this is an extreeeemely long chapter brace yourself
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The sense of déjà vu was incredibly strong. The old fear was still there, the one that always warned Jade to stay away from people and not open up to them. Now she had more reason than ever to not trust Michael, to keep away from him, but likewise, she also had more reason than ever before to try to be his friend, to be there for him in case he needed someone to help support him.
And Jade wasn't necessarily telling Michael about her mother because she wanted him to know. It was mostly because she had talked about it with Ashton so much she felt like all she ever did anymore was complain to him about her life. He didn't need to hear any of the shit that went on his her life. Sure, he was her best friend and had helped her through a lot, but Jade still felt like she was dumping everything on him. At least with Michael now, it was more balanced. Jade was somewhat helping him and in return he would somewhat listen to her. Even if he did nothing. Because there really wasn't much that he could do.
"Can you promise me something, Michael?" Jade said with looking at him. She had made the mistake of spilling everything to him before, and although he hadn't used that information against her, Jade was still fearful about opening up to Michael again. It wasn't because she wanted to be; it was just an instinctive response to how people had treated her in the past.
"Don't ask me to promise something you know I can't," Michael replied just as quietly, guilt lacing his voice.
Jade thought for a second how to best phrase what she wanted to say, but couldn't exactly figure it out. "I know I've told you stuff before and I know you haven't told anyone else about it and I appreciate that. But I need to know that I can trust you this time. Last time didn't turn out so good," Jade paused to catch her breath. "But we're starting over and I want a clean start for this, too." She looked at Michael then and found him already looking at her, the flashlight from the phone casting an eerie glow on his face. "Can you promise me that I won't regret this?"
Michael took minute before answering, which made Jade a little anxious. "No," he finally said, fiddling with his hands. "There's a good chance that you might regret this because I am a complete and utter idiot. I'll probably do or say something that'll piss you off and make you wish you'd never talked to me. But I don't think any of that could get worse than what we've already been through."
The honesty was enough for Jade. He wasn't making empty promises about not hurting her or not letting her down. The sincerity in his words satisfied Jade and she smiled a little, though Michael was still looking down at his hands. Then she remembered what she had come here to get off her chest and the smile was wiped off her face.
"So I met my mother," Jade said and the change in her tone was so obvious it was a wonder Michael didn't look up. Instead, he kept staring at his hands, twiddling his fingers around. Jade wasn't even sure that he heard her. "Hey, you okay?" She touched his shoulder and Michael's eyes snapped up to hers.
"Yes, I'm fine," he said and then gave her a rueful smile. "You're really nice, Jade. I'm sorry for being an asshole."
"We're past that, right?" Jade stretched her legs and then hugged them to her chest. The ground was starting to get a little uncomfortable and it was warm out.
"Yeah, sorry. Okay, tell me about your mom."
"Not my mom," Jade said darkly. "My mom is gone and I miss her a lot. My mother, though, she's something else. I met her eighteen days ago and it didn't go well. I basically ended up yelling at her because I got too overwhelmed knowing that she just gave me up. Just like that. And that she kept her other daughter. My sister." Jade stopped, realizing she hadn't taken a breath since she started talking and that Michael was staring at her with his mouth open. "Sorry."
"Don't apologize," he said softly. "Are you upset?"
What an understatement, Jade thought. "I'm so upset, Michael. What kind of person has the heart to give their child away? Why even have a child if you just plan on giving it to some stranger? I just don't get it and it's so frustrating. Why couldn't I just live the rest of my life knowing that my parents are my only parents? Why did it have to happen to me?"
"Don't we all ask ourselves that?" Michael mused and Jade was unsure whether he was talking to her or himself. "We look at our situation and think we have it bad. We always ask, 'Why me?' But we never stop to think about the people who have it worse. We never ask ourselves, 'Why them? Why not me?' " Michael looked up at Jade and bit his lip, seeming somewhat sheepish. "Sorry, I didn't mean to say you don't have a legitimate reason to be angry."
"No, I get it," Jade said. She could see what Michael was trying to say. It's no secret that humans are selfish. We always look for ways to be in easier situations, even if it means pushing others into more difficult ones. It's out nature and it was Jade's nature too. "I just want to know what reason that had for not keeping me. Was it me? Or was it something else?"
"Have you talked to her again?" Michael asked.
