In the days leading up to Dan's birthday, it was difficult to know how to plan for it. Phil had bought some things for him online, an ornate eucalyptus-mint candle, a soft, fuzzy blanket, and a few terrarium plants. He wanted to do more to make the day special, but he couldn't be sure whether Dan would be comfortable with having guests over or eating cake. As much as he would have liked to keep it a surprise, Phil decided that he should ask Dan what he wanted.
Peering into Dan's room, he found the boy sitting with his legs folded in the lotus position. Dan had his eye closed, and so Phil tapped his fingers lightly on the door post to let him know he was there.
"Hey," Phil called quietly. "What are you up to?"
"Working on some breathing exercises," Dan answered. He inhaled deeply for four seconds, held his breath for seven seconds, and exhaled for eight seconds. "It's been a bit stressful getting into the video planning process again, but I guess that's pretty normal for me."
Phil glanced over at the night stand and saw a notebook open to an empty page. "It doesn't have to be a main channel video. Maybe we could do something on the gaming channel."
Dan took another deep breath and shook his head, his eyes still closed. "I thought of the gaming channel at first, but I'm worried that my hands might get too shaky to hold a controller, and I don't think I can deal with the pressure of trying to think of something for my main channel right now."
Struck by sudden inspiration, Phil said, "What if we did a collab on my channel?" Dan's eyes fluttered open, and Phil eased down on the carpet across from him. "Since your birthday is coming up, would you want to... maybe... do a baking video?"
On the afternoon of the eleventh, Louise showed up at the apartment carrying several shopping bags filled with baking ingredients and decorations. She'd been ecstatic when she got the call the previous night inviting her over for Dan's birthday, though she was rather surprised when they asked for her help with filming a video. It seemed a bit soon, and she hoped they weren't rushing into things.
Dan helped put up the decorations and set out the ingredients and baking utensils, but when Phil brought out the video equipment, the younger boy went and hid in the living room. Louise stayed with him and held his hand while Phil set up the camera in the kitchen. Fully sunken into the sofa crease, Dan's whole body was tensed, and his skin was pale and clammy.
Louise gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "You know, it's not too late to change your mind. We could just make cupcakes and eat them. We don't have to film anything today."
With a shaky exhale, Dan shook his head. "The longer I put this off, the more terrifying my mind makes it seem, but I think I might feel better if I at least give it a try. I'm just... not sure what I'm going to say."
"That's alright. You don't have to do a big introduction or give an explanation or anything. Whatever happens, everyone's just going to be incredibly happy to see you."
In all honesty, Louise wasn't sure how this video was going to go either. She remembered Phil saying on the phone last night, "It's gonna be pretty lowkey. We're going to try to keep the mood light but also keep the banter to a minimum. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful how you and Dan have this great back and forth and can easily make each other laugh, but for tomorrow I'm gonna have to ask you to avoid innuendos as much as possible and just try to keep it PG." As odd as it seemed for Phil to not want any sex references in the video, considering the fact that their baking videos were usually full of them, Louise figured it was best not to ask why.
Right then, Phil peeked around the corner and gave them a thumbs-up to let them know everything was ready. Louise gave Dan's hand another gentle squeeze as the boy rose from the couch on unsteady legs.
It felt a little crowded with the three of them standing close together in the small kitchen. Dan closed his eyes and breathed slowly, in through the nose and out through the mouth, like he'd practiced. Phil went around behind the tripod and turned on the camera. Then he returned to Dan's side and whispered, "It's okay. We're right here with you. Just say hello."
Dan braced himself and opened his eyes, staring straight ahead at the camera. For a second it looked as though he was about to open his mouth and speak. Instead, he turned white as a sheet and pressed a hand over his mouth. A trickle of blood streamed from his nose and splashed against the tile.
"Oh my God!" Louise took a step toward him, but Phil put up an arm to hold her back.
"Wait," Phil whispered. "Touching him at all right now will make it worse." Slowly approaching the boy, Phil quietly called his name. "Hey, Dan? It's me, Phil." He extended his left arm in Dan's line of vision. "If you can hear me, grab my arm."
