Sara's POV
My legs dangled off the side of the bed as I tried to clear my head. I've been sitting here for the last half hour trying to figure out what to do with Harry and I's situation. I haven't spoken one word to him since he got home from the interview more than a week ago. I've been the one to take care of the twins and he doesn't even offer to help. I never thought Harry and I would fight like this. As naive as it sounds, I thought Harry and I would have our perfect little family when we moved into our house; I guess I was wrong.
I know I need to do something to distract my mind from everything that's going on so I decided to go and work out. I might as well do it now while Aiden and Addison are still asleep. I changed into some comfy clothes and headed towards the bedroom door. As soon as I reached the door, I ran straight into someone. I knew that it could only be one person so I looked up to face Harry.
"Sorry, I was just leaving." I muttered, looking down again. I attempted to move past him and make my way downstairs without him saying anything.
"Sara wait." I stopped walking and slowly turned towards him. He looks tired and not like himself. It almost makes me feel bad for him. The white shirt he's wearing looks like he hasn't washed it in days and his pants look like their ready for the garbage. It's quite sad really. I listened to him in hopes of an apology of some sort. Something he will say that will get us past our whole situation.
He was about to say something but stopped. "The twins are awake." He then turned around and left to walk into our bedroom.
"Your absolutely unbelievable." I spat. I threw my arms up in the air and stormed off. How rude could he be? I actually thought he would apologise! I must be stupid if I thought I could actually get an apology out of Harry.
I stormed my way to the twins room and opened the door with a bit of a force. To my surprise, I found both of the twins sound asleep. Why would Harry lie to me? I proceeded to walk out of the room. I suddenly was overcome with anger and hostility. Never have I ever felt this way towards Harry.
I decided to forget the workout and to go have a shower instead. The words Harry spoke to me kept replaying in my mind as I stepped into the scalding hot water. I stood there for a good five minutes before really doing anything. Finally I reached for the soap and started to lather my body. I washed both my hair and body before reaching for the razor to shave my legs. As I reached for it, the razor accidentally fell, cutting my finger in the process. I swore under my breath and waited for the pain to come.
I suddenly realised that it wasn't pain I was feeling, it was relief. I watched as the blood pooled on the top of my finger. The bubble of blood finally burst, sending lines down my hand and into the water below me. I picked up the razor off the tub floor and studied it in my hand. The options played through my head of the things I could do with the razor besides shave my legs. Then the though of my children and the promise I made to Niall a while ago came to my mind. I was about to put the razor down when Harry's lie and all the fighting between us slipped into my head.
I detached the top of the razor from the handle and let the bottom drop to the ground. I didn't give what I'm about to do a second though as Harry's lie played over and over in my head. Everything bad that has happened lately is all coming full circle, sending more anger and sadness through me. I lifted the blade towards the inside of my shoulder, close to my collar bone, not caring what part was being cut. I slid the blade across my skin and waited for the blood to reach the surface. I feel a sting with first slice, and then my heart started to speed up when I saw the blood, because I know I've done something I shouldn't have, and yet I've gotten away with it. I make another cut, and then another, the same length as the first one.
All I feel is embarrassment; it's a backbeat underneath my pulse. Whatever relief there was a minute ago concedes into a fist in the pit of my stomach. It literally makes me sick because I've promised Niall last time would be the last time, and once again, I've let him down.
I quickly shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, leaving the razor behind. I grabbed a tissue from the counter and pressed it against my raw skin. The blood seeped through the first layer of tissue so I grabbed another one. I did this until there was no more blood visible. I threw the bloody tissues into the toilet and watch the water go pink, and I wish it weren't that easy.
I put a few bandages around where the effected area was and felt a small sense of relief for the second time today, even though it was two different kinds of relief. I'm overcome with the feeling of guilt more than pain. Harry's voice is quickly replaced with Niall's words of promise.
"How long have you been doing this for?" He asked, a little more serious. I looked down at the floor.
"I started when I was about fifteen or sixteen." I replied.
"Why did you start?" He pressed. I took a deep breath before answering.
"My parents used to abuse me and I used cutting as a way to cope with it. I felt so unwanted and worthless." He took my hands in his and looked into my eyes.
