A/N:
So this took me forever and a day to write. I don't know why, but it was so difficult for me to write a smut scene. I just can't seem to do it justice. I wrote a whole other story called "Love To Hate Me" and Julian was my Harlan (main character) and I had no problems writing smut for that. But for some reason... 😑 this was a pain in the ass.
Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy—a bit more going on than just smut.
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Ryan's eyes peeled open, his drunken haze refusing to acknowledge the smacking wet sounds coming from the side of the room. The persistence of the sound finally forced Ryan to look in the direction.
He rubbed his eyes, causing his glasses to fall to the bridge of his nose as he sat up. There—in the adjacent bed—was Julian hovering over Joy. The smacking wetness that had awoken Ryan from his slumber was the sound of their lips colliding.
This was not supposed to happen—this was exactly what Ryan had told Joy not to do. He had let it slide earlier, telling himself that it was New Years Eve and that Julian was going to kiss everyone; which he had. But this... this was unacceptable. No words could even express how upset and disappointed Ryan was with the situation—with Joy.
He stood from the bed, being sure to snatch the room key on the nightstand before marching toward the door. Ryan's hand came down on the handle, yanking the hotel door open loud enough for Joy and Jules to hear.
Joy's head snapped in the direction of Ryan's departure, causing Julian's lips to press against the side of her mouth. "Ryan's gone." Joy spoke as Julian continued tracking kisses down the base of her throat. "Get up, Ryan's gone." Joy insisted, pushing off on Julian's chest, urging him to sit up.
Julian groaned, doing what Joy wanted. He ran his hand through his hair, moving back to let Joy out from beneath him.
"Just let him go."
"I gotta go talk to him."
"Joy-" Julian started.
"Just let me go talk to him." She pleaded, ignoring Julian's annoyed demeanor while stumbling toward the door.
Joy didn't realize how drunk she was until standing. She swayed into the wall as the room spun around her. Julian had been a weight holding her down—keeping her head from spinning. Without the weight of his body on top of hers, the reality of her drunken stupor was evident.
She raced out of the room, running her hand along the wall to keep steady. "Ryan!... Ryan!" Joy yelled in a whisper as her feet moved heavily down the hall.
Ryan had made it to the vending machines, making his way to Julian and Fab's room. He stopped with folded arms, letting them fall to his sides with a groan. He whipped around—despite wearing glasses, Joy could still see the tiredness in his eyes.
"Hey, that... that wasn't what you thought it was." Joy giggled. Her smile fell when seeing the irritated glance shot her way.
"Really, what was it then? Because it looked like Julian's tongue was down your throat." Ryan crossed his arms again.
Lying had never been Joy's forte—she had never been compelled to lie. Which was why for years, she wore long sleeves, to avoid having to lie. But what little had been established of her relationship with Julian was enough to protect it. She needed to know what could be—she wouldn't know for sure if she were fired; if she were sent away from Julian.
"It was." She snickered. "But, it's nothing. Nothing's happening. We're just... fooling around, you know."
"Which is exactly what I told you not to do." Ryan spat. "Jus- forget it. Forget it. You're obviously too drunk to have this conversation. Go to bed, we'll discuss this in the morning." Ryan started down the hall again.
"Ryan!"
"No Joy, I warned you about this. Sober up and tomorrow we'll talk options. Oh, and happy fucking New Year." Ryan spoke without a hitch, not even giving Joy the satisfaction of a single glance over his shoulder.
Defeated, she let her back fall against the wall. She covered her face with her hands, letting out a heavy sigh.
Her relationship with Julian had jeopardized not only her career, but her friendship with Ryan. She questioned whether or not hiding what they were was even worth it. Perhaps she could tell Ryan the truth—perhaps she could just quit. But then she wondered what would happen; she questioned if Julian truly was what he claimed to be...
a one woman kinda guy.
Her feelings for Julian had progressed into something she couldn't back away from now. She loved him... Joy was in love with Julian.
She would never admit it, but she always had been. He swore the feelings were mutual, but how true was his word? If Joy were to go away, how long would it be before Julian changed his mind, or did what was simply in his DNA? Joy didn't want to risk it.
She made her way back to the room, stopping just outside. She planted her forehead against the door as a drunken laugh rocked through her torso—she had forgotten her key.
She gently tapped the dark green painted door, waiting (hoping) for Julian to open it. She prayed he wasn't passed out, that he would at least be horny enough to finish what they had started earlier.
The door opened—Julian stood on the other side of the threshold with his arm propped on the frame. He smirked, looking down at Joy with pursed lips.
"I didn't hire an escort." He mumbled.
Joy broke into a wide smile, leaning her head against the frame, pulling her lip between her teeth.
"Get in here." Julian grinned, grabbing Joy by the wrist and pulling her into the room. She staggered slightly, having to grab a hold of his arms to keep balance.