After a minute, Dan tentatively reached out and grasped Phil's forearm. The older boy maneuvered around to face him, blocking the camera from view. He waited until Dan's wide, terrified eyes locked with his before asking, "Can I put my hand on your arm?" Dan gave him a shaky nod, and Phil gently cradled the back of Dan's elbow. "Alright. We're gonna sit down for a bit, okay? Just keep breathing."
Phil edged towards the cabinets and gently guided Dan down to the floor. Without breaking eye contact, the older boy spoke to Louise and asked, "Could you hand me a damp washcloth, please?"
Louise hurried to fulfill his request while Phil whispered to Dan, "It's alright. You're alright. Just keep squeezing my arm." Once the washcloth was given to him, he placed it in the Dan's free hand and helped Dan press it over his nose to stop the bleeding. A few small whimpering sounds echoed from Dan's throat, but Phil continued to whisper over and over. "It's okay. You're going to be okay."
It was difficult for Louise to tell exactly when it was over. Dan wearily tilted his head against the cabinets as his breathing gradually slowed. Phil took the washcloth and gently cleaned the blood off of his face, and all the while Dan kept his gaze fixed on Phil like he was his only tether to reality. Then as the boy became more aware of his surroundings, he seemed to suddenly remember that Louise was there.
Dan stared up at her with those wide brown eyes and choked out, "Oh God. I'm sorry, Louise. I'm sorry, you weren't supposed to see-"
"Shh, it's alright, love." Louise whispered, kneeling down on the floor in front of him. She knew it wasn't a good idea to pull him into a hug, and so she waited for Dan to lean against her before wrapping her arms around him. "It's alright. You haven't done anything wrong."
As soon as she took the boy into her arms, Phil moved out of the way and went to turn the camera off. His hands were shaking slightly as he draped a bedsheet over the tripod to hide it from view. From what Louise could tell, Phil looked like he needed a hug too, like it was taking every ounce of strength he had to hold himself together.
Leaning back against the table, Phil rubbed his eyes and muttered, "Maybe we should stop for today and try again another time."
"No," Dan answered quickly. "It's fine, I'll be fine." Louise let him go and helped him sit up against the cabinets. The boy was still pale and shaking. "I want to try it again. Just give me a minute."
"We should probably wait a little while longer before giving it another go," Louise insisted. "Just try to rest for hour or so and see how you're feeling then."
Dan breathed out slowly and murmured, "Okay."
Back in the living room, Phil laid a blanket over Dan as the boy lay slumped sideways on the couch holding onto the stuffed Winnie-the-Pooh Louise had gotten him for his birthday. The red and yellow teddy bear was made with soft, plush material that was soothing to touch. Phil sat perched on the vacant side of the couch for a while and watched Dan's side rise and fall with his breathing. Then he heard Louise clear her throat and turned to see her standing in the hallway.
Louise waved him over and asked in a hushed voice, "Hey, you feeling okay?"
Phil rubbed his eyes once more before putting on a brave face. "Yeah, I'm alright. Don't worry about me."
"I can stay with him if you want to go lie down for a bit."
"Thanks, but I, um..." He sighed heavily and admitted, "It's hard seeing him like this, but being away from him is worse."
They both jumped slightly when a jarring ringtone echoed through the room and Dan's phone lit up on the coffee table. Dan sat bolt upright at the sound but didn't move to answer it. Phil picked it up and looked at the caller ID.
"It's your grandma."
Dan's eyes widened in shock. He raised a trembling hand to his mouth and then reached out to accept the phone as Phil handed it to him. "Hello?"
"Hello, dear. Happy Birthday," his grandmother's voice echoed from the other end of the line. "Sorry I haven't been in touch for a while."
"That's alright," Dan responded, his voice cracking a bit.
"Are you feeling alright, Daniel? You sound a bit under the weather."
Swallowing a lump in his throat, Dan muttered, "Yeah, I'm alright."
"Well, I don't go on the Twitter that often, but apparently people there are concerned that you haven't been putting any videos on the YouTube for a while, and they seem to think you might be ill. Of course, your fans tend to say the strangest things."
Dan closed his eyes and braced an arm over his stomach. "Um, actually, Grandma, I did have to take a break from making video because... I really haven't been feeling well for a few months now."
