Arriving to his apartment, Aaron walked into the living room and smiled; Alex's shoes were standing neatly with the others. "Yes," he said, throwing his arms up in mock celebration. "She's learned. She's finally learned to put her shoes away."
"Suck a dick," Alex said from the chaise.
"What?" he said, turning then laughing. "I'm just happy that you're— Oh my God!" He stopped, seeing his best friend, surrounded by a mess of plates and dirty napkins and pizza boxes. "Alex, what the hell?"
"Oh, stop it," Alex said, waving the wine glass in her hand at Aaron. "I'll clean it up later. Pumpkin Sunday came early!"
Aaron pursed his lips, imagining she was somewhere between tipsy and fun drunk, and then, with a puzzled look, asked: "What?"
"Pumpkin Sunday came early," Alex said, pointing the wine glass at the computer in her lap. The red liquid inside titled to the rim.
"Um, okay," Aaron said, walking over to the chaise. "Let's be careful"--he put his hand underneath the wine glass and guided it to a balanced positioned--"so we don't have wine stains on every piece of furniture. What's Pumpkin Sunday?"
"It's like the new Eggplant Friday, but reversed. Let me show you." The wine glass returned to the screen of her computer, threatening the last piece of fabric that hadn't been destroyed by Alex's clumsy wine drinking. "Okay, so this is Eggplant Friday."
On the screen, there was a well-built black man—taking a selfie—in nothing but jogging pants. Immediately, Aaron made the connection: eggplants look like dicks and this particular man was showing off his "eggplant" through his jogging pants. Aaron blew a raspberry. "Please," he said. "He obviously played with himself before he took that picture."
"So," Alex said, shrugging. "I ain't mad at it." She took a sip of her wine then scrolled down the web page, showing more men and their "eggplants." "Okay. So that was Eggplant Friday and this"—she switched to the next page—"is Pumpkin Sunday."
"Ah, I get it now," Aaron said, nodding. There was a collection of handsome, muscular men—again, taking selfies—who were facing the opposite direction, showing off their "pumpkins" through their underwear.
"So what do you think about Pumpkin Sunday?" Alex asked, turning to Aaron.
"Um...I think I like Pumpkin Sunday more than Eggplant Friday."
"Yeah, me too," Alex said, "but I'm starting a petition for both of them to become national holidays. You know, just to be safe." She then took another sip of wine.
Aaron laughed through his nose. "You're so stupid."
"I know," Alex said. "But what the hell am I supposed to do? There are no guys on Hooker."
Aaron sucked his teeth. "Are you serious? There are no guys, out of thirty sites?"
"Yup, no guys," Alex answered. "Just a whole lot of dicks. And I literally mean dicks. I got like twenty dick pics today. No, sorry. Eighteen. One guy said he had two dicks, but I didn't get to see them."
A quick laugh escaped Aaron's mouth. "What?"
"A guy messaged me saying he had two dicks, so I asked the guy to prove it by showing them in front of today's Google doodle. I think it was in honor of Amelia Earhart's one hundred and fifth birthday or something. Whatever, the guy never responded, so I'm guessing he was either a thirteen-year-old boy fucking with me or just some lazy asshole with two dicks."
She gave a quick, bitter laugh. "Jesus Christ, what the fuck's wrong with men? Seriously? I'm obviously not a prude since I've been looking at asses for the last two hours, but it's like: Don't start a conversation with a dick. Say hello, talk to me for a little bit, then show me your DICK"—she hiccuped on the word dick and continued—"Am I right?"
Aaron bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to laugh. "Mmhm."
"Right." Alex gave a long, frustration sigh. "God, it just wasn't my day."
Aaron pouted his lips in sympathy. "I'm sorry, Alex. I'm sure it'll get better."
"Yeah, I hope so," Alex said with a small breath. There was a moment of silence then she asked: "So how was your date with the poly...amorist?"
Aaron face lit up. "Hey, you got it that time."
Alex snorted. "Only when I'm tipsy," she said then raised her wine glass and took another drink.
Aaron laughed through his nose. "Pretty much, but uh...the date was actually pretty good."
"Oh, yeah, I'm so happy for you," Alex said with a playful clap. "What did you do?"
"Well, we went to Five Napkins and, you know, talked." Aaron made a face. "He's um...definitely been in a lot more relationships than me."
Alex titled her head and gave Aaron a droll look. "Aaron, everyone's been in more relationships than you."
"Yes, I know," Aaron said with a cutting smile. "I meant like a lot more." He sat down on the couch. "Maybe even more than you."
Alex snorted. "Yeah right. How many relationships has he been in?"
"Well, he didn't tell me the exact number, but right now he's seeing four guys: Wilson, Zack, Chaka Khan, and me."
Alex let out a loud laugh, probably louder than she wanted. "Chaka Khan?"
"Yeah," Aaron said with a smirk. "That's what I call the third guy because I can't remember his name. I think he's real name is Cayenne Pepper or something. I don't know."
"Um, okay," Alex said with a softer laugh. "How long has he been seeing everyone?"
"Well, it um...differs. He's lives with Zack, so he's been seeing him the longest. I think it's been three or four years. I can't remember how long he's been with Wilson or Chaka Khan, but I get the feeling that he doesn't see them very much."
"Why?"
"Um, I don't know. He's been really focused on his career. He's actually an actor and a singer."
Alex let out a deep groan, rolling her eyes. "Oh, God. Here we go."
"No," Aaron said, chuckling. "It's perfect; he'll be busy with his career, so we're just going to take things slow and have fun. In fact, that's what we talked about right before he kissed me."
Alex's eyes widened like a cat's spotting a surprise cucumber. "He kissed you?"
"Yup," Aaron said, nodding with pride. "And it was good."
"Yas. You're almost a slut now."
"Oh, yeah," Aaron said with a flat smile back. "Can't wait to have the sex."
"Mmhm," Alex replied, nestling into the chaise. She brought her wine glass to her lips. "Just make sure you're safe."
Aaron's forehead crinkled. "From what? Bears?"
"Aaron!" Alex's body spun towards the couch. The wine glass followed, the maroon contents splashing over the rim.
"Oh, my God! The chaise!"
"Shut up," Alex said, looking down. There was a small, pinkish stain on the sleeve of her gray sweater. "It didn't get on the precious furniture." She looked back at Aaron with a pair of steely eyes. "Listen to me. Whether you think you're going to have sex or not, just please promise me you'll be safe, all right?"
Aaron looked away, rolling his eyes. He imagined he had a better chance being attacked by an unruly street gang of bears than having sex with Jonathan, but he didn't want to get into a big argument with Alex (Especially at that moment; she was buzzed from wine, he was buzzed from the kiss—why should he ruin both their fun?) "All right, fine," he said, turning back to Alex. "I'll be safe."
"Good," Alex said then gulped down the rest of her wine. She gave a satisfied 'ah' when she finished. "All right, I need a new sweater and some more wine. Do you want to see today's batch of dick pics?"
Aaron replied with a comedic scoff. "Um, are you thinking? Of course I do. I just need to call Wilson first."
"Why?"
Aaron stood up and started for the hallway. "Oh, he uh...just wants to know how the date went."
Alex snorted, following Aaron. "Well, aren't you guys becoming quite the good sister wives?"
"Well, yeah," Aaron said, turning around and smiling. "I'm the new sister wife. I've got to try to fit in."
"Mmhm," Alex said, bowing her head into a cautious look. "Don't get too invested, my love. Or you'll wind up in a mass wedding with these people. Okay?"
Aaron laughed through his nose as he continued to his bedroom. "Okay," he said then underneath his breath added: "That's still better than nothing."