He caressed the sides of her face, gently pulling her into his body while walking backwards toward the bed. Joy was too drunk to notice that Jules had maneuvered her around to where she would be the first to fall into the bed.
She landed on the mattress, amazed she hadn't fallen into the floor. Julian had barely broken the kiss before climbing on top of her, tracking his lips along the contour of her jaw. A quiet whimper escaped her parted lips, clutching fistfuls of his hair.
This wasn't like the other times. There was something drunken and animalistic about the way Julian was handling her. His eyes weren't closed, nor was he looking away. He had her... grabbing, tugging and pulling at her like he couldn't get enough of her.
His lips tracked down her throat, pulling her shirt up as his head went down, planting kisses along her bare flesh. He was nearly growling against her skin—his fingertips pressing into her sides until finally reaching her hips. Joy's back arched involuntary; her breath shuddering out in a quiet cry as she let him have his way with her. Joy would let him do anything and everything he wanted to do... she didn't care, as long as it was with him.
He hummed just above her pubis, his hot breath beating against her exposed skin just above her unbuttoned pants. She wasn't sure why, but the feel of it caused her grip to loosen in his hair. Below her navel, Julian's aggressive hunger subsided, replaced with a different kind of demeanor... tenderness.
"Uh-oh." Julian muttered; his lips stopped moving abruptly. "No. Ooooh, no. Oh no." He sang baritone, sitting up quickly as he patted his pockets.
"What- what is it?" Joy sat up on her elbows, eyeing Julian skeptically.
"You have a condom?"
"No."
"Fuck." Julian rolled over, taking Joy's thigh with him as he landed in the mattress on his back with a groan. He buried his face in his hands—elbows pointed toward the ceiling.
"Hey... are you disease ridden?" Joy tugged at Julian's arm, encouraging him to drop his hands from his face.
"No."
"Well, neither am I." The corner of Joy's mouth raised into a half smile as she looked to Julian in a lustful haze.
The vacancy in his eyes returned when looking to Joy dumbfounded. He searched her face for something, only to find nothing more than what she was suggesting.
He laughed, the sound coming out in a gasp that barely tugged at his lips. "No. We- we can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't trust myself." Julian muttered.
Staring into his doe eyes, Joy felt her heart pep. They were dark with lust and yet wide with terror. She could see that in this moment, Julian feared her... but why?
"I'm on the pill. I've been on the pill for a long time now."
Julian raised, sitting up with a slouch, hovering over her. "So... what does that mean?" He asked, knowing exactly what it meant—he just wanted to hear her say it.
Joy's hand went to his face, softly stroking his cheek with her thumb. A lot of time had passed since the first night they had been intimate. Despite his ever changing look, he was still Julian—he was still the same person she had fought tooth and nail with—the same guy she struggled to not have feelings for.
"It means I learn from my mistakes."
Julian's tongue swept across his lips. His fingertips brushed along Joy's wrist as he gazed down at her with heavy eyes. "Mistake, huh?"
"You don't even remember it." Joy mumbled. She fought closing her eyes for as long as she could, but the weight of her drunken stupor made her do so involuntarily.
"I remember how excited I was. I remember how lucky I felt. But, yeah... you're right, I don't remember."
"Lucky?" Her eyes opened when hearing that particular word.
Julian broke into a smile. "Well, yeah. I'd been trying to get you to notice me since I met you. You're... you're not like most girls. You're... well, you're like me."
Joy laughed—the sound coming out in a scoff. "You keep saying that- everyone keeps saying that. How? I- I don't understand. I'm nothing like you."
"Okay, so... besides dealing with personal demons and being one of the sexiest women I've ever laid eyes on," Joy laughed; her cheeks gleaming pink. "We have a connection, you know. Something I've never had with anyone before. I feel it and I think you feel it too."
Joy nodded in response, too baffled to speak. She swallowed hard, letting her hand fall from his face. "I feel like you're lying. I feel like you're saying anything you can to get what you want from me. I'm- I'm really scared, Jules... I'm really scared."
"What makes you think that? What have I ever done to make you think that? Get what I want from you- what do you think I want?"
"You're too good to be true. This... it's gotta be some ploy, you know."
Julian was laughing—his head went back with closed eyes as quiet chuckles rocked his limp shoulders. Joy's smile fell—there was nothing funny about what she had said. Joy had put her heart on the line... just to get laughed at.
"Shut up." She muttered—gently pushing off on his cheek with her fingertips.
"Baby look at me, there's no ploy, there's no scheme. I just want you. Nobody else... just you."
Silence fell over the room. Joy stared at Julian perplexed—confusion set in; she saw something in what he had said... truth. Perhaps Julian had always been telling the truth, but Joy had been too scared to believe it.
