pulling Joy back into the room by her wrist.
"Wha- is he fucking someone?" She wasn't sure why, but the thought stung a little.
"No, he's fucked up on acid. He's sitting over there in the chair. He's been staring out into space for a good thirty minutes."
Joy started toward him—for a single moment, he was the only person in the room; until Al grabbed a hold of her wrist, pulling her into his side.
She looked over him with confusion etched in her brows. "Whoa, what are you doing; you can't go over there."
"Why not?"
"He's fucked up. You go over there, there's no telling what he'll do. He's on the road to a bad trip, let's just say that."
"What makes you think that?" Joy slurred; her eyes trailing to see Jules hadn't moved at all.
"He said the walls were breathing... that's never a good sign." Al took another drink; dropping Joy's wrist.
"Joy!... Hey... C'mer." Julian's voice broke through the music as he waved slowly from the chair—his arm raised high over his head.
Joy looked to Albert for help—the last thing she wanted was to be near Julian during a bad trip. "Too late now. He starts flicking invisible bugs off, just go along with him."
"You say that like it's happened before."
"It has." Albert murmured, making his way next to Nikolai.
Joy slowly walked to the chair where Jules sat—his arm still raised high in the air. She didn't like the look on his face; he looked panicked and alert. Coming here was a mistake.
"Hey... you made it. Come sit." Julian dropped his hand down on the arm of the chair, gesturing for Joy to sit down. She took a seat apprehensively, stiffening when feeling his arm slink around her waist, pulling her into his lap.
She was drunk, but not drunk enough to understand that things could quickly go bad.
"Why did you wait so late?... why didn't you come sooner?" Julian spoke low; his words slurring together in a slow mumble.
"It took a while to realize I... well, that I wanted to." She felt his hand tighten at her waist. She wished there was a drink close by—she fucking needed it.
"You're too late. You're too late, I ca- I can't feel my dick right now."
Joy could see that Julian wanted to laugh, but was simply too messed up to.
"It's fine, really. I probably shouldn't have come-"
"No, no... I want you here, please stay here. Don't leave." Julian spoke as his other hand snaked around her waist, pulling her closer into his chest. Before she knew it, she was lying back in his sternum—Julian's arms interlocked around the small of her waist. "Don't leave... Please don't leave." He kept repeating, staring blankly ahead.
"I'm not going anywhere." Joy patted his hands reassuringly.
"You're lying... you're leaving me... you're leaving all of us."
"I meant right now." Joy spoke over her shoulder, looking back to see Julian's large vacant eyes peering ahead.
"Oh god, you're leaving me right now?" Julian's eyes somehow grew wider, squeezing Joy's waist even tighter. He was hyperventilating—she could feel his chest rise and fall against her back.
"Hey, look at me... are you okay?" Joy sat up quickly, turning around to place her hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. She saw a flicker of panic in his sad eyes—the way his brows meshed unevenly in confusion. But most importantly, his breathing began to level out in a steady rhythm.
"You're really pretty." He mumbled, staring at Joy with the same panicked expression. "I gotta take a leak."
"Oh." Joy shot up out of Julian's lap. "Sorry."
"I'm gonna need help. The walls..." Julian stood from the chair, holding onto the arm as he reached out for Joy. "They're breathing. They're... they're trying to suffocate me."
"Everything needs to breathe a little, it's okay. They're not gonna suffocate you." Joy encouraged, remembering that Al had told her to go along with him.
"Did they tell you that... ca-can they talk too?"
"Telepathically... sure. No, they can't talk." Joy held Julian's hand, guiding him down the narrow hall into the bathroom.
"Close the door." Julian spoke on the other side next to the toilet. He bumped his back against the wall, sliding down the length of it until plopping into the floor.
Joy had never seen Julian so dazed. He appeared tired all the time; but this was different—Julian looked like he had seen a ghost.
"I thought you had to pee?"
"I do... but... I gotta sit here for a minute." He pulled his knees into his chest, holding onto his shins as if too afraid to move. "Can you feel it? Can you feel the walls caving in?"
"Not really." Joy said, making her way next to him. She sat down in the floor, scanning her eyes over the bathroom. Three sticks of deodorants set on the sink, one without a cap. Dirty clothes set in a pile next to the tub—the ugly shower curtain reminding Joy of the ones from hotels.
"I fucked up." Jules spoke low, staring at the closed door ahead. "I'm running outta time. I should've never done this... I should've at least waited until I knew you weren't coming."
"It's okay. To be honest... I was hoping you would talk me out of it." Joy snickered, feeling a sudden urge to sweep the stray hair hanging over his eye.
