My Random Thoughts

Truth be told I am afraid of next school year. I'm afraid of how my mental health my change. I'm afraid that everything I've tried so hard to just shove in the back of my mind will resurface. The last time I was at that school I had been hit by a tornado, I watched death all around me and about nine of my neighbors had died. Then covid hit and my school shut down. And to top it off I basically lost a good majority of my friends and the one guy I actually loved I ended up breaking and now he couldn't care less about me. And I know it's all my fault. Now I actually have to face it though. Hen I go to band camp I'll be alone. Instead of getting in his car early in the morning so we could spend am hour just sitting in the mcdonalds parking lot enjoying breakfast. I will probably spend it trying to just give myself a reason to get up. Instead of it being filled with laughter and kisses it will probably be filled with tears and anger. When I get there instead of sitting with him in the band room around so many other kids laughing and telling stories I will probably be in a corner or trying to join in with a group of people.that I know one actually sees me as a friend why the others probably wouldn't care if I killed myself right there. And the one things that's going to hurt the most. Is I know I won't be able to hear his laughs or cheering at the game, or I won't be able to hear him trying to explain stuff to me or show me new music during the breaks. And I also know in everything I do I'm going to look for him in it. I'm afraid, because it hurts but I know if I go back to him it will probably hurt worse. So I must just carry on with these memories and not let my sadness of not creating new memories with him destroy the memories.i might create with others.

School also just scares me so much right now. Cause I left with no one and had to figure out how to get the few people I wanted to keep as friends to believe me. And even now I think they only believed me cause either them themselves where lonely and wanted anyone or because they wanted me for something only they knew I'd be willing to give them. So how do I just go back in there and smile and try to make happy memories when everywhere I look past rumors are taking me down one by one. Why is it kids my age act like I am a pest and these days the only friends I can actually make are older then me and their fear of people thinking bad of them makes it where they push me away. Why is it in the end I am always the one left alone? Why can't for once someone want me. Someone want to talk to me, hangout with me, listen to me. Why do I always feel like I am a chore to these people? Like I'm a burden they just can't wait to get rid of? I'm afraid cause I know that going back is going to be a lot of me having to rebuild without and materials. Right now I am basically just a broken down shack that has not had any tlc for a lot time. How do I turn that into a mansion without destroying everything I am first. Cause I'm trying. I'm too emotional so I distance myself but then I realized after months of no one checking up on me and of my family questioning nothing, that no one really cares. I try to make new friends and at first it's great but after a month or two the get tired of me and more excuses come until they don't even read the texts anymore. What am I doing wrong? I even tried focusing on me but can't even do that correctly and end up comparing too much. Hell, I had a breakdown over something so stupid. I almost even had a panic attack. And over what? The fact I feel useless. Cause there are people younger then me that can drive, have a job, are a honor roll students, and their parents unconditionally love them for who they are. And I know it's not their fault. Hell I'm happy for them. I just hate me. Cause I want to drive, I want to be able to get something from the store for my parents when they are hurt and be self reliant. But at the same time I want them to teach me, and I know that's childish. Right now I could potentially have two separate people teach me how to drive and I did have someone teach me for three months. But my selfish ass wants my dad to, cause he taught both my brothers and he was there for them and I just want to experience that. I want to really well and see him look over at me and be proud cause it feels like I never get to see that anymore. I just want him to be proud of me cause everything else I do is never enough. I will clean for hours and before they ever say thank you they will tell me everything I didn't do. I will spend hours on my school work and still the grades aren't good enough. And just me as a person isn't either. When I said I was bisexual all they did was throw bible quotes at me and tell me it was a phase (a so far 10 year phase), when I feel confident in my clothing and how I look I either look "homeless", or too much like a dude, or like a slut. I try to loose weight but still when my mother hears my weight she gasps in surprise and will tell me she's just worried about me because obesity runs in our family. I had sex with a guy I thought I truly loved and for about two months my father looked at me like I was a sin that he no longer wanted. When he spoke it was like knives to my heart and even now when anything sexual happens (movie scenes or just someone bringing up a random topic about sex/sexuality) my parents will never look at me in the eyes, they are ashamed of their sinner of a daughter (even tho both my brothers have had sex before marriage or even without being in a relationship with a person. They are males though, not their little girl). Anytime we go to a event with alcohol they will glare at me like I am just going to take a while bottle and run, what they don't know was when they caught me that one time the alcohol was the only thing keeping me in their arms. I had wanted to kill myself for three months straight and no one ever heard my cries. And then when they finally saw my scars (which it took four months for them to notice and I wasn't exactly hiding them) they blamed me. Said I was being dramatic and wasn't "that bad" a week later my mother gave me scar cream and told me to use it in hopes they would disappear so no one had to see what I had done to myself. I threw it away and too this day if I have my arm turned to what they can see, they will look at me like I broke them.

I'm afraid

I'm afraid cause I keep falling and each time it feels like less and less people care if I hit the ground. And I'm scared cause it's hard being the only one to catch yourself.

(This was just a little rant to get a lot of pent up stuff out, please don't think anything bad. I'm a fairly horrible person, so don't feel bad for me or anything. Everything I've went through one way or another I've most likely deserved. I am okay and I will be okay. I just needed to get it out of my head)