"Oh goodness."
"It's okay. I've been seeing a doctor and taking medication, and I'm starting to feel better now, and I'm sorry I haven't told any of you about it. I just... didn't want you to worry." There was silence on the line, and then the sound of a sniffle, and Dan's eyes started tearing up. "Phil and I are actually gonna try to film a video today, so that might be uploaded soon in case you wanted to watch it."
"Oh, of course. It would make my so happy just to get to see you," his grandmother answered tremulously, "and you know you can call me anytime to talk about what's been going on with you, or just to chat."
"Yeah, I know."
"Good. I'll let you go work on that video now. Love you, Baby Bear."
Dan's chest tightened. She hadn't called him that since he was five years old. Tears streaming down his face, Dan took a shaky breath and said, "Love you too."
The second he hung up, Phil rushed to Dan's side just as the boy broke down. Dan collapsed against him, burying his face against Phil's shoulder to muffle his sobs as the older boy held him tight. Up until then, Louise had remained in the doorway, and though she wasn't able to fully understand all the emotional implications of the scene before her, it still made her heart ache.
Once the tension in the room eased, Louise stepped into the living room and asked, "You okay, Dan? How are you feeling?"
"A bit better, actually," Dan answered, wiping the tear tracks from his face with his sleeve. "I think I'm ready to give it another try."
***
Night had fallen by the time Phil was about finished with editing the video. Louise brought him a hot mug of tea and took a seat next to him at the dining table where he was sat hunched in front of his laptop trimming down the last few clips. She glanced back at Dan on the couch cuddled up under a blanket with his Winnie-the-Pooh teddy bear. The headphones over his ears were playing soft classical music and blocking out the voices coming from the laptop. Apparently, it was going to take some time and a bit more healing before Dan was ready to help with editing process again.
Turning back to Phil, Louise nudged the mug of tea towards him and whispered, "Hey, you've been at it for a while. You think you could use a break?"
Phil took his eyes off the screen and noticed the mug of tea that she'd brought him. With shaky hands, he picked it up to take a sip and murmured a soft, "Thanks." He looked completely exhausted and on edge at the same time. "I guess I can add some visual and sound effects later, but do you want to see what we've got so far?"
"Sure."
Phil slid the laptop to the right a few inches to give Louise a better view. He hesitated for a few seconds, though, before hovering the mouse over the play button and starting the video.
The first few seconds showed their empty kitchen. Then Phil peered around the doorway and awkwardly stepped into frame. "Hey guys. So I guess it's been a while since you've heard from us, but we figured it was time to make another video, because today is someone's birthday."
Phil's face lit up with an adoring smile as he gazed at the boy offscreen and motioned for Dan to join him in the kitchen. Dan stared back at Phil and kept his eyes locked on him as he cautiously walked through the doorway. It went without saying that this video would likely contain even more eye-contact than usual so that Dan wouldn't have to look at the camera too much, but their audience probably wouldn't mind one bit.
With an arm braced over his stomach, Dan smiled and lifted his other arm halfway to wave briefly at the fourth wall. "Hi there," the boy said in a soft, timid voice, his gaze a bit unfocused.
"As you all know," Phil continued, "we don't, um... have the best track record with baking videos, and on top of that we've been out of the YouTube game for a while. Thankfully though, one of our dear friends is here to help us relearn how to internet."
"And to make sure we don't burn down the kitchen," Dan added with a cheeky little smile, still staring at Phil. Then they both turned towards the doorway as Louise made her usual bright and bubbly entrance.
It was a relatively short video. They'd used a cupcake mix that came packaged in a box, which was the only thing Dan could hold without dropping because his hands were still shaking quite a bit. He stood to the side reading the instructions on the back of the box while Phil and Louise added the ingredients to the bowl and stirred them together, which turned out to be unintentionally comedic due to the height difference. Dan smiled and laughed now and then, but those seemed more like nervous reflexes than anything else.
Once the cupcakes were baked and thickly coated with the strawberry buttercream frosting that Louise had made from scratch at home, they put them on display in the center of the kitchen table. Then Louise and Phil sat down on either side of Dan, and Phil placed one of the cupcakes in front of him with a lit birthday candle.