"You're serious?" Joy asked, finding herself tracking her hand through his hair.
"You're my person. If there's such a thing as the one, I'm pretty sure you're it."
Julian lowered his head slowly, studying Joy's face before planting a small kiss on her cheek. His eyes searched her face again, looking for a sign of apprehension—there was none. His lips went to hers; his eyes remained open as he watched her react, hoping that she felt the same. Joy had always been there—she knew Julian better than anyone, he was sure. And looking into Joy's eyes, he was certain he knew her better than anyone else as well.
Her breath panted against his parted mouth—her eyes shifting back and forth between his lips and dark eyes. His pupils were dilated, covering most of his brownish green orbs in the small light of the room.
She'd had Julian many times since that night in LA—after underhandedly admitting what she had done. But for unknown reasons, this time felt different. For the first time, Joy felt that they were on the same plain—she wanted the same things Julian wanted. For this one moment, she didn't care if they were lies, she was willing to buy into them.
Julian sat up, straddling Joy's waist. He pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it onto the mattress next to him. Joy swallowed hard, raising her legs up while pulling her jeans past her hips. She hadn't meant to take her panties down too, but the fabric got caught with her pants. Julian helped, rushing to pull both articles of clothing off her slightly perspired body.
He hummed softly at the sight of her, despite having seen her like this many times... this time was different. Maybe it was because he was going to get to feel her completely. Although it wasn't the first time, it was the first time he'd actually remember. Shitfaced or not, Julian was going to remember this.
She took his face in her hands as their lips connected, feeling his breath beat against her cheek through his nose. She felt the bare flesh of his sides against her smooth knees; his hands frantically rushing to undo his dark wash jeans.
Julian broke the kiss, but only long enough to slide his pants off. His calloused hands slid up the plains of her waist, taking her shirt along with him as he glided the material up her body. The buds of her nipples perched from his touch as chills cascaded down her arms.
Joy thought Julian had noticed, but judging by the wide eyed stare, he hadn't. She wasn't wearing a bra. She closed her eyes, sucking on her bottom lip as his head went down to her stark chest.
A quiet sigh escaped her lips, hearing Julian's soft breaths hitch in his throat. She could feel him against her thigh; the stiff smoothness of the extremity that was going to connect them in all ways possible. Her back arched at the thought, pushing her hips into his—ready to feel him completely.
Joy raised, making it easier for Julian to slide the shirt over her head. Her hair was still tangled in the collar while exploring the curvature of his chest. He cleared his throat as he lowered himself above her. She took note of his dark tresses hanging over his eyes—the way his loose strands swayed to his erratic breaths.
Julian settled between her legs as his eyes darted wildly across her face. She was amazing and yet, Julian was terrified. Gazing into her eyes, he regretted everything he had stood for before this moment. All the drunken nights he had shared with strangers... he would give it all back just to lie between Joy's legs like this. She was perfect... at least for him.
Julian was terrified—Joy had somehow managed to bring out the best in him, which was something no one else was capable of doing. She made him a better person; Julian could honestly say he wanted to be something (anything) she wanted him to be. But perhaps that's what he loved about Joy the most, that she had little to no interest in trying to change him.
She accepted him for who he was; all his flaws, all his problems. Joy was simply his guide—his Sherpa up the mountain of uncertainty that was certain with her around. He'd go wherever she wanted; he'd do anything she asked of him. She was the only light he saw at the end of the dark tunnel he had been traveling for quite sometime.
Looking into her wanting eyes, Julian saw his home. Joy was the only person he wanted to be there waiting for him on the other side of this madness that was now his life. That look—that same look she was giving him now was not only what he wanted, but what he needed to be alright.
"Are you okay?" Joy asked, feeling his member flex against her inner thigh. It was clear his body was reacting to hers, but there were questions and apprehensions brewing in his eyes—they were beginning to settle there. It was becoming troublesome.
"I just realized something." Julian's lips turned upwards into a halfhearted smile, but didn't reach his eyes. There was a silent pain—a sadness etched at the corners.
She smiled, smoothing his hair back away from his face. "What's that?"
"That I'm in love with you. And that... I think I've always been in love with you."
Her smile fell. Although there was still a drunken haze to her eyes, everything else had vanished. She stared up at Julian in what appeared to be apathy—the sight causing him to start crawling away.
"I love you too. I think... I think I've always been in love with you too." Joy spoke without hesitation. Perhaps she shouldn't have said it, but the words came out without a filter. The more time she passed with Julian, the less scared she became of him.
Getting hurt was worth it—anything to spend another night like this with him... he was worth it.
Her hands found his face, feeling the bed dip between her legs as he crawled back up the length of her body—his fear dispersing. He smirked; this time, the light reached his eyes.
"So it's not just me?"
