Perfect Doesn't Last Forever- Chapter 2
“Ugh, he just makes me so angry!” I exasperated, angrily pushing dress after dress aside on the rack I was looking at. “Where does he get the courage to call me a bad mother?”
“I don’t know Britt,” Ella sighed, quickly examining a dress she pulled out and adding it to her pile of clothes she was going to try on. “He’s Damien. He’s bitter that you broke up with him and he’s just lashing out.”
“See, I just don’t understand that. He knows I’m a good mother. I do everything for Hayley and she’s perfect. Hayley is healthy and she is happy. I did that and he knows it.” It was so frustrating! Damien used to tell me I was an amazing mother and all it took was me breaking up for him to change into a resentful, angry, and rude guy. After returning home yesterday from Damien’s, my parents sat me down and asked me where I was. I stuck to my story and they told me not to let it happen again. That was it. I didn’t get yelled at or grounded like I would have if I were still in high school without Hayley and just come back home after curfew. My parents stopped being so uptight, but I guess it’s hard to parent me when I was a parent myself. There were new boundaries and they held back more and I learned how to push the line more and more as the months went by, but I was surprised that they were so relaxed on my forgetting Hayley.
“How about this?” Ella asked me, holding up a dusty blue high-low dress with a dark brown belt. “Would you wear this?”
“That’s really cute!” I gushed as she handed me the dress. “But what do you think I should do?”
“Honestly Britt, how could you oversleep anyway? You’ve never overslept your entire life.”
“I have no idea! I was having such a bad day yesterday. Hayley wouldn’t go to sleep until eight and by that time I was so exhausted that I took a one hour nap and then woke up to catch up on some reading for my biology class and write a paper for my psychology class. But I still couldn’t read all the biology material before class so I went into the lecture unprepared.” I literally spent all of yesterday running on caffeine, but by the time I got out of my biology class I couldn’t handle the exhaustion. “And I don’t know. I feel so comfortable in Noah’s arm that I never want to leave them.”
“That’s sweet Brittany,” Ella cooed as we moved on to the next rack of clothing. “But still, if Damien is getting you so riled up for just forgetting once, I don’t recommend a repeat of yesterday. And if you are feeling that tired, just call me and I’ll babysit for a night if you need to.”
“I could never ask that of you,” I told her, grateful that she would even consider taking Hayley for a night. “Hayley’s my responsibility and I’m definitely not going to ever let that happen again.”
“I hope not,” she warned, nodding towards the dressing room. “You ready to go try all this stuff on?”
“Let’s do it,” I said, following her to the dressing room at the back of the store. “But I really want this to work with Damien. He’s so bitter, it’s ridiculous, like it’s not like this is the first time we’ve been apart. And if he really wants to be a good parent he needs to just focus on Hayley and not be so resentful towards me. I don’t want Hayley to know that we don’t get along; I mean yesterday she ran inside crying because Damien and I were fighting with each other. I feel like she’s gotten to the age where she’s kind of aware of what’s going on around her.”
“I don’t know Britt,” she started as we both got situated in our dressing rooms. “I think you guys just need to sit down and talk everything out. From what I could tell, you sort of just broke off the engagement selfishly. Damien wanted you guys to be a family for Hayley and he’s just heartbroken that you didn’t want the same.”
“Well of course I broke the engagement selfishly,” I told her as I began trying on the clothes I picked out. “All I thought about for over two years, since I got pregnant, was what was best for Hayley. Everything has always been about Hayley, but I needed to do things for myself too.”
“I get that,” Ella said, “I do. But you have to understand that Damien doesn’t feel the need to be selfish or understand the need because he didn’t even know about Hayley until she was what, five months old? And after that he just went to college and didn’t have to worry about her.”
“See? That’s so unfair! He doesn’t understand what I did. He got to have his senior year, well sort of, and his whole first year of college. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be responsible for another life twenty-four/seven.” I looked over myself, wearing the dusty blue dress, satisfied with the way I looked in it before changing into a new outfit. “I mean honestly, he just makes his parents do all the hard stuff and just swoops in and plays with Hayley when she’s not crying.”
“Why don’t you guys just sit down and talk about all of this? You guys clearly have a lot to work on and for Hayley’s sake you guys need to get your shit together before she starts realizing just how screwed up her parents are.”
“I know we do, I just wish we could.” Damien and I rarely spoke and the last time I tried to talk to him before yesterday was the day I broke the engagement off. Even our custody agreement was done with our lawyers negotiating for us and I was positive it was just Damien’s parents that wanted Hayley for five days at a time. However, whatever the reason, I was glad to let Hayley be with her father for the same amount of days she was with me. It would be unfair otherwise. “He’s just so difficult; we couldn’t even talk like rational adults yesterday.”