"What'd ya expect me to do with that?" Dan murmured with hint of comedic snark in his weak, raspy voice.
"It's your birthday," Louise said gently. "You've gotta blow out the candle and make a wish."
"First of all, I don't think I have the lung capacity for that. Secondly, you know my branding. I'm completely dead inside."
"It'll be a combined effort, then. Phil and I will concentrate on all the wishes and good thoughts we have for you, and we can blow out the candle together."
Phil nodded in agreement. "That's a good idea." He turned towards the camera. "You guys at home can join in as well. Just send all your good thoughts and wishes telepathically, and when I count to three, everyone blow your screen... I mean, um... blow on your screen."
Louise figured this was bound to happen. Phil was prone to blunders and making unintentionally inappropriate comments. When Phil turned his gaze back to Dan, however, he didn't look sheepish or embarrassed. He looked worried.
Just like that, Dan burst out laughing, the loud, wonderful, heart-lifting laugh of his that the world had been deprived of for too long. "Oh my God, Phil! For fuck's sake!"
Naturally, Louise and Phil broke into fits of laughter as well. Then once Louise regained her composure, she looked over at the two boys. They were holding hands under the table, and Phil looked as though he was about to cry from happiness.
Not wanting things to get too serious, Louise took charge of the counting. "Okay, everyone, let's do this, on the count of three. One, two-"
They blew out the birthday candle and waved goodbye to the audience. Then the video ended.
At the dining table, Phil turned to Louise and asked, "What do you think?"
"It's good," Louise assured him. "I don't think it even needs that many special effects added to it. You might want to adjust the zoom a bit or something on the last part, though, because otherwise your audience will be able to tell that you and Dan were holding hands."
Phil shrugged. "That's okay."
"Really? You don't mind people noticing that?"
"It's nothing new, really," Phil said quietly. He glanced back at the couch to make sure Dan was still resting before continuing. "We know the we can be a bit obvious sometimes, but noticing those things makes people happy, and that's fine. It's not like it was before when people wanted confirmation so badly that they tried to make us discuss our feelings for each other during live shows or demanded for us to kiss on camera. Back then having people read into every interaction between us was really scary, but now that things have calmed down a bit, it's nice to be able to let our emotions show in little ways rather than actively trying to hide them."
"So one of these days you two are just going to fully make out on camera?"
Phil sighed, "I don't know about that. I think that we both have a really intense self-awareness on camera. We do try to be as authentic as possible, but it still feels like we're sort of in performance mode when we make a video or go to an event and everything we do or say is supposed to be for other people's entertainment. The 'heart eyes' thing sort of come out naturally, but I think it would feel kind of weird and wrong to do anything overtly romantic on camera, because then it would feel like a performance, and generally we prefer to keep that part of our life just between us. Of course, who knows? Maybe one day that will change. For now it's great that people get so much enjoyment from what we are willing to share, but we don't want to give them any reason to expect to see more. After what happened, it's hard enough for Dan to be comfortable on camera at all."
"After what happened...?" Louise repeated.
"Shit," Phil murmured, pressing his palms against his eyes. "I'm sorry I keep doing that." He took a sip of his tea and laid a hand over Louise's on the table. "I do trust you, Louise, I promise. It's just not my place to say. When Dan is ready to talk about it, he probably won't tell that many people, but you'll definitely be one of the them."
Louise sighed. "That's a relief, I guess. I just hope he knows how much I care about him."
"He does," Phil said firmly. "In fact, I have a favor to ask of you. When the video goes up, a lot of our friends are going to be asking you questions, but it would be best not to let any of them know how often you've been at our apartment lately. Right now you're the only visitor Dan's comfortable having here. You're really good with him."
Louise glanced back at the couch. Dan's breathing suggested that he had fallen asleep. Getting up to leave, Louise whispered, "I should be heading home now. Tell him I said goodnight. Also, I need you to promise me something."
"Yeah?"
"I know you're doing the best you can to take care of him. Just please promise me that you'll take care of yourself too."
Phil knew she could tell he was worn out, but he couldn't tell her about all the worries that were still on his mind. He simply responded with, "Okay."