Jade shook her head. "No, but I did get an email from her two weeks ago. She says she wants to meet again, so she can explain everything. Well, she just wanted to meet and I told her I need answers. So she said she would give them to me." Another pause. "But no, we haven't actually talked again. I don't really want to, if I'm being honest."
"That's understandable," Michael said. "What about your sister?"
"What about her?" Jade didn't know anything about her sister. "She looked to be about three, maybe four years old. Her name is Lacey." Jade swallowed the sudden lump that her formed in her throat. "I'd always wanted a sister. A friend and a sister."
Michael took Jade's hand in his and she wasn't sure which one of them froze first. She didn't pull away, though. She was too shocked to do anything. And apparently, so was Michael. They both sat there and stared at their hands. Then, ever so slowly, Michael gently squeezed Jade's hand and smiled at her.
"I'll be your friend."
Jade's throat tightened at his words and she quirked her eyebrow at him, trying to make light of the situation. "You're not awful, Michael. What happened to you before?"
"I was an idiot," he said simply. "Still am." He let go of Jade's hand and clasped both of his together. "I think you should talk to her. Maybe not right now, but soon. Because you want answers, and she's the only one who can give them to you."
"I know." Jade said. She had argued with Ashton the day before about the same thing. He kept urging her to email Sheila and fix a time and place, but Jade just didn't want to yet. She kept thinking that just like last time, she would lose her shit and just lash out. But she could only put it off for so long.
*•*•*
Friday night they were all supposed to go out to dinner. Jack, Sandra, Harry, Ashton, and Jade. She had been living with them for a month, but they hadn't gotten a chance to properly sit together as a family. Jack had a hectic job so he was rarely home for dinner. Tonight he was and Sandra decided to make the most of it.
But of course Jade had to fuck it all up.
She got a headache around four in the afternoon and thought it would pass, so she didn't bother saying anything to anyone. However, it didn't pass and only got worse. Half an hour before they were supposed to leave, she told Ashton. And like any reasonable person would, he told her to take a painkiller. But Jade had a weird thing about painkillers and didn't take one for minor headaches. The last time she took one was the day after the party, and that was only because she was hungover.
"Do you want me to talk to mom and cancel the reservations?" Ashton asked after many pointless attempts to get Jade to take an Advil.
"No, don't do that," she said. "You guys can still go without me."
Ashton sighed. "J, the whole point is to go with you."
"I mean, I can come," Jade said, still refusing to touch the painkillers. "I might be a buzzkill, but I don't want to let Sandra down when she's trying so hard to make me feel better."
Ashton raised an eyebrow at her. "Do you think she'll drag you out when you don't feel well?"
"No."
In the end, they did go to dinner, but Jade stayed home. The plans weren't cancelled and Ashton and Harry would get to have some time with their family, which wouldn't really have been the same with Jade.
So she stayed back and watched Netflix on Ashton's laptop. After an hour of Teen Wolf and laughing at Stiles's witty comments, Jade started to get bored of it. She wasn't one to just sit and watch TV. She never really had the time to. Now that she was alone in the house after so long, the sense of loneliness crept back and crowded her. Ashton wasn't here now to make her laugh or distract her. She got her shitty phone out and looked through some of the pictures of her mom and dad, which wasn't a good idea. It made her feel even worse and she wanted to get out. Out of this room. Away from this place. In a hurry, she got up and left, locking the front door.
But once she got to the woods and sat by the tree, it didn't work. She didn't feel better. She still felt trapped, like everything was closing in on her. Not only was Ashton gone, but Michael wasn't here either. She had become scarily dependent on them both and it was becoming clear. But right now, it didn't matter. What mattered was staying focused on her breathing and not getting suffocated by this empty, heavy feeling. A minute later, she found herself outside Michael's house, her trembling hands typing a text. It took her a few times before she got the spelling right.
Jade: can you come and open the door
She waited for his response, but it didn't come immediately. Jade leaned against the side of the door and closed her eyes, rubbing her temples with her knuckles. She lost track of time and didn't know how long she stood there before the door opened and she heard Michael say, "Are you okay?"
Jade opened her eyes and stared at Michael, who was wearing nothing but gray sweatpants. And for once, she didn't try to lie to him about how she was feeling. "No," she said. "I'm not okay."
"What's wrong?" Michael stepped forward and put one hand on her shoulder, using the other to tilt up her chin.