"Why? You want me, I want you... what's the point in not going through with it?"
She could see Julian relaxing—his stiffened posture slacking as his hands moved into his lap.
"I don't know... It'll ruin the mystery." Joy smiled weakly, watching the panic in Julian's eyes fade.
"I like you... I mean... I really like you." He forced a laugh that didn't reach his eyes. "And no matter what you say, I'm probably never gonna see you again after tonight. Which is why you should just stay."
Joy reminded herself that Julian was high—for christ sakes, he swore that the walls were breathing.
"If I stay... the option to sleep with you would be off the table, Ryan would fire me."
"No, no he wouldn't. I'm his boss... he can't fire you unless I tell him he can."
"You're not thinking right, Jules." Joy muttered, stretching her legs out and crossing her ankles.
"I know that we have more in common than you think. I like you because... you remind me of myself."
Joy scoffed. "We're nothing alike."
"Sure we are." Julian smiled; he finally seemed calm. "I just hide my problems better than you do. I-"
"No you don't. I see through it."
"Well, you're about the only one." Jules chuckled, following Joy's suit by stretching out his legs. "I don't know why I'm like this. I don't... I don't have anything to complain about, really. I only do things to feel closer to someone that doesn't even acknowledge my existence... How fucked up is that?"
Joy's brows furrowed in confusion. "Who? Who's attention are you trying to get?"
"My dad's... I tell myself that it's genetic, you know. I tell myself that I like sleeping around with women and drinking until I pass out because it's in my blood, but... I'm just trying to see things from his point of view. I'm just trying to understand him. I... I don't want to be like this, I'm just trying to figure shit out." Julian looked over at Joy—it was the calm before the storm. "You get what I'm saying?"
She thought it over—thinking of how to respond. The truth was, Julian was high.
"I get that we're nothing alike." Joy spoke with a smile, watching Julian do the same. "I don't have a problem with my dad, or my mom."
He exhaled slowly, leaning the back of his head against the wall. "We got different problems, but... we feel the same. We just have different outlets for it."
"Agree to disagree." Joy mumbled, keeping her eyes on Julian's legs. "I mean... I guess you're right in a sense. I don't know why I'm like this. I've never tried to blame anyone for it."
"No matter what I do... I just can't seem to understand him. Like... if I had kids, I'd never do what he did. The only realization I've been able to come to is... is that... he's his own man, you know? But, how does a person walk away from the responsibilities they created? I- I would never do that."
Joy's eyes narrowed questioningly. She didn't know much about Julian's life—she never bothered to ask. It was none of her business. But because of the psychedelics, he was making it her business.
"Your dad left you? Is... is that what you're saying?"
"Yeah." Julian chuckled, raising his head from the wall. "He's like... a modern day Casanova. He loves women- he's always loved women. Shit, I love women too... but if I married one... I don't know what I'm saying, I'm fucked up." His eyes closed, leaning his head back against the wall again. "I don't hate him, I can't hate him... he's my dad. I look like him... but, I'm not like him... no matter how hard I try to be." He sighed.
Joy sat quietly, unsure of how to process what Jules was telling her. He was opening up—confiding in her. It was unusual, but she assumed it was because she had once confided in him as well.
He's just high; he doesn't know what he's saying. She thought.
"I think you're right." Joy spoke. "I think he's his own man. He probably doesn't realize how selfish he is. But someday... he'll probably regret not being more involved. He'll probably realize that he was wrong."
"That's a lot probably's." Julian snickered. "It started out as rebellion, you know. Just trying to get the man's attention. It didn't work. And now... well, I'm kinda lost now. I've been doing this shit for so long now... I don't know any other way to be."
"You're talking like you're an old man." Joy giggled. "You're, what- twenty-one?"
"Twenty-two." Julian smiled, looking to Joy with narrowed eyes. "I'll be twenty-three next month."
"Ha."
"What?"
"You're older than me. But only by a few months- November second." Joy got to her feet, using the wall behind her as a prop as she stood from the floor. "I need a drink."
"I need to piss." Julian spoke monotoned, staring at the door ahead—the sight causing Joy to chuckle quietly. "Will you do something for me?" Julian's eyes wavered to Joy. "Don't stand me up- don't say you're getting another drink and... fucking skip out on me, okay?"
"I wouldn't do that." Joy scoffed, making her way toward the door. She glanced over her shoulder, watching Jules struggle up the wall getting to his feet. She quickly peeled her eyes away when seeing his hands move to his belt; he swayed slightly, hovering over the toilet.
He's fucked up, Joy... he's just really fucked up right now.