The Dauntless compound is a dangerous place; I always thought that they were free to do whatever they wished, with no danger, nor rules. I was wrong; some Dauntless are just plain violent; they are reckless. True bravery is standing up for what is right. Many people here they don't live by that. They think the only way to live a memorible life is to be reckless; by testing their bravery to the limit. To try the inevitable, to strive to go too far. They risk their priceless lives to just prove something to someone. It's not about what people think about you; it's about how you see yourself. Not to the point to were you have become a cocky, judgemental ass. But to the point were you can say you're okay with who you have become. That you are comfortable with your own skin; when you can be yourself without being afraid to show your true self. Without being afraid of your hamartias; your fatal flaws. They's always a price; you can either be someone afraid to show their true self to fit in or you can be your true self regardless of what people think of you. I want to be myself; in Abnegation I was too selfish. I couldn't fit in. I couldn't express my true personality; to be who I could be. Being myself is what matters. I wanted to stick out; not because I wanted to be popular or to fit in. Because I wanted to different; I didn't want to be a cookie-cutter person, dedicated to be someone they're not. I want to someone with the freedom; the intergrity to be myself.
At this time at night; nobody's here. It's very desolite, everyone's trying to do something before having to be confined to a dark room for eight hours. I tend to be a loner; I like to think. At times my mind is a black hole of darkness and at other times; at the majority of times my mind has a sea of thoughts flowing throughout my mind. Today, like most nights my mind is full of many thoughts. I think of everything that has happened since I have transfered. My father and mother have came to the compound, Edward is divergent, Four is Marcus's son and everything else. But one thing still sticks in my mind; my test results; my divergence. I am a threat; someone who has the power to overthrough the government.
Marcus. He is a monster. I remembered the words he said before abusing Four. "This is for your own good. For you to be stronger." they feel like poision. He wanted to hurt his son. I think it's wrong; hurting someone; someone innocent. This will not make you stronger; it just creates scars. Scars that will never disappear. Not physical scars; but mental scars. Remembering the experience of the pain and rush of fear. Someone who did this to you is someone who will never be forgiven. They might; but none of the less it is a horrible crime.
I think of my father; he was selfless. He might still be; but he may just live a double life. One honorable life; the one that people vaue and envy. And another of selfishness; someone who cares about themself and no one else. I can't imagine how long he's been hiding this. Living a life of selflessness and then comes home and is a selfish hypocrite. It sickens me.
I look at my watch; my watch from my old home. The one who made me who I am today; the one that also drove me away. It's a standard watch, with a simple gray strap and the outline of metal. Nothing special but it works. It's only 8:30. The time seems to take forever to change. The minutes feel like hours. That take so long to just change to the next one. At times I miss the peaceful, quiet Abnegation sector of the city. Everyone there was so selfless; some children were scolded for being selfish. Can you blame them? They have wants, like all of us. We want things; we want a lot of things.
Selfishness is a crime; but not what you might think. Everyone is selfish; in a way. We all want things; we get jealous. But not all of us are titled as selfish. It's difficult to say; to explain.
"Hey Carter," says a cold voice. I turn around; Eric.
"What do you want?" I hiss.
"Oh I want to know why you hang out with Four and Tris," he says smirking.
"Because they're friendly," I lie. I just hang out with them; because they're kindness reached me. They let me take a seat. I got to be friends with people who would in the long run probably wouldn't even talk to me. But I got to see what they were on the inside.
"Yeah, sure," he says. His eyes are cold pits and his voice is raspy. "Now tell me the truth," he says.
"They let me sit with them and we became friends," I say plainly.
He laughs, "That's something,"
"You going to leave now?" I ask coldly. He's no so scary if you stand up to him.
"Yeah. Goodbye Carter," he says pretending to be nice. I roll my eyes and he walks away.
I think Eric's an idiot. A coward as well. He rags on everyone for being cowards and not brave enough. He's the coward. He thinks everyone except him is a coward. But he is not even a fraction of someone who is brave. Selflessness is close to bravery in a way. Doesn't it take selflessness to make the ultimate sacrfrice; to give up your life for another's. I think it does.
"Hey Carter," says someone; the voice is femime and raspy. This person's been crying.
"Hi-" I say and when I turn around I see Catherine she has tears in her bright green eyes.
"Catherine what's wrong?" I ask.
"Well Jake, as you said was fine. But he wasn't mentally sound. He-he killed his mom," she mutters. I thought he was a generally good person; one who is not capable of killing. I was wrong.
"I'm so sorry," I say, while engulfing her in my embrace. Her whole body's shaking. "Why do you think he did it?" I ask.
"Well a few days ago he was ragging on his mom for being too nosey and he said that people that couldn't respect someone's privacy sh-should die," she answers. I feel horrible. I can't even imagine what would drive someone to insanity. He shouldn't have done that. He's crazy.
"Sometimes people aren't what they seem to be," I say, out of memory of what Four said to me when my father wasn't who he seemed to be.
"I guess you're right," she sighs. "Thanks,"
"For what?" I ask.
"You being my friend," she answers.
"No problem," I say in return. In Abnegation we reject complements. They are self-indulgent. At least that's what they taught us to believe.
"Carter!" yells Tris coming into the dorms.
"What?" I scream.
"Johnny's missing!" she yells back.
I can't breathe, my brother's missing. Lord knows where he is. But why is he missing? What if he just decided to leave?
"Are you sure he didn't just go out?" I ask; my strong voice is gone it's replaced with a weak, shaking voice.
"He was in his apartment and a suspect heard a scream," she says. I fall to the ground. This is not happening, this is not happening. This is not happening. My knees have became weak and they just snapped. I break into tears; I can't do this. Tris calls someone in.
"Did you tell her?" asks someone. I can't tell who my eyes contain tears that blur my vision; I can only see figures.
"Isn't it obvious Four?" she asks her voice is loud and shaky.
"Okay fine." he admits and starts to hug me. I can't hug back; I can't move. I just stay there stuck in one place in time. I just sit there with tears welling in my eyes and staring at the stone ceiling. I will find my brother. I will find him. If it involves revenge; I will do it.