"I'm sorry." Jade didn't know exactly what she was apologizing for. She hadn't done anything wrong. But she felt like such a huge inconvenience to everyone and it made her guilty.
Michael's already worried gaze softened even more and he pulled Jade to his bare chest. His skin was cold, which was weird, because Jade would think he would be warm, considering it was May. Regardless, it felt good to be hugged. She didn't like to be touched a lot. But right now, God, it felt good. Just knowing that someone was there. "I'm sorry," Jade said again.
"Shh, you don't need to be sorry." Michael rubbed her back in small circles and pulled her into the house, letting the door shut. He pushed her back enough to look at her and then asked again, "What's wrong?"
Jade didn't know what was wrong. It wasn't like something bad had happened. She hated feeling this way, when she has absolutely no idea what was going on and why she was behaving the way she was. She shook her head at Michael and he hugged her again. Jade didn't even mind. She liked it. She liked being held by Michael. He brought her up to his room and locked the door behind him.
"Are your parents home?" Jade asked as she sat on the edge of his unmade bed and Michael laid on his stomach, not bothering to put on a shirt.
"No," Michael said, his voice muffled by the bed. "They went out for dinner, but I didn't want to go with them."
Jade chuckled, but the sound was so hysterical it didn't even seem like she laughed at all. "I was supposed to go to dinner, but I felt awful, so I stayed behind."
Michael sat up, looking over at Jade worriedly. "Tell me what's wrong, please."
"Everything is wrong, Michael. You know that," Jade said slowly, feeling something build up inside of her, just waiting to lash out. "I don't know what to do. I know I need to meet Sheila again, but I don't want to see her. I want my mom and dad back. I want my friends back, the ones who actually were my friends before they stabbed me in the back. I want Ashton and Harry to be happy, but I can't bring their mom and dad back either. I want you to be healthy and happy. I want to be happy again, like I used to be when mom and dad were alive. I want to feel whole again." Jade was crying now. She could feel the hot tears rolling down her face and her breathing was labored. Michael scooted closer to her and held her hand. "I'm tired of being a burden on Ashton and everyone else. I don't want to live like this anymore. I just want to get away from here."
Michael closed the space between them and wrapped one arm tightly around Jade, his other hand still clutching hers. How odd, Jade thought. This was Michael comforting her. Her mind flashed back to the day her mom died, when she told Michael that comfort only came from friends. Is that what they were? Friends? Jade didn't know, but she wanted it. She wanted to be his friend. She wanted him to be her friend.
"Jade, you're not a burden for anyone," Michael whispered soothingly in her ear. "Ashton loves you. You and him are practically family now. You're not alone, Jade. I'm here."
"For how long?" Jade mumbled, blinking back more tears that welled up in her eyes. "How long before you turn your back on me like everyone else did?"
"Never." The conviction in his voice was undeniable and it only made Jade feel worse. She didn't know why. Maybe because Michael really had never meant to hurt her and she had been a bitch to him for longer than necessary. "I'll always be here." He raised their intertwined hands and kissed her knuckles lightly. Jade froze. It was such a feather light touch that Jade almost didn't feel worthy of. A kiss that gentle shouldn't have been wasted on her. But she liked it. Whether or not she deserved it, she liked it a lot. She didn't want Michael to leave.
"I used to have a lot of friends," Jade spoke softly. The only other person in the world who knew about her past life was Ashton. Her life before she moved to this town with her mom. Now Jade wanted to change that. She wanted Michael to know. She wanted him to understand why she had issues. Why she had trouble trusting others.
"I had a happy childhood. Nothing terribly sad or traumatic. I was an only child, so naturally I was pampered. Daddy's little girl. Anything I wanted, I just had to say the word and it was mine. Life was good. My parents loved each other and they loved me. I was happy. School was a breeze. I had tons of friends because I was just that girl. The one who always had everything everyone else wanted. I was nice, or so I like to think. People adored me." Jade paused for a second and took a deep breath. Now it was getting difficult to talk about this. "Until I fell for this guy during sophomore year. At the time, he was everything I wanted and I did everything I could to get him. Needless to say, I got him. I became fixated around him. I started to alienate myself from my friends. He did that. He cut me off from everyone. He blackmailed me. He used our relationship as a threat and I played right along with his dirty game because I was too stupid and naïve to stand up for myself. And then I slept with him."