“I don’t know Britt… Damien’s just sad. Just initiate talking to him when you get Hayley on Sunday. You never know what he’s feeling unless you really talk to him.”
“I guess so,” I agreed, examining myself in a new outfit and deciding whether or not I wanted it. “I’ll try and talk to him Sunday.”
“Good,” she said, satisfied. “So tell me, how are you and Noah going?”
“We’re fine, just enjoying each other’s company,” I told her, trying out another dress. “Just hanging out.”
“Really? He hasn’t put the moves on you or anything?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like you guys haven’t have sex or anything?”
“No Ella! Our relationship is nothing like that! We want to take things slow.” Noah and his girlfriend only broke up a few months ago as well and I’m sure dating my ex-fiancé-slash-ex-boyfriend-slash-baby-daddy’s roommate was not exactly the most comfortable thing for Noah either. I could sort of tell he was afraid that I would go back to Damien, so he wanted to make sure our feelings were completely mutual before taking the next step and I was okay with it. I’d gone from being engaged to single to dating in less than two months and I still wasn’t sure I was ready to have sex with Noah. “But how have things been with you and that guy in your Business class?”
“They’re fine,” she replied as I changed back into my regular clothes and went out into the hall to wait for her. “We’re just flirting and stuff.” She was holding back on the guy and it was so obvious. After she and Brian broke up earlier this month, Ella was still not that ready to get back into the dating game, but the guy in her class was really into her and she was just testing the waters.
“He’s so into you Ella and you know it. Don’t lead him on, or you might lose your chance with him.”
“I know, but I don’t know. I just feel like Brian is going to come back over Thanksgiving and he’s going to invoke our hook-up clause.” The hook-up clause was the most ridiculous thing to ever result from a break-up. Ella and Brian claimed they still loved each other when they decided to end things and decided that if they were both in town at the same time; they could hook-up with no strings attached.
“What the hell is the point of this clause? Why would you even break up if you guys are just going to hook up when he comes back from college?”
“We just wanted to give each other some freedom to date other people. Long distance relationships are stressful and instead of randomly hooking up with people and cheating, we can do it with a clear conscience.”
“Well you said it yourself then! Go hook up with that guy in your class. Brian will still be there during Thanksgiving.”
“You just told me not to lead him on! Hooking up with him would totally be leading him on,” she said, coming out of her dressing room with her hands full of clothes that she wanted.
“Well I’m just hoping you’ll hook up with him, get together with him and realize that this clause is complete bull. Brian just wants to hook with the multiple girls throwing themselves at him without feeling guilty. And then when he comes back, he’s just going to have sex with you and I know you’ll start hoping that you guys will get back together. I am not letting you be played by him.”
“How do you know he’s doing that?” she asked naïvely as we walked out to buy our clothes.
“Are you kidding me? Brian is a teenage guy who just joined a fraternity and goes to a party school, what else do you think he’s doing?” I asked her, the store clerk giving us a weird look.
“Brian isn’t like that,” she mumbled as the other store clerk started ringing her items up.
“You’re joking right? Brian is always the first one drunk at a party and by the end of the night he’s always passed out somewhere. I’m sure he’s done something stupid since you guys broke up. Please just move on. You need a good nice guy and the guy in your class sounds perfect.”
“I don’t know Britt. I’ll see what happens,” she said uneasily as both the store clerks handed us bags of the clothes we bought.
“That’s good enough,” I said happily. Even though Brian was always good to her when they were together, I wished Ella found someone better. Ella deserved someone who could stay sober at a party and drive her back her home instead of making her walk back home or bumming a ride from someone else.
After we shopped for another hour or two, we decided to end the day and when I got home, I threw myself onto my bed and passed out before being woken up for dinner two hours later. I shrugged off my blanket and staggered into the dining room to two pretty serious faces. I knew it was too good to be true. “Hi daddy,” I said innocently as I sat down in front of my plate.
“Hello darling,” he replied respectfully. “How was your day?”
“It was fine. I went shopping with Ella after class,” I told him as we began eating. “How was your day?”
“It was another stressful day in court.”
“I’m sorry daddy, how was your day mom?” I asked her, looking at her. The pleasantries were almost over and I was going to have to face the impending lecture. It was so evident and I shouldn’t have thought I was going to get off so easily for yesterday.
“It was great, a client of mine referred a bunch of people to me so I have a bunch of new jobs coming up,” she said, calmly putting her fork down. “Brittany, you know we have to talk about yesterday.”
“I know,” I sighed, putting my fork down as well and swallowing the bite of food I was chewing. “Lay it on me.”
“We didn’t say anything yesterday because Hayley was here, but what really happened yesterday? We were so scared something happened to you.”
“I told you, I fell asleep in the library while I was studying. I figured, Hayley could stay in daycare until two-thirty and my class ended at twelve. You know she’s been difficult when I try and study.” I wanted so badly to tell my parents about Noah, but I knew they would just call me irresponsible and tell me that I need to focus on school and Hayley. As if I could even manage my life without Noah, who kept me sane.