Joy shook her head, moving her hips down the bed to align herself with him. He slid his arm under her shoulder, putting himself in his hand before taking a deep breath.
She nodded in approval, begging him with her eyes to do it. She held her breath when feeling his tip press against her entrance. Her mouth fell agape, releasing the heavy sigh as he slowly slid into her—no longer guiding himself in with his hand.
He hovered over Joy, taking in her stricken appearance. The way her eyes widened in surprised as if stunned by the feel of him—despite having felt him before.
Julian licked his lips, feeling her fingers brush through his hair. He pushed into her body gently, his dark tresses falling over his face no matter Joy's persistent brushes to keep the strands out of his eyes. She raised slightly, bringing her lips to his to brighten the sadness on his face. Though the longer she looked, the less frightened he seemed.
"I love you." Joy spoke against his lips. The feel of the vibrations from her words caused Julian to moan quietly against her mouth. His eyes closed involuntarily at the sound, heightening the sense of her touch.
"I love you too baby." He mumbled, tracking his lips to the base of her throat. He could feel her heartbeat against his mouth; the way her clammy skin stuck to his. His arm moved further under Joy's shoulder, pulling her closer to him. His hips pumped into hers a little faster, his thrusts quickening when feeling her knees move further toward her chest.
Joy cried out—raking her fingernails down the length of his biceps to relieve the building pleasure bubbling in her lower abdomen. He panted against her neck—his right hand trailed down her waist until reaching just above her hip. Julian couldn't say for sure what prompted him to do it, but there was a drive—an urgency to squeeze her hip. Her flushed skin peeked between the cracks in his fingers; her flesh reddening under his grasp as he pushed harder into her body.
He couldn't believe the recollection of this happening once before had ever slipped his mind in his inebriated state. Nothing this good could ever be forgotten. He had known Joy in his youth—when he was just beginning to figure himself out. He didn't care about getting hurt; Julian was about living in the moment. He had wanted Joy in every way from the beginning, not blinking twice about the repercussions of what that meant if it actually happened. He remembered clearly the familiar feeling of rejection when she had said those seven words:
"We're just friends that fool around sometimes."
It hurt.
Julian didn't think he had let anyone close enough to hurt him, but it was in that moment (in his own apartment) that he realized just how much he had let Joy into his own little messed up life.
Looking at her now, Julian registered that Joy had been dealing with the same fear. She was scared—afraid that he was going to desert her. She was protecting herself, shielding herself from the inevitable hurt that Julian was sure to bring her. He didn't understand it until now—Joy had always cared.
He nearly got off on the thought alone; there was actually someone in the world that cared for him. She had finally given him a chance and for once, in a really long time, life was on his side. He was willing to surrender it all—to see if he could be the one for her, because he knew she was the one for him.
Julian groaned softly against her ear when feeling her constrict around his width. With his arm snaked under her, Julian stared down at Joy—transfixed on her reaction to his actions. She was moaning softly, her head tilting back into the bed. There was a slow crescendo to her voice; the steady rise of her whimpers going up an octave with every few thrusts.
As if that wasn't enough, she just had to call out his name. This was it—this was all it took to send him over the edge. His quickening thrusts pushed even harder into her body, the sensation causing her grip to taut at his lightly perspired skin.
He said it—he told her he was coming but it didn't register while riding out the wave of her own. Her legs twitched, shaking in a way like she had overdone a workout despite having done zero work at all. The intense waves began to subside but left her body buzzing.
His hips slowed, trying his best not to collapse on top of her. His strength was gone—the only thing keeping him upright was the willpower to keep his eyes on Joy's face. She smiled; the sight more than worth it.
He laughed, finally letting himself crumble between her knees—too weak to withdrawal himself her.
He wasn't sure why, but he was chuckling. His laughs grew louder when feeling that Joy was doing the same, she was laughing too. It was their only logical response to what they had done—the magnitude of what they had achieved. It didn't seem real.
"Was I good? Was that good for you?" Julian asked; his voice deep and laced with humor.
"You have no idea." She smiled—her response causing Julian to laugh again.
She could feel the faint tremors in his arms, trying to find the brawn to get off of her. She took his face in her hands, looking up into his dark eyes still somehow entangled with lust. Strands of his dyed black tresses stuck to his forehead, licking the wetness off his own lips while gazing back into her eyes.
"Don't hurt me. I love you... you better not hurt me." Joy spoke gravely. Although she tried to talk stern, her voice was small and timorous.
"You're my person, Joy... I'm gonna do everything I can baby."
"Don't hurt me." She repeated, turning his head slightly to keep his eyes on hers.
"I'd never hurt you intentionally. It goes both ways... you better not hurt me either."
They shared a smile, uncomfortable by the serious turn things had taken. Joy couldn't help herself, she was going to try to believe him.