"You have to promise me you won't do this again. No matter how much you want to." I nodded my head.
"Promise."
Promise. Promise is just a word that means something I can't keep.
*
I returned to my room to change into some new clothes. I put on some white capris and a tank top before going to comb out my hair. I left the bathroom and went to walk downstairs to start another load of laundry when I heard something coming from the twins room. I followed the sound until I recognised what it was.
I slowly creaked the door open without a sound and watched as Harry strummed his guitar. From the corner of my eye I can see both of the twins looking in their fathers direction, watching him play and sing to them. It's a song I've never heard before but the more I listen to it, the more I start to like it. At first he started with just his guitar until he began to sing,
"Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain
I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days
She told me in the morning she don't feel the same about us in her bones
Seems to me that when I die these words will be written on my stone
And I'll be gone, gone tonight
The ground beneath my feet is open wide
The way that I been holding on too tight
With nothing in between
The story of my life
I take her home
I drive all night to keep her warm
And time is frozen"
All of a sudden the music stopped and Harry was looking at me. I felt the urge to turn around and walk away as if I wasn't listening to him play in the first place but something was holding me back and making me stay.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. Please keep playing, I can leave if you want." I mumbled. I played with a strand of my hair between my fingers as I waited for a response. He looked down at his hands, as if to hide the small smile that played on his lips. The white shirt he was wearing before was replaced with dark blue, bringing out the green in his eyes.
"That's okay, you don't have to leave. I mean, I want you to stay. It's just that you weren't exactly supposed to hear that song." He laughed. I cautiously stepped into the room, curious to know what was with the sudden mood change.
"What do you mean?" I asked. He put the guitar beside him and placed the pick in between the strings.
"It's one of the songs the band has been working on for the new album." He replied. New album? When were they writing a new album?
"I didn't even know you guys were talking about a new album." I replied truthfully. The smile seemed to slowly fade of his face.
"I had a couple meetings with the record label while we weren't exactly talking to each other and that's when we decided to start a new album. Louis and Liam seem to be writing a lot of our songs at the moment, they've always been the most creative writers in the group. I've been working on this song for a while and I haven't talked to the guys about it yet. Im scared they won't like it." I stood there as Harry spilled the words he has most likely been keeping to himself. I wasn't expecting him to be so upfront and talkative after we've seemed to avoid each other for the past week. I guess solitary does that to people.
"I like it." I paused and took a few more steps forward. "The song I mean. I think the song is really good. Why wouldn't you want to show it to the record deal?"
"I guess it's because the song seems to be more personal then I thought it would. I don't even know if it's really our style either-"
"Harry, you guys don't have a certain style. You sing whatever you want, it's your band." I sat down in the chair next to him and placed my hand on top of his. "If they like it half as much as I do, I know they are going to love it." I smiled.
"Thank you. That means a lot, truly."
I looked into his eyes but then I pulled away. He pulled his gaze away as well and picked up his guitar.
"Do you mind if I finished the song?" He asked. I nodded my head and he began to play. I closed my eyes and listened to every strum of his guitar, every note in his voice. The music filled the room but more importantly, it put the broken pieces of this last week, back together.
The song finished and he proceeded to put his guitar down once again. When he looked up at me, I was expecting to see another smile but instead his lips were put in a straight line and there was no emotion on his face.
"Sara I'm sorry. I've acted like a jerk lately and you don't deserve any of it. I guess I've taken out all the angry I've been feeling out on you and I shouldn't have. I'm trying to be a good father, a working band member, and a boyfriend all at the same time and sometimes it's hard to balance it all at once. I'm not trying to make excuses for my behaviour but I really hope we can move past this week and act as if it never occurred. Do you think we can do that? Please?" I looked into his eyes and saw the eyes of the 21 year old boy I met 3 years ago back in Wolverhampton. It still to this day amazes me the stuff Harry and I have gone through.
"I would love to do that. I'm sorry too. I've said some things I shouldn't have and regretted them as soon as I said them." The words felt sour as they rolled off my tongue. All I can think about is the cuts placed on my shoulder blade as we sit here. I can feel the guilt of lying to one of the few people I truly care about. I put on a fake smile that I'm hoping I won't have to keep it for long.