Jade stopped. This was the hardest part. When she told Ashton, it had been in snippets. Something would happen or Ashton would tell her something about his life and Jade would share a piece of her story. She had never told anyone all of it at once. It was harder than she could ever imagine. Michael kissed her knuckles again, this time even more gently, and that was all the encouragement Jade needed to continue.
"I thought I was the shit, having sex when I was just barely 15. I was pretty much wasted and his parents weren't home, so of course he used that to his advantage. Our houses weren't far apart, so he walked me home afterwards and I saw him at school two days later. He didn't call me or text me during those two days and I knew I had made a mistake. A big one. My friends were already not my friends. So when I did go to school, the only thing people called me was a whore. A slut. Someone who had slept with every guy in the building. The people I thought were my friends now looked at me like I was some sort of a contagious disease. I hated it. Zach didn't speak to me only once after that, only to tell me that I'm disposable. That I can be oh so easily replaced."
Michael pushed her back a little and put on hand on her cheek, using his thumb to wipe away her tears. "You're not disposable. You're worth so much more than that asshat could ever be."
"I try to tell myself that," Jade grimaced. She tried her hardest not to let shit get to her. Especially when it was coming from misogynistic men who really needed some guidance.
"Please," Michael pleaded. "Whether you believe anything else I say, believe this. You mean a lot to a lot of people. You're most definitely not disposable."
"I know, Michael." She took Michael's hand away from her face and held it in hers, glancing down at his forearm, which was almost completely healed aside from the faint pink marks. "You need to remember that too. You're worth a lot. Just because things get difficult sometimes doesn't mean you can give up. You have to keep fighting."
"I know I do." Michael pulled her back into his chest and Jade smiled this time. His skin was warmer now, more comfortable. She could get used to this. Being held by someone other than Ashton. "Tell me more, please."
Jade closed her eyes as she spoke now. "So he told me I was disposable and I told him to go and fuck himself backwards with a wooden dildo. Didn't know what that would look like, but I said it."
Michael's chest rumbled with loud laughter and Jade grinned as well for a short moment before the smile vanished.
"I came across as arrogant or whatnot because I didn't give them the satisfaction of knowing that they really did hurt me. Until my dad died. I saw him before school and I asked him to bring me a new journal because the one I had at the time ran out of pages. It's not a clear memory because I didn't know I would never see him again. I never got that journal and I've never written since. After dad, things got rough. Mom didn't have a support system or any family. I didn't have a job. Soon after, we both moved to West Hartford. It wasn't so bad at first. But then mom started having a drinking problem and other issues and we started living in a trailer and then she died." Jade bit her lip. It was almost over. "All the people in my life I took for granted, some betrayed me and others left me. All of them let me down somehow. Which is why I'm wary of new people and relationships."
Michael wrapped his arms tighter around Jade. "I'm sorry." There was so much guilt in his voice that it alarmed Jade and she craned her neck back to look at him.
"For what?"
"I was such a dick to you, Jade. I'm sorry. I know I've said it before, but I mean it. If I could go back in time, I would. I'd make sure to do things the right way without hurting or disrespecting you. I'm sorry."
"I won't say that it's okay because it wasn't. But I think we both learned something from it and, honestly, I'm past it." Michael gave her a small, appreciative smile. "Admittedly, I wish it hadn't happened, but it did and we have to learn to live with it and move on from it. I'm not going to hold it against you for the rest of your life."
This time Michael gave her a real smile and said, "Thanks, Jade." He pulled away from Jade and climbed off the bed, grabbing a black shirt from the floor and hurriedly putting it on. He turned to Jade and held out a hand. Jade raised an eyebrow and Michael grinned at her. "C'mon, I'll show you something."
Jade thought about it for a second. She knew he wouldn't do anything bad and she wasn't afraid of him, so she didn't see the point in saying no. They were making progress and Jade was liking it. She put her hand in Michael's outstretched one and got up from the bed, following him out of the room.
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sooooo. if you read that all congrats
after is now available in stores wtf is this world coming to im done
don't let these die even if their bitchass deleted them
"@5SOS: Unfortunately I won't make it off the plane, who knew masturbating on a plane is illegal. -Michael"
"@5SOS: Why is my penis so bent and weird?? -Luke"
"@5SOS: Just p00ped my p3nts h0pe no 1 n0tice$ -mikey"
ps. happy 3rd bday 5sos i love your idiot asses