“We understand Brittany, but if you need a day off to study, why don’t you just ask someone to watch her for you? Or at least give the day care a heads up,” my mom reasoned. It was easy for her to say, but neither her nor my dad could watch her since they worked all day long and no body I know really wants to watch Hayley, as much as they say.
“I guess I could have just called the daycare,” I said, hating myself for not thinking about doing that yesterday. However, in my defense, I was so overwhelmed yesterday that my brain just wasn’t working.
“You know you could also just call Damien and tell him he needs to get Hayley for you,” my dad added.
“I already told you, asking Damien to do more than he already does is not a good idea,” I said. I told them over and over again about what happens when Hayley is with him. I guess they were rooting for Damien to become more responsible for Hayley and thought that if I pushed him more into being a parent, he would miraculously become a better parent.
“Well either way, you still shouldn’t have gone shopping with Ella today. You were clearly tired today. You should have just come back home after class. How do you expect to do well in class when you don’t even utilize the time you have when Hayley isn’t here?” my mom asked fully in strict parent mode.
“I need some time to myself. I spend every hour Hayley is awake either in class or with her. I need to relax and distress,” I explained honestly. Why do my parents think I don’t need time to myself? I am so wound up most of the time, I feel like I’m ready to snap any moment.
“Well Brittany, you just forgot about your own daughter because you were over-exhausted and I’m sure you’re falling behind in your studying. I understand maybe going out for an hour or two, but you didn’t come back until after I came back,” my mom continued lecturing. Did my parents decide who would be the bad guy each time I did something wrong and did my dad just luck out each time I needed to be lectured? Or was my dad just too tired from going to court so often and stressed out from working on his cases? Either way, I really didn’t need this. A normal college student didn’t go through this. They didn’t have to worry about coming home on time and taking care of a two year-old. Could I not make a simple mistake or take some time to myself?
“So sue me! This has never happened before today. Can’t I just take a day to myself?” I burst out. “I am so constantly stressed and I feel like I have no life. I just went out for four hours to hang out with my best friend. Ask Jess, she goes out with her friends all the time and she has straight A’s. I went out ONCE!”
“Calm down Brittany,” my dad said quietly, reaching for my hand.
“No dad,” I spat, moving my hand before he reached it. “I just don’t understand why I can’t just be a normal college student! I’ve worked so hard to get where I am and I’m allowed to make mistakes. I just-- I just need some time to myself.” I jumped out of my chair, grabbed my plate, and stormed into my room. Why was everyone suddenly attacking me? One small mistake brought a huge amount of criticism. Was everyone just waiting for me to screw up so they could finally speak their mind? Whatever the reason, it was completely unfair to me. I was only going to take one day off and then I was going to spend the rest of the days studying and sleeping.
The whole point of me going to college and breaking up with Damien was to live a normal college life. Yet, I still have not gone to a party, I’ve made a few friends, I live at home, and I have no freedom. This was not the college experience I dreamed of all my life. I dreamed of having the perfect college experience: meeting new people, living in a dorm, rushing a sorority, going to frat parties, and going to study groups. I felt like I was in jail. I was suffocating in all my responsibilities and the secret of my relationship with Noah. I wanted to see him so bad and seek his comfort. He always knew what to say to make me feel better, but I couldn’t go see him. Damien would probably be on his way back to their dorm room and seeing Noah would be risky.
I dialed his number, yearning to hear his calming voice. If I couldn’t see him, I needed to hear him. “Noah?” I said into my phone when he answered.
“Hey babe,” he answered happily, “what’s up?”
“Nothing really, I just wanted to call and say goodnight,” I told him, my body instantly relaxing at his greeting. How did he have such an effect on me? He was different from Damien. I never felt safer with Noah than I did with Damien. Noah was older, well not technically, but he was something new in my boring scheduled life.
“How kind of you sweetie, but I probably won’t be sleeping for another seven or eight hours,” he laughed over a few voices in the background.
“Oh, well, what are you up to?” I asked him, not wanting to end the conversation.
“I’m studying with a few people from my Physiology class.”
“Oh, I’m sorry for disturbing you,” I apologized, laying down on my bed and staring up at the ceiling.
“It’s fine Britt, I’m glad you called. I was thinking we could get together with a few people and study for our Psych midterm this weekend.”
“That sounds wonderful,” I said, thinking about how little I’d studied so far for the midterm.
“Great,” he said. I could tell he was smiling to himself, just as I was smiling to myself. Everything between us was going great; Noah was so caring and he concerned with my wellbeing and I enjoyed spending time with him.
“Okay well, I’ll let you get back to your studying. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Bye Britt,” he said before we both hung up.