"Then it's settled. This last week never happened and things can go back to normal." He flashed his famous smile and placed a small kiss on my cheek. "Now how about I go make us some dinner and you can go relax?" He offered.
"Dinner? It's three o'clock in the afternoon." I pointed out. His face didn't change as I thought it would.
"I know. I want to go and get some ingredients and have an actual meal. Not just make whatever we have in the pantry."
"You really don't have to do that-" He stopped me.
"I want to."
*
I fed and changed both of the twins in the living room and placed them both on their play mats. They didn't do much except move their little arms and legs around. I guess you can't expect much from two month old babies. It amazes me how much they've grown in so little time. I want them to stop growing and stay this size forever.
I picked up Addison in my arms and held her close to me. I studied every one of her facial features, astonished with the fact that I could make something so beautiful. I am so proud to have this little girl and little boy as my children and I wouldn't change any of it. Moments like these make me regret ever self harming myself. If only I could remember this when I hold a sharp razor in my hand.
"Sara, can you come here for a second?" Harry called from the kitchen. He has been in there for the last hour claiming to be making some dinner for us. Not to discourage his cooking abilities but I wouldn't be surprised is he ordered something and put it on our plates, making it look like he cooked it himself.
I walked into the kitchen to find the whole table set with beautiful decor and lit candles placed perfectly around the table.
"Harry." I breathed. "This is amazing."
"I'm glad you like it. I had to make a quick trip to the supermarket to make Shepard Pie because I know it's your favourite. I know this is all kind of cheesy but I felt like it was necessary to do something like this." He smiled. It was also noticeable that Harry had changed into a nice pair of jeans and a form fitted shirt. It almost made me feel under dressed.
"I'll go get the twins and bring them in here so we can eat." I started but was soon stopped.
"Don't worry about it, I'll get them. You sit down and enjoy yourself in the time being." He walked over to me and pushed my chair in behind me like a true gentleman. I must say, this was kind of on the cheesy side but I couldn't seem to get the smile off my face. I haven't been this happy in such a long time that I don't even feel like myself. It feels good.
Harry returned to the kitchen with Aiden in his bouncy seat. A few moments later he was back with Addison. He placed Addison beside me and he kept Aiden with him. Both of the babies are sitting quietly beside us on the floor.
We began eating and I was extremely surprised by how it tasted. I was just excited that Harry remember my favourite meal and was able to make it. He went out of his way to do something for me and I couldn't help but feel like I had to return the favour in one way or another.
*
"Thank you for dinner tonight. It meant more to me than you actually think." I said, cuddling up to him. We just put the twins to bed and decided to stay in our room for the rest of the night.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I tried not to wince from the pain. The cuts I had made earlier still stung because of the placement I had made them. It's the first time I have ever cut in that region so I don't exactly know what pain level is to be expected. Instead I moved his arm to right above my waist, minimising the pain.
"Is something wrong?" Harry asked, noticing the change in position. I shook my head.
"No, everything's fine. I just like your arm here better." I replied simply, hoping he will believe me.
"Is that because it's easier for me to do this?" He lifted me up onto his hips and allowed for me to straddle his waist.
"Yeah something like that." I smirked. Not wanting to wait any longer, I leaned down and pressed my lips to his. He automatically kissed back, rougher than I had expected. His hands moved around my back and didn't take long to find where my bra is hinged together. I knew the time would come again when we'd be at the place where we'd want to take things further. It seems harder and harder every time but I've told myself that I wouldn't let things get this far again so quickly. I know where talking things too fast got us last time and I don't feel like repeating everything so soon.
I pulled away from Harry's touch without saying anything and acted as if nothing was wrong. I could see him pause for a moment, probably confused about what had just taken place. I turned to look at his face, only to have my questions answered.
"What?" I asked, acting oblivious. "I'm tired. Is something wrong?" I laid beside him and pulled the blankets over my body. I tried to act like I meant what I had said.
"No I guess not. Goodnight?" He replied, sounding more like a question. I know this wasn't the best way to handle this situation but it was the fastest thing I could think of. I leaned over and placed one last kiss on his cheek.
